They Are Not You
by Arwyn89
Summary: Emma is the new girl trying to keep it together - Nick Jonas was they boy who would hold her heart...or break it. Was Darren Criss the one who could put it back together? Jonas Brothers, Glee, Starkid, OC, Cross over
1. New Beginings

No one should ever be this nervous! It wasn't normal. My hands were trembling so bad I could barely hold the piece of paper in my hand. My leg jumped up and down on the floor of the car. My heart was somewhere in my mouth and my stomach had been left back at the house. 'OK, Just BREATH', I thought to myself, 'It'll be fine'. Pep talks were good – they take your mind off other things. Like driving to a studio to audition for a role! My very first audition and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

In all fairness this wasn't what I planned. I'm an Au Pair – a cheap nanny really. An exchange programme from Scotland got me here...well it got me to America. Sheer luck got me placed in the Hoen family. Paul and his wife Helen were amazing people. I really couldn't of asked for a better family. They were sweet – treated me like I was another daughter in their family. I had heard some awful stories where Au Pairs were treated as 'the help', but they couldn't be further from that if they tried. I have my own room and computer so I could keep in contact with home. In fact my room at their home is bigger than my actual room! The size of the house was such a shock at first, 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, an entertainment room and a pool in the backyard. It was a pretty cushy job as well – constant babysitting hardly taxed the brain. Patience levels maybe – but then again, I was as big a child as they were.

Paul's two kids, Sarah and James were so well behaved it was almost creepy. I mean they got hyper like all other kids...like me as well. But there was no back chat, no arguments when it came to bedtime. They were both in school as well so I had from 9am till 2pm off everyday. Yeah so getting up at 7am every morning was a bit of a bitch but it could have been a lot worse! During the day, all I had to do was tidy their rooms, and make lunch after I picked them back up from school – in the lovely shiny Volvo that Paul and Helen had bought specially for their Au Pairs. Apart from occasionally running errands for the family, time was my own.

The large amount of free time had taken a while to get used to. Back home I wasn't used to it, working full time in...McDonald's! Or as I fondly thought of it - Hell incarnated on earth. Sure the people I worked with were aright – or most of them were at least. And I even went as far to socialise with them outside work. Well once. Most people though I was anti-social there. That wasn't entirely true. Yes I was anti-social but it was always through choice – I'm not really a people person. At all. But I do have an amazing group of close friends I've known since I was 10 and considered them more my family than anything else.

I miss them a lot sometimes. Working with a family like this didn't really allow you to have much of a social life. I was terrible at making new friends and honestly was quite shy. Although sometimes that came across as arrogance, even though that's usually the last thing I meant it as. Id only made one really friend at my old work – Hayley. I could and do tell her everything. And the feeling is mutual – or at least I think it is. I was the one she turned to when she fell pregnant, then the one she asked to be Godmother. I'm also the one that held her hand through the funeral when she miscarried at 8 months. I'm the one that stayed up with her till 4am till she cried herself to sleep.

That's one of the reasons I wanted to get out. I could handle being that person any more because no one was ever that person with me. No one drove over to my house at 2am when I broke up with my boyfriend. No one asked how I was coping after my sister was hospitalised after a really bad epileptic fit. Even though I would always be there for them – just now I needed to take some time for myself. To find out who I really was, who I could be – without feeling bitter about anything. And the only way I knew how to do that was to take off to somewhere where no one knew me.

So that is what led me to be sitting in Paul Hoen – an executive producer at Disney Studios – car, on my way to an audition at Disney for a guest spot in a tv show. Not just any show – this was JONAS! The very popular Jonas Brothers show that I was now freaking out about. I love the Jonas Brothers – no matter how much I have been mocked for it, that will never change. In fact I was pretty crazy about all things Disney. From the classic movies to the current stars. Well I wasn't so fond of Miley Cyrus, but that's a tangent really. So working with kids who's dad works with Disney was the best thing to have ever happened to me in my life. After watching a play me and the kids put on one night, Paul suggested that I should try out for the show. And knowing someone on set was half the battle, so I was instantly accepted for an audition. I still wasn't sure why entirely – but I wasn't going to be the one to argue. So clutching for dear life onto my CV I was being driven nearer and nearer to...well actually I wasn't sure what exactly. A room full of people who were going to tell me how awful I was, an embarrassment? Well that's what I had dreamed last night any way.

Paul must have noticed that my leg started twitching again, after being semi-calm and turned to me. "There's nothing to worry about, honest. The people your auditioning with are lovely – myself included", he added with a wink. I could only swallow and nod. At least Paul would be in the room with me during this hellish nightmare!

The car slowed to make the turn into the studio and I felt like I would pass out. The building we parked in front of looked like a typical office building – I could even see the receptionist behind her desk as we parked. My heart had reached audible thudding by now and my breath was barely a whisper as the car engine was shut off. "you ready?", Paul asked. I merely nodded again.

I was as ready as I could ever be.


	2. Run Away, Little Girl

Run Away, Little Girl

The inside of the building looked much like a typical reception area. Comfy looking couches were spread out at various angles. To the right there was a set of double doors that lead down a corridor. There was a door behind the desk, that had a sign saying staff only. The receptionist – Fran according to her name badge – looked up as we walked through the doors.

"Good morning, Mr Hoen", she said politely. I could here a slight Valley Girl accent coming through – after just 3 months here I was starting to pick up different local distinctions. Well that would explain why she looked so well cared for. Probably never had a hard days work in her life. Paul guided me to the desk, while Fran looked me up and down. Not rudely – more like curiosity. I suppose you might get curious too if a co-worker brought a 19 year old girl to work with him.

"This is Emma", Paul explained, "She'll be auditioning later today". Fran nodded, and handed me a few sheets of paper to sign. As I was signing them, I noticed that the audition time was set for 1pm. Glancing up at the clock behind the desk I noticed it was just after 9am. My brown furrowed in confusion. Handing the papers back to Fran, I turned to Paul.

"Why does it say audition time is 1pm?" I asked, still frowning.

"Maybe because auditions are at 1?" he answered. I started to talk but Paul cut me off. "I thought it would just be easier if you came in with me. Beat the crowds etcetera. Plus", He added grinning, "I thought if I left you at home you wouldn't show". I couldn't help but give a small smile back. I probably wouldn't have shown if this was how nervous I felt just now. Fran also gave a small chuckle. Man, I must of looked like a nervous wreck just now. I took a couple of deep breaths to try and calm myself. I had a few hours yet.

Paul lead the way through the doors and pointed out various doors as we walked down the ream coloured corridor. "That's just a conference room, the bathrooms are down that hall, in there is where you'll be auditioning later -". I stopped dead and stared into the now empty room. It was the same cream coloured walls as out here. 20 or so black chairs lined the room, with various potted plants in the corners. Directly opposite the doorway I was stood in was another door. "The room you'll be auditioning in", Paul answered the unspoken question. Leading the way back down the corridor, we came to a set of stairs. "Sorry, usually we would have used the elevators but there broken at the moment", Paul said as we started climbing. Where on earth are the elevators then, I thought to myself. I couldn't honestly remember seeing any as we came in, nor walking down the corridor. Maybe they were off in a side room somewhere?

By the time we reached the third floor, I was no longer nervous. Mostly I was just exhausted. I'm not really a sporty person. I mean, I'm healthy but I can barely walk three flights of stairs without panting. I made a mental note to exercise more, feeling embarrassed that Paul barely seemed to be affected at all. He lead the way down yet another corridor, until we reached his office. His receptionist was about 35, brunette and kind looking – almost motherly. "Good morning Paul", she greeted us.

"Morning Angela. This is Emma", he said gesturing to me, "She's going to wait up in my office for a while, while I'm at the morning meeting". Paul walked into his office and I followed behind him, unsure of what to do. He put his coat in a closet off to the side and his brief case on his desk. Shuffling about in it, he never really noticed me standing awkwardly to one side. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and shifted my weight. The room was so quiet that I almost jumped out of my skin when the phone on the desk rang. I could hear Angela answer it from outside the room. After some quiet murmuring she buzzed into the office.

"Mr Hoen, I have Mr McIntyre on the phone for you". Paul picked up the phone almost instantly.

"Hello. Yes. Yes, that's right. Sure I'll be right down", and he hung up the phone. Looking up, Paul seemed surprised to see me still standing there. "Emma relax. Take a seat, make yourself comfy. I've got to go down early to this meeting, but I'll be back up at 12 and we can grab some lunch together before we have to go down". I just nodded dumbly along with him. He sighed in reassignment. "If you need anything, just ask Angela. There's a spare laptop in my top drawer if you get bored. Just – just try to relax, OK?". And with that, he gathered up his papers and left me alone in the office.

With the door shut over the room was completely silent. 'Somewhere a clock is ticking', I thought to myself, and wandered about the office a bit. The windows in the office looked out into a car lot, which had a few cars scattered in it. Nothing interesting really. Sighing, I sat down in the chair behind the desk. Comfy. I pulled open the top drawer and grabbed the laptop. Watling on it loading, I spied a pot of coffee in the far corner of the room. Helping myself to a cup, I returned to the desk. Three hours to kill...Facebook it is!


	3. I'm OK, Your OK

Two hours and six cups of coffee later, the only thing on my mind was finding a bathroom. I could hear Angela typing on her keyboard outside the room, so I decided to venture out. She looked up almost the second I looked out, smiling at me. "I'm sorry to bother you, but where's the bathroom?", I said in a half whisper – like it was a doctors waiting room.

"That's fine honey. Its just down the hall, on your left", Angela told me. I nodded and went out of the door. OK which down the hall was it. The office was almost directly in the middle of the corridor. Since I had come from the right, coming up the stairs and couldn't remember seeing a bathroom, I chanced my luck with going right. Lucky for me I was right, and burst through the bathroom door., in what felt like just in time.

Coming back out I heard a shout from further down the hall. Curiosity got the better of me, and I walked the hall to the window at the end of it. Looking down, I was given a different angle of the parking lot, which now was a lot fuller. In the space between the ramp and the cars, three boys were kicking, what looked like, a small beanbag between them. Yes OK I knew I was Scottish – different cultures and everything – but even this seemed more than a little bit strange! I watched, bemused and captivated. They really were making it look amazing. I never even noticed Paul walk up until he was standing next to me. The movement in the corner of my eye made me jump out of my skin and I let out a small squeal. Paul laughingly said, "Sorry. I thought you head me talking to you". I rubbed my forehead, which I had managed to bang against the glass when I got a fright.

"Apparently not. How did the meeting go?", I asked, eager to distract him before he made some inappropriate comment about me perving on those boys. He started walking back down towards his office and I followed.

"It was good. Very productive – lots of important decisions made while we over congratulated ourselves on our brilliance". I laughed away to myself as he gathered his case from his office and reappeared next to me. "Ready for lunch, kiddo?". I smiled, half at the 'kiddo' and the other half at the fact I was starving. I was too nervous to eat this morning – but now I needed food!

Down in the kraft service room, I had helped myself to what felt like everything going. Now I was leaning back in my chair, stuffed from the amount I had managed to shovel down. "I've never seen anyone pack food away the way you can", Paul said in admiration. I rubbed my stomach,

"I've never seen it either", I said grinning, "maybe there's something wrong with me". I felt relaxed now. Three hours with nothing to do gives you plenty of time to relax. And I had decided that that's what I was going to become – relaxed. I would perform better that way, if the only thing I felt was the adrenalin rush I got when performing. Glancing down at my watch, I noticed it was ten to one. "I suppose this is it then", I said to Paul, getting out of my seat.

"Yeah, I suppose we better get down there". I stopped as I was heading towards the door, spinning around to face Paul.

"Wait...we?", I asked in disbelief. Paul laughed at the shocked expression my face now held. He continued talking to me over his shoulder as he walked on ahead.

"Of course! I like to be part of the whole process of the show. That includes the hiring of the actors". I stumbled a bit in my attempt to catch up with him. I processed this new piece of information as we walked. I wasn't sure if this would give me any kind of advantage against the other actors – or would it make it worse. Would they purposely not hire me encase they felt it was nepotism? One look at my face and Paul gave me the answers to my unspoken questions. He stopped and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Emma, don't look so nervous again. You'll be fine. I've seen what you can do, just be natural and it'll all be OK". I breathed in deeply then exhaled. I nodded my head once and we continued along to the room.

By now, most of the actors were already in the room. There would be 10 of us auditioning for this role – I had had the advantage of skipping the preliminary auditions...although I'm not sure how well that would go down. Would it mean I was less prepared? This was such a bad idea. A thousand thoughts rushed through my head in the time it took to walk through the door and into a vacant seat. I wrung my hands out and my leg started to bounce up and down again – a nervous habit. And apparently one that was irritating the crap out of the girl sitting next to me. It took a minute for me to realise that she was giving me a dirty look. "Sorry", I muttered meekly and crossed my legs in an attempt to stop.

It was only then that I noticed the other girls in the room. My mouth dropped open. I didn't have a shot up against these girls. Most were about 5ft7", I was barely in the 5ft4" category. Their hair was all perfectly styled, there clothes perfectly thought out. My hair looked a mess, I was sure. Running my hands nervously through it all morning couldn't have helped in the slightest. On top of that I was wearing a faded grey t-shirt that had "I'm wit the band" on the front, with little green fuzzy monsters playing instruments, baggy ripped jeans and light blue converse high tops. The girl next to me was in a short skirt, a light pink blouse and cream coloured sandals. I looked like I had just crawled out of bed compared to this.

I began to get increasing nervous as the first girl was called in for her audition. Much to my dismay – and Barbie's, sitting next to me – my leg started to twitch again. I tried to pin it down with my hand but that only seemed to make the twitching more sporadic and violent. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply again, holding onto the breath for a few seconds until I had calmed a bit. It took me a minute to realise someone was calling my name. I stood up quickly – a mistake as I instantly got a head rush. I felt dizzy and disorientated as I walked towards the room – which I reached in what felt like record time. Taking one final deep breath and trying to calm the wildfire of butterflies that was spreading through my entire nervous system, I walked through the room, muttering to myself, "I'm OK".


	4. The Fundamental Things Apply

The Fundamental Things Apply

I walked through the door, and was faced by four people sitting down at a table. Two women and two men. One was Paul, the other man looked to be slightly younger maybe mid-forties? One of the women was a brunette the other a blonde. That's all I had to take in before a movement in the corner of my eye alerted my presence to someone else in the room. He was about my age, maybe younger. He was dressed pretty casually, just a plaid shirt over a band top, black jeans and converse. It was only when I was taking in his brown curly hair I realised who this was and felt the blush spread to my face almost instantly for staring. I whipped my head back to the table as I heard Paul's voice. "OK, so Miss O'Neill, were just going to go through the scrip once then ask you a few questions. A very simple procedure", Paul grinned at me. The look of shock was evident on my face – even I could feel that. I nodded dumbly, like I was some sort of mute. There was really nothing else I could do. I felt like I was taking a panic attack or something. I wondered if it would even be remotely possible for me to read the lines. The boy in the corner came to stand at my side – evidently he was used to the days procedures.

I turned to look at him and found he was much closer than I had anticipated and automatically took a step back. Forcing myself to life my head, my eyes instantly found contact with his. It felt like an electric current ran through my system – or no maybe that wasn't right. It was more like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an on coming car. There was nothing I could possibly do to break my gaze from those deep brown eyes. My heart was spluttering, the beats out of sync, I was light headed and dizzy, but all I could do was stare. Meanwhile my brain thought it would be useful to start insulting me at this moment in time. 'Stop staring you idiot, or he'll think your some sort of freak!' was all I could think. I took a moment for my body to realise these insults were aimed at it, and before I knew it I was speaking the first line, "Oh, sorry! I didn't see you there!", I delivered. In the scrip it said something about banging into him with a Slush Puppy – and since I wasn't going to actually do that – it was his turn to 'act' and pretend like I had. Another time and place and I would have found the idea of watching someone wipe a fake Slushy from their top hysterical. But right now I was just having trouble with the whole staying vertical thing I had grown so fond of.

"That's fine, it's cool", he said wiping his hands down his top. My breath caught in my throat. It was the first time he had spoken since I walked in the room, and now I knew I was dreaming. It sounded like water rushing over rocks, leaves rustling in the wind and an angel singing a pitch perfect note all in one. OK, maybe that's a little melodramatic, or so my brain tried to tell my body. Pull it together woman! I shock myself out of my daze, trying to remember my line.

"Oh my gosh! Your from that band JONAS, right? Oh I'm such an idiot – I cant believe I got you of all people", I cried abashed. Nick gave a short laugh and I grinned a bit a long with him, whilst trying to remain in character.

"That's fine. Seriously. At least this time it didn't go in my hair. I'm Nick-", he said, out stretching his hand. As much as I wanted to grab that hand, the script had other ideas. Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I tried to act shy.

"I know who you are". His hand wavered and fell stupidly back to his side.

"Do I not get to know who you are?" he asked, leaning slightly forward as he did. I shrugged casually, as I answered,

"Well, maybe once you ask me properly I might answer", and with that I turned and walked away. After a second, the blonde woman cleared her throat. "That was good, thank you", she said. I felt like some sort of bubble had been burst around me – for a second I had totally forgotten they were even in the room. I hesitated for a moment, before going back to stand in the centre of the room. The urge to lean against the wall and slump down it was very acute. Nick wandered back off to his chair and checked his phone. My heart plunged a little at the very clear, "I'm getting bored now" signals he was giving off. I tried to tune him out as I focused on the interview questions.

"This was your first audition?", the older man asked.

"Yes", was my simple reply.

"Have you had any other acting experience", the brunette woman asked.

"Only high school plays and a local drama club". The brunette woman raised her eyebrows and jotted something down on her sheet of paper.

"What do you believe a role model is?". It was Paul that asked this one. Figured he's go for one of the hardest questions on the list. I took a deep breath before answering this.

"I think that a role model is someone anyone can gain hope from. Someone that you can look at and see their past mistakes, somewhere they've went wrong, but somehow worked hard to learn from this and pass this inspiration on to others". The room was silent. I shifted my weight from side to side, feeling awkward. The blonde woman leaned forward.

"Where is your accent from?". I blushed. I had forgotten about the American accent I put on for the scene and had slipped back to my Scottish one.

"I'm from Scotland, I've been living and working here for 3 months", I said looking at Paul. Well it was obvious now that he hadn't told anyone I was working for him!

"You do a very good impersonation of an American accent then", the blonde woman said. "I would have never realised otherwise". While they quietly discussed matters amongst themselves, I snuck a quick glance over my shoulder. Mistake. Nick was looking at me, in what I thought was curiosity. My eyes instantly locked with his again. I found myself lost in the depth of those eyes, seeing so many questions in his that im sure were mirrored in my own. It took for Paul to clear his throat for me to turn my attention back to his.

"Thank you Emma. You may go". I turned quickly, avoiding looking at anything but the floor and practically fled from the room. Once I was outside I breathed a sigh of relief – the worst was over. The waiting room was almost empty now, only two other girls left. Walking quickly and not looking behind as I left the room I turned the corner and headed for the stairs. Paul wouldn't be much longer, so there was no point trying to make my own way home via public transport. I started to climb the stairs back to his office.


	5. The Leaving Song

It had been almost two full weeks since my audition nightmare / dream come true. Life had pretty much settled back to normal. After the audition, I asked Paul what would happen next. He said they would take a few days to compare notes and then call back whoever was successful. Since so much time had passed I assumed that I hadn't gotten the part...but I thought Paul would at least break it to me that I wasn't successful. But he had said nothing – and since caring for his kids was my primary concern, neither had I.

Sitting in the media room – as Paul had described it – with James and Sarah, watching Hannah Montana. How cool do I feel, I thought to myself. Each of my toenails were painted a different colour, and my hair was "braided" and in pigtails. I looked like Pippy Longstocking on crack. But I was content, with my feet up on the foot rest, Sarah curled into my side and James sprawled out on the floor in front of me. _It could have been a much worse life_, I thought smiling to myself. "Really? You think so? He did? Wow...yeah OK. No it's totally your call – if you think it'd work". I could here Paul on the phone in the other room, his voice raising in excitement whenever things were going well. As the tv show rolled to an end, I decided it was bedtime, and got up off the couch. Lucky for me, the two kids seemed pretty tired tonight, so it wouldn't be too much of a hassle. One quick chapter of a story and they'd be out for the count.

Getting up, my cell phone rang. I leaned to the floor to pick it up, not recognising the caller I.D. "Hello?", I said uncertainly. Very few people had this number. Paul wandered into the room, watching me as he did.

"Hello. Is this Emma?". Well DUH! I thought, who else was it going to be? The tooth fairy?

"Yes, who I am speaking to?", I said, trying to remain polite.

"This is Kelley Spada, the casting director from JONAS", my heart leaped into my throat. "We just wanted to thank you for auditioning with us the other week there", _oh, _I thought, _just a curtsy call. My heart began to sink, my nervous system retuning to normal_.

"No, yeah sure. Um, thanks for the opportunity and...everything", I stuttered. Even I could hear my voice deflating. I leaned back against the arm rest of the couch, running a hand through my hair.

"There has been some new developments with the character and we're looking to take it in another direction", Kelley continued. Translation: you didn't fit the part – sorry! I had zoned out a little as she went through some of the details, staring at the images flitting across the tv screen. Its only when my brain kicked my and said I should have been listening, I asked her to repeat the last part.

"We have decided to make the character a regular on the show. We would like you to come into the office tomorrow, so we can sort everything out for you". I stopped breathing. This didn't add up. Did I have the part? Wait, huh?

"I'm sorry, you've lost me", I said. Paul frowned at me from across the room. Seeing his face, everything clicked into place. His phone conversation, wandering idly into the room, listening in on my call. He knew! It took me a second to realise Kelley was saying goodbye before I responded and put down my phone. I looked across the room at Paul, a million questions covering my face. It was only when Sarah tugged on my hand I even realised that they were also still in the room.

"Hey kids, how about your dad tucks you in tonight?", he asked leading them upstairs. They left the room and I continued to stare at the far wall, not entirely sure what the hell had just happened. Was I in shock? It certainly felt like it. I couldn't even form a coherent thought in my head.

When Paul came back down, five minutes later, I was still in the exact same position, except now my mouth was wide open. I lost the will power to hold it shut moments before he walked into the room. "You OK?", Paul asked. I let out a small...giggle, I suppose. Although it sounded more like a hysterical whine. "So, have any questions?"

That seemed to snap me out of my daze. "Questions! Yes I have questions! Like what did she mean when she said regular and what needs to be sorted? What's going to happen with me? Will I still work for you? If not, where will I live and who will take over? If yes, when will I have time to film and who will look after the kids when I'm not here? But most of all – why me?", I took a deep breath, waiting for the answers, glaring at Paul as I did so. I wasn't angry, just really nervous. And I usually acted very arrogant and stubborn when nervous. Paul laughed.

"That's a lot of questions". He scratched his head. "Maybe I should start with the hardest one first. Given your schedule, I don't know that it would be possible for you to still work here". I felt my face fall and tears well up in my eyes. There was this horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach I couldn't quite explain. A sort of burning, but sad kind of feeling. Like on the edge of bursting into tears type feeling.

"I wont be working for you any more?", I said, in barely a whisper. I sat down, biting my bottom lip to stop the tears from coming. Paul walked over and put his arm around me.

"Hey, it's not like you wont see us again. And your more than welcome to stay here for as long as you need. Its not like were just going to kick you out on the street!". I nodded slowly, my head lowered. It had been such an emotional...ten minutes? Was that really all it took.

Ten minutes and my whole life had flipped upside down. Who knew what tomorrow would bring.


	6. Emma In Wonderland

Emma In Wonderland

I walked onto the set for the first time – my heart hammering in my chest. I could barely breath, I felt like I was about to pass out. It had been almost 3 weeks since I had been told I had a guest spot part in the show. Since then, I had left my old job, been for a scary visit to the embassy for a new visa and moved into my own apartment. In a word: overwhelming.

Now there was this! I had been – well quite honestly I was hiding in my dressing room, for half an hour. Now I was on my way to hair and make-up, guided by Lisa, who I discovered was one of the set assistants. She had attempted to make small talk with me, but eventually given up after I talked very little back. Not that I was being rude – I just didn't think it would be a very good idea to keep my mouth open for long lengths of time, without being near a bathroom. Walking in the room, my heart fluttered a little. Kevin Jonas was sitting in the make-up chair. At any other time, watching a guy get make-up on would have been an amusement, but my brain was having a hard time focusing just now.

He turned to me, smiling. "Hey, Emma. It's good to see you again". I smiled back, timidly mumbling something that may have been a hello. Honestly I wasn't quite sure. I had met the three boys last week, when doing a read through for the show. But I talked even less then – if that was even possible.

It was stupid really. In an hour, I'd be acting with them, but right now I couldn't even talk to them. I could see big problems on the horizon. Abbie, the make-up artist guided me into a chair, and I sat back and closed my eyes, hoping my stomach would settle soon. I hadn't eaten properly in the last few days due to nerves, so I was constantly feeling tired and light headed. Considering how unbalanced I was usually, it wasn't a good thing. Kevin, still turned to me, asked, "So on a scale of one to ten, how nervous do you actually feel?". I grinned slightly. Apparently I wasn't good at hiding my nerves.

"Infinity", I told him and added as an after thought, "Plus one". He laughed, which I couldn't help but join in. Although mine sounded more like a hysterical giggle, than a laugh. Kevin continued to talk, as I got my make-up done.

"Yeah, I was like that. Which was kinda weird considering we play to arenas of people, like all the time. I suppose because it was something different...". Kevin continued to talk and I hmm'ed in agreement to what he was saying. I liked Kevin, he was relaxing to be around. Something about him – his persona – made you feel comfortable and welcomed.

When Kevin had finished, he got up to leave, putting his hand on my shoulder as he did. "Try not to be too nervous. I promise, we don't bite.", I laughed again as he was leaving the room. I was still me enough to notice the silver purity ring had been swapped for a plain gold wedding band. I grinned to myself, wondering how disturbing it must feel for everyone to know the exact night you lost your virginity. His marriage to Danielle Deleasa – now Danielle Jonas – was a few months before. Having only met her for five minutes, I thought she was sweet. And it was pretty obvious how much they loved each other. They way they talked to each other and looked at each other – it was hard to imagine two people better matched.

After I was finished, I walked over onto the set we would be filming on. I wasn't sure if I was looking forward to this scene or not. It was my characters first scene where I was introduced to the show. It called for me to walk around a corner, with a slushie in my hand, band into Nick and accidentally pour it all over him. It would be highly amusing but the though of banging into Nick sent my stomach into a flurry of butterflies.

I saw Kevin and Joe – the middle Jonas brother – over on the set and gave a shy wave over. Joe called me over as soon as he saw me. "Hey you!What. Is. Up?" he asked, overly enthusiastically. I shrugged at him, prying my voice wouldn't just come out as a squeak.

"Nothing much. Just hanging on the set of a TV show and stuff...". They both laughed. I was really starting to enjoy this being able to make people laugh thing. When I first moved over here, I found it hard. Americans have a very differed sense of humour from Scottish people. Scot's are very sarcastic and usually go for the innuendo joke – which most Americans don't really understand. They seem to enjoy the more obvious jokes. I was adjusting, but it was taking time. "can I ask you something?" Joe said turning to me. '_Didn't really give me a choice there_', I thought to myself. Joe looked really serious and I wondered what it would be. I nodded at him, still unsure of my voice. "Are you Scottish?". This question caused me to laugh. It had honestly been the last thing i'd expected and the look on his face was just so serious.

"Yeah, I am", I answered, still chuckling to myself.

"Then how come you don't sound it?". I shrugged. I had made the decision to talk in the American accent a couple weeks ago. It was just easier for people to understand me. I also found that if I talked in a different accent, I talked slower. Usually I was a mile a minute kind of talker and most people struggled to keep up.

"Its just easier this way", I finally answered. Not to mention that I thought my own accent sounded horrible. Really rough and...I don't know almost stupid. Not that it was a bad accent – actually mine was one of the more refined Scottish accents – if there was such a thing. On to of that – people tended to stare if you talk differently. I wasn't in the mood to feel like a zoo animal.

"Oh come on, just say something in your Scottish accent. PLEASE?", Joe begged. I sighed – it really was quite hard to resist those brown eyes staring right into yours. I made a mental note of this, that if a Jonas begged – even jokingly – I was likely to cave. I also made a mental note that I was probably not the only female that would say that. I decided that it couldn't hurt really.

"OK, I'll talk in this accent for a while", I said switching. Both Joe and Kevin stared. 'Y_eay'_, I thought, '_zoo animal'_. Kevin look over my shoulder.

"Hey Nick". My heart stopped. My hands were suddenly shaking, the butterflies that were calming ad returned and my heart had relocated to my throat and was hammering wildly. I didn't know if I should turn around to greet him, or just say with my back turned. Would it be too rude to just walk away right now? Too late. He joined the group, standing barely inches away from me. I could feel the heat off his arm. I tuned my head very slightly towards him and threw, what I hoped was, a smile in his direction.

"Hey guys, what's up", he asked. I don't know why, but even though I knew they were all from New Jersey, Nick always seemed to have the most southern of the accents. Compared to the other two anyway.

"We were just annoying Emma", Joe said, grinning at me.

"No, you were annoying her", Kevin corrected.

"Well, I didn't hear you telling me to stop". I grinned at the brotherly banter. It was something I was missing. I was the middle of three, with two sisters. I missed that familiarity that came with family.

"Hey, guys, it's time", we were interrupted by an assistant. Time to start the scene and the days filming.

It didn't go as badly as I thought it would. The slushie scene was even quite funny to film, although we had been pre warned we only had three takes to get the spilling bit right. That was kind of nerve racking but other than that it was good. The only bad thing was I was never able to relax around Him. Joe and Kevin were great. I soon found out I had quite a bit in common with Joe and talked in-between the scenes about the movies we had seen recently or the music we were listening to. Plus he made me laugh a lot, which was really helping with the nerves. So I had gravitated towards him during the day. I couldn't help it really, he had an infectious personality.

But Nick. All day I was like a piano wire, too tightly wound when he was near to say...well anything really! When he had joined us at lunch I lost my apatite almost instantly. When he joined in conversations suddenly I had nothing to say. It was always the same with me, whenever I had a crush on someone. Especially if I had barely met them. I wasn't exactly shy but nor was I confident. Somewhere in the comfortable middle. I didn't mind being in the group, just don't ask me my opinion.

When we were finished for the day I headed back to my dressing room to get my stuff. I was walking down the corridor when I noticed them all standing outside their own dressing rooms. The three boys, plus a woman I recognised to be Denise Jonas, their mother. I was just going to say hello and keep walking. I really did make terrible first impressions. But Joe called out to me.

"Hey. Emma this is our Mom. Mom this is Emma", he introduced us.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Jonas", I said, as politely as I could manage. She smiled at me.

"it's nice to meet you too. The boys have just been telling me all about you". I couldn't stop it, the blush that was rising into my face. An embarrassing habit! "I was wondering if you'd like to join us for dinner tonight?", she asked, "It's kind of a traddition with new cast members, just so we can get to know them a bit better". I nodded, unsure exactly what to say. So I stuck with,

"I'd like that, thank you". But the only thing running through my head...

'_Oh, crap_'.

If you have a minute, all comments would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks

Arwyn89


	7. Let The Games Begin

I stood frowning at my closet, as if the perfect outfit would magically jump out into my hands. This would have been particularly impressive considering now most of my clothes were strewn about my floor. I couldn't find one thing suitable, which was made considerably harder by the fact I had no idea where we were going! I was told "dinner", no hint if it would be casual or up scale or what!

I glanced at the clothes on my bedroom floor – well I say my bedroom but this apartment was yet to feel like home. It was a pretty small place, just one bedroom. Disney were helping me out till I found my feet – which was generous and I was grateful. But I was starting to feel like a guest in my own house. Nothing, bar the clothes, a laptop and the photos on the walls actually belong to me. The house all came ready furnished so it felt really impersonal. I mean everything was brand new – which I think was making it worse. And the whole house was painted in the same cream colour. None of the rooms had any identity.

Turning back to the closet, a blue dress caught my eye. It was light, cotton and had spaghetti straps. This would have to do. Normally I was a jeans and top kind of person, with Converse sneakers thrown in for good measure. And I had been getting away with it, being February and all. But I dreaded to think what it would be like in the summer. I didn't do heat very well. Usually it made my irritable and tired constantly. But we were only filming for the next three months, so maybe I'd have the chance to migrate north during the summer.

Slipping into the dress, I was unsure what to do with my hair but looking at the clock, I had about 5 minutes to do something, else I was going out with it being mad curls. I grabbed a clasp from my vanity table and pulled half of it up, securing it in the clip, leaving the bottom layers down. That would have to do, I suppose.

I was applying lip-gloss, when the door bell rung. Taking one finial look in the mirror, I breathed deeply, then headed for the door.

Both Nick and Joe were waiting for me. Both were wearing similar outfits, tight, skinny black jeans, Nick a cream jumper, Joe a black shirt. Grabbing my purse, I smiled at them, and locked the door behind me. "Wow, Emma, you look really beautiful", Joe complimented. I smiled at him, as he lead the way to the car.

"You don't look so bad yourself", I countered. Nick laughed. Walking up to the car, I realised it must be Joe's, mainly because he was the one getting into the drivers seat. I was hopeless with cars – barely being able to tell the difference between a Ford and an Audi. But from the badge I could see this was a Mercedes-Benz. Don't ask me what type – I was likely to say black anyway. That's about the most I could describe cars by – the colour and pretty or not. I noticed a car parked behind Joe's, full with the rest of the Jonas family, Kevin Sr. in the drivers seat.

Getting closer to the car I was slightly taken aback as Nick reached out and held open the passenger side door for me. Not something I was used to. I slid into the seat, blushing and mumbling thanks. I still wasn't comfortable being around him yet. Something about him set my nerves on edge. Nick climbed into the back seat and we were off.

Joe messed about with the radio and attempted conversation. "So, you like your house?".

I hated small talk. I was useless at it, usually making some wildly inappropriate comments at the worst time possible. Other than that I struggled for things to say, usually letting the conversation lapse into silence. Unless I had something important to say I never really felt the need to fill silence. "Yeah, its um. Good?", I struggled. Telling someone '_well you know, I don't really like the house that I've been given to stay in virtually rent free'_ usually didn't come across as very grateful. I almost jumped out of my skin when Nick spoke from the back seat. He was so quite it was almost possible to forget he was there. Almost.

"What do you not like about it?" he asked. I didn't know whether or not to turn around and look at him, or continue as if I was talking to Joe. Not wanting to be rude, I settled for turning my head slightly and occasionally making eye contact in the rear-view mirror.

"It's not that I don't like it. I'm just not used to it yet. It usually takes me a while to settle into a place. I'm not big on the whole change thing", I garbled out all at once. 'G_reat', _I thought, '_one of them talks to me and I hardly say two words. The other talks and I cant stop talking!'_ I couldn't help it. I was relaxed with Joe. It didn't feel like – like an interrogation the way it did with Nick.

I turned back in my seat, pressing my lips together staring out the window, hoping the moment would pass. "You like this song?", Joe asked. Snapping out of my daydream, it took me a moment to process what he had been asking. I hadn't even realised I was miming along to the words.

"Yeah", I said, now listening to see which song it was. MGMT – Kids. A good song. Could have been a worse one to be caught listening to.

"So speaking of music, what kind of stuff are you into?" Joe asked. I shrugged.

"Anything really". Joe and Nick both scoffed. "No, seriously. British don't feel the need to put everyone into neat little boxes like Americans do. I mean, I can sit and watch...I don't know – Gossip Girl, then 10 minutes later head bang to Rage". Nick looked at me thoughtfully.

"So anything, then?", he asked. I smiled at him.

"Sure, I'm easy", I told him. Then blushed and burst out laughing. "I mean, you know, with music taste and all...yeah", I finished awkwardly as both Joe and Nick laughed away to themselves, catching the innuendo.

Ten minutes later, we pulled into a parking lot. Grabbing my purse, I reached for the door handle to find Nick had already pulled it open. More awkward smiles and blushing as I extracted myself from the car. The place we were eating at was almost what I had expected. Nothing too up scale but private. An Italian restaurant.

The rest of the Jonas family were pulling in behind us as we headed for the doors. I noticed that both the boys slowed their steps to allow Mr. Jonas to walk in front of them. I can only imagine how bemused I looked when noticing this. Everyone else, on the other hand, seemed to take it as the norm.

Inside it was cosy – not that outside wasn't warm...well to me anyway. I still wasn't used to this constant sun. When I left home the previous month, I left it covered in snow. I handed my coat to the maître d' along with everyone else and paused awkwardly as we were shown to the table. The first thing I noticed was that all the men stood waiting for the women to take their seats, pulling out the chairs for them. Mr. Jonas for Mrs. Jonas, Kevin for Danielle, Nick for Mrs. Kibble, Frankie for Maya and for me,

"Thanks Joe", I said sliding into my chair. I knew enough about the Jonas Family to realise that if Mrs. Kibble and Maya were here, it was important.

We were handed round menus and all began to look down them. I always dreaded this part in restaurants. I was a terribly fussy eater. I didn't eat fish – end of. I hated mayonnaise and ketchup. Most salad dressings were gross. I couldn't help it – it was just the way I ate. Lucky for me, it was Italian food. I got on well with Italian food – the pastas and the breads. We were good friends. I found a tomato pasta dish that seemed appetizing and ordered that when our server came round.

"So, Emma", Mrs. Jonas began. All eyes turned towards me and I panicked. 'OK_ brain, this is important so listen – THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK! No inappropriate comments. Be polite and civil_'. I went thorough this pep talk with myself, preparing for the questions that would follow. "Where about in Scotland are you from?". 'A_n easy one'_

"Fife, it's about a forty minute drive outside Edinburgh", I added as an explanation, so they would know roughly where on the map it sat.

"And you stayed their with you parents", Mr. Jonas asked.

"Yeah. Well I lived with my Mam and Step-Dad and my younger sister. My older sister moved out about a year ago". I was starting to babble, my nerves getting the better of me.

"Your _Mam?_", Joe picked up on. I blushed and cussed my Scottish-ness again.

"Yeah. My – my Mam, she grew up in the Highlands on a croft. Very Scottish and all. So some words, when your closely influenced by someone, you know – you pick up". This was hell. This was my own personal nightmare come to get me. I was making an idiot of myself and from the confused looks on their faces, I was talking to fast and too strongly accented and they only understood half the words. I cleared my throat and began to talk more slowly, purposely putting an American twang into the accent. "A croft is like a down-sized farm. Except when my mother was younger the farm land wasn't used by them, they rented it out to a nearby farmer. But she grew up in Glasgow from the age of fourteen, so she's quite civilised now", I added. Only Nick laughed. _'At least someone got the joke_'.

"So, your parents are separated?", Mrs. Jonas asked. _'yes, THIS topic of conversation was bound to be much better_'. I nodded,

"Yeah, for about ten years now. It works out well for them. They've both found people they're...better suited too", I struggled for words. Yes, my parents separation was hard on me back then, but they were better people, and better parents, for it now. I was grateful for it. The air was tense, as everyone struggled to find something to say. Focusing on the room instead, I tuned out the babble of the other dinners around me and focused on the music.

The grin that spread across my face was unstoppable. I placed my hand over my mouth in an attempt to hide it, staring down at the table avoiding all eye contact. But the song just seemed to grow louder and I couldn't help but let out a small giggle.

"Some thing funny, Emma?" Joe asked. Looking up, I noticed he was grinning too. And that's all it took. I snapped and couldn't stop laughing. Lucky for me, Joe joined in so I didn't look so crazy.

"Care to let us in on the joke?", Kevin asked. He was grinning as well. Laughter really was contagious.

"Listen to the song", Joe told him. Beyonce – Single Ladies. Soon the whole table was laughing. The images of Joe dancing in a leotard and heels was particularly amusing. After the laughter died down, Mr. Jonas turned to me again.

"I'm guessing you've heard some of the boys music then?". _'Some?', _I thought, 'J_ust four studio albums, one 3D movie, two movie soundtracks, one TV show and one concert in November_'.

"Um...I've heard a few things", I went for instead. Danielle piped up,

"When I first met Kev I thought he was messing about when he told me he was in a band". They grinned at each other. My two thoughts "Aww" followed up quickly by "get a room"...which if I'm honest was quickly followed by "they already got one".

The food finally came and I dug in. well I attempted to dig in, but my stomach was still in knots. Instead I took small bites and pushed my food from side to side on the plate, hiding the rest underneath my napkin when I was finished.

After everyone had settled their stomachs, the bill was paid and we were soon on our way home. The teenie in me still couldn't believe this was happening. Maybe I would wake up tomorrow and this would have all been a fantastic dream.

Both Nick and Joe walked me to my door waiting till was inside to leave. I found it a bit weird that both them felt the need to walk me. Inside, I quickly showered and headed to bed. I set my alarm on my phone when I noticed it flashing with a text. Or should I say text's. The first from Joe said,_ "Goodnight, sweet dreams xx" _My heart missed a beat. What was with the goodnight. And the two x's? I put it to the back of my mind as I sent a similar one back to him. The second was from Nick, saying, "_Anything? Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart_". Searching the song on-line, I found that I actually quite liked it, and eventually fell asleep to it.


	8. Emma Says Hello

Emma Says Hello

A week later I found myself sitting on set flicking through my iPod with Joe. Apparently, he believed that you could tell a lot about someone through their music taste. Well they were musicians I suppose. I liked to think I had a well rounded mix. Just now we were listening to David Bowie, before it had been La Rocca. "You have such a random taste in music", Joe exclaimed. I frowned.

"Not really".

"What do you mean, 'not really'?", He replied. I shrugged.

"Well during the day, you can go through about 5 different moods – different mindsets. So I like to have songs readily available for each mood. Hence the wide variety". Joe just stared at me, nothing to say to my comment. There really was nothing to say. Music – it was like a second language to me. I couldn't really write it...or sing it. But lyrics – I loved reading them. Knowing somewhere that someone had connected to these emotions and really believed in them and that I could connect with them and believe in them too. Corny – yes. But I couldn't help it really.

I was messing about with my phone, checking twitter. I was an addict, really it was unhealthy. There was a tweet from Nick, who was sitting on one of the couches across the room, reading his script for the next scene he had. 'Listening to music with Joe and Emma before a scene'. I looked over at him, not even realising that he was paying attention to us. He looked up at the same time I did. After some awkward eye contact, I looked away.

I was getting better around Nick. Well – relative to what I was anyway. I could talk if I was in a group of people that included him, but never directly to him. The acting thing was different – because I wasn't expected to be me. But talking to him...I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights every time.

Nick got up off the other couch and walked over to us, sitting down and sandwiching me in the middle. "Who are The Wombats", he said reading the band that were now playing.

"A British band, sort of like OK GO", I said, looking at the floor. When I talked about music with Joe we could talk forever about what songs we liked with what bands and all that. We were pretty in sync with each other. I was almost a little disappointed to find that I never listened to most of the things Nick did – with the exception of maybe Elvis Costello.

"So is that the type of thing your into?" he asked. I shrugged. After another awkward pause he continued, "How can you possibly not know?"

"I don't like to be labelled into a neat little box. So I don't really have a 'type' when it comes to anything", I told him, probably a little harshly. He never said anything after that.

"I like this song", Joe interjected, breaking the tension. I leaned into him slightly. I'm not entirely sure why, but it felt like a defensive move. Like I said, I liked Joe. He was easy to get along with, chatty and out-going. I had been spending most of my free time the past week, on set. Off set, I was somewhat of a loner. I didn't have any friends here to hang out with, they were all 3000 miles away. I suppose I could have asked Joe – or Chelsea, or Nicole to hang out after work. But spending 12 hours on set with someone then spending all your free time that night with them...it was over kill. Honestly seeing the same 7 or 8 people every day was starting to drive me insane!

"What you thinking about", Joe asked, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I smiled at him.

"Nothing really, just staring into space". Actually I was thinking I needed air. I felt like I was suffocating between these two boys, that ordinarily I would have killed to be squished between. I got up quickly from the couch, telling the boys over my shoulder that I'd be back in a minute.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. This feeling just suddenly came over me, like my chest was being constricted, or all the air in the room was suddenly not enough. I headed for the nearest exit doors, breaking out into the blinding sun in the parking lot.

After blinking a few times, I slid down against the building wall, feeling light headed from all the deep breaths I was taking. I slowly put my head between my knees that were pulled up against my chest.

I don't know how long I sat like that, but it must have been at least 10 minutes. I heard someone approaching and looked up, thinking one of the boys must of finally come to look for me. But it wasn't them. They, or she I should say, looked down at me concerned.

"Hey, are you OK?", She asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm cool – just needed air", I told her. She sat down on the ground next to me, laughing.

"Yeah, these lots can get kinda stuffy with 80 or so people crammed into them", she paused, then held out her hand, "I'm Selena", she told me. Like I didn't already know! Selena Gomez was up there with the boys for Disney royalty right now.

"I'm Emma", I said clasping her hand.

"Your the new girl on Jonas", it wasn't really a question but I nodded anyway. "Wow, cool. I heard there was a Scottish person floating about here somewhere". I laughed. I had no idea what this obsession was with the accent, or the heritage for that matter.

"Well you found her", I said grinning. We both sat there for a few minutes, me resuming my staring into nothing-ness.

"You sure your OK?", she asked again. I nodded.

"Yeah, just – the boys are driving me up the wall. I've not really seen anyone but the people I work with for the past few days. I just needed a bit of space". I pressed my lips together. I wasn't entirely sure why I just ranted my problems to a virtual stranger. However, she didn't look like she minded. In fact she looked like she was empathising.

"Trust me I know THAT feeling", she said. "Must be hard being so far away from all your other friends as well. I know it is for me, and mine all stay in this country". I sighed. Finally someone got it. I was about to ask her if she maybe wanted to grab lunch or something – she had sat on the ground with me for almost 15 minutes, so it was safe to say she probably didn't mind my company, when someone walked in front of us, blocking the sun out.

Looking up, it took me a minute to realise it was one of the set assistants, looking for me. "Emma, sorry, we need you in hair just now", she said. I sighed and got up from the ground, Selena doing the same thing.

"Well it was nice meeting you", she said, adding as an after thought, "if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm just across the lot". I smiled.

"Hey, thanks, I probably will hold you to that", I told her. She laughed and I turned and trooped back onto set, feeling a bit better. That is what I was missing – girl talk. It had been so long since I'd just said down and talked about...nothing really, just had a bit of a moan. Sure I e-mailed all my friends, but it wasn't the same. I needed more female friends and I was really hoping Selena was being serious when she said I could talk to her any time.


	9. Look Whos Coming To Dinner

A couple of days later, Selena text me and asked me out to lunch. To say I was excited was an understatement. I loved her – her work, both acting and singing – she was beautiful and seemed so sweet!

Of course I knew all about her history. Particularly that of her previous relationships with a Jonas. Twice they had dated then split – the first time because of him, the second her. As we slid into a booth at some local restaurant, she began telling me about it.

"I mean, I love Nick, don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. I just felt, like, you know. I had to see if there was anything still there. You know?". I nodded along with her, knowing exactly how she felt. At least this time their split was more amicable, if not a little distant now. She went on to tell me that they hadn't really hung out since the split but more than that, she didn't want to. "I mean, as Taylor said, it's easier just to cut them off. Say 'have a good life' and get on with yours". Not missing the Taylor reference, my heart skipped a couple beats, starstruck that she could just mention a star such as Taylor Swift casually in the passing.

We glanced over the menus both deciding just to get a cheeseburger and fries with cokes and I began to tell her about the events leading me up to being...well here. The more I explained them, the stranger they sounded. I mean what were the odds that I'd get the once placement that could lead to all this? "It's God's work", Selena replied casually. I squirmed uncomfortably. Religion really wasn't my thing. It wasn't really a big thing in the UK, no one went to church on Sundays ect. But I let the comment slide. To each his (or her) own. "Do you not find it hard being so far away from everything?", she asked.

Nodding, I answered, "Of course. I miss all of my friends and family so much all the time. But luckily there's the internet. So I email and chat to various people almost nightly", I gushed.

That was the other thing about Selena – she seemed really genuinely interested in what was going on in your life. She wasn't looking around or acting bored, she was actually listening and sympathising when I said I missed everyone. She went on to tell me about her friends back home in Texas and everything she missed there.

"Then of course there's Demi", she told me. Half way through a bite of my burger, I looked up.

"If you don't mind me asking, what actually happened there?"

"Um...it's a long story. But basically, we just grew apart, you know? After growing up, we found we didn't have as much in common and after a huge argument, we just kinda stopped talking". Selena looked down at the table sadly. It was obvious to anyone that she clearly missed her former best friend. I knew how she felt, again, having went through something similar when I was about her age. It surprised me how much we had in common and how instantly we seemed to click. For someone who was just 17, she seemed so much more mature than that.

We paid the bill and slid out of the booth heading back to my car. Selena had still to sit her driving test, so I was driving us back to the studio set as we both had scenes to do that afternoon. Pulling up into the parking lot I seen Nick get out of his truck at the same time. He smiled over at me and I waved back. He started towards me then stopped, his eyes averted to Selena, coming around the side of my car. I turned to face Selena and she hugged me telling me we should do this again sometime, then walked away to her side of the set. I was confused. That was such a weird reaction from her!

Turning back round to Nick, I saw that he still stood in the same place, halfway between our cars, staring after Selena as she walked away. I closed the distance between us and was stood at his side before he said anything. "I would watch your back with her", he told me, before heading towards the studio lot. I looked at him confusedly as we walked together.

"What is that supposed to mean", I eventually asked. He just shrugged and kept walking. After a few moments I realised he wasn't going to answer the question and I was in no mood to make small talk, so we both walked on in silence.

I headed to my dressing room as soon as we got in and sank down onto a chair. I didn't want to think too much about Nicks comment. Given their past history, there was undoubtedly going to be some hostile feelings.

A soft tap on my door shook me out of my daze. It was an assistant telling me I was needed in make-up. Getting out of the chair, I went dutifully to where needed, letting the comment float of of my concious thought.


	10. Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days

It was my first day off in almost two weeks. I was comfortable and warm in my bed and had been enjoying a lovely dream. I was happy. Well until my phone started buzzing away, telling my I had a text. "_You awake yet?". _Joe. I grabbed my phone and rolled onto my back, texting my reply. "_NO!". _I lay with one arm over my eyes, the bright spring sunlight burning through the curtains of my abnormally white room. "_Go to your door",_ was the reply I received. Moaning in annoyance, I stumbled out of bed and with eyes half shut, made it to the front door. Pulling it open, the last thing I expected to see was Joe standing there holding a cup of coffee. "Morning", He called out, disgustingly cheerful for 9am. I groaned at him and accepted the cup he held out for me, wandering into the living room leaving the door open for him to follow. A small part of me wanted to take the coffee shut the door in his face and crawl back to sleep.

"I'm guessing we're not a morning person then", he said, following me through.

"That's a bit of an understatement...but no. Defiantly not a morning person. Especially not a morning person on my day off. When I could still be asleep....I hate you", I muttered. Joe laughed an irresistible laugh and I couldn't help but grin along with him. I took a long drink from the coffee like it was the elixir of life – at least it felt that way to me. We sat in relative silence, the only noise coming from drinking coffee and passing traffic outside. It wasn't an uncomfortable or awkward silence though. I had never been one for small talk anyway, laying back on my couch, cradling the coffee.

After a moment, Joe looked at me and commented, "Nice jammies", with a smirk. I looked down at them. It was just a tank top and shorts. The tank top however, was a Jonas Brothers tour top. I blushed slightly. "Do you always enjoy going to bed with us?". My eyes flew open in shock. I had never expected such a blatant sexual innuendo from any of the boys. It took me a minute to recover and by then I was joining Joe in laughing.

"Joseph Adam Jonas! That's shocking!", I claimed in mock horror.

"Oh please, I've heard much worse from you", he countered. I just shrugged.

"Yes...but it's expected from _me_. I'm not a good girl", I grinned.

"I bet you could be a _very_ good girl", Joe leaned in, his tone laced with an ulterior motive. It was me, again, who blushed and pulled back from him. Joe laughed, his eyes wide and innocent. "Did I say something wrong?". My answer was to hit him across his arm and get up off the couch.

"I'm going to go get showered. Make yourself at home", I said wandering out of the room, my face still flushed from the conversation I had just had. As I was grabbing clothes out my closet the irony struck me – make yourself at home. Something I had yet to do. I still felt like a stranger staying in a guest house. Maybe it was because I hadn't done anything personal to the house yet. Most of my stuff was still stacked in boxes in the spare room. I hadn't had a moment to fully unpack...or hadn't wanted to. Something about this house felt very...temporary. It made me feel unsettled, like I hadn't yet found my footing.

After my shower I quickly threw myself together, never being one for caring about appearances too much. 45 minutes later, I stepped back into the living room to find Joe sprawled across the couch flicking through TV channels. The boy really knew the meaning of make yourself at home. "Where we going?", I asked. Getting up of the couch, he shrugged.

"Shopping?". I mulled it over. Yes I enjoyed shopping as much as the next girl. But having been out walking with the boys once before, I knew the media circus it could be. It was the strangest sensation, having 5 or 6 grown men following you taking your photo asking random questions. They could also be pretty intimidating. All of the boys handled it like pros, however. They managed to pretend they weren't even there – most of the time. Some of the photographers could be a little bit aggressive. I finally nodded and we headed out to his car. The boys had this weird macho thing going on, where they always felt the need to drive – and open doors for you, which Joe was doing, before heading round the side of the car to get in himself. Again, I thought how unusual this was...but nice at the same time.

We drove to Rodeo drive - where the rich come to shop and everyone else comes to be seen. It was a media circus. I hated it, only having been here once before. The high end store where you pay $1000 for a pair of jeans seemed utterly ridiculous for me! I grudged paying $60 for the ones I was wearing now. Joe was about to get out the car, when a group of photographers spotted him. "looks like we'll find somewhere else to park", he said pulling back out onto the street.

"Hey, do you think we could just go somewhere else?", I asked suddenly. This place was making me feel claustrophobic. Joe glanced sideways at me.

"Sure. Of course".

We drove. And drove. And drove. I had no idea where we were going, but as the built up town faded into suburbs I felt myself relax a bit more. I hadn't had a panic attack in a very long time. Last time I got on a flight actually. But as I felt my body unwind and my breathing return to normal, I realised I had just been having one. "You ok now?", Joe asked quietly. I just nodded. He pulled into a parking lot and it took a minute before I realised it was a mall. I looked at him.

"I thought you hated malls?". He smiled.

"I don't hate them. Its nice to get away from all that crazy back there". I felt my face grow red. I must have looked like a wreck back there, because now Joe was being...sweet. His forehead was creased in concern and his hand rested lightly on my arm.

"Yeah, sorry about all that. I'm a bit strange", I said, laughing it off. He joined me in the laughter, the mood instantly lightened and we both got out the car to walk into the mall. Joe insisted we ate first – I think he thought I was going to faint or something from the way he hovered close to me. We chose a quite looking restaurant and just grabbed the days special – steak and fries. It was quite good. Joe eyed my plate after we had finished.

"Its unusual being with a girl that can actually eat" . I stared at my plate and shrugged,

"I like food", I said simply.

We continued shopping, me buying way more than I expected to. But I was having fun and had a bad habit of spending more money when I was happy. My favourite purchase of the day was a Power Puff Girl t-shirt, I was a sucker for those kind of tops.

Heading back out to the car, Joe turned to me. "I'm going to my parents house for dinner tonight, if you want to come", he asked while climbing into the car.

"Um...won't they mind if you just show up with someone else in tow?", I asked, looking for excuses.

"No, I already told them I was out with you today and my Mom invited you along". I nodded.

"Then, yeah, sure. Sounds great".

_Crap. _


	11. Star Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers

**Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers**

We pulled up into the high walled, gated garden of Joe's parents house. He moved out into a smaller apartment before Christmas with some of his band members, but still came home every couple of weeks. My jaw dropped at the house. It was only two stories high but was four rooms wide. It was amazing. Big white sand stone, wide windows, green lawn. The whole nine yards.

Joe parked in front of the house along with several other cars. Swinging my legs out the car, I was still staring in awe at the house and stumbled getting out. Lucky for me, Joe was walking around the side of the car to help me and caught me as I stumbled. I flew forward into his arms. "There's no need to fall for me, Emma", he laughed. My respond was another playful punch in the arm, the grin spreading across my face. He grabbed my arm to steady me and we walked forward to the house.

In the process of all of this, someone had walked out the door. A girl, about my hight with long black hair and dark make-up. The look on her face matched her style. Black. _"If looks could kill...",_ I thought to myself. We walked up to the house, Joe Grinning at the girl on the steps.

"Demi!", He exclaimed, "I didn't know you were coming tonight", he said, his whole face alight at the girl. The look on Joe's face made me smile. He liked her. Of course he had talked about his friends when we were together and mentioned Demi quite often. But it wasn't until I saw the look on his face that I knew he wanted her to be more than just his friend. And from the way she was looking at me, it was clear that she liked him as more than just a friend. If she could have ripped my throat out there and then, I think she might of. I quickly brushed Joe's hand off my arm, not wanting to send any mixed signals to...well anyone.

When we finally made it through the door, Mrs. Jonas came over to hug her son and greet me. "I'm so glad you could join us", she said warmly – genuinely. I smiled back,

"Thank you for inviting me. Your house is beautiful", I said, gazing in awe around the front room. And it was. A wide open entrance hall, which led through to a kitchen at the back. To the left was a living room and on my right, the stairs leading to the upper floor. I could hear chatter flowing from the back of the house.

"Joe everyone is outside, if you want to show Emma out into the garden. We decided since it was such a nice night, just to have a barbecue instead". I breathed a sigh of relief – barbecue's were informal. Friendly. And from the way Demi was still glaring at me, I could use a friend. I wished Selena was here. I could use a friendly face. But of course she couldn't be. Her history with Nick alone was enough to exclude her from this, never mind adding Demi into the mix. I could see why they grew apart. Selena was so nice and Demi...

"Actually, is there a bathroom I could use", I said to Mrs. Jonas. I wasn't really needing, just anything to allow Demi to drag Joe away like she clearly wanted. She hadn't left his side the entire time we had been here. The Bathroom was just down a corridor at the side of the stairs, something I hadn't noticed when I first came in.

Walking into the bathroom and locking the door behind me, I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked pale. And not just Scottish pale – sick pale. I was nervous. I wasn't good at meeting new people as it was, but doing it so unexpectedly made my feel faint. I was crap at small talk and usually said inappropriate things at the worst of times. After a couple minutes and several deep breaths, I headed back out the door, into the darkened corridor.

Closing the door, I turned round and ran into Nick. I leapt about three foot in the air, not expecting to – literally – run into anyone. "Sorry", I mumbled as I walked past, averting my eyes to the ground. Nick just nodded his head and continued on into the bathroom. I had no idea, what I had done today but Nick looked mad at me as well and I had no idea why. We barely spoke outside of work – we barely spoke inside work. Ever since the Selena incident he had avoided me as much as possible, never answering my question about why I should "watch myself" around her.

I headed towards the kitchen, where Mrs. Jonas and a few people were talking. "Emma", she called out. I wandered over to the group and she introduced me to a few people. Christa Black and her husband, Lucas. Christa was a band member of the boys. The other was Phil McIntyre and his wife. Phil was one half of the bands management. I smiled politely at them and answered the questions they asked. How old I was, was I enjoying staying here, did I like the job. When the conversation turned to other things I couldn't speak about I excused myself and wandered into the garden.

It was a beautiful garden. A white stone patio extended out a few meters, where it met a large patch of grass. At the bottom of the garden there was a beautiful wide swimming pool surrounded by a few lounge chairs, which several people were gathered around – most of which I had no idea who they were. Various band members were amongst this crowd. The only reason I knew them was from being a Jonas super fan. I smiled to myself, knowing that one day being completely obsessed would come in handy.

After a few moments of standing awkwardly at the edge of the garden I was saved by Frankie. The youngest Jonas was adorable and so energetic. Just now, however, he was wanting to show me something on his video game. We both sat down on the slabs, me looking over his shoulder as he played. I liked being with Frankie – it reminded me of my other jobs. Of a more normal, simple life. I was comfortable sitting there, watching Frankie, the sun high above shinning down on us. It wasn't long before I felt something very hairy rub against my arm.

Looking to my left, I saw a gorgeous golden retriever sitting watching me. My first instinct was to pet him and he lay down at my side his head resting across my lap. After a moment, someone behind me called to the dog. "Elvis, come on. Stop bothering her". Looking up I saw Nick standing over me.

"Um, he's – he's not bothering me", I stuttered. "_Smooth, Emma, Smooth"_, I thought. Why was it not capable for me to be remotely normal. Nick just looked at me, then walked off. I watched him cross the yard, sit by the pool and talk to Greg Garbowski, the bands bass player. The white t shirt he was wearing clung to his arms, in a way that made me unable to take my eyes off him. That is until he looked up and caught me staring. I blushed such a deep red, I wouldn't be surprised if Nick himself saw it. I avoided looking at him from then on.

My gaze instead drifted onto Demi and Joe, Who were sitting at a table by themselves at the edge of the garden. They were both leaning intently into each other, talking. I sighed. I was going to have to do something to let Demi know that I was in no way interested in Joe. I mean, sure, he was attractive – any idiot could see that. But I wanted to let Demi know I wasn't attracted to him. The only problem was how to actually bring something like that up. It wasn't the greatest of conversation starters.

Food was being served off the barbecue and I wandered over to grab a plate. Taking a bite into my hot dog however, left my mouth on fire. I headed into the kitchen to grab a drink. The only other person in there was Demi. Now or never I thought. Before I lost my nerve, I turned to her. "Hi", was my super awesome conversation starter. She barely glanced at me.

"Hey". Yeah, this was going to be fun. I paused for a minute. Every body signal she was giving off was making clear she didn't want to talk to me. I took another deep breath to steady the butterflies in my stomach.

"I just wanted to say I think your amazing. You voice is so powerful and your so beautiful", she turned to look at me, arching a perfectly plucked eyebrow. "I know that totally sounds like some sort of come on – but I promise its strictly a girl crush I have on you", I laughed nervously. "All of that sounded much better in my head". I was a nervous wreck. I didn't know why. It was true, I had a girl crush on Demi, she was amazing. But did I have to sound like such a loser when I told her this? I cleared my throat, trying to dispel the awkward tension that was building. "I'm sorry. I just feel like I know you already. Joe talks about you all the time". OK not strictly true – but he did talk about her more than most. Plus his face lit up when he talked about her. It was close enough to the truth.

"He does?", she asked turning her whole body to me, fully engaged in the conversation. I smiled. Was it really that easy? I nodded.

"Yeah. He seems to really get on well with you. And enjoys spending time with you", That wasn't a lie. Anyone could see this. Demi smiled. "Your lucky. He's cute. I mean not that I'm attracted to him – I can just see that he's...attractive". So close! So close to being normal. Lucky for me, she laughed. Was it really that easy for girls to get along? Just tell them that your not interested in the guy they are. Apparently so. Demi asked me questions about myself as we walked back out into the garden, drinks in hand. I followed her over to the table where she and Joe had been sitting – where Joe and Nick were sitting now.

I suddenly lost my appetite.

Demi continued to ask me questions, about my friends, my family but suddenly I was finding it harder and harder to talk. Especially since Joe and Nick stopped having their conversation and were now focusing on ours. I suddenly found the table top very interesting. "So you left anyone behind?", Demi said, wriggling her eyebrows suggestively. My mouth felt bone dry.

"Defiantly not. There was no one fascinating enough for me to be interested", I said lightly. I wanted desperately to change the subject. I was a loser when it came to relationships. The only and only serious relationship I had had ended quite badly, when I felt it was getting too serious, I broke it off. Not the smartest move, but neither was it one I had ever regretted. Three pairs of eyes were focused on me and I didn't like that feeling. I was about to make an attempt to shift the focus when Nick spoke to me.

"What about your family. You don't talk about them much", he said softly. I shrugged.

"There's not much to talk about. I get on with them well and speak to them every couple days". I brushed the subject aside. Another not exact truth. I hadn't spoken to my Mam in over a week. I missed her so much. My two sisters as well. And my best friends. I had barely spoken to them since this craziness erupted. In truth, I was lonely. Very lonely. Nick stared at me for a moment longer and the subject was changed, gratefully.

The rest of the night was a quite blur in which I spent most of the time avoiding being the center of any kind of attention, till finally Demi offered my a ride home with her.


	12. Those Are Strings, Emma

Those Are Strings, Emma

Monday morning. God I hated Mondays! The were God's way of testing the deepest wells of humanity! As per morning usual, my alarm didn't just get put onto snooze, it was flung somewhere across the other side of the room, to be retrieved at a later date. Flinging my legs out the side of the bed, I forced myself to get up and just in a cold shower. It would wake me up enough to be semi-presentable for make-up on set. Grumbling to myself, I squealed a little as the cold water hit my back, letting my body adjust to the temperature before washing my hair. This was just one of the things I couldn't get used to – cold showers. Here they were actually oddly refreshing after a hot day in L.A. Back home, I would have been thought of as mad.

I dried myself off and wandered into my room to grab some clothes. I noticed my phone was flashing with a text on my bedside cabinet. Selena. "Hey, could you pick me up this morning for work?". I text her back, "Sure". I hadn't spoken to her in a couple of days and could use the gossip before going onto set. I liked Chelsea and Nicole, my two co-stars, but had yet to reach that level of friendliness where you could gossip openly.

I rushed out the door, running slightly late. The morning sun was just beginning to rise. Disgustingly. I didn't think it was possible to be running late at 4.30am. I climbed into my heap of crap car that hadn't been used in almost a week. I was so used to other people driving me around. OK it wasn't strictly a heap of crap. But it wasn't new – and compared to everyone else's cars...yeah it was a heap of crap. I headed over to Selena's house, in Encino. Even though it meant doubling back from my house in Studio City, it wouldn't take too long. There was hardly any other cars on the road bar mine. _Stupid 4.30 am._

Outside Selena's home I rung her cell a couple of times then hung up. A few minutes later she came out the house looking as flawless as usual. I would kill to look like her! "Morning", she said.

"Hey, have a good weekend", I asked, pulling out of her street. She Nodded.

"Yeah it was good. I went to this Make A Wish Foundation fund-raiser. Was absolutely amazing". I smiled at her. So she was beautiful AND a nice person. Lucky. There was a few moments silence in the car. "So I hear you met Demi over the weekend". I felt kind of bad.

"Um, yeah", I said, clearing my throat. "The Jonas'...Joni...um anyway, they were having this barbecue thing. And since I was already out with Joe, I just kind of...went...along". The car was filled with an awkward sort of silence. I didn't know what to say.

"No that's cool", Selena said eventually, her voice small. "I mean, what did you think of Demi?". I shrugged. I wasn't quite sure exactly what I thought of her yet, so I said the first thing that came into my head.

"She's aright. A bit self-centred and extremely jealous person. But other than that...nice?". Selena laughed.

"Yeah, she's a lot to deal with. Trust me, I've been there. It's like, when we were friends, every time we both had problems her were always MUCH worse than mine. And her new _friends_, well their just lovely! People just clinging on so they'll get their photos in some tabloid magazine and they can be somebody for a day", Selena ranted. She took a deep breath to calm herself. It made me said to see how hurt she had been by this friendship. It also made me like Demi a bit less.

"Ahh, well I've not met her "scene" friends yet. And I don't plan on it either. I probably would have never met her if it wasn't for the whole barbecue thing", I told her. If it came down to it, I WAS Selena's friend first. I got on with her better and didn't feel intimidated by her. Demi on the other hand. My mind flashed back to the look she gave me the first time we met. Like I was some sort of competition. I don't think I had ever seen Selena regard anyone like that before. Sure I had only known her a month now, but I felt like that was enough. We had enough in common to have quickly become friends.

"I would just watch you back with her, OK. I wouldn't want her to do to you what she did me". I nodded as we pulled into the studio lot. That was the second person to tell me to watch my back around people. And everyone wondered why I felt so unsettled here. I couldn't trust anyone! Or at least, it felt that way.

We both got out of the car and headed off to our respective lots, hugging each other goodbye. The sun was almost fully risen by now, casting long shadows across the lot. I turned my face towards it and suddenly felt suffocated by the buildings that were closing in around me. I took a few deep breaths, to steady myself and went in. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and artificial lighting. I felt a pair of arms snake around my shoulders. "Morning". Joe.

"Hey", I said turning to him. "Enjoy your day yesterday?". I heard that he had spent it with Demi. There was photos circulating the internet of the two of the looking very cosy, lying in a park. He grinned.

"Yeah, I did actually". I smiled back at him, glad for his happiness. He hadn't had much luck in previous relationships. I hoped this one one be different. He was one of my closest friends – my only friends – out here and I was grateful for him. We walked onto set, his arm still draped around my shoulder, and headed for costume. I was getting used to the school uniform thing they had to wear almost every day. Maybe that's why I was caught so off guard when I was handed a beautiful floor length dress in a dark blue.

"What's this for?", I asked, inspecting the gown. As far as I knew it was just another hallway scene this morning.

"Schedules been shifted about. Were doing the dance scene this morning". _Oh shhhhh!_ This wasn't going to be fun. It was a typical high school dance scene we had to do, but we weren't supposed to be filming it for another two days. I began to hyperventilate. Being the close to Nick, him having his arms around my waist, that much eye contact...it was more than my brain could cope with. I sat down in the hair and make-up chair while they curled my hair. Usually they just straightened it, but obviously today was a special scene. I zoned in and out while people fussed over me. It was easier that way if you just let them do their thing. I trusted them anyway.

"OK time to go get dressed", they said, swinging round my chair. I took my dress and trudged off to my dressing room. I took off my usual sweat pants and baggy top and slipped into the dress, the silky material cool against my skin. I looked at the black pair of heels they had left out for me. Not a good idea. I had trouble standing up in sneakers, never mine these 4 inch death traps. My mind was still preoccupied on the heels, when someone knocked on my door.

"Yeah?", I called out. The door opened and Nick walked in wearing a tuxedo. Black with a white shirt and black tie. He looked amazing. "Um...hey", I said. Nick just continued to stare at me. It was an awkward and uncomfortable 5 seconds, until eventually he frowned and said,

"Your needed on set", then he turned and left. I was so confused. I really didn't know what I had done to make him dislike me so much. One minute we seemed to be making progress, the next he can't stop glaring at me. It was made worse by the fact -

"Emma! Come on", Joe shouted from the hall way. Interrupting my train of thought, I slowly stumbled out of my dressing room as Joe was coming in. We collided, rather painfully. "OWW!", Joe called out.

"Oops. Sorry!", I pulled an apologetic face. He was wearing something similar to Nick but with Converse instead of Nicks black shoes. I looked him up and down, "You clean up good Joseph". He laughed.

"Not looking too bad yourself". We both headed onto the Gym set which had been transformed with various balloons, lights and a disco ball. The lights were still up though. We had to block the scene first.

"OK", this weeks director, Catherine called out, "Were going to go over some basic waltzing first, before we do the scene. It may save some people some toes!", everyone laughed. I looked around the room to see Chelsea in a red gown, similar to my won and Nicole in a silver on, that was a bit shorter and had an underskirt. They both looked stunning. "OK lets pair up!", She called out. Nicole would be dancing with Kevin, Who had replaced the black tie with a silver bow-tie, to match Nicole's dress. Joe dramatically bowed to Chelsea and asked,

"May I have this dance?", Chelsea giggled and took his hand, heading out to the dance floor. I had a sudden case of butterflies in my stomach. My hand were shaking and my legs felt unstable. My heart pounded rapidly somewhere in my throat. _This was supposed to get easier_, I thought to myself, _not harder!_ Nick walked over to where I stood. I tried to read the expression on his face but it was masked. He was a closed book to me. I didn't like it.

I reached out and took the hand he had extended to me. It was cool and firm, and I grasped it tighter as we began to walk. I hated heels. Nick responded by clasping mine a bit tighter and I though I was going to faint. My pulse was racing so bad I thought everyone must be able to hear it. We stood facing each other and Nick slid his other hand around my waist, his right had still clasping mine firmly. I was very aware of how close his body was to mine, his face. I could feel the heat his body was emitting. But I couldn't raise my eyes to meet his, no matter how hard I tried. Instead I glanced over his shoulder and the two dancers who would be showing us how to move.

"OK everyone, let's begin!"


	13. Truth, Bitter Truth

Truth, Bitter Truth

My dancing wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be. Especially since I was in the arms of a boy who was making me go weak at the knees. Lucky for me, we were both concentrating too hard on our feet to want to talk. Well Nick was too busy concentrating on his feet. I was more focus on the arm that was slid round my waist.

He had a firm grasp of me, his hand resting on my hip. The other held my hand just below shoulder hight in a traditional waltz position. We had just been working on going in small circles in a four step dance. The basics of basics. Nick kept his eyes on the ground, leading us both. This left my mind pretty free to wander.

As his head was bowed I was able to look at him without him noticing. He was five inches taller than me, a comfortable height difference. I stared at his face, at his lips. They were both full curved, on side slightly lopsided in concentration. Those brown eyes that seemed to go on forever that were framed in a circle of lashes. I worked my eyes down his neck to his chest. The muscles were taught, well built. He had taken the dinner jacket off and rolled up the sleeves of the white shirt he was wearing so I could see every curve of his biceps. Following the line of muscle down to his hands where some veins were sicking out form the angle of his hand. I could feel the calluses on his fingers on the back of my hand. Pulling my eyes back up I looked at Nicks face and was surprised to lock eye contact with his beautiful, big, brown eyes. My stomach did the mother of all somersaults and I almost lost the dancing pattern as I quickly averted my eye to look over his shoulder.

I caught a glance of myself in a mirror. My eyes looked wide, guilty.

But I couldn't help but think of the look on Nicks face when we made eye contact. It was...curious. Like he couldn't work something out, his eyes searching mine for an answer to an unspoken question. It unnerved me. I liked to know things. Not just gossip things. But what people were thinking things. It annoyed me not to know. I felt my face frown the more I thought about it. I had never had someone look at me so intently, so fascinated in my life. It was as if I was a new species a scientist had just come across. It didn't feel good to be stared at like that, like I was different or not the norm. It defiantly put me out of my comfort zone.

We broke for lunch soon after that and today I chose to sit a a table with Chelsea and Nicole instead of my usual with the brothers. I didn't think I could handle it today. They were talking about the usual on set gossip. My eyes, however, were occupied on my usual table, where Nick was sitting. I couldn't help it. "Did you hear that that guy **Cameron Quiseng from All Star Weekend visited Selena on set again today?". I looked up, hearing Selena's name. **

**"Again?", I asked. They both turned to me, knowing I had grown close to her. **

**"Yeah", Chelsea giggled. Maybe that's what was wrong with Nick. My heart sunk at the idea that he wasn't quite over her yet. "Did she say anything to you about it?".**

**I shrugged. "Just he asked her out but she changed it into a group thing. I don't think she was quite ready to take a leap into that again". I was protective of Selena but telling them what everyone already presumed wouldn't hurt. I glanced back over at Nick. He looked...well I wasn't actually sure how he looked. I was always able to ready body language quite well...but not Nick. It was frustrating. The two went into more gossip about a mutual friend I didn't know but I was content to ****be left with my thoughts. **

**I was letting my eyes wander across the room when Joe laughed loudly. I turned to stare at him and found Nick with his head in his hands. When he looked up his was looking none too pleased. A leggy brunet was making her way across to the table where they sat. With a low cut top and a belt trying to pass a a skirt, she leaned over the table towards him suggestively. "Oh my gosh! Is that who I think it is?", Nicole said. I turned to her.**

**"Who?", I said, rather shapely.**

**"Courtney Galliano". I had heard of her of course. Back up dancer on Camp Rock 2 and resident slut. Or at least that's what I liked to think of her. Jealousy was a tricky thing. All three of us continued to stare at her.**

**"I thought Nick was dodging her calls. His Mom doesn't approve of the little fame whore apparently. Her pet name, not mine!". I looked at Chelsea, shocked. I couldn't imagine Mrs Jonas using language like that. **

**After a few more minutes of discussion, Courtney turned and left, everyone still watching her. She seemed to be aware of her audience so she looked over her shoulder and waved at Nick. I hated her. I could still feel the anger in my eyes as I turned back to look at Nick, wanting to see how he was reacting to all this. Unfortunately for me, he beat me to it and was already looking at me with a slightly shocked expression. I quickly tried to clear all emotion from my face, turning back down to my food, pretending to eat. It was the third time in a week I had skipped my lunch. **

**A few minutes had passed in which we continued on talking...well Chelsea and Nicole talked – bitched – about Courtney and I listened but it wasn't much that I hadn't heard already, when suddenly the lights went out. Everyone sat around in the dark until the emergency lights came on, much dimmer than the others. We all sat about, until someone checked it out. It took 15 minuets for someone to come back and tell us that road works had put out 5 blocks including our by cutting through a mains line. It would be a day or two at least until they could get it sorted. There was nothing left to do but to go home. **

**I went back to my dressing room and changed back into my own clothes to head home and was walking down the corridor, when I heard Joe say my name from Nicks dressing room. The door had been left slightly open. I knew it was wrong to listen behind doors and I didn't normally do it. But when you hear your name being mentioned curiosity gets the better of you. I stood just to the left of the door, listening while Joe said, "What about Emma? I mean its pretty obvious she's into you". My face flushed. I hadn't realised my emotions were being so visible. Something was put down heavily on a table – a hand maybe?**

**"Look Joe, I don't care OK?", Nick said angrily. "I don't care if some girl has a stupid crush on me, its not going to happen". Those words rang in my ears and I felt sick. Yes, fair enough, I knew it was a long shot that someone like him would like someone like me, but to hear it confirmed so bluntly was...devastating. I didn't want to hear any more. I couldn't breath. I stood up away from the wall, just as Kevin's door, opposite Nicks, opened.**

**"Hey Emma, what are you doing?", he looked amused. It was far from how I felt. **

**In that moment, everything seemed to slow down. I could hear that both Joe and Nick had gone silent. I could hear the pulse beating in my ears, my face felt clammy, like I was recovering from a bad flu. I was like a rabbit caught in the headlights, glued absolutely to the spot. I couldn't even ****force myself to move as I heard someone in the dressing room walk towards the door. ****_Run!_**** But I couldn't. All I could do was stand there hopeless as the door was pulled fully opened and I faced both Joe and Nick standing there, staring. My face finally regained some colour with a light blush, but it was enough to jolt me out of my shell-shocked state. I looked at Joe, tears of humiliation gathering in my eyes. I couldn't even bring myself to look at Nick. **

**I ran.**

**_Only thieves and children run._**

**I was halfway out the studio when I heard Joe call out to me. I sped up, hearing footsteps behind me. Joe was fast but I was too close to my car. I fumbled with the keys and threw my bag inside, following quickly myself. I managed to get the lock down on the car door, just as Joe reached for it, pulling on the handle. I could hear his muffled voice calling out to me to just wait a minute. I stared the car and pulled out of the lot, barely taking notice when Joe had to jump back to avoid his feet being ran over as I reversed. But I didn't care. The only thing I cared about was those five words ringing in my ears.**

**_It's never going to happen._**


	14. The Lonesome Road

**The Lonesome Road**

I just kept driving. I wasn't sure where to. I wasn't even sure where I was now. I just felt a strange sort of numbness somewhere deep in my bones. _It's never going to happen._ How could I be so stupid. Yes I had a crush on him. But I didn't think much of it. I mean we barely talked so how on earth could he make a judgement on someone he didn't know? I could feel the miles of the road disappearing under my car, while I thought away to myself. And then I didn't think. I just kept repeating those words. The whole scene. Being caught, feeling so humiliated. I didn't even realise I was crying until I felt the tear touch my lip. I licked it away tasting salt.

An annoying sound entered my thoughts and it took a good minute to realise it was my phone. _7 missed calls._ Funny, I hadn't even heard the first 6. My phone rung again as I held it in my hand, looking down at the screen I saw the called ID flash Joe.

And that's all it took. One moment of lapse concentration. I heard the horn from the other car sound. Glancing up I realised I had swerved out onto the other side of the road and was driving right into another car. I dropped my phone and grabbed the wheel, pulling back over just in time. The other driver cursed my as he continued and I didn't blame him.

I felt more numb now than ever. I had almost crashed my car. I pulled off at the first turn and parked my car in a secluded spot. My breathing was rapid while the shock of what had happened hit me. It came like waves, one thought after another, crashing down over the top of me. Nick's comment had been the straw that broke the camels back. I almost crashed my car, I was unattractive, I had no real friends over here, I lived alone, I missed my family, I missed home.

I cried.

The tears came fast and constant and I let them. I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned over the steering wheel for support. My whole body shook as I cried violently. I didn't know if they would ever end. I felt like I couldn't breath because the tears were coming so fast. I was hunched over in defeat, crying until I felt empty. Until I couldn't cry any more. My throat was sore, my eyes dried up.

My tears eventually turned into sobs, then hiccups, until finally, they stopped. I leaned back on my seat, breathing slowly, trying to calm my self down. I could feel my face was puffy, but checked it out in the mirror anyway. I looked a mess. My eyes were bloodshot, my make-up trailing down my face, which was red and puffy. _Lovely_.

I reached for my bag which had fallen under the passenger side seat, grabbing the face wipes I kept in there. Normally I used them when I felt hot and sticky from the heat I was unused to. I was glad, they were coming in handy as I attempted to clean myself up. It was a pitiful attempt. My eyes were still red and my face puffy, but at least the mascara trails were gone. I fished up my phone from the floor. The call count had gone up to 13 as well as 3 text messages and one voice mail.

I scrolled through the call list first. 12 were from Joe, one from Kevin. No Nick. The text messages were almost the same, all three from Joe. "Please just answer your phone, He didn't mean it", ect. I left the voice mail. I didn't think I could stand hearing the pity in his voice. I searched on my phone to find out where the heck I was, because honestly, I had no idea. Turned out I hadn't driven that far, only 30 minutes away from home.

But I didn't think I could handle going back their yet. It would be one of the first places they looked for me...if they looked at all. I checked around the area for points of interest and found that I was near Topanga state park. I could use the walk. I started back up the car and headed towards the main entrance. I used to go for long walks all the time, when I needed to clear my head. The town I used to live in was surrounded by nature trails and I loved them. It was something I missed living in the City – the concrete jungle.

Pulling into the parking lot, I grabbed my bag and my phone. I wasn't stupid enough to wander about the woods without it – but set it on silent. I didn't want the constant stream of calls to bother me. I headed into the gift shop and grabbed a bottle of water and a couple power bars for the walk. I hadn't eaten all day, skipping lunch and only having coffee for breakfast. I would need these sooner rather than later.

I set out on the first trail I came to, using a map to plot a round circuit that would take me about an hour to walk. It was nice, the high sun was being shaded by the trees laving not only a cool breeze but a green glow that was soothing. There was various noises all around me, birds chirping, wind whistling through trees, even the sound of a couple of hikers not that far off from me. I walked for ages, lost in my thoughts, though luckily not in the trees. At first I felt sorry for myself. I was always the friend, never the girlfriend. Always. I trudged on in my own self pity till I came to a bench over-looking a river. Sitting down I decided it would be a good time to eat one of the bars.

Why am I feeling sorry for myself, though, I thought. I mean I have Selena...and Joe. They've been good to me so far. So I did have friends. Maybe it was me that was holding back. Maybe I didn't want to fit in with everyone. I mean it was always Joe or Selena that called me to hang out. I wasn't making the effort with those friendships and that's what it would take to keep them. And Nick...well he wasn't exactly the biggest part of my life as it was, just someone I seen occasionally at work and in similar social circles. Sure he was cute – but the guy was being an ass! How dare he say that he didn't want me like I wasn't good enough for him or something. The jerk wasn't good enough for me!

The more I thought the more angry I got. It was an emotion that I hadn't felt in a while and it felt good, powerful. The more I mulled it over, the more I realised I had been a complete pushover the past few weeks. I had barely spoken my mind on...anything, just going along with the flow of things. It wasn't me. I was never the girl who just did as she was told. I was the one who made her own rules, did her own thing. This timid pushover, it just wasn't me.

I felt butterflies in my stomach but they were the good kind. Like a swirling billow of energy. I hadn't felt this good in a long time. I felt free, like I could do anything. _Girl power! _ I thought to myself and even managed a small grin at it. I got up off the bench and continued my walk, feeling more inspired, I power walked the rest of the way back to my car, smiling.

By the time I hit it, I was surprised to see it was almost 6.30pm. It had been almost four hours since the incident. But I was a new person...in theory. I checked my phone before hitting the road, not wanting another repeat. A couple of missed calls more. I ignored them and concentrated on my stomach that was complaining loudly about its lack of food. Pulling out on to the road, I headed for the nearest diner I could find.

The food was surprisingly good considering the place looked a little run down. I had chilli and rice and finished with a slice of cheese cake. I pulled out my phone deciding now to check the message. I couldn't avoid it forever. My hands shook a little as I pulled out the phone. I was nervous, after avoiding them all day, to finally face my humiliation. The call connected into the voice-mail.

"Hey Emma, its Nick", my heart leapt somewhere into my throat, my stomach contracted. It was Joe's caller ID alright but Nick's voice. There was an awkward pause on the line before he finally continued. "Look, could we maybe meet and talk. I hate doing these things over the phone. Bye". And that was it.

I felt a mixture of emotions at once. The first was shock. I really hadn't seen this one coming. This was followed by disbelief. Did he actually think that after today I'd meet up with him to talk? And that was followed rapidly by anger. One, he hadn't sounded the least bit remorseful about what he had said. In fact he was being pretty snippy on the phone. And two, he did not once say he was sorry. Maybe he wasn't. He sounded pretty sure of what he had been saying this afternoon. _Ass!_ I screamed in my head, _arrogant, stupid jackass! _The anger was soon the main emotion I felt again. I had never met one person who I liked but hated so much all at the same time. It was infuriating. I hated him for being able to hold my emotions so much.

I paid the bill and headed out to my car, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed. It had been a long day. As I sat in my car, my phone buzzed again. I decided to answer it this time. I mean Joe technically hadn't done anything wrong, but I was still angry at him. I planned to give him an earful, but was surprised when I noticed the Caller ID. Mrs. Jonas. "Hello?", I said, uncertainly into the phone.

"Oh Emma!", her voice was full of relief. "Are you OK?", she asked. I stared down at my jeans and picked at the tare in them. _Great, she knew_.

I tried to lighten my voice. "I'm perfectly fine. Just headed home just now. I'll call you later to check in, OK?", I said really quickly before hanging up. Sure it was rude, but the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach was returning and I didn't want to go to that place again. I started the car and heading home, as dusk was beginning to settle in.

Pulling on to my street and braked hard. Nick's truck was parked outside my house. I pulled quickly into a space and killed the engine, hoping he hadn't noticed me. My hands shook as I sat still, waiting. After a moment or two, when there was no movement from his car I crept out of mine. I could see him sitting in the drivers seat, playing with his phone. I didn't know what to do. If I went over there, he see me and come out. Sure I wasn't a pushover, but my God I hated confrontations. My emotions were still too raw to be able to stomach it. But I couldn't stay out here all night. I didn't know if he'd leave.

I crouched down, hiding behind the row of cars. I made my decision pretty quickly, creeping as fast as I could, out the street and round the corner. I felt stupid, but it was better than looking embarrassed. In the other street I found the house that had their yard opposite mine. It looked empty as all the lights were out. I just hoped no one else in the street would notice as I walked through the back yard, my heart racing. I reached the wall that blocked off their garden from mine and began to climb it, humming the mission: impossible theme to myself. I felt stupid again as I was incredibly clumsy so it took me a couple attempts to pull myself up and over the wall.

I landed on my grass, grinning away to myself, exhilarated. Fishing my keys out of my pocket, I let myself in the back door. I didn't risk switching any lights on, instead just peering out of the shadows to see that his car was still there. I walked through my rapidly darkening house and changed for bed. The alarm showed it was almost 10.30pm, a relatively early night for me. But as I climbed into bed, exhaustion washed over my and I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

His car was gone when I woke up.


	15. Building Bridges and Mending Hearts

**Building Bridges And Mending Hearts**

I woke up the next day feeling oddly refreshed considering everything I had gone through the day before. My alarm clock read 9:14am, which meant that no one from the studio had called to ask why I wasn't there. I picked up my cell from the side of the bed and called the lot. It was a P.A. that picked up the call. Apparently the power was going to be out all day and they would call me when they knew anything different. I stretched out in bed, wondering what I could do today. It was such an unexpected day off that I had nothing _to do._ I reached for my cell again, this time scrolling through the contacts until I found Selena.

She sounded surprised to hear me when she answered the call. "Are you busy today?", I asked.

"Not really. What's up?".

"I could really use a friend today", was all I had to say before we arranged to meet up for coffee. I decided I wanted to make this friendship work. I had been too distant with people and it wasn't helping me at all. Day one of a new start: ready to go. I dragged myself out of bed and climbed into a cold shower, the water helping to wake me up. Going through the motions, eventually I was ready and on my way out to meet Selena.

She was already sitting at a table when I arrived and we hugged before I sat down. The waitress came over and took our orders before we began to talk. I didn't know exactly where to start, so just launched into it from when the lights went out. I decided to leave out Courtney's little visit...I wasn't sure how much of a jealous ex she'd be.

When I finished, I just sat. It felt good to let it all out, to talk to someone about it. To have a friend. Selena paused for a minute before saying, "So do you still have a crush on Nick?". I shook my head.

"No. I don't think I could like someone who is so the exact opposite of what I wanted". She nodded.

"You know he's not actually too bad a guy", I raised my eyebrow at her. "I mean the only reason we broke up is...we never saw each other enough. Last time I was willing to give up everything for him, follow him everywhere. But this time...the relationship wasn't worth it". She smiled at me.

I sipped my coffee and enjoyed the moment – real talk. Selena hesitated a moment before saying something to me. "You know...honestly...I didn't think you liked me that much". I was surprised. It was one of the last things I had expected her to say...but then again, I myself had realised how little I had put into this.

I bowed my head, "I'm sorry, I know I can be a bit distant sometimes. But I do love hanging out with you. You were the first person I thought to call this morning, to talk about all this. Your like my only friend over here", I finished laughing. Selena joined in and in a moment I felt a bond grow between us.

After coffee we decided to do the ultimate in girl bonding – shopping. We walked out of the café and ran almost directly into Joe and Demi. "Emma!", Joe called out. He walked forward to hug me then stopped, looking unsure. I crossed my arms over my chest, letting him know I wasn't really in the hugging mood. "I've been calling you all day", he said. I pulled my phone out my pocket – sure enough, 6 missed calls. I shrugged,

"Didn't notice". There was an awkward pause as Joe looked at me and Demi and Selena avoided all eye contact.

"Emma, I'm so sor-", Joe started but I cut him off.

"Whatever, Joe. I'm over it", I said coldly. I felt bad treating Joe like this, it wasn't him that said anything after all. But seeing him there reminded me of how I felt yesterday. So it was either act like a bitch or cry. And I had cried enough already. Joe looked at me, concern and hurt welling in his eyes. I sighed deeply and looked at Selena who was checking her phone.

"Um...OK", Joe started, "Well if you want, a group of us are going to go see a movie tonight if you'd like to join. Both of you", he said, looking at Selena. Selena's, face was mirroring my look of reluctance.

"Yeah, I don't think so. Were busy tonight anyway", I said. Demi looked sceptical.

"Really? What are you guys doing?", she asked, rather snippy.

"Bowling. Although I don't see why that's any of your concern", Selena retorted. I had to admire how fast Selena was, but I was beginning to grow worried about how Demi was looking at Selena. I unconsciously shifted my body so I was standing half in front of Selena...just in case. Joe cleared his throat.

"OK, well I'll see you later then", Joe said glancing at me again. He looked pained and I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. Selena and I continued going one way, Joe and Demi the other. I was left feeling confused. I would call Joe tonight, to talk it out. It wasn't his fault – he shouldn't be punished for it. But right now, I wanted to concentrate on spending time with Selena.

We decided that it would actually be fun to go bowling that night, so she called up a few friends and arranged to meet at 7pm. We both headed home at 5, giving ourselves a little bit of time to change and freshen up before tonight. I pulled my car into my drive and parked in a space in front of my house, smiling – a first in a while. I locked my door and was half way up my garden when I saw him.

He was sitting on the steps leading up to my door, his hands clasped in his lap, staring right at me. I stopped dead, my legs trembling. Half of me – well, more than half – wanted to turn around and climb back into my car. Yes, it would look incredibly immature, but I was OK with that. The more I stood in one place debating, the stupider I felt. I mean this was my house after all, how dare he make me feel like I couldn't go into it.

"Hello Emma", he said softly, standing up.

"Nicholas", I said nodding to him.

Well it would look really stupid to turn around and leave now, so instead I concentrated on finding my keys out of my purse, walking towards my door. Towards him. Getting the keys was a lot harder than I imagined. I was very conscious of him watching every move I made, his gaze didn't falter from me once. The slow blush rose on my cheeks and my hands began to tremble. I took a few deep breaths to steady myself as I walked up past him.

He reached out and grabbed my arm. I thought I would faint. I looked up at him, into those deep brown eyes and lost every conscious thought I had ever had. I couldn't remember what I was doing 2 seconds before or why I was angry at him. Hell – I could barely remember my name. I was only aware of three things. The heat from his hand on my bare arm. The look of remorse on his face. And a dull ache that had slowly spread across my chest. I don't know how long we stood there like that, his hand holding me in position, his gaze never letting me go. My mind was a mess. Or worse, it was blank. The only thoughts I had were ones of him. And I wasn't in a hurry to change that.

His phone rang causing us both to jump. As he reached for it, finally letting me go, I grabbed my keys and unlocked the door. I debated whether or not to close it behind me, but decided on leaving it open. He would probably just come in anyway. I set my bag down on the coffee table at the side of my door and turned back to Nick, who was still outside, talking on his phone. I couple of minutes later and he turned to me. I was sensible enough this time not to look at his eyes. Instead I focused on his lips.

"Can I come in?", he asked, quietly. I shook my head.

"No". It came out more childish than I had expected but he didn't seem to notice. Nick stuffed his hands in his pockets, staring down at the ground. He looked...shy? No that couldn't be right. For some reason I found this revelation particularly amusing. I fought back a grin, biting the inside of my cheek. I bowed my head down, letting my hair cover my face, hiding the losing battle I was fighting with my grin. Nick shuffled his feet and I wanted to burst out laughing. Nick Jonas...embarrassed? Wow, this was too much. I cleared my throat, all anger disappeared from my body. "It's fine Nick, I'm over it".

And I was. When I told Joe the same thing, less than a few hours ago, I had been filled with anger but now? He looked up at me and continued to stare until finally I made eye contact.

I had always been taught it was rude to stare, but I couldn't break this gaze...again. A strand of hair fell down across my face and Nick pulled his hand out of his pocket and reached across towards me. My heart beat rapidly in my chest. I quickly stepped back, tucking the strand behind my ear myself, looking over Nicks shoulder, at my car, a frown forming on my face. No. I wouldn't let him treat me like crap one day then be...weird the next. I didn't play those kind of games. I saw Nick nod his head slowly, biting his lip.

"Um..look I really got to go get ready for tonight", I said to him, not wanting to stand here any longer. He nodded again.

"No sure. Sorry to have taken up so much of your time", he said sounding genuine. He turned and walked off, heading to his car that was parked down the street. I hadn't noticed it when I came in. Closing over the door I leaned against it. After a moment I slowly felt myself sliding down it, until I was sat on the floor. I turned my face against the cool door, not realising how hot it had become. I let out a deep sigh, trying to dispel some of the tension across my chest.

_What the hell was that?_


	16. Brave New World

**Brave New World**

Bowling was fun. I hadn't remembered a time when I had laughed so hard or so loudly. My score barely reached 100 but I didn't mind, I was surrounded by good friends and great people. Selena had invited a few and in turn so had they, so it ended up being 12 of us, 6 to a lane. I was really enjoying making a fool out of myself.

Countless orders of fries were brought over at various times, followed by an endless stream of soda. A jukebox on the wall must have had close on $20 fed into it during the night – and considering it was 25c a song...well, there was a lot of music being played. I met a couple of Selena's co-stars as well – David Henrie and Jennifer Stone. They were so sweet and really funny. By the time I left, my ribs were hurting from laughing and I couldn't stop grinning. The car ride home seemed a short one in which I blared music and even danced along at a few red lights. The other cars found this almost as amusing as I did. I was elated and didn't want to come down from my happy buzz.

I pulled into my street and parked in front of my house. It was a sad, depressing wee thing. It didn't feel like home at all. I wasn't comfortable in it. I sighed. I was stuck here for the meanwhile, but made a mental note to keep my eye out for any other nearby properties. I procrastinated about the house a little while longer, doing dished, putting on a load of laundry, until I had nothing else to do.

I sat down on my couch and called Joe, nervously playing with the sleeve of the jumper I was wearing. But the call went straight to voice mail, so I left a quick message asking him to call me back when he got a moment. I had forgotten that he was at the movies. I settled back on the couch and flicked through my TV until I came across a show I vaguely recognised. I must have slipped off to sleep at some point, because I woke up with a start when someone knocked on my door. 11.02pm.

I frowned. Who on earth would come over at this time. I cautiously went to my door, and opened it slowly. It was Joe. I sighed and flung the door open wider. Nick and Demi stood with him. "What's up?", I asked. Nick looked distant and Demi unhappy.

Joe looked at me, "Sorry, I got your call and I thought...are you OK?", he asked. I frowned again.

"Of course. I was just calling to...talk", I said, uncomfortable with the audience. I hadn't expected to have this conversation in front of other people.

"What do you wanna talk about?", he asked. I hesitated a moment.

"Do you want to come in?", I asked, standing back from the door, holding it open. Joe walked forward and went straight to the living room. Demi hesitated for a moment before following. Nick was the last one to come in. It was a bit strange considering I had told him earlier that he couldn't come in. They sat awkwardly around on the various couches and chairs while I hoovered by the door. "Anyone want something to drink. I have iced-tea?", I asked. They all said yes and I headed through to the kitchen. After a moment, Joe followed through.

"So....", he started. I turned to him, leaning against the counter.

"I'm sorry", we both said at the same time, followed by laughing. "I'm so sorry Joe", I continued, "It wasn't your fault and I had no right to take it out on you. I was just so angry and you kind of got in the way of that". He nodded.

"I's sorry too. I shouldn't have been talking about you behind your back like that. Friends?", he asked, giving me a puppy dog look. I nodded, smiling again. "Lets hug it out", he said walking towards me. I moved away.

"No hugs". Joe continued to walk towards me.

"Come on! Give me a hug", he said chasing me around the kitchen, until finally he cornered me. I gave in and hugged him back eventually, still giggling away, when someone cleared their throat. We both turned at the same time to see Demi standing in the doorway.

"I came to see if you needed a hand", she said, her eyes zeroing in on me. I quickly stepped away from Joe, grabbing the pitcher of tea. Joe grabbed four glasses out of my cupboards and we all headed back through into the living room.

Nick kept his eyes fixed on the TV as we walked into the room. I thought this was a little strange, as most people would look up. It was clear he was still feeling weird. Fine, I thought to myself, if he wants to ignore me, then I could ignore him as well. I turned my attention to the TV zoning out Joe and Demi who were getting increasingly closer on the couch, making me feel more and more awkward.

I glanced over at Nick, who's gazed flicked from me, back to the television. I stared down at the floor, confused. My God I hated men! Why did they never say what they were thinking or feeling. Why did they have to play those games? Nicks phone went off. "It's Mom", he said to Joe. "Hey. No we stopped off at Emma's on the way home. Yes, Emma. No I'll head home in a minute. OK, Bye, love you", and he hung up.

Joe got up off the couch and turned to me. "I guess that's our cue to go", he said leaning in to hug me. I hugged him very briefly before letting him go. Demi turned to me next and surprisingly, hugged me as well. I walked with them both to the door, Nick trailing behind. I opened the door for them, Nick the last one to leave. He barely glanced at me mumbling something that may have been a good bye before leaving. I shut the door and wandered back into the living room.

Glancing at the clock I saw it was close on midnight. That meant it would be 8am back home – far to early to call anyone. Instead I sent an email to one of my closest friends asking her if she would be free tonight to talk. I would get her email when I woke back up in the morning and arrange a time then.

I shut down my laptop and headed off to bed. I was up at 6am tomorrow for work and if I left it any latter there was no way I was going to get up in the morning. I headed off to bed.

While lying back, I received a text. _Nick._ 'I hope things won't always be so strained between us'. What and that was my fault? I text him back. 'Bite me'.

Smiling away in the dark, I soon fell off to sleep.


	17. Suddenly Everything Has Changed

**Suddenly Everything Has Changed**

I woke up and the first thing I did – well the second, after putting on a pot of coffee – was check my e-mails. Sure enough, there was one from Hayley. She said to call her at 10pm her time – 2pm mine. That would probably work out, as I should be on a lunch break. Holding the coffee, I retreated into the living room to watch the sunrise. I knew I was wasting time, hoping I'd postpone work as much as possible. When there was nothing else for it, I grabbed a relatively quick shower, putting on the first dress I came to and headed out the door. I decided to just comb my hair and let it dry naturally as I had ran out of time. They would be able to sort it at work.

For LA it was cold, which surprised me that I was noticing the changes in temperature, considering it was 10 degrees Celsius warmer here than back home. The weak sunlight hit my car, warming it nicely. I flipped the radio on and sung along to various songs that were being played. All of this combined led to me being in a very good mood by the time I hit work. I grabbed my bag from the car and strolled through the lot, down to my dressing room. Checking my phone I didn't even notice Nick walk out of his dressing room, until the cup of coffee he was carrying was down the front of my dress.

I let out a scream of pain, dropping my bag, trying to pull the dress off my skin. "Ahh! Oh My God!". Several people came rushing over at once, shouting things like "are you OK?". My answer was a snappy, "Yes, I'm just peachy! I rather enjoy having hot drinks thrown at me first thing in the morning". A P.A. helped me to my room, while Nick just looked gob smacked. 'Great', I thought, 'Of course it had to be him'. Closing the door behind me, Lorraine, the P.A. ran off to grab an ice-pack for the burn I could feel rising on my stomach.

I stripped the dress off as carefully as I could, inspecting the burn. An angry red mark had risen across my stomach and was threatening to blister. I heard the door open and spun round to get the ice-pack off Lorraine but was frozen to the stop when I saw who was standing there.

Nick held the bag that I had dropped in the hallway in his hand. I stood, one hand across my stomach, the other hanging loosely by my side, in nothing but my underwear. Of all the thoughts that could come into my head the first was, 'At least my underwear matches'. I watched as his eyes grazed my body up and down, a fire burning in them. They finally settled on the spot where my hand rested. He made a move to walk over, when Lorraine returned, pushing past him, handing me the ice pack. She inspected the burn, making sure there wasn't too much damage. By the time I looked back up Nick had left, my bag placed in the doorway.

After ten minutes of holding the ice pack, I changed back into the blue silk dress and went out to finish the dance scene we had started a few days before. How much had changed since then. I wandered over to the set and prepared for the scene. I decided the best way to get through this was to pretend he wasn't there. Just imagine it was someone else instead of the boy who had humiliated me in front of everyone I stood in a room with now. Easier said than done – but I was good at blanking people.

Nick walked over to me, his eyes showing no recollection of what had happened half an hour before. Fine...two can play at this game. He took my hand and lead my to our spot on the floor, marked with a yellow taped 'x'. "I'm so sorry for earlier", he said, taking my hand and getting into position, "I really didn't mean it". I looked at him.

"I should hope not. I'd be a little worried if you purposely went around maiming people with hot drinks". He let out a small chuckle and I found myself smiling. It wasn't often Nick laughed. It was nice.

'Easy', my brain warned me, 'the guy is still a world class jerk, remember'. I quickly rearranged my smile so my black face showed no emotion and waited for the scene to begin. We started to dance as Joe and Chelsea shared a scene. We were free to talk quietly amongst ourselves in the background, while we waited for out turn to film, but both me and Nick danced in silence. My mind wandered over various things, like my phone call later with Hayley right down to what I would have for dinner tonight. Eventually I ran out of things to think about.

"So, what", I said suddenly, "Are we just going to stand here in silence for half an hour". Nick just looked at me, his mind obviously other places. "You might say something about how nice I look in this dress. Or compliment me on my superior dancing skills", I said, grinning slightly. Nick looked taken aback. It took me a moment to realise why he was looking uncomfortable the way he was.

"Oh _please_, Nick", I started, over emphasising my disgust, "I was just joking. I'm not suddenly expecting you to fall madly in love with me just cause you caught me standing in my knickers". He blushed a deep red and I sighed, letting any more attempt at conversation go. It was like talking to a brick wall.

Eventually our scene came and we went over the lines, neither of us breaking character. He was a perfectionist and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of being able to point out my flaws. We finished the scene and I went over to phone Hayley, just being a little after 2.

"Hiya", she answered excitedly. I smiled, putting her on speaker phone so I could eat my lunch at the same time.

"Hi yourself! How are you?", I asked and she went into a big long rant about the crappy day she had had, finishing up with a rather amusing story about her younger sister stealing her can of soda.

"So I was sitting on the school bus", she continued, "And my sister pulls out the can of soda and starts drinking it! So I burst into tears and was like, you bitch! She was like, chill, I'll get you another one! And I was still crying, going, But I wanted THAT one. That was _my_ one!". I was laughing so hard I couldn't eat my food, grabbing onto my side – which was stinging from the pressure of laughing. People were beginning to stare the more hyper we got, until all three of the boys sat down at the table I was sitting at alone. It made me a bit uncomfortable and I wondered why they had even come across at all.

"Oh Hayles, that's hilarious! I can't believe you burst into tears", I said, the tears already streaming down my own face. She laughed along with me.

"Yeah, it was worse because most people don't know about the pregnancy, so they thought I was just crying over the soda!". I laughed but it came out awkwardly. The raised eyebrows from the boys hadn't escaped my notice. Hayley told me a few weeks ago that she was pregnant – again. I supported her as a friend but at the same time...

"Yeah, must have been bad", I said trying to lighten the mood. I tried to rapidly change the subject by telling her about the coffee incident.

"What a dick!", She shouted, when I had finished. I grinned, Nick sitting across the table from me could have had no way of not hearing that. "Bet you he bloody did it on purpose. I mean after last time, you spent like an hour crying down the phone -", I all of a sudden came across in a coughing fit, trying to block out them being able to hear it. I didn't want them to know how deeply it had hurt me. I continued staring down at the phone and my food not wanting to meet the gazes I felt watching me. It was almost a relief when we ended our conversation and I could get up from the table to clear my plate. I didn't want to talk to them.

After lunch we finished a few touch up's on the scene and I was free for the rest of the afternoon. I quickly changed and headed out, needing to pick up few groceries before I went home. I was heading out to my car when I heard someone shouting me. I opened the car door, slowly letting them catch up to me before I left. Nick slowly jogged over to the spot where I stood. "Um...a few of us are going to go bowling tonight. We were wondering if you wanted to join?", he said, staring over my shoulder like he had other places to be. It made me angry – after all, he had come after me!

"No, I don't think so", I said, turning to climb in my car. Nick kicked the dirt under his feet.

"What, you got plans or something?", he asked. I turned and looked a him over my shoulder.

"No. I just don't want to hang out with you". I closed my door and started the car, catching the hurt look on Nicks face. Katy Perry's song 'Hot and Cold' came on the radio as I drove off.

_How ironic._


	18. The Turning Point

**The Turning Point **

We were all sat in a conference room at the studios. Mr. Jonas and Paul were deep in discussion, while we all sat mystified as to why this meeting had been called. I stared out the window, not really talking to anyone. Or rather they weren't talking to me. Everyone seemed to think I was being to harsh on Nick. He hadn't even attempted to talk to me since last week, when he asked me to go bowling. I was beyond caring now, slipping further and further down into my own little cocoon.

"Good news kids", Paul said, finally turning to us, "We've just finalised plans for a New York promo tour all next week!", he said excitedly. Everyone else smiled and started talking amongst themselves. I however, looked horrified. This would mean I couldn't escape any of them for...a whole week!

"Um...do we all have to go?", I asked quietly. The room went silent. Paul just looked at me sadly.

"Yes, especially you. Your one of the main interests considering no one knows anything about you". Paul continued to look at me, concern welling in his eyes. I nodded slowly and looked down at the table. "Right so it's settled then, next week New York!".

We were sat in the airport, me, the three Jonas', Chelsea and Nicole. I was staring at the window, my nerves rapidly increasing. I had barely slept at all last night. I hated flying. More than that, I was scared of it. My leg bounced up and down nervously as I clasped my hands tightly together. I was getting bad pains across my chest, and felt like I couldn't breathe. I tried taking a few deep breaths to calm myself but it wasn't happening. I glanced at the clock and saw we only had 10 minutes till boarding time. The pains in my chest increased greatly.

Joe walked over and sat down next to me. "You OK?". I just nodded afraid to speak, knowing it would come out somewhere in the region of a hysterical squeak. Joe rubbed my back comfortingly, which was a nice distraction but not an effective one, as the announcer called for us to board. I stood up slowly, holding tightly onto my bag. Joe went off to get his, leaving me alone to walk forward.

I felt like it was a death march and I trailed behind everyone else. The plane loomed closer as we walked down the in closed tunnel towards the plane. I'll admit that seeing first class did take my mind off the flying part of the plane...for a moment. I had never been in first class before and was surprised at how big it seemed.

By the time I was ready to take a seat the only one left was next to Nick. I couldn't help feeling that they had done this on purpose but for the moment couldn't care. I made a mental note to shout at Joe later. I slid down in the seat tightening my seatbelt as much as it would go and tried to relax. I could feel Nick watching me but I didn't care, just continued to take deep breaths to calm myself. The plane started taxiing up the run way and I freaked out. No matter how many deep breaths I took now I could shake the hysteria that was setting in over me.

As the plane picked up speed I felt it lift off from the ground, pinning me back in my seat. I closed my eyes and reached out to grab the arm rest, instead connecting with Nicks hand that was sat there. I grabbed tightly onto it and he responded by clasping mine back. I felt faint and dizzy. I really hated flying!

I felt the plane level out a bit and relaxed slowly, leaving opening my eyes till last. When I did, I was looking down at my hand, still in Nicks. He was rubbing his thumb slowly across the back of it in a comforting way. The butterflies I had in my stomach now were not because of the flying. I left my hand in his a lot longer than I should have, enjoying the moment.

I finally looked up at him and mumbled a thanks, sliding my hand out of his at the same time. He smiled.

"No problem. Nervous flyer?". I smiled.

"Just the taking off bit. I'm usually alright for the rest of it". I glanced around the rest of the plane. No one else seemed to have noticed what had just went on. Good, it would be easier that way. I unbuckled the belt and got up to stretch my legs. They were seriously cramped after tensing them up for the past hour. I was amused at the bar in the middle of the first class section and sat on one of the stools surrounding it. After asking for a water, which I sipped gratefully, I looked over at what everyone else was doing. Chelsea and Nicole were talking away and both Kevin and Joe were using their laptops. No doubt talking to their significant others. I rolled my eyes. That left me to either attempt more conversation with Nick or sit by myself.

I was relieved when the flight attendant announced the movie was about to begin. I went back down into my seat and plugged in the head phones. I didn't care how crap the film was going to be – I was watching it!

When the opening titles appeared, I became more than a little excited. The Goonies! One of my all time favourite films. Well, at least someone somewhere was trying to make up for the crappy day I had had so far. I blocked out the rest of the plane and settled down into my seat to watch the film. After a while I found myself dozing slowly off to sleep, fighting against my heavy eyes, I eventually lost and slept peacefully for the rest of the flight.

"Attention all passengers, we will shortly be arriving in JFK airport, New York, New York", The voice woke me up from my sleep and I stretched out. I was lying at an extremely strange angle and it took me a while to realise that I was lying curled up on my chair with my head on Nicks shoulder. He had his arm wrapped around my back and was staring out the window. _Great_. As I moved to sit up, He turned around to look at me.

"Sleep well?", I nodded, still trying to wake up properly. He had left his arm wrapped around me, waiting until the 'fasten seatbelts' sign flashed over head to remove it. Something out the window caught my eye and I leaned over Nick to look out. "Amazing isn't it?", he said. I nodded, looking down on the city.

_New York!_


	19. So, Good Talk

**So...Good Talk**

We were stuck in traffic on the way to the hotel but I didn't mind. It was amazing being able to look out the car window and see all of New York rolling by. It was so busy, full of life and energy. I wanted to open the car door and walk along with everyone else. We probably would have gotten to the hotel quicker that way. It was a nice afternoon and the jet lag hadn't quite hit me yet.

I was in the back seat with Frankie and Nick. Mrs Jonas, Danielle and Frankie were all in New Jersey, so had come out to the airport to meet us. The rest of the group were separated through out different cars. I leaned forward, impatient to move. Frankie, who was sandwiched in between me and Nick, looked up. "What's wrong?", he asked, his eyes full of concern the family pulled off so well. I smiled at him.

"Nothing. I just want to get out and stretch my legs", I said to him. He nodded and went back to playing his video game.

The traffic crawled along at a ridiculous pace but we reached the hotel. It was like no hotel I'd ever stayed in before. I looked up in awe as the driver helped to bring out bags out the car. I went to get mine but found Nick already had the duffel bag slung over his shoulder and was walking towards the hotel. I grabbed onto Frankie's hand as we walked through the small crowd that had gathered outside it. Cameras were flashing off every couple of seconds. I pulled Frankie in closer to me, not wanting to lose him. It was crazy – exactly the sort of scene I worked hard avoiding. When we were finally in the hotel I walked over to the check-in desk to stand with the others who were already here. Mrs Jonas smiled at me then looked down at my hand that was still holding Frankie's. I let go quickly, not wanting to seem too overbearing. Instead, Mrs Jonas pulled me into a hug.

"Hey sweetie, how are you?", she said smiling.

"I'm good", was the slightly awkward reply she got from me. We stood back and waited for our rooms to be assigned. I would be sharing a suite with Chelsea and Nicole; Nick and Joe were sharing. Mr. and Mrs Jonas and Frankie were in another and Kevin and Danielle had their own room. _One big happy family_. We headed off to the elevators – everyone found it amusing when I referred to it as a lift, my Britishness sticking out like a sore thumb – and up to our rooms.

I stopped outside mine, turning to Nick to grab my bag off him. He'd insisted, much to my embarrassment, to carry it all the way up. As I reached for the strap, our hands grazed and the bag ended up lying on the floor. Everyone watched the little awkward exchange and there was even a shared look in between his parents. I wanted a big black hole to just come swallow me up as I leaned down for the bag. I bowed my head and let my hair fall forward over my face, so no one could see the red rise up into it. The door to our room was finally open and I virtually ran inside to get away from everyone. This was going to be one very long week.

After everyone had claimed various rooms and settled in, we had 4 hours before we planned to go out for a meal. Chelsea settled down on the phone with her boyfriend and Nicole curled up on the couch with a book, both to tired to want to do anything. I on the other hand wanted to explore. It was my first proper stay in New York, other than one night I had spent, before travelling on somewhere else and I hadn't gotten to do any of the touristy things.

I grabbed a cardigan and headed out the door. It was a nice enough day to walk about, so I planned to do just that. I got a rough guide for where Central Park was and headed down the corridor.

"Hey, where you going?". I turned to see Nick walking out of his room. I shrugged at him.

"Just for a walk". He looked at me, sceptical.

"Alone?". _No shit, Sherlock. _

"Yes, _alone", _ I said, getting a bit irritated. I didn't have much free time this week and he was wasting some of it.

"I'll come with you", he said opening back up the door to his room. I stood, shocked. He hadn't asked to come with me, he had _told _me. I hated when he pulled the 'I'm the man, so I'm in charge' crap.

"I'm fine, Nick", I said heading back towards the elevators. With any luck I could out run him. I pressed the button for the doors to open several times, willing it to hurry up. After a moment or two the doors opened and I stepped inside. I pressed the lobby button and waited for the doors to close, tapping my foot impatiently. Nick walked out his room, jacket in hand, and down towards the elevators. He got in just before the door shut.

"Nice try", he grinned at me. I sighed in annoyance and turned my face away from him. I was wanting this time alone to think. I hadn't been properly alone in a while. With the craziness that was Los Angeles, you were never really alone. Here it was a city of 2 million people all too concerned with their own problems to notice yours. I liked it like that.

We got down into the lobby and headed for the doors. We were half way towards them when Nick grabbed my hand. I turned to shout at him but noticed he was looking at the doors, with a frown on his face. There was 5 men waiting outside with cameras. I stopped as well. I didn't want to be followed about all day by those guys. Nick pulled me over to the front desk and asked was there a back door we could go out instead. The receptionist kindly led us over and we headed out into an alleyway behind the hotel. I quickly pulled my hand out of his and stuffed it in my jeans pocket.

We walked out onto the busy street and it was refreshing to have no one stare at you or follow you with a camera. I smiled.

Nick insisted that we get coffee before going anywhere. He was too used to the Californian sunshine and was feeling the cold a little bit. We stopped into the first Starbucks we came to and waited in the short queue. I starred around at the store, comfortable in the silence that me and Nick stood in. I wasn't much of a talker anyway. We got to the counter and I was about to place my order when Nick butted in. "I'll have one venti hazelnut cappuccino and one venti caramel latte with an extra shot". I stared at him as he handed over his card to pay for them. It took him a moment to notice the cross look on my face. "What?".

"So I'm not allowed to order my own stuff now?", I burst out angrily. He looked surprised.

"I'm sorry, were you wanting something else?", he asked. I shook my head.

"No but-",

"Well if that's what you were going to order anyway, can you not just say thank you and drink the coffee?", he said, holding the drink out to me. I took it off him – snatched more than anything.

"Thanks", I said and stormed out the shop. Nick hurried to catch up with me but I kept walking on in silence, hoping if I ignored him long enough he would just go away. I was tempted to just dump the coffee in the trash but it smelled too good, so I sipped on it grudgingly. We walked on for several blocks in silence and I wondered if this was how the whole day was going to go.

I relaxed a little as we got into the park, the green glow seeming to calm my nerves. "How do you even know what I drink anyway? I mean, you got it perfect, right down to the extra shot", I asked him suddenly. He shrugged.

"You always have that". We walked on again in silence. This was not the relaxing afternoon I had planned. After almost 10 minutes of this, he turned to me again, with some anger in his voice. "You know, I really don't get you. One minute you fine when I'm carrying your bags, but the next when I'm getting you coffee you freak out. What is with that?", he looked at me. I at first thought it was some sort of dig, a rhetorical question, but when he continued to stare, I realised it was a genuine question.

I struggled for a moment, before answering him. "You never asked. I don't like when people just presume something about me. You could have at least _checked _ that was what I wanted before ordering", I said. He nodded but still didn't look fully convinced. In truth, I didn't know why I freaked out. It _was_ nice of him to get me the coffee and it was what I always ordered. I had myself confused.

We finished the drinks and binned the cups. The pond wasn't far from where we were, so we decided to head towards that. We talked about random things while we walked. The weather, work, friends, keeping the subjects light and non-personal. Well that's what I was trying to do. Nick on the other hand...

"So your friends pregnant?", he asked. I nodded. That meant he had heard the phone call. I wondered if this was a dig at something else. "How old is she?". I felt my guard rising when he asked that.

"18. _Why_?", I felt the warning in the tone of my voice. I was very protective of my friends – and my soon to be God-son. I would rip this boy to shreds if he said anything. But he just shrugged and let it go. "My sister is pregnant as well", I blurted out suddenly. I wasn't quite sure why but it felt nice to tell someone about my other life – the normal one.

"Yeah? How far along is she?". Nick looked relieved somehow. I wondered why.

"Um...", I wasn't actually sure. "She's due at the end of August", I said instead. I felt a lump welling in my throat speaking about my family. It had been a while since I'd talked to them, ages since I'd actually seen them. My older sister was pregnant with her first baby and I was missing it. My younger sister was leaving school soon and I was missing it. I was missing my parents – even my cats. We reached the pond and sat down on an empty bench. Nick put his arm around my shoulder and rubbed my arm.

"Hey. You OK?". The thick concern in his voice set me off. I burst into tears, letting go of another build up of tension. Its all I felt like I did over here – cry. It was pathetic. I buried my face in my hands, wanting him to just go away. I felt vulnerable and exposed and t wasn't something I wanted anyone to see. Especially him. I tried to pull away from him but he just pulled me tighter to him, until finally I rest my head on his shoulder, sliding my arms around him, under his jacket. He whispered comforting words into my ear, running his hand up and down my back.

After the tears subsided, I didn't want to let go. Instead I kept my face buried in towards his neck, my arms wrapped around him. It was quite an uncomfortable position to be sitting in but I would have stayed like this forever.

I could smell the aftershave he used off him, the heat burning of his neck that was only inches away from my face. As his hand began to move slower and slower up and down my back, I felt something shift between us. No, not _that_, more of an energy. Our relationship had changed in a moment. I fought the overwhelming urge to lean forward and kiss his neck, instead leaning back altogether. He looked down at me, his eyes full of – concern, but more than that. More protective than anything. "I'm fine", I whispered, breaking the moment.

"You want to talk about it?". I went into the whole story How I felt alone and so detached from everything and everyone. I had never felt more alone in my life and I hated it. It was the worst feeling I had ever experienced and I couldn't handle it much longer. He continued to stare at me while I garbled on, still rubbing his hand up and down my back. I was very conscious of the moments when my t-shirt rose and his hand connected with my back. I became tongue-tied in those moments.

After that we just sat, neither of us feeling the need to say anything, just enjoying the company. I hoped my face didn't look too red and puffy. It was one thing breaking down in front of one member of this family, quite another to walk into a room full of them. The love from them was overwhelming sometimes.

Mr Jonas eventually called to tell us to get our butts back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. It surprised me to discover we had been out for almost 3 hours already. It had been a short time to me and I hoped I would have enough time to get ready for tonight. Suddenly I felt the need to impress people in the company and I wasn't entirely sure I liked the feeling.

We got up off the bench and headed back to the hotel slowly. I wanted to remember every minute I spent with this boy.


	20. To Wish Impossible Things

**To Wish Impossible Things**

As we approached the hotel, the camera went off like crazy. I was half blinded with all the flashes. Nick guided me into the hotel, briefly waving at a few of them but not stopping to say anything. We headed up in the elevator and Nick walked me to my room door, squeezing my arm before walking away.

I was still in something of a daze when I entered the room. Chelsea and Nicole were half way ready throwing stuff about the suite as they chose what to wear. I rummaged through the minimal amount that I had packed and realised nothing would suit a formal dinner. Everything I had was very casual – jeans and t-shirts mostly. I looked around my room hopelessly until Nicole came over to take pity on me. "Here", she said holding out a black dress, "try this one". I smiled at her and accepted it gracefully. I wandered back into my room to try it on.

Me and Nicole were about the same size, so it fit pretty well. It was black cotton, but across the bust was a dark blue. It was beautiful. Chelsea knocked on my door and came in holding a pair of heels. "These are about your size, right?". After that the girls took free range over my appearance. They curled my hair and did my make-up and we defiantly had some sort of girly bonding moment. It was nice. It felt like I was finally being accepted into their little club.

There was a knock at the door and all three of us grabbed shawls/cardigans and our purses and headed out. Everyone else was already in the hall, we were the last people to be ready. We headed down towards the elevators, all ten of us – and crammed into the lift together. It was a tight fit. "You all look very lovely tonight", Mr Jonas said, looking at us with some difficulty. I felt a pair of eyes on my back and turned around to see Nick staring at me. I blushed and looked down at the floor, a small grin creeping across my face.

We left the hotel and climbed into a couple of cars that were waiting for us and headed off to the restaurant. I was in a car with Kevin and Danielle. I hadn't really talked much to Danielle over the course of me knowing her. But she seemed really sweet – and very pretty. Honestly I was I little bit intimidated by her. I was surprised when she turned to me and said, "That's a really pretty dress your wearing". I smiled at her.

"Thanks, but it's Nicole's. I'm not really a dress person", I laughed. She smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, you'll soon find out I guess that being with this family means packing for every type of situation". I looked at her confused.

"Um...why will I soon find out?", I asked, frowning slightly. She just smiled and Kevin laughed a little. I wondered what she was implying, clearly Kevin was in on this joke. I stared out the window, watching the city pass by. It was beautiful all lit up at night. We pulled up to the restaurant and a valet opened the door for me, helping me out of the car. I stood uncomfortably on the street until Kevin got out and led the way into the restaurant. We were the first ones in. I gazed about the place as we waited for the others. It was almost 7pm so it was still packed with the dinner time rush.

When the others arrived we were taken over to our seats, at a big round booth. The high backed seat guarded the view of us which was nice. The only bad thing was if anyone needed the bathroom everyone else would have to get up to let them out. I shuffled round in the seat till I was almost in the middle. I didn't know how much of a coincidence it was that Nick ended up seated next to me, as everyone was grinning at us as we had to shuffle closer to each other.

Menus were handed round and I stared at a list of things I was almost positive I would never eat. I could never understand why people insisted on paying a ton of money for things that had small portions covered with funny sauce. I finally found something that seemed edible – pork fillet stuffed with caramelised onion wrapped in pancetta. I was being brave, although I would probably pick the pancetta off.

After drinks were ordered we all sat back and talked. It was more fun this time than the last, everyone talking at once so I didn't feel like the center of attention. I sat back and listened to funny tales from the Jonas childhood, grinning away at the banter. As I listened, Nick tuned to me and whispered softly, "You feeling better". I glanced at him and noticed he was playing with his fork on the table, not looking at me. Almost as if he was trying to have a conversation as subtly as possible. I was grateful, not wanting the rest of the family to know about my break down earlier. I nodded slowly.

"Much, thank you. For this afternoon I mean. I'm sorry you had to sit with me through that", I whispered back.

"I'm not", Nick said, just before the meals were placed on the table, effectively ending our conversation. I picked carefully at the dish but was surprised how good it tasted. Not the best thing I'd ever eaten – I still preferred a good take-away – but defiantly more than edible. I mulled over Nick's comment, unsure what he meant. Was he glad I had a break down? Like happy I wasn't. But that seemed too mean. I decided he must of meant he was happy I was showing some sort of emotion, which I wasn't sure I like either.

I was still contemplating the though when I felt Nick's leg lean against mine. My mind went into shut down. "Um...Emma, what are you doing?", I glanced up to see the table watching me. I had stopped with my fork halfway to my mouth, the food suspended in mid-air. I cleared my throat.

"Nothing. I- I just...think", _lie god-damn it!_ "Um..I think we left the curling irons on", I said, turning to Nicole. Lucky for me she picked up on my look automatically.

"No, its fine. You did but I unplugged them", she smiled at me. I nodded and finished eating the food that was on the fork. I waited a few minutes before stealing a glance at Nick, whose leg was still firmly placed against mine. He was watching me carefully, waiting to judge my reaction. I just went back to eating the meal, trying to ignore the heat I felt through my dress or the peculiar feeling rising in the pit of my stomach.

I struggled to finish the meal, feeling full. I had barely eaten 2/3 of it but couldn't eat another bite. Apparently my stomach had shrunk through my lack of eating lately. I placed my cutlery on the plate and leaned back in the seat, sipping my coke. Our plates were cleared and we were asked if we wanted desert. I was one of the few that declined. Actually it was just me and Joe that opted out. He was on some weird healthy eating thing that started 2 years ago and never stopped. I watched as everyone demolished their deserts, listening to various parts of conversations that were going on.

We finished up and headed out, waiting for the cars outside. I made the mistake of shivering slightly, just once and before I knew it a jacket had been placed around my shoulders. I turned to see Nick standing behind me, a small smile on his face. I turned back round, slipping my arms into the coat. It was still warm.

We got back into the cars in the same order we arrived in and I settled down into the seat, skidding my hands into the coat pocket. It was a black hooded jumper I didn't see Nick wearing that often but it was comfortable. I could smell Nick off the jumper an my heart raced ever so slightly.

The car ride back was quicker as the traffic had died down slightly – well by New York standards anyway. I went directly up to my room, not stopping for anyone in an almost daze. I was curled up on the couch when Chelsea and Nicole walked in. They ran over to me and started talking at once.

"Details!".

"Yeah and don't hold out on us. We saw the looks".

"And the whole jumper thing – too cute". I smiled and picked up the remote.

"Hey, who wants to watch a movie?", I asked. I was quite content to keep the details to myself for now, not wanting to over analyse anything for a change. I lay back watching the TV, my hands still in the sweater pockets and smiled.


	21. Wait, What?

**Wait – What?**

I woke up the next morning with a smile already on my face. I stretched out underneath the blankets on my bed then curled onto my side to look at my phone. 8.15am? I never woke up this early without an alarm. We were doing a lot of interviews all day today, so I didn't have to look amazing. Just had to wake up enough to answer some questions on radio shows. _Fun!_

I slid out of bed and headed in the general direction of the shower, turning the temperature way up and sliding under the water. It was nice being able to take a hot shower for a change. It was a pretty miserable day in the city and I was glad we were spending most of it indoors. I wrapped a towel around myself and wandered out the bathroom, my hair dripping down my back. Joe was sitting on my bed in my room when I came out. I barely glanced at him and went to get clothes out my suitcase. Joe on the other hand blushed and turned his head away from me.

I laughed, "You OK Joe?", he just nodded his head. He cleared his throat and went silent.

"Um..Mom and Dad sent me to get you. There's something you need to see". I turned to him. That sounded kinda serious.

"What is it?", I asked but Joe just shook his head and walked out of the room. I was confused and slightly worried. I grabbed the first items of clothing I could and rushed out into the suite, dragging a brush through my hair at the same time. All the Jonas' were sat around on the couches, looking pretty serious. "What's up?", I said to them. Mr Jonas pointed to some magazines on the table. I wandered over to read them. After a moment I looked up at them laughing. "Is this it?".

_New couple alert: The one and only Nick Jonas was spotted yesterday out for a walk in the park with his lovely co-star Emma O'Neill. It all started off innocently enough but we sound found them huddled together on a bench having a very intimate "conversation" (see photos on left)._

_This begs the question to ask, are these two the new Niley or will they crash and burn like Nelena?_

I looked around at everyone who was taking this very seriously. I still didn't see what the big deal was. "Emma, maybe you should sit down", Mr Jonas said to me. I took a seat on the same couch as Nick, but sat on the other side. I didn't know why but I felt it would be easier not to be next to him. "OK, I'm only going to ask this once – but what is going on between you two?", He asked. I didn't know how to answer that.

Nothing would have been the right answer – but it didn't feel like nothing. Nick never spoke either. I eventually shrugged, feeling that that summed it up. I liked Nick, a lot. Probably more than was healthy. I thought about him all the time – I even dreamed about him. In a nut shell – I wanted him. And I couldn't seem to help it. Everything he had done to me, all the crap that made me feel horrible...one look at him and I forgot that I had disliked him for even a moment.

Mr Jonas cleared his throat. "And this walk in the park yesterday?", he asked.

"Was just a walk", Nick answered. "Emma wanted to go for a walk and I wouldn't let her go alone, so I went with her. There's nothing going on between us", he said, looking at the floor.

"Is there likely to be soon? The press is having a field day with Joe and Demi as it is. I don't want them to turn against you as well". I had no idea what they were talking about now. Joe and Demi? And why did the press hate them? I was confused and made a note to ask about it later. Nick took a moment before answering.

"No, we are very unlikely to ever be together like that".

I felt my whole world crash into pieces. Again? Really? He felt the need to say this again? And I thought -

I felt tears beginning to well in my eyes. I pinched the side of my arm as a distraction, waiting for the tears to dry up. I would not allow them to spill. I tried to make the hurt into anger instead. It took a moment but I got there. I got up off my seat and walked out the room, locking my bedroom door behind me. There was nothing else to say. If that's the way he felt – what could I say? I had 15 minutes to get ready before we had to head out to the first interview. I rushed about getting ready but still noticed that no one came to see why I had walked out of the room so suddenly.

I took a deep breath, holding my purse in my hand then headed out the door. The room was empty bar Danielle and Mrs Jonas, who walked over to me and hugged me. I didn't return the hug. "Are you OK, sweetie?", she asked. I nodded once, then pulled away for her. I didn't want her pity. I walked out of the room and made my way down to the front desk with them, where everyone was waiting, Danielle and Mrs Jonas right behind me. They had annoyed me the whole way down talking in hushed voices and throwing me concerned glances. I was OK, could they not just accept that.

The car ride to the first station was quite a short one. Chelsea, Nicole and Joe were at another station and Me, Nick and Kevin would be interviewing together. I was mildly exited when I found it was NYU we were interviewing for. "Good morning and welcome to WNYU radio. Today was have 2/3 of the Jonas Brothers and one of their co-stars here with me today", the host said down the microphone. We all said hello at the same time. "So you guys enjoying New York?", he asked. There was pleasant conversation exchanged where we pimped out the show a couple of times. The the Host asked the dreaded question. "So Nick, I hear you and Emma are dating?". I couldn't stop myself.

"Not bloody likely", I muttered. The room went silent.

"I'm sorry, we didn't quite catch that", the host said to me.

"No, were not dating", I said clearer, forcefully. "I'm not Nicks type. You see he would prefer a sweet, mild mannered girl who was willing to drop whatever she was doing and come running to his beckon call as soon as he should so request it. Isn't that right, Nick", I said, venom seething through my teeth. Nick just stared at me, his mouth wide open.

He stuttered, "I – I...um", but I wasn't finished.

"Or how about someone who is more than happy to play second fiddle to your music career? To wait around for that _magical _call that says you're willing to spend some time with them? Oh and on top of that", I said turning to the host, "I don't think I'd look good with highlights. So, no, I'm defiantlynot Nicks type".

The interview couldn't have finished quick enough for me. As soon as it was over I was out the door, not even stopping when people were calling my name. I rushed as quick as I could to the nearest exit, leaving the building and everyone else behind. The rain had become torrential now, bouncing off the sidewalk. There wasn't many people out on the street – not that I blamed them. I was soaked through and had barely taken 5 steps. I walked as fast as I could - although where to, I wasn't sure. I just needed to keep moving.

The rain didn't let up and I could feel the cold starting to get in, but I kept walking, my hair dripping down my back, the rain mixing in with my salty tears. I was angry and crying. It was the only way I knew how to deal with any emotion nowadays – break down into tears. When did I become so emotional? Was I always like this? No – I had never had so much reason to need to cry before.

I could hear someone calling my name and pulling at my arm, but I yanked it out of their grip and kept walking. I didn't want to know. "Emma, what the hell!", Nick shouted, grabbing my two arms and forcing me to look at him. Looking at him, standing there, soaking wet and feeling the need to apologize again...it made me angry. I shoved his chest as had as I could and he stumbled back a bit.

"Leave me alone, OK", I shouted at him. I could feel the puddles in my shoes as I tried to get away again but Nick walked along side of me.

"What the hell is wrong with you? One minute you're normal and the next you freak out during an interview!", he shouted at me.

"Whats wrong with me?", I turned towards him, "Whats wrong with you? One minute you act all nice like you care and the next you're a world class douche!". Nick was angry, I had never seen him angry before. It felt good to be able to get under his skin.

"Oh really? Tell me, Emma, why is that?", he shouted, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"How the hell am I supposed to know. You were – I thought..". I couldn't finish the sentence. We both knew exactly what I thought. The anger disappeared from his eyes almost at the same time I felt it disappear from me. I shook my head, and turned away from him, continuing my walk along the street. I didn't want to look back at him, standing there, his curls dripping water down his face. I didn't want him to see me like some crazy obsessed girl he was so used to.

I didn't know quite how it happened but I knew I would never forget those next moments.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist and I turned my head to see him there, holding me. He looked at me for a minute, those deep brown eyes that held a world of knowledge, never letting me go. I felt the blood rush around my whole body, pumping adrenaline before he leaned his head closer to mine. It was a moment later when our lips finally touched, gentle at first, but quickly building up force. I leaned my entire body into his, kissing back as forcefully as I could. His arms wrapped around my lower back, pulling me tighter in to him. His tongue soon found his way into my mouth and I was almost surprised before other feelings took over. I responded by opening my mouth wider, moaning when he caught my lip in between his teeth.

The kiss ended too quickly for my liking. We both stood still, breathing hard, his head leaning against mine, looking down into my eyes. "Huh", was about all I could manage. Nick laughed.

"Lets get out of this rain, shall we?", he said, taking my hand in his and putting both of them into his coat pocket. I didn't care that it was freezing, or that I was soaked through to the bone, or that we both were likely to wake up with a cold.

Right now I was floating and didn't want to come down.


	22. Secrets and Lies

**Secrets and Lies**

We took shelter in a cosy looking coffee shop / book store and found a secluded table by the window, surrounded by potted plants and shelves. The nerd in me was dying to look through the books but I stayed rooted to the spot. Nick went up to the counter to get us coffee and I wrung out my hair and checked my phone. A text from Kevin saying, "Did Nick get you", I looked up at Nick waiting by the counter and texted my reply.

"Yes, he got me. Talking now". That was the easiest way to explain things...for me anyway. After all it was just a kiss right? It didn't mean, like anything was going to happen. Before Nick had even set the coffees down on the table, my mind was a paranoid mix of emotions. I was soothed, however, when Nick reached across the table and grabbed my hand. I smiled shyly at him, and he returned a much wider grin. I picked up my coffee with my spare hand and took a sip at it.

"So", Nick started, "That was interesting". I laughed...also chocked slightly on the drink.

"Um...yeah. Bit dramatic for my taste to be honest". I spoke quietly, making a strange contrast from our earlier conversation. I was momentarily distracted when Nick began to run his thumb across the back of my hand, watching the movement.

"Yes, well, clearly it's something we need to talk about but maybe we should deal with the bad first". I blushed – was that interview really only half an hour ago? I pulled my hand away from Nicks and placed both hands on my cup and looked down at the table.

"What is there to say? I was angry and let it out. I was entitled to my opinions and I certainly won't apologise for having feelings, Nicholas". After a moment of silence, I ventured a glance up at him. He looked at me and nodded.

"Yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but it makes this", he said reaching out and grabbing my hand again, "So much harder". We were quiet for a moment when a sudden though came back to me.

"When your Dad mentioned Joe and Demi earlier...what was he talking about?". Nick looked troubled and there was a second where I didn't think he was going to answer.

"Demi and Joe – well Demi really – has been letting a lot out to the media about their relationship. And you know how they can be, one minute they love you and the next you're an annoyance", He glanced out of the window before continuing, "It can make it really hard on a couple. Demi wanted to come to New York with us but – but everyone thought it would be best if they spent some time apart". Nick frowned, lost in thought and I closed my fingers around his hand.

"But you don't", I stated. Nick shook his head.

"We do what we do to protect ours. Plus Joe agreed to it, so what does it matter?", nick looked at me. I hadn't realised everyone else had been going through so much. Here I was wrapped in my own little ignorant world, that I hadn't even noticed all this drama going on in someone I felt was one of my closest friends lives. But not only that, he had just told me that he – and his family – would protect them and theirs first, regardless of romantic interests. It sent a shiver down my spine and I pulled my hand out of Nicks once again. He looked up at me, searching my face for the problem.

"Nick, what are we doing", I asked seriously, placing both hands under my thighs to stop him being able to grab them again. "I mean, really? We can barely stand each other and now this? Do you genuinely think anything good can come of this". Nick folded his arms and leaned back in his chair, considering my words. His answer surprised me.

"You can't stand me?", he looked almost hurt. I hadn't meant it in that way but it did come out like that. I shrugged saying,

"Not can't stand you – just. There seems to be a lot of tension when we're together. Like we either argue or -"

"Kiss in the rain", Nick interrupted, an amused grin on his face. But I wasn't smiling. I was being serious. I didn't want to be in one of those relationships where people were always fighting. I'd had enough of that from my parents in my childhood. But at the same time, was I really having second thoughts about Nick? I was confused and my head hurt. "Hey", Nick said softly getting up of his chair and kneeling next to mine, "Look, I really like you OK. Have done for quite some time. I think this would be worth while – making a go of it". I looked down at him, into those eyes and found nothing but sincerity.

I smiled at him and nodded slightly. He stood up and took my hand, pulling me out of my chair. "I think maybe its time we head back to the hotel. My phone hasn't stopped ringing in my pocket for the past ten minutes".

We braved the rain again but only long enough to hail down a taxi. On the ride back to the hotel Nick kept a hold of my hand keeping them both in his lap. It was nice sitting their, bantering with the cab driver. It felt like something a normal couple would do – no fame or anything getting in the way. Just two people who liked each other spending time together.

My small bubble was soon burst however. When we got back to the hotel both Nicks parents were waiting for us in reception. I caught a glance of myself in a mirror and realised I looked like a drownt rat! _Lovely_. I gave a sheepish smile to them but quickly let go of Nicks hand. They looked angry, not that I blamed them. I had just insulted their son on radio – something that was likely to be repeated over and over again.

"Go change, and meet us back in our room. 15 minutes", Mr Jonas said to both of us. We walked over to the elevator, heads hung but one glance at each other and we were soon struggling to stop form laughing. As soon as the doors closed we both laughed loudly.

"Uh oh, I think we may be in trouble", Nick said. I was still having trouble breathing. Yes we were in trouble but for now, I felt like a kid who was caught sneaking out the house and was about to be grounded. Something about it made the matter very funny. We laughed all the way to our floor and then headed towards our rooms, Nicks being just a couple doors down from mine. He stopped outside my door and wrapped his arms around my waist. "See you in a few minutes then", and kissed me lightly on the lips. I smiled at him and turned into my room, my legs feeling slightly unstable. Did Nick Jonas really just kiss me?

I wandered idly into my room and grabbed baggy loose clothing, towel drying my hair then dragging a brush through it. I looked a state, make-up running everywhere, my hair a mess. But I was still smiling with a sort of inflated feeling in my stomach that wouldn't go away. Not that I wanted it to.

After cleaning myself up, I headed off to meet my fate, knocking lightly on Mr and Mrs Jonas' door.

Nick was already inside and I went to sit next to him. Before anyone else said anything I thought it would be best to apologise. "I'm sorry for earlier. It was wrong of me to have an outburst like that. Any problems that me and Nick were having", I glanced at him, "Well, they should have been sorted between the two of us". I looked at his parents, both of whom seemed to be having some sort of wordless conversation.

Mrs Jonas cleared her throat, "I realise you were having a bit of a hard time of things, Emma. But this situation has just become a whole lot more complex and I'm not quite sure you realise that". I lowered my head. Mrs Jonas had always been so nice to me but now she sounded...disappointed? That was worse than being angry. She sat down on a chair opposite us. "So now you two are together?", she asked. I looked at Nick. We hadn't really discussed what we were, but whatever it was, I think we both wanted to keep it pretty private.

Nick spoke for the first time since I had entered the room. "I think we're just going to see where it goes, you know, not put any labels or pressure on it", and I found myself nodding along with him. I was the worlds worst liar, so it made things a bit easier for me. Technically I wouldn't be lying when people asked was anything going on between us – we were just enjoying each others company. Mr Jonas sighed.

"So not a public relationship then". I shook my head. I knew that Jonas fans would eat any girlfriend of theirs alive, so it was definitely better for me.

"Well, it's not really a relationship", I found myself saying, to everyone's surprise, "I mean, we've not even been on a date yet, so...there _is _ nothing going on between us". Everyone nodded, satisfied with the way things were going. Nick and I got up to leave the room. I was just going to crash out in bed for a couple hours. We had some event to go to in a couple of nights time apparently and I would need to go shopping for it tomorrow. _Yeay! Dress shopping_, I found the sarcastic part of my brain calling out. I would maybe ask Joe to tag along, we hadn't hung out lately and after finding out about his whole situation, I wanted to make sure he was alright.

Nick walked me to my door and kissed my goodbye. It was cute and I loved it. "Oh I almost forgot", he said walking back to his room, "Emma, would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow night?", he asked. I smiled at him.

"No", I said and headed into my room. I could hear his laugh.

"I'll pick you up at 7", he said, just as I was closing the door.

I loved New York.


	23. How Can You Be Sure?

**How Can You Be Sure?**

Joe and I wandered around several high end stores and I was still amazed that I could now afford to shop in them. Disney defiantly knew how to pay you. I looked at various dresses, not really in the mood to shop. "So how are you", I asked Joe casually, glancing through dresses. He shrugged.

"OK I suppose", was the reply. Things between me and Joe had always seemed easy, like neither of us had to put in any real effort to talk. But today it felt strained. I decided to keep pushing.

"And Demi? Have you spoken to her lately?", Joe looked at me, his eyebrows raised.

"Why?". I stood there searching for words. Joe was getting really defensive and I wasn't sure why. I shrugged and dropped the subject. Sure I wanted to make sure he was alright, but I also wanted to spend some time with my friend. Pissing him off was not the way to go.

We shopped about some more, both of us not really into it, so we gave up and went in search of food. As we walked along the pavement he turned to me. "So...you and Nick, huh?". He didn't sound happy, more like he disapproved.

"Um...Yeah. I guess". We walked on again in silence. This was weird. Suddenly I felt as if my whole world had been reversed. Before I couldn't find myself able to talk with Nick and Joe and I got along amazing. But now it seemed the complete opposite. We stopped in somewhere for a snack and the awkward silence continued, except this time I was less willing to break it.

"Nick will get bored and move on, you know that right?", Joe said to me. I sat with my mouth wide open .

"_Excuse me?"_. Joe just shrugged. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?", I hissed angrily. What was with this family? They were all schizophrenic or something.

"I've seen it happen with Nick thousands of times. He's with a girl but then gets bored, writes some songs about it then moves on", he said very casually as if we were discussing the weather.

I sat for a moment, trying to calm my temper. "Look, Joe, I'm sorry if you're having a hard time with Demi just now, but I'd really appreciate it if you stopped taking those frustrations out on me!", I said getting up from the table. I wasn't going to sit here and listen to this crap. If I wanted to be insulted I'd read a gossip blog.

"Emma wait, I'm sorry, you're right, that was out of order", Joe said, grabbing my arm. He took a deep breath, "Please, just sit back down?", I looked at him. He was a mess, like he really looked worse for wear. How long had he been like this and why hadn't I noticed? I sat back down out of guilt and leaned across the table to him.

"What's wrong, Joe?". He shrugged.

"Nothing, it's just – I'm...what with Demi and everything. I'm really afraid I screwed things up there", he whispered. I grabbed his hand.

"Hey. I'm sure she understands, OK. She really likes you, everyone can tell. You never know, maybe a cooling off period will do you both some good. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that". Joe smiled at me, trying to recompose himself. Joe looked at me, opened his mouth to speak then shook his head and closed it. "What", I said grinning. Joe looked serious.

"Emma you're a friend, OK", he said, and I nodded. "Just – just be careful with Nick, OK". I frowned at him. There was no anger in his voice this time, just concern. "You've seen how easily he can change his mind".

I was confused, "What do you mean?". Joe looked at me.

"Remember what he said in the dressing room", my mind flashed back to the horrible memory just three weeks ago, "And now look at him. He really seems to be taken with you. But just...Nick has a short attention span, so just – take it slow, OK", he warned. I felt a small bubble slowly deflating within me.

We finished shopping – my heart no where near in it – and headed back to the hotel. I felt kind of numb, like the rose coloured glasses I had been wearing were finally taken off. The Nick thing was beginning to bug me. Joe was right, Nick did sound genuine when he had said it was never going to happen, and now?

I was biting my lip too hard, and soon felt blood. _Great._ Nick was stood outside my door as we came out into the hall. "I saw you two coming upstairs", he said, smiling. I attempted to put a smile on my face, doubt running through my mind. I turned to Joe and hugged him.

"Thank you for today", I said to him.

"Right back at you", he wandered into his room. I opened the door to mine, and Nick followed me in.

"Good day shopping then?", he asked, still smiling. I nodded at him, distracted. "What's wrong", he walked over to me, holding my arms. Well he did ask for it...

"Why are you with me?", I asked him. He looked confused. "I mean, why did you change you're mind about me?". He frowned.

"What did Joe say to you?", he asked slowly. So they had been talking about me.

"This isn't about Joe, Nicholas. You made me feel like hell a few weeks ago and now you've changed your mind. I want to know why and if it's going to happen again". He pulled away from me and went to look out the window. I stared at his back, waiting for my answer.

"Look, that day was a bad day", he said, still staring out the window, "It hadn't been going well for me and Joe had been teasing me about you for a few days. Add on to the fact that Courtney won't leave me alone and I just...snapped I guess", he turned to look at me. "Please forgive me for that. I didn't mean it", he said, his eyes pleading. I felt myself melting – but there was a small nagging in the back of my mind that said it didn't quite add up. Joe had seemed genuine when warning me, but Nick told me it was irrelevant.

I leaned forward into Nicks arms, my head resting on his shoulder. Joe was just looking out for me, right? He wasn't specifically saying Nick was lying, just that he had a short attention span. I relaxed into the hug and felt Nicks arms tighten around me. "So, you looking forward to our date tonight?", he asked, excitement in his voice. I laughed and snuggled further into him.

"Of course. But you should probably go. I've got to get ready still", I said, kissing his neck. He moaned and nodded.

"Yeah. Get ready", he said not letting me go. I continued to place small kisses up his neck, along his jaw line, his breathing getting harder. I stopped right in front of his lips.

"Nick", I said slowly, seductively, "You might want to take care of that before our date", I said to him. He opened his eyes and looked down at me.

"Take care of what". I smiled and ran my thumb lightly across the top of the bulge that had appeared in his pants. He moaned and leaned his head into my neck.

"Just a suggestion", I said, before pushing him away and walking over to my room.

"Tease", he laughed and shut the door behind him. I went off to get ready for the night. I didn't do much really, just tidied my hair and touched up my make up. I changed my top to a long sleeved blue blouse, leaving my skinny jeans on. I knew that Nick liked girls to look like girls but I really wasn't a skirt sort of person.

I went back to sit in the living room of the suite, realising I still had 45 minutes till date time. I sighed. Nick would probably take longer than me to get ready. I wasn't used to the sort of guy who took time in his appearance. The past couple of guys I dated were all t-shirt and jeans type people.

7 finally came and Nick knocked at the door. I went to grab my purse and coat and headed for the door. Nick was wearing a beige coloured sweater and black trousers, his man-bag slung over his shoulder. "What's with the purse?", I asked. Nick huffed,

"Its a satchel, OK?", I giggled. Note to self: he's touchy about the purse. Nick slid his arm around my waist. "You look beautiful tonight", he whispered in my ear. Well, no one could deny he wasn't a charmer.

We headed off out, to a car waiting for us outside. "You really know how to pull this date stuff off, don't you?", I said as he opened the car door for me. "Where are we off to anyway?". He just smiled at me.

"It's a surprise".

Turned out the surprise was tickets to go see Wicked on Broadway. I was excited. Not only was Wicked one of my favourite shows, but I had always wanted to see one on Broadway! Through out the show I found myself leaning more and more towards Nick, till eventually I was cuddling into him, eyes wide with excitement at the show.

"You enjoy it?" he asked as we left. I nodded.

"Best first date ever", I said and kissed him on the cheek. He laughed and looked pleased.

"It doesn't have to be over, yet", he said, teasingly. I faked shock.

"Nicholas Jerry Jonas are you propositioning me?", He laughed again shaking his head. The car ride back to the hotel was a relatively short one, the streets having cleared of most of the traffic. We held hands in the back seat, my head resting on his shoulder.

"More interviews tomorrow", he said, lightly. I nodded, drifting slightly. It had been a long day and I was tired. Plus Nick's shoulder was so comfortable and he was so warm...I cuddled into him more.

As we arrived outside the hotel I sat up and we unclasped our hands. There wasn't anyone outside the hotel, as it was so late but we didn't want to take any chances. He went in first holding the door open for me and we headed up to our rooms. We were pretty silent in the elevator, me slowly drifting off to sleep him deep in thought.

"It'll be strange when we go back to Los Angeles and everything will go back to normal", I nodded, not really hearing him. I was struggling to keep my eyes open.

I wasn't sure how I got into my room, changed into my jammies and into bed, but was surprised all the same when I woke up the next morning.


	24. Every Night Is Another Story

**Every Night Is Another Story**

The next days interviews went much better than the day before. They split us up again, so this time I was with Joe. "So Emma", The interviewer asked me, "Do you get on with Joe as well as you get on with Nick?". I laughed and looked at Joe.

"Me and Joe – we get on surprisingly well. He's a really great guy", I said looking at him. The interviewer looked disappointed that he wasn't going to get another outburst from me but not through lack of trying.

"And yesterday – you seemed to have some awfully strong opinions of Nick – are they still the same?". I shook my head – which considering we were on the radio was pretty pointless.

"No, yesterday was just a bad day. Me and Nick had gotten into a petty argument that morning and I took it out on him later. It was pretty childish to be honest". The interviewer – bored with me – moved onto Joe's love life. He handled the questions like a pro, as was expected. We finished up and everyone was in a pretty good mood. Joe wanted me to go with him to watch a movie or something but I couldn't. "Mani/Pedi with Danielle and your Mom, remember". We had to go to some event tonight and I was going to have a girly day and get ready for it.

He walked me to the spa, which was just a few blocks away, chatting as we went. It was the oddest moment when someone ran up to us and asked to take a photo with us. It was the first time it had happened – so I offered to take the photo. It was a teenage girl – chances were they were not as interested in me as they were Joe Jonas. But the girl insisted that I be in the photo too and got her friend to take it, then they swapped over while the friend got her photo taken. They thanked us and we walked on.

After a moment, Joe laughed at me. "What?", I said, turning to him.

"There's no reason to look so confused, Emma. You'll get used to it eventually". I nodded. It was a bit strange having a stranger walk up to you and ask for a photo. I mean I was hardly anything special...I was just me.

Joe walked me to the door, hugging his Mom and Danielle who invited him to join us. He declined with a grin and headed off to meet Nick and Kevin for what he called "bro time", and we headed into the spa. It was relaxing in there, you could hardly even hear the traffic outside. We were sat at stations next to each other and chatted about a number of things. Tonight's event, what we had planned for the rest of the week, that sort of stuff. It was nice but of course the moment came when Mrs Jonas turned to Mom mode.

"So Emma, how are you? Really?", She asked, her eyes swimming with concern. I shrugged. I was doing OK. We only had two days left in the city, though, and I was starting to get anxious about retuning home. I didn't want things to go back to the way they were. But instead of explaining all this I just said,

"OK". Mrs Jonas looked at me, clearly not convinced.

"Well you know, my doors always open if you want to talk about...anything", she said. I nodded. It was a nice day. After our manicure we went to get our hair done at the salon and then headed back to the hotel. It was fun. I really enjoyed spending time with them – like they really were family. We gossiped about various things all the way back to the hotel and my mood was elated.

I decided just to order room service and watched some life time movie with Chelsea and Nicole while we ate. The Jonas clan came into our room later on to talk about the nights plan. "So you guys can just split up into couples tonight for the cars. It's better if we stagger your arrival. So Kevin and Dani in one car, Joe and Chelsea in another, Nicole and Nick in the third and Emma, you can ride with me", Mr Jonas said to us. I was confused – why was Nicole and Nick riding together. I voiced this question and it was met by an awkward silence. No one met my eye until Nick finally asked to talk to me in another room.

I got up and left, Nick following at the back of me. I didn't say a word, just turned to him, with raised eyebrows. "OK, I probably should have told you this. But I asked Nicole to be my date tonight".

My mouth hung wide open. I was genuinely taken off guard – what ever I thought the explanation was going to be – that wasn't it. "We did agree that we were going to take this slow – you know, not put pressure or draw attention to it", he continued.

"I wasn't aware that meant we were having an open relationship", I said, finally finding my voice. Nick lowered his head.

"Were not!", He said shocked, "Were just taking it slow – so I thought...you know. And Nicole...". Yes, we had agreed to take it slow. Take it slow – not date other people. I shook my head, my lips forming a small line across my face. Nick walked over to me, "You're mad". It wasn't a question. I sighed deeply. "If you want, I'll change plans with Nicole", he said, sorrow filling his voice. "I'm sorry I just thought – going to something like this together would only confirm any kind of relationship. I thought you wanted this. And Nicole and I are just friends – we both understand that this is a cover". He had taken me in his arms, pulling me into him. I didn't hug him back.

"Are you OK?". I nodded once, my arms still firmly by my sides looking over his shoulder. He pulled away and kissed me on the forehead and walked out the room. I stood still, taking in what he had said – and the repercussions it meant. So, I was to go alone to an event and look like the 7th wheel? Sure, that would be _so _much fun. I shook my head, still angry. What was it about this boy that made my emotions go haywire? I'd never met anyone that I hated so much but at the same time wanted to spend every moment with him. It probably wasn't the healthiest of relationships. I changed into my dress and walked out the room, which had cleared of people, bar Nicole.

"Emma, I'm so sorry. I thought he had told you", she said. She was keeping such a safe distance from me I wondered how angry I must have looked. I tried to look happy.

"It's fine. It's all been cleared up", I said and Nicole nodded. She grabbed her purse and walked out of the room. I looked at myself in the mirror, wearing a beautiful dress but feeling like crap. All I wanted to do was to curl up on the couch and watch a movie – or even better...

I called Mr Jonas and told him to order another car for me – I was running late and would meet them there. I trailed through my phone until I found the number I was looking for. An old summer camp councillor friend of my I had met last year, who lived in New York. I stayed with her for a few days after camp meeting her friends and family. They were a wild bunch and I couldn't imagine that they would be sitting at home on a Thursday night.

Sophie was very surprised to hear from me, "Oh my God! I didn't even know you were back in the states!", she screamed down the phone to me, "We have to meet up, like NOW!", I laughed. Sophie was always overly enthusiastic about everything. I arranged to meet her at some club she was at. Her and her friends were going to see a band and were just as excited to see me again. At least someone wanted to spend time with me.

I change into a pair of boots, ripped black jeans and a baggy long tank top. I pulled the clips and pins out of my hair and tousled it until it formed long curls down past my shoulders. Putting on some thicker black eye liner and I was set to go.

Changing purses, I headed down stairs to meet the car that had arrived for me. May as well take advantage of what I already had...

Sophie was shocked to see me. "Damn! You look hot!", she yelled over the noise of the club. I was worried that I wouldn't get in – I was still only 20 and I knew the drinking age was 21 here but Sophie linked fingers with me, playing with my hair and whispering in my ear in an overtly sexual way and the bouncer hadn't even asked for ID. What ever worked was fine with me.

She was with her friends Lynette and Ray – Lynette was 6ft with long blond hair and looked like a bean pole, Ray taller again with dark spiky hair and one of the campiest people I had ever met – I loved him. We bitched most of the night at the bar about everything, from Disney, right down to the clothes people were wearing, while Lynette and Sophie danced away to the band – who were actually pretty decent.

"So, you like Nick then", he said his words beginning to slur from the drink. So far my love life had been his favourite topic. I nodded heavily.

"I like him so much it's not even funny", I yelled back, in an equal state. I had always been quite good at handling my drink, but after the 6th tequila slammer, even I was feeling iffy. Ray grabbed my hand.

"You, my darling, need to shake that pretty little ass and forget about the very hot boy", I laughed loudly as he led the way onto the dance floor. We danced for what felt like hours – the sweat was dripping from me, my feet in such pain. We swapped partners occasionally and I found myself grinding up against a stranger. A hot stranger at that. He hands seemed to crawl all over me but I was in too much a state to care – plus I was having fun, more fun than I'd had in a long time.

We tumbled out of the club at 3am stumbling against the sidewalk. The random pulled me closer to him whispering, "Can I get your number?", I laughed and pushed him away.

"Nope", I called out. Linking arms with the girls, we headed off down the street, New York still as lively as ever. We skipped along, well stumbled while attempting to skip, singing random songs at the top of our voices. We were 4 very young, very drunk people behaving how most young people behaved. It was a release for me - I felt like I had been wearing a straight jacket since my arrival here. Not just New York, but America as a whole. I was used to having random nights with friends - weather they be drunken ones or not. I liked being loud and a nuisance to people, not quiet, hushed in a corner, keeping my feelings to myself. This was good.

They walked me safely back to my hotel, insisting that I call them as soon as I was back in New York. It was such a pity that my flight out was tomorrow. I promised them they would be the first people I called next time and headed through the door as they loudly continued on down they street, finishing off the rest of their night.

Mr and Mrs Jonas were waiting for me at the reception desk, disapproval stamped across their faces. My happy mood deflated considerably. "Where have you been? We were so worried about you when you didn't turn up. And then you didn't answer any of our calls -", Mrs Jonas went into a long rant. I looked down at my feet. I felt kind of bad that I didn't call them, but at the same time,

"I was having fun, being myself, something that's not happened in a long time", I said looking at them. A thought occurred to me, "And you're not my parents", I said, "I don't have to explain myself to you". I walked away, ignoring the shocked and hurt looks on their faces and headed up to my room. Standing by the elevator was Nick, who had witnessed the whole scene. I didn't look at him as I walked into the elevator and pressed the number for my floor. He didn't get in with me.

It was a long, slow ride back up to my room. Sobriety had hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a spoilt and bratty comment I had made to them, after they had been so kind to me. A cheap shot at that. There was no point apologising tonight - emotions would still be running to high. I decided to wait for the morning, which was my last conscious thought before my head hit the pillow and I crashed out.


	25. Good News For People Who Love Bad News

**Good News For People Who Love Bad News**

I woke the next morning feeling like a ton of bricks had fallen on my head and a tank had ran over my body. Hello hangover. My mouth was so dry and the small amount of sunlight that was streaming through the crack in my curtains was burning my eyes. I glanced at the time – 9.30. I had just over 2 hours until my flight. Forcing myself our of bed, I stumbled to the bathroom, sticking my head under the tap and gulping down the cold water. Feeling slightly refreshed, I made the mistake of looking up into the mirror.

To say I looked like hell would be the nice way of putting it. I hadn't taken my make up of last night so I had panda eyes, my hair was sticking up at various odd angles, my eyes were red and puffy and surrounded by black bags. I moaned and headed out into the sitting area, where everyone was gathered. The sunlight was in full force here, with all the curtains pulled back. I felt like my head was about to implode. I groaned and shielded my eyes, curling up into a ball on the nearest couch. There was a flurry of activity in the room as everyone rushed about, packing last minute things and organising transport. I sat comatose on the couch.

Everyone around me gave me side long glances, no one quite meeting my eye. It was only then that the night before scene hit me with full force. I groaned from my spot on the couch. "Where's your Mom?", I asked Kevin, who was closest. She was the only person missing from the room. Kevin looked at me, disapproval in his eyes.

"She's in her room, getting ready". I nodded. I totally deserved the looks everyone was giving me – a mix of disgust and avoidance. I forced myself up off the couch and out into the hall, still in my jammies, and headed for Mrs Jonas room. I tapped lightly on the door, unsure that my head would be able to take anything louder.

After a moment, the door swung open and Nick faced me on the other side. "Oh. Hi", I said, slightly confused that I had gotten the wrong room. I looked up and down the hall – nope, this was the right one. "Can I talk to your Mom?". He stood back and held the door silently open for me. As I walked in a thought occurred to me – I hadn't even noticed Nick wasn't in the other room. Mrs Jonas was busy folding things into suitcases. I hovered awkwardly by the door.

"About last night", I started. She stopped folding and looked up at me.

"No, you were right. We're not your parents and it was wrong of us to try and discipline you like we were", I shook my head, feeling more guilty by the second. I continued to look at her.

"No, it wasn't. I was out of line. You have shown me nothing but the kindest affection since I've been here and last night I acted spoilt and selfish. I'm so sorry – I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, it was the last thing I wanted. Yesterday I just -", I stopped, aware that Nick was still behind me. I had acted out because of him – again. I sighed, "I have trouble controlling my emotions. But I promise, I'll start working on it", grinning slightly. Mrs Jonas smiled at me and pulled my into a hug. I hugged back, feeling a bit better.

I pulled away and headed off to get ready – I was way behind everyone else and would take twice as long in my current state. But first, I needed to shower. I walked across the room and out the door, not even realising I was being followed until Nick called out, "So that's it? I don't even get a mention in your little speech?". I turned to look at him.

"What would you like me to say Nick", I said, tired at this conversations we seemed to have every day. He looked at me, saying nothing. I turned and walked back down the hall towards my room, feeling the cold in the dark corridor. I could hear Nick's footsteps behind mine.

"Emma", I turned to look at him again but he looked lost for words. I smiled at him, knowing exactly how he felt. I held out my hand for him and he walked forward, grasping mine. It felt nice, comfortable. Like we fit – however dysfunctional we appeared to be. I pulled him forward, into my room and shut the door.

"OK, so I guess we need to talk", I said sitting down on the bed. Nick paused for a moment, then came over to join me. Neither of us said anything, for what felt like a very long time.

"So...first few days of this relationship. I probably wouldn't call it a success", he muttered, darkly. I laughed, to his surprise.

"No, probably not". He nodded and looked at me.

"I really like you though", he said. I smiled at him.

"I like you too. Maybe that's the problem – we expect too much, too fast". I wondered when I had gotten so old. Nick sighed.

"Its not healthy – us being like this. Fighting then making up. It shouldn't be like this", he turned his head away, looking down at the floor. "I've been thinking...", he started slowly. It didn't sound good, here comes the part where he tell me its not working and maybe we should just be friends. I didn't know weather I was going to cry or not. "You know yesterday, when you said something about an open relationship?", I looked up, surprised. I couldn't seem to pin this boy down. "Maybe it would be good for us to try that". I thought it over, but Nick obviously took it as hesitance. "I mean – it's just because I enjoy spending time with you – but we seem to drive each other crazy when we do. So maybe if we spent time with other people as well...", he trailed off.

There was logic in his method – but I didn't know how I would feel about seeing him with other people. But what was the alternative? Stay with Nick until I couldn't stand him? I nodded slowly. "OK", was all I said. It came out sad and quiet, and I got up to go take a shower.

"We'll be OK, right?", Nick asked, looking down at his hands.

"Of course", I said, not really believing it. It would be interesting at any rate. I climbed under the shower, enjoying the heat – but wasn't able to stay as long as I felt I needed. I still had my room to pack up. I wasn't the messiest of people but there was still enough clothes lying about that it would take me a few minutes.

I left my hair to dry naturally, knowing it would end up in loose curls and shoved everything into my case, choosing to put on a baggy top and sweat pants. We were going to be going straight to the airport after this so I wasn't too bothered about how I looked. It was a great improvement from this morning at any rate. I dragged my case out into the sitting room and waited on everyone else to finish packing. The more I thought about flying, the more my leg twitched. I really hated flying!

Nick was the next person to wander into the room. He spotted me sitting and wandered over next to me. "You alright?", he said, rubbing my back with his hand. I nodded, my leg still bouncing up and down. He continued to rub my back, neither of us speaking. The butterflies were beginning to build in my stomach again – and it was not a nice feeling. I really hoped I would be OK during this flight. It took the best of me to survive on a normal day but today I had the added worry of a hangover to add into the equation.

When it was time to go, we all headed down to the car Nick choosing to sit in with me this time. I must have looked really pale as even Kevin – who still seemed annoyed with me – took the time to ask if I was OK. I nodded weakly, not sure it was a good idea for me to be opening my mouth. We reached the airport in what felt like no time at all. Our flight was leaving in half an hour and I was getting really panicked.

After checking in our luggage, we sat down in the first class lounge. Everyone talked around me but all I seemed to be able to hear was the roar of planes taking off. Nick was still sat next to me, talking to Joe but holding my hand in his lap. He ran his fingers across the back of my hand, comforting me. I tried to concentrate on that and not the giant scrap of metal that would be shuttling me 35,000 feet in the air.

Our flight was called to boarding and we made our way forward, the funeral march playing in my head. Yes a little dramatic, but I deemed it necessary. The only positive thing I noticed about this flight was that Nick pulled me down into the seat next to him, no questions asked. I was glad – if ever there was a time I really needed someone, this would be it.

As the plane began to take off, I could feel my heart beating loudly in my chest, the nerves growing in my stomach. I gripped Nick's hand tightly and concentrated on the fact it would be over soon. The plane would level out and we'd be fine.

It was over quickly, as always, but this time I didn't let go of Nick's hand, just loosened my grip slightly. I opened my eyes to see him grinning at me. "Better?", he asked.

I nodded, still unsure of my stomach status. The flight home was relatively uneventful, the most interesting thing to happen was hitting some turbulence 3 hours into the journey. LAX was a nightmare – 30 or so paparazzi swarming the place with cameras. I felt glad that I was still relatively unknown – the boys were getting mobbed as they tried to walk. I hid behind the body guards as we walked along, trying to make myself as invisible as possible. We went straight to cars waiting on us – our luggage was getting picked up by some assistants and dropped off to our homes later.

I climbed into a car by myself, everyone else going off in different directions. I felt exhausted – the time difference meant it had only technically been 2 hours ago we got on the flight, but my body telling me it was much later. I felt something close to relief as I reached my sad, lonely little home, glad to be getting back into my own bed.

I dumped my purse by the door and did what I had been dreaming of doing since that morning – crawl back into bed and drift off to sleep.


	26. The Runaway Found

**The Runaway Found**

I found I was glad for the few days off I had from work the next week. The Jonas family were going away for Mothers Day on vacation, so without them, there was really nothing to film. My life had been so submerged in everything that was Jonas the past few weeks, I felt like I needed a detox.

I made up my mind on first nice day to spend some time alone. My house felt really weird now, after spending a week with everyone living in the same room, I suddenly went back to complete solitude. I couldn't even hear the light traffic passing outside my house. I wanted alone time but something less than absolute seclusion.

I packed a light lunch in a backpack, grabbed my book and drove in my car to the nearest park. Here I could be alone, but still surrounded by people. I walked on for a while until I found an old oak tree at the edge of a wood and sat down leaning against the tree with my book. It was the fourth Harry potter book – although you would have never been able to tell. It was almost 10 years old – having got it on the first day of release – and it looked it. It no longer had any sort of cover on it, the first couple of pages held in with sellotape and looked thoroughly read. I knew I should probably just buy a new copy but I liked this one. I'd had it for so long and read it so many times, it felt like an old friend. It had treated me considerably better than most friends as well, always being there for me when I needed an escape into another world.

I unpacked my lunch and ate away whilst reading, never lifting my eyes from the page, gripped as though I was reading it for the first time. I loved my books. It was only when my phone started to vibrate in my pocket I was made aware of the time. I had been out for almost 3 hours now, late afternoon slowly settling into the evening. It was Selena and I hesitated slightly before answering the phone.

It was all fair enough having a secret relationship with a boy whilst away on 'vacation', but now I was back, facing reality. And reality was that I was dating my friends ex behind her back. I wasn't exactly avoiding her but neither was I doing much to contact her. "Hello?", I answered my phone slowly. But the greeting was friendly. Either meaning she hadn't heard...or had and was cool with it. I hoped for the latter.

"Hey!", she said, enthusiastically down the phone, "You busy tonight?", she asked. I paused. No I wasn't busy but -

"Nope. Why?", I asked slowly.

"Um...I was wondering if maybe, um. Well my Mom – I've talked about you to her. So – do you wanna sleep over at mine?", she said in a nervous rush. I kept forgetting that most of the people I hung out with were only 17.

"Oh. Sure", I said. It wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but it wasn't the worst. I arranged to head over to hers at 7.30 picking up a list of supplies on the way – the usual junk food suspects. I thought now would be as good a time as ever to pack up and head home. I unwillingly stuffed my book in my bag – as well as all my litter – and headed back to my car.

I stopped at the grocery store, picking up the nights supplies and headed home to pack. I just grabbed the essentials – jammies, clothes for the next day and a pillow, hoping that Selena wasn't going to make me sleep on the floor as I didn't have a sleeping bag. I was nervous as I headed to her house. How were you supposed to tell your friend you were dating their ex? I was starting to hope the subject wouldn't come up. But at the same time, I knew if it was one of my friends, I'd prefer they told me. Plus secrets didn't stay secret very long in this town.

By the time I reached her house I decided to tell her gently and stress the part about it being an open relationship. Somehow I felt that would make it better. Selena's home was beautiful and her mother really nice. We chatted a bit about work and my trip to New York then headed up to her room. It was nice, a pale baby blue colour and quite feminine, which surprised me. She had always seemed like a bit more of a tom boy than that.

We settled down into her room and I was relieved to see she had a cot set up on the floor next to her bed. There was a kind of awkward moment – sure we had hung out loads of times together but nothing this personal. It was a new level of friendship and I was starting to wonder had we taken this step too soon. She suggested watching a movie, so we headed back down to her living room and settled down on the couch, surrounded by our junk food and the two pizzas we had ordered. Choosing to stick to the girly romantic comedies, starting with 27 Dresses, we worked our way through the Wedding Date, The Last Kiss and finishing with Bridget Jones 1 & 2, gossiping about things that had happened the past few days while I was away. I let on very little about New York and she didn't ask, except to mention she had heard the radio interview and had found it highly amusing, if not interesting. She was hinting but I ignored it, deciding now was not the right time to bring him up. It was well into the early hours of the next morning before we decided to head off to bed.

We were both lying in our beds – Selena had tried to get me to take hers, stating that I was the guest but I declined. I always felt weird sleeping in other peoples beds. I lay on my side, drifting off sleepily when she spoke quietly. "I've not had a girls night in like this in ages", she said, sadly. "I used to do them all the time with Demi...", she trailed off, awkwardly. "And with Taylor – it feels like she's always on tour. I mean she's there if you need to talk and everything but it gets pretty lonely hanging out by yourself without close friends". I thought this a bit strange – she always seemed to be out with loads of different people almost every night of the week.

"I'm always here, if you need someone", I found myself saying. I decided it was now or never. I took a deep breath and went quickly, before I had time to change my mind. "Selena, there's something you need to know", I paused taking a deep breath. Selena was completely silent. "When I was in New York...Nick and I...", I trailed off, unable to finish that sentence. There was more silence until Selena let out a small,

"Oh". I didn't know what else to say. I felt like I was ruining a good night, putting a downer on the mood. I soon found myself rambling through the whole story of New York, my own way of letting her know that I hadn't set out to get Nick and how much trouble we were already having.

"I mean, he's been away for two days and not even phoned or text once". OK, sure I hadn't text him either – but that was not the point. Selena gave a small laugh from the bed.

"It's OK, Emma. _Really_", she added after I made a small noise of disbelief, "If Nick Jonas sets his sights on you, you're pretty much helpless to say no. Trust me, I've been their. Twice". I felt a bit better as I curled back up to sleep. Selena shifted about a bit in her bed as well, settling down for the night. The sun was already starting to creep up through the curtains as I shut my eyes and drifted off.

Selena's Mom woke us at mid-day, saying we had had long enough in bed. She stood holding a tray of pancakes and glasses of OJ. We ate breakfast in bed, me climbing up onto Selena's, lying next to her and watched the TV in her room. Some afternoon talk show was on but we weren't really paying attention. I was glad to find that their was no weirdness between the two of us after last nights revelation. She even went as far as to offer me some advice on the so called "open relationship".

"It's simple really – just date a hot guy and he'll go mad with jealousy". We laughed so hard at this, there was a great risk of her bed being soaked in pancake syrup, tears streaming down both our faces, clutching our sides with pain.

At 3 in the afternoon, I decided it was about time to head home, packing up my stuff into my car. Selena walked down with me, hugging me before I headed home. "If you ever need someone to talk to, just call. Even if it's about boys", she said grinning. I returned the smile

"Of course I will. Same applies to you, mind", she nodded and I got in my car and drove off home alone, back to my sad lonely little house.


	27. The Party's Over

**The Party's Over**

It was over a week before Nick finally called me and when he did I was very surprised to learn he was already back home. "Yeah, we got in late last night", He told me down the phone. "Listen, were having a sort of gathering at our house tonight – I'd love if you could come". So at 6 o'clock I reluctantly headed off to the Jonas' home. It wasn't that I wasn't looking forward to seeing them – just I didn't know how things would be.

I parked my car behind Joe's truck, glad that he was already here. Things between me and Nick had been awkward – having barely talked since New York. I wondered how long this would last – the silence and the relationship.

Mrs Jonas greeted me with the usual warm hug and Mr Jonas shook my hand, which I found a bit odd. I was glad to see that Kevin was treating me the same again, obviously having forgiven me for my drunken rant. I greeted a few more people in search of Nick – I hadn't seen him when I first came in – but when I did finally find him, I wasn't so sure I wanted to talk to him.

Nick was in a room alone with Nicole, both huddled over a book, animatedly discussing it. When he let out a loud laugh, looking up at her and Nicole's face flushed with excitement, I began to feel sick. My blood rose to my face, pounding loudly in my ears. Every thing seemed to slow down in a heart beat. I turned around at once and left the room – the two of them too oblivious to notice. He looked so happy with him, happy in a way I had never seen him look at me before. I couldn't breathe.

I rushed out into the garden, breathing heavily, my chest tight. My hands were trembling as I tried to steady my nerves.

Nick liked Nicole.

And from the looks of things, she wasn't exactly pushing him away either. My mind was reeling, a thousand questions tainted in paranoia rushing through my mind at once. Did something happen between them when they went to the party? Is that why the very next morning he suggested an open relationship? Was he afraid if he told me it wasn't working would I go off on one again? I mean, we had had interviews still to go to – still had to work together. This way, he technically wouldn't be doing anything wrong.

Their faces circled in my mind, their smiles haunting me. Sure Nick and I maybe hadn't gotten off to the best start but I really liked him. A lot. Deep inside I felt a piece of my heart breaking. I had already begun preparing for the worst, even though I hadn't spoken a word to him yet. I wasn't sure if it was melodramatic or not.

"Hey, Emma, You listening?", A hand waved across my face. I jumped in shock, not even noticing Demi standing next to me. "I've totally been talking to you for the past few minutes and you've not...", I turned to look at Demi and she trailed off. "What's wrong?", she said frowning, leaning into me. I could feel the blood had left my face and I was cold, even though the evening sun was beating down on us.

I couldn't even begin to find the words to describe it, the feelings of shock I had. It was made worse by the sound of laughter carried out into the garden, shortly followed by Nick and Nicole, laughing away with each other. I felt dizzy and my lips had gone numb. They stopped talking instantly, the smiles vanishing from their faces, replaced with guilty looks. There was an awkward pause, before Nick said to me, "Emma, I didn't know you were here". He walked forward towards me but Demi grabbed my arm and pulled me away.

"Yeah, it's just over here", she said, as if continuing a conversation, "You'll love it". I let her lead me away, my whole body numb. She lead me into the living room and sat me down on a couch. She walked away but returned a minute later and forced something into my hands. "Eat it", she instructed, "It'll make you feel better". I looked down at the object, which turned out to be a chocolate bar. I gave Demi a weak smile, opened the wrapper and took a bite.

"Thanks", I said to her when I finally found my voice. The chocolate had surprising made me feel a bit better, the sugar nudging my system out of the shock.

"Its okay. I recognised the look and though you could use some help", she smiled at me. But I was confused.

"The look...?".

"Yeah, the 'I'm madly in love with a Jonas but he barely notices me' look", she laughed again. "I've watched Joe go through so many girls before he finally turned to me. Trust me, I felt the same way you looked every time he told me about is latest girlfriend. After a couple of times, you become better at hiding the hurt", she said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I nodded along with her. I was grateful to Demi. And had to admit, a little surprised as well. She had always seemed kind of stand offish with me, like she tolerated me being around, only for Joe and Nicks sake. But today, I didn't even wanna think about what I would have said if I had been left alone with Nick.

Demi sat with me for a few more minutes, constantly asking if I was okay, before going off to find Joe. I realised how paranoid she was with him. Almost like she couldn't believe her luck but if she let him go, he wouldn't stay. She really liked him.

I wanted to go to the bathroom to clean up a bit but was worried about moving through the house. I didn't want to speak to him and was afraid that if he cornered me, he'd want to talk. I looked round the door before leaving the room I was in. the hall was free of people and I decided to make a run for it. As I was crossing the room a small smile came to my face as I was reminded of the night when Nick was parked outside my house. It felt so long ago, even if it was only a few weeks.

I made it to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. My reflection caught my eye in a mirror above the sink. I was white as a ghost, all the colour having drained from my face, except my lips, which were still bright red. At least my hands had stopped shaking, probably due to the chocolate bar. Demi did know what she was talking about.

After splashing some cold water on my face, I headed back out into the party, my sole purpose to hide from Nick as much as possible. It worked surprisingly well, having only a couple close calls where I abruptly had to end conversations and flee from the room. Immature? Yes. Necessary? Of course.

However, it didn't last. I was sitting on a step outside when he finally caught me up. My head was leaning on my arms hiding my face away, when I head his voice next to me. "You've been avoiding me". It wasn't a question. There really wasn't much point in lying, so instead I just shrugged my shoulders, my face still buried in my arms. "Are you okay?", he asked and I nodded. Nick sighed. "Are you going to talk to me about it?". I paused for a moment before shaking my head. Would there really be much point. He ran his fingers through my hair, leaned in and kissed the top of my head. It was a moment before I realised I was sitting alone again on the step.

Nick was watching me from the other side of the garden as I got up. I still didn't want to talk to him, so I headed back into the house. Almost everyone was outside now, only a couple of people still huddled about the kitchen. Nobody looked at me as I walked past. I wondered if it would be rude to leave already, having only been here an hour. I wandered about the rooms, never having really taken them in before. It wasn't a house I had spent much time in.

I came across a smaller room, at the front of the house. There wasn't much in it – just a few comfortable looking couches and a black grand piano. I sat down on the bench and played a few notes, not really aware of what I was doing. I was in pain, my heart slowly numbing over. I couldn't even think straight. I was half way thorough a song when I noticed my fingers repeating a pattern I had learned months ago. The song seemed to help my through the pain, as music always had. I tried to shut down my other senses, just playing a song. It was soothing, healing, to feel my pain come out in those notes.

I don't know how long I was sat there playing but I soon became aware that I had an audience. I turned around to see the entire Jonas family watching me and in the front, Nick. He was looking at me differently – interestedly, as if I was an object he had always had but never fully worked out what it did until this moment. As the rest of the family broke into applause and disappeared off back outside, Nick came down to sit on the bench next to me. Still smiling at me he said, "I didn't know you played?". I just shrugged. It was nothing to his playing by any stretch of the imagination. Having self taught on an old keyboard, my skills were nothing compared to his. "Are you at least going to talk to me today?", he asked, when I never replied to him.

I looked up, the hurt and anger which had risen to the surface, swimming in my eyes, and gave him the most patronising look I had in me. It seemed to work, as he shrunk back slightly. I got up off the bench and walked out of the room and out of the house. I didn't want to be near him, not when he could be so ignorant as to why I could possibly be angry at him. His guilty face from earlier came to mind. No, he knew exactly what he had done.

_A couple of things first: JONAS WORLD TOUR!! YEAY! Sure I have to wait until November-ish till it comes to the UK, but that's OK with me. _

_Second, sorry it took me so long to update - felt uninspired with this chapter. I dislike the situation the two are in probably more than anyone, since its me forcing them into it. But bare with me, i have a plan. _

_Lastly - Thank you for reading :D_


	28. Forgiveness And Stuff

**Forgiveness And Stuff**

By the time I had driven home, my anger had reached new levels. I didn't think it was possible to be so pissed off at one singular person but I was fuming. How dare he, I mean how _dare_ he! He looked at me and acted as if nothing was wrong or couldn't possibly know what was bothering me. I paced back and forth in my living room, filled with the great urge to hit something very hard, preferably someone's face – but I would settle for less.

Still pacing my home, I jumped slightly when the doorbell rang. Funny, I hadn't even heard a car. I stormed to the door and yanked it open. Nick was stood there, the picture of remorse holding the most beautiful bunch of flowers I had ever seen. It was exploding with pink roses, lilies and large pink daises. All ties together in a large pink bow. Sure pink wasn't my favourite colour but the bunch was beautiful all the same.

He held them out to me weakly and I forgot that I was even mad at him. No boy had ever shown up at my door with flowers before. "Wow", I said quietly, looking down on them.

"I'm so sorry, Emma. I'm sorry about what I did. I shouldn't have done it". I looked up at him, startled by the vagueness of the apology. I frowned at him, agitated again.

"And what exactly was it you did?", I said, coolly. Nick shuffled uncomfortably, kicking the ground with his shoe.

"I...made you angry at me...and...", he struggled to find the words. My anger rose again, so near the surface like a volcano waiting to explode.

"So let me get this straight. You think that because I'm mad at you, if you show up at my door with a bunch of flowers, I'll just forget anything actually happened. And on top of that, how can you apologise for something that your not even sure what you've done? It's a meaningless apology", I stood back from the door and slammed it shut.

"Emma! Don't walk away from me!", he yelled through the door.

I threw the flowers on the end table next to the door and resumed my pacing in the living room, turning on the music to drown out the sound of Nick knocking at my door. Why were guys such idiots? How could he just stand there and think everything was going to be OK just because he brought me some flowers?

The urge to hit something had returned and my perfect little punching bag was sitting right out on my doorstep. I resisted the urge to throw the door open and kick him in the shins – even though the idea of it filled me with childish pleasure.

I wanted to go to bed – I was up for work at 5am the next day – but I was too distracted, too worked up to contemplate sleep. I went in for a quick shower instead, hoping the water would calm my nerves. It worked to some extent and I was feeling a bit relaxed when I got out. I couldn't stop myself from looking out behind the curtains before I lay down in bed.

Nick was still sitting there, his back against the door, his head leaning forward on his arms. I fought back an instinct to run out and comfort him. I didn't like seeing Nick angry or hurt - but instead I pulled back the blankets and crawled into bed.

The last conscious thought I had before I fell asleep was, sure he may like Nicole but its my doorstep he's camped out on.

I fought the urge to launch my alarm clock across the room in my daily morning ritual when it went off the next morning. It was a moment before I remembered Nick and sprung out of bed to see if he was still there. Even in the rising sunlight I could see he wasn't. Something that greatly resembled disappointment mingled deep in my stomach. I went about getting ready and headed off to work.

I was walking out the door and almost knocked it over before I noticed it was there. In a vase this time, a bunch of yellow flowers were sat on the doorstep. Funny, I hadn't noticed them this morning. That's when I looked up and realised Nicks truck was sitting at the end of my path. I debated weather or not to kick them over, but it was 5.30am and he had gotten up and delivered them before I left. I was touched by the gesture. It was sort of sweet. I picked the vase up and put it in the house before heading off to my car. Sure I would take his flowers, but I wasn't ready to accept a ride to work.

He tail-gated me the whole drive, as if he didn't want to let me out of his sight. I wasn't sure if I was amused or annoyed. He parked next to me at work then walked silently beside me all the way to set. He kept shooting me little glances and I willed myself not to return them but once or twice caught his eye. I headed off to my dressing room, he to his and finally breathed a little freer.

I didn't know what to do, or how to move forward from this. It was a strange little limbo of emotions – on the one hand I was angry and hated him for being able to hold so much control over my emotions. On the other, I needed him. I felt like if I could just be enclosed in his arms, everything would be better, as if he could kiss away all my problems.

I headed off onto set, regretting the day before it had started. Producers had decided that mine and Nicks characters weren't right for each other and that I would now be matched with Kevin's. The only problem? Nick was now being matched with Nicole. But this was work, business, and I was determined not to let my personal emotions get in the way of this job.

Holding my head high, I went over to talk to Kevin and Dani. At first I felt kind of weird when Dani was on set and I was having to flirt with her husband. But she was so sweet and understanding, and when the scene was over they were adorable together, that eventually it stopped bothering me.

"Hey, how are you?", Dani asked.

"I've been better", was my reply and she laughed slightly.

Dani leaned over into me and lowered her voice. "Nick's a good guy – you just gotta learn to trust that", she said quietly, so only I would hear. I nodded, knowing that I would probably forgive him eventually, my will power already fading considerably.

I never really was one for being angry at people. It took too much emotion and energy. I let things go – sometimes to easily. But where was the fun in being angry? We all went off to set and filmed the scene, not taking as long as usual as the mood on set was not a fun one.

Actually tensions seemed to be quite high and I didn't think it was just because of me and Nick. Well it was, but only if you added Nicole's glances at Nick all day and my growing sullen mood. What upset me the most was I was no competition for Nicole. She was beautiful and so sweet, a really lovely person. I was pretty, at best and had a mean streak that would scare the crap out of most young children.

Nick hung around me most of the day – close, but not close enough to say anything. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him either. Every time he was near me I found a lump in my throat that usually signalled the start of tears. I wasn't even sure why I was so upset.

I found that I couldn't face lunch with everyone else, so instead grabbed some food and headed for my dressing room. It would be easier if I just took myself out of the equation. Nick and Nicole got on well together and at the end of the day, I still wanted him to be happy.

I ignored the plate of food I had brought, instead reaching into my bag for my book. Life was disappointing me and I wanted to escape somewhere else. I had barley read a page, when there was a knock at my door. I looked up, expectantly at it – most people just walked in after knocking, so I found it odd that no one did. The person knocked again so I got up off my couch and opened the door. Nick stood at the other side.

"Can we talk?", he asked, softly. I walked away from the door and left him to shut it behind himself. I sat back down on the couch and Nick followed suit, sitting at the opposite side. We both just sat in silence, the only noise coming from the clock ticking on the wall. A few minutes passed before he said anything.

"First of all, just hear me out before you say anything, okay?", he said to his shoes. I nodded at the wall. "I'm sorry that you're so unhappy with me-", I tried to cut in but he held up his hand. "I'm sorry that I can't seem to make you as happy as you deserve to be. I really like you and it's killing me that this isn't going how it should". He paused and turned to look at me, waiting until I caught his eye before continuing. "I'm going to work harder though. I really want you and me to work". I looked into his eyes and felt fluttering in my stomach.

Nick reached up his hand and traced the outline of my face, my jaw, working his way down towards my neck. Not breaking eye contact once, he curled his had behind my neck and pulled me in for the most gentle kiss I had ever experienced. His lips barely grazed mine, as he leaned in.

The combination of this and the feeling of loneliness I'd had for the past few days broke something inside me. I reached out to him, pulling the front of his top so he leaned into me. The kiss was hardened in a moment, becoming more adventurous as his tongue slipped in and out my mouth. Nick pushed me down on the couch, leaning over the top of me, his hips grinding down on me. I slid so I was more comfortable underneath him, wrapping my legs around his hips. He bit my lip, hard and I couldn't hold back the moan that followed. Still pushing down on me, Nick moved his mouth down onto my neck, sucking slightly as he made a trail down towards my chest. At the same time his hands slid under my top, his thumbs making small circles up my sides as he worked his way up. I clung desperately to him, my nails digging into his back.

A knock at the door brought reality crashing down on me. My chest was heaving, trying to catch a breath. I cleared my throat before calling out, "Just a sec". Nick lay still on top of me, panting as hard as I was, his face still buried in my neck.

When he sat up off me, we both took a moment to re adjust our clothes, before he held a hand out to me. "Ready?", Nick asked. I smiled and took his hand. You got to love making up.


	29. You Call It Madness, But I Call It Love

**You Call It Madness, But I Call It Love**

The next few weeks with Nick went well. We went out on a date with Joe and Demi – who thankfully was being a lot more civil with me since my freak out at the Jonas house. It was nice. We also went shopping – which Nick detested, but came along anyway.

"I like spending time with you", he told me, "Even if I don't like the activities", he said eyeing the clothing rails with slight disgust. We walked along the street – followed by 10 men with cameras – talking about anything and everything, or sometimes saying nothing at all, just enjoying the company. Once or twice I wanted to grab his hand while walking but stopped myself at the last minute remembering where we were.

It was fast becoming an annoyance of mine. I couldn't hold my boyfriends hand in pubic – or hell, even tell people that he was my boyfriend. I hated it but at the same time, I felt like I couldn't bring it up. I knew what I was getting into, knew that within this kind of business we were in... His people would never allow the confirmation unless their was something to gain from it. Everyone knew that Joe and Demi would have never been allowed to confirm their relationship if they hadn't had Camp Rock 2 or the summer tour coming up.

I was beginning to envy their relationship more and more.

It also didn't help that the closer we drew to the end of filming Jonas, the closer Nick and Nicole's characters grew. They were defiantly being encouraged to spend as much time together as possible – outside as well as inside work. Which also resulted in a lot of days spent with Nicole. I didn't hate her – but to say I was starting to resent how much time the two were spending together wouldn't exactly be a lie.

The flirting that was happening on screen was regularly being carried off screen and was only stopped after a few dagger filled glares from me. I hated how possessive I was feeling. I had never been the jealous person in relationships before but could suddenly understand when one ex had said to me it was the little things that drove him crazy.

They way Nicole looked at him or found excuses to touch him – it was driving me demented! I didn't want to bring it up to Nick, we were finally in a good place, the arguing and fighting having stopped...when we were alone. At work I felt angry constantly, snapping at anyone who happened to look my way. It was like I couldn't find the right balance between work and personal life. I felt like I needed a vent for my frustrations.

Lucky for me, Joe noticed this as well. He turned up at my house ridiculously early one morning when I was still sitting about in my jammies. "Get dressed, you're coming with me", he said, forcing his way into my living room, in shorts and a tank top.

His solution to my anger was that I would run. He trained with her personal trainer Joey 5 times a week and talked about how much it helped him through his problems and emotions. How doing something physical made you feel as if you were working towards them – even if you weren't. "Plus", he added, "usually it leaves you feeling so tired, you don't have much room left for anger".

So it was with some – alright a lot – of protest that I was stood on the side walk with Joe and Joey doing stretches, feeling like an idiot. "You get used to it after a while", he said as a couple walked past, openly staring at us.

"Comforting, I'm sure", I muttered, darkly. We started slowly, just barely jogging. I could tell the two guys were trying to keep pace with me, but at the same time wanting to go faster. We jogged around a couple of blocks, the pavement pounding beneath my feet. After thirty minutes I was quite assured that I was, in fact, dying. My lungs were on fire, my throat collapsing and my legs turning to liquid. I slowed to a stop, doubling over onto my knees.

"OK, I'm done", I panted. Joe and Joey were several feet in front of me and had to double back to where I was. They both looked down at me, moments away from collapsing.

"All right. You just need to do a couple warm down stretches", I glanced up at him, with all the hatred my body could muster. But it was hard - I was so tired. At least Joe was right about that.

We walked slowly back to my house and Joey instructed me on the stretches. When we were done, the guys went off to finish Joe's workout and I contemplated how weird it would look if I lay down on the side walk outside the house. I decided instead to crawl the front steps and made it back home.

I was sweaty and disgusting so a shower was in need. I turned the water as cold as it would go and slipped underneath it, squealing slightly as the spray hit my shoulders. I sat down in the bottom of the stall, my legs curled up to my chest letting the water run over me, cooling the fire that burned in me.

By the time I got out, I was shivering. I was also shocked to see it was now 2pm. Where had my morning gone? I was loading the dishwasher when there was a knock at the door. Nick's shadow shone through the glass. I opened the door and greeted him with a kiss.

"You seem happy", he smiled at me as I led him through to the living room. I shrugged. "Been up to much?".

We sat down on the couch. "Just went jogging with Joe this morning", I told him, snuggling into his side as he flicked the TV on.

"_You_ went _jogging_?", he asked incredulously. I hit him playfully on the leg.

"Yes! I can exercise and stuff". He laughed with me as I stretched out on the couch, my head in his lap, watching the TV absent mindedly. Nick ran his fingers through my hair. I tried to fight the temptation, but it was too strong. I was exhausted and so comfortable that I soon drifted off to sleep.

There was a loud bang and I jumped up with fright. It took me a while to realise where I was. I was still on the couch, but alone, my head resting on a pillow. I glanced sleepily around and saw Nick in the kitchen. He saw me staring at him and smiled. "Good, you're awake", he said, brining through various cartons of food. "I was afraid I would have to wake you and you'd bite me or something", he grinned.

"Hey! I've only ever done that once, and I apologised for it", I protested, laughing with him. I sat upright as he put the food on the table.

"I was going to cook you something lovely that you would be eternally grateful for – but then I remembered I don't cook and thought take-away would be easier". I laughed again, helping him open the boxes. It was Chinese food – not exactly my favourite, but I was too hungry to care. Nick went over to the TV and put on a DVD – Bugsy Malone, one of my all time favourite films. He sat back down next to me and we proceeded to work our way though the food and the film.

I liked days like this – when it was just me and Nick. No complications. I was content and comfortable and...happy? I really liked this boy a lot – he was sweet, funny, smart. Not to mention he brought me dinner and a movie. I snuggled back into his side and he responded by kissing the top of my head.

Too soon, it felt, the movie was over. I stretched out and leaned into him, pulling him down for a kiss. "Emma", he muttered and pulled back. I looked at him confused.

"I have something to tell you and you're not going to like it". He looked down at the floor. I sat up from him, not taking my eyes off his face. "You know how we're going to the Change for Children Foundation event", he started slowly. Of course I knew, I'd been quite looking forward to it. The event was to raise money and awareness for the boys foundation. Loads of people were coming – everyone from the Disney group, plus a couple other young actors and actresses. I nodded at Nick, still not sure where this was going. "Well...the producers of the show...they – they want me to take Nicole. As my date". He looked up at me but now it was my turn to avoid eye contact. I stared at the blank TV screen instead, the excited flush rapidly vacating my face.

"And you've said yes". It wasn't a question. Nick nodded his head slowly. I could feel the anger welling in my chest. After such a perfect day why? – why did things have to go wrong. I had thought that we were done with these games, with all this drama. Clearly I was mistaken. I was in no mood to talk this through, or to hear his excuses.

I got up from the couch without looking at Nick and went to my room, slamming the door shut behind me. I lay down on the bed, curling up into a ball. I head footsteps walk up to my door then stop. I raised my eyes to look at it, but it never opened. After a moment the footsteps walked away. I head the front door close softly and Nick, walking away from my house.


	30. Super Cool Party People

**Super Cool Party People**

To say I was angry was somewhat of an understatement. I was livid. It had been three days since I had talked to Nick – much to the annoyance of everyone at work. They were getting almost as sick of the drama as I was. It was too much for two people to go through.

But I was determined to go to this event. I had missed the last one because of a fight – this would not be a repeat. I had planned out a dress to wear last week – but looking down at the pale yellow dress lying on my bed, I suddenly didn't feel that bright. I wanted something else – something that would draw attention. I wanted to show Nick exactly what he was missing out on – but nothing I owned had that effect. I was pretty casual when it came to clothes, mostly a shorts and t-shirts kind of girl. Dresses weren't really my thing and the ones I was thinking of definitely wasn't in my sort of style.

I didn't really want to do this alone but wasn't sure it would really be Selena's thing - since it was her yellow dress I borrowed in the first place. I took a deep breath and scrolled through the contact list on my phone. Only one person had come to mind when I thought of showing off a bit. "Hey, Demi. Wanna go shopping with me?".

I was hot, tired and annoyed. I hadn't spotted anything that remotely looked like something I wanted. It didn't help either that the whole time we were out Demi had complained to me about Joe. "I mean, I realise we were moving a bit fast but I can't help how I feel about him", She was saying for the tenth time. I had put my two cents in about the matter then let it go – saying maybe she should just back off for a few days and Joe would realise how much he misses being with her. She, however, didn't want to hear it and seemed determined to convince me that she was right.

I walked a step or two in front of her, with the determination of a person gone demented. I was glancing in all the shop windows when a reflection from across the street caught my eye. I stopped so suddenly that Demi walked straight into me. "OW! Hey what's -", She followed my eye line and saw the dress as well. "Wow". I knew it was perfect. I started to head across the street but Demi grabbed my arm. "You don't want to be run over before we can actually buy it, do you?". I laughed and allowed her to lead me to the crossing.

I was surprised to find that the store I was stood in front of was a relatively small vintage one. The day just kept getting better. We went inside and stood about in the dark waiting for our eyes to adjust from the bright sunlight outside. Demi wandered off to look at some of the rails while I went straight over to the register to ask about the dress.

The woman told me that it had only been brought in last week and this was its first day of display, whilst taking it off the mannequin. She handed it to me and I let the material slide through my fingers. I walked towards the direction of the dressing room, still staring in awe at the dress.

As I slid into it, I was surprised at how well it had fit me. I was expecting it to have needed some adjustments...but this was like the perfect dress. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. The dress was a deep, virgin blue. The top was a tight corset, with silver studded sequins around the outlines and down the middle. From the waist down, the material turned to chiffon, one shade lighter than the corset, with one long dark blue piece falling down from the middle, as if the corset was unravelling. The dress bunched slightly at my feet but would be the perfect length in a pair of heels.

I stared in wonder at my refection. I wasn't exactly vain – but I had honestly never felt so beautiful in a dress before. Demi opened the curtain at the back of me and as I turned to face her, I saw her refection mirror mine completely. "Well...at least you have your dress". I nodded with her – there was no question about even looking for another. As I stared at myself in the mirror again, all I could think about was seeing Nick's face tonight.

I decided to leave my hair in long, thick curls, deciding that it went well with the general look I was going for. I also applied heavy eye make-up. Not so much that I looked like a panda bear but enough to make them the main focus of my face. I was doing one last "once over", in the mirror when the doorbell rang. I grabbed my purse and shall and headed out to meet the driver, who was waiting for me. He walked me down to the car and opened the door.

The driver got in the front and took off. I sat back, trying to calm the nerves that were building. This was the first time I had ever been going to walk a red carpet event. I was freaked out that I would fall flat on my face! "Are you okay?", the driver asked from his seat. I nodded and glanced out the window. It'll be fine, I told myself. "You know, you're the first person I've ever had to pick up that came with a warning", the driver continued.

"What do you mean?", I asked, quite confused by the comment. He laughed.

"I was told that if you didn't get in the car I was to phone Mr. Jonas right away". To his surprised I laughed, fondly remembering my night in New York. I wondered if I would be able to get away with something like that again. Every where you went in this city, people were constantly keeping tabs on you. I felt trapped.

The banter with the driver had taken my mind off the drive and before I knew it, the car was queued up at the entrance. The boys had just gotten out of a car right in front of me. Chances were they would still be there as I got out. _Fun! _

I could see that Demi, Danielle and Nicole were all with them. The sight of Nick with his arm around Nicole turned the nerves into a fire and I knew that I would rock this red carpet. I had been an independent person all my life, I didn't need this boy. Want him, maybe, but definitely not need.

My car drew up to the carpet and I braced myself for the door opening. The driver wished me luck and I stepped out.

Flashes from all angles blinded me and I was temporarily stunned. It only took a minute, but the inner-bitch kicked in and I was ready. I held my head high, revelling in the fact that I was flying solo – all eyes were on me. Nick heard the calls of my name and turned to see me.

His jaw visibly dropped when he took me in. He looked stupid, standing with his arms hanging limply at his sides. I turned away from him and smiled at the sea of cameras. This was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I was enjoying it. I posed for a few more photos and turned to head on up the carpet. As I turned, I saw Nick heading towards me, the stunned look still on his face.

I paused then walked towards him...then right past him, glancing him up and down as I went. I knew that move would not have went unnoticed and I was glad. I headed straight over to Demi, who, in all honesty, looked perfectly miserable standing next to Joe. She kept glancing at him, almost hopefully. But both of their body language was awkward, uncomfortable.

I gave her a hug and whispered how stunning she looked. She nodded limply, faking a smile - but her eyes looked heartbroken. I looped my arm through hers and dragged her away from the group. She followed willingly, leaving Joe standing behind, watching her go but making no attempt to stop her.

We posed together further up the carpet, away from the rest. I hadn't stopped to talk to them. I had no desire to do so. If I wasn't good enough to be with Nick at a public event, then so be it. But I was going to make sure everyone else knew that as well. Show the world how the Jonas camp really plays things.

We headed into the building and stood for a moment as our eyes adjusted. The music made it's way out into the hall where we were both stood, unsure what to do. Joe caught up with us moments later, sliding his arm around Demi's waist. "Hey Emma, you look beautiful tonight", He said, pulling Demi closer. She seemed slightly mollified by this and responded by snuggling into him. I looked Joe up and down, who was wearing his usual black tux.

"You don't look too bad yourself, Jonas". He laughed and looked over his shoulder. I followed his gaze to see that Nick et al were approaching. As they got closer, a server came over to us.

"Ah, your group is already together. If you want to follow me, I can show you to your table". The only unfortunate thing about this night was that we had all decided it would be fun to share a table for the meal, before the general "mingling" started. How I was regretting that decision. The table sat eight, and since their were seven of us...I looked around and saw a blonde boy being shown over to our table. Demi walked over to him and hugged him before dragging him over to us.

"Guys, you all know Sterling, right?". Sterling said hello to us all and his eyes rested on me.

"I don't think I know you though", he said, smiling at me. He held out his hand to my and I grabbed it. It was soft and warm and he held mine gently.

"Sterling, this is Emma, Emma, Sterling. Emma works on Jonas, with the boys", He smiled at me, his pale blue eyes roaming across my face.

"I know. I've seen you on the lot a few times", he smiled. I smiled back. I couldn't help it. I knew who he was – obviously, being the creepy Disney stalker that I was – but he was really cute. We all walked over to the table together and I smiled a bit when I saw that Sterling would be sitting right next to me. As we reached the table he turned to me,

"Looks like I'll be getting to know you a bit better", he said, indicating the fact that our seats were together. My smile widened. Sterling pulled out the seat for me before sliding into his own. I still enjoyed the whole gentlemen thing these guys had going on. Not to mention the fact I was getting kind of used to it. First Nick, now Sterling...

I looked across the table at Nick, who I was shocked to see was frowning at Sterling. His hand was covering his mouth as if trying to stop himself saying something, his shoulders hunched up and over into the table. I had never seen Nick like this before. I continued to stare at him, confused as to what his body language was. What ever it was it was nothing I had ever seen him express before. It wasn't until he looked at me and made eye contact that it hit me. He blushed and looked down at the table. I let out one loud 'HA!' and everyone turned to look at me.

"Something funny, Emma?", Kevin asked. I shook my head slightly.

"Just the voices in my head telling jokes again". Everyone around the table laughed and Sterling turned his full body to me.

"Ahh, I get that all the time. Their pretty annoying when you need them to shut up, right?", I laughed, enjoying this banter.

"Tell me about it. They always come out with the most inappropriate comments at the worst times as well". Sterling nodded along with me and grinned at him, although I could resist myself from stealing a glance at Nick, who had returned to glaring in our direction.

The meal was full of tiny portions with strange sauces – as per usual. But the company was a relief. Sterling chattered comfortably all through out dinner, making conversation with everyone but mostly with me – which I was pleased at. The conversation turned to families and he told me all about his younger brother and sister and me about my younger and older sister. "Yeah, my sister is due her baby in late August, so I'll be an auntie", I finished telling him.

"Wait – your sister is pregnant", Joe asked across the table. I nodded at him then frowned.

"I'm sure I told you", I said to him.

"I'm pretty sure you didn't. I would remember something like that". I shrugged at him.

"Must of slipped my mind", and turned back to Sterling to continue the conversation. He made me laugh so much that I didn't like being reminded of the reality that was still sitting across the table, glaring at me. He hadn't spoken all through out dinner.

The meals were finished and everyone was lead into a larger room that had a dance floor on it. I wanted to make a bee-line for the bar but remembered that I was under-age. It wasn't that I had some sort of drinking problem, just that awkward situations like this were usually made more amusing with copious amounts of alcohol.

I soon realised that I was alone in a room full of strangers. I turned around to look for someone – anyone. All I could see was Nick and Nicole standing off in a corner talking...or arguing, maybe because at that moment, Nicole threw up her hands and stormed off to the other side of the room. Nick looked up at me and I saw that familiar look in his eyes. The one I knew from when he held me in his lap, looking down on me with such -

"Hey", Sterling said, walking into my field of vision, "You look lost". I laughed and muttered _I wish_. The music started up and the lights dimmed slightly. People were beginning to let their hair down but no one had started dancing yet. "Want to?", he asked, indicating the floor.

"No one else is dancing", I told him. He grabbed my hand and dragged me onto the floor.

"That's 'cause their just waiting for the super cool people to start. It would be rude if they went first", I laughed again. We danced to several songs before one of my favourite ones came on. Lady Gaga – Bad Romance. At this point, Danielle, Kevin, Joe and Chelsea joined us. I was delighted...and slightly confused to find that Sterling knew all the dance moves and was more than happy to do the dance along with me.

Joe attempted to join in but didn't know all the moves – but that didn't stop him from trying. I had never laughed so much in my life. The tears were streaming down my face as we danced away. But I needed a drink and headed off towards the bar. I asked for just a water and was handed a freezing cold bottle, which I held to the side of my neck, trying to cool off.

"You look like your having fun", a voice said from behind. I jumped slightly and turned to find Nick was standing behind me, looking quite angry.

"No thanks to you, I suppose", I said coolly and made to walk off but Nick grabbed my arm.

"It's not like I've had the chance. You've not said two words to me all night. And you seem to be having enough fun with Sterling over there". I looked him up and down again.

"Yes, you're right Nick, I am having fun. You should really try it sometime", I said before walking off. I danced a few more dances with the group – but opted out of the slow songs. Yes, technically Nick did bring another girl as his date, but it just wouldn't have felt right. I didn't like playing the games. Sure I did dress up to make him jealous but slow dancing with another guy – especially when it would just be to make Nick jealous – wasn't fair.

I headed for the bathroom instead, after downing the bottle of water it was somewhere I needed to go. In the cubicle, I heard someone retching in the next toilet. I came out of mine and knocked lightly on the door. "Hello?", I called out.

"Emma?".

"Demi?", I said pushing open the door. Demi was slouched over the toilet seat, quite clearly wasted. I hadn't even seen her all night. In fact I hadn't even thought about her all night. Guilt washed over me as I looked down at her, her make-up streaming down her face, mixed in with her tears. I knelt down on the floor next to her, brushing her hair out of her face. It only took a moment before fresh sobs were racking at her throat and she slumped into my shoulder.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?", I said softly, stroking her hair. She pulled back and looked up at me.

"Joe broke up with me".


	31. When It Isn't Like It Should Be

When It Isn't Like It Should Be

I went and got Demi a glass of water and waited until she had brought that back up in the toilet, holding her hair back out the way. I slowly lifted her up under the arms and carried her out of the toilets. All I needed now was to get her into a car without any paparazzi seeing her. Which, considering they were swarming outside the building, was going to be a pretty difficult task.

Still supporting her, I walked out into the entrance hall. Music flooded out to where we were and I considered going to find someone to help, hovering at the doorway. But Demi muttered, "No Jonas", and I realised the less people who saw her the better. I debated how best to do this when Sterling walked out of the room. He took one look at Demi and rushed over to us.

"Is she okay?", he asked, taking demi off me and onto his own shoulder. I nodded,

"I just need to get her home", I told him. Sterling helped me carry Demi to a nearby seat and sat her down. He then went off outside telling me to wait for him. A few minutes went by and I held Demi's hand as a stream of silent tears flowed down her face. "It's okay, shhh, it's all going to be okay", I whispered to Demi, holding her close. Sterling came back a few minutes later and picked Demi back up, telling me,

"I've got a car picking us up out back. No one will see us". We walked along the hall and through the kitchens to a black car waiting out back for us. I rushed forward and opened the door, climbing in first, taking Demi off Sterling as he passed her to me. Sterling, to my surprise, then slid in the car after her. I told the driver my address and the car backed out of the ally way, swerving between all the photographers.

Demi was quiet, closing her eyes over. After a few moments her breathing deepened and I realised she was asleep. Sterling leaned over me and whispered, "What happened?". I looked down at her, then back up at Sterling.

"Her and Joe broke up". Sterling looked taken aback, leaning back into his seat. On paper, they were the perfect couple. Best friends for the longest time, got on so well together...then all of a sudden this? I wanted to go talk to Joe – to yell at him – but it was late and it would have to wait till the morning.

The car pulled up outside my house and I started to open my door but Sterling got to his first, already helping Demi out the car. He slung her arm over his shoulder and walked up to my front door. I rushed ahead and fumbled with the keys in the lock, holding the door open for him. "Where will I put her?", he asked, beginning to struggle as Demi became a dead weight. I showed him through to my room and told him to put her down on the bed. I pulled off her shoes and tucked her under the covers, the walked out of the room shutting the door behind me.

Sterling stood in the hall behind me, hesitating slightly. There was a moment of silence before he handed me a small bit of paper, "Um...that's my number. You know, in case you need anything tonight", I smiled and took the bit of paper from him. Even in the dark I could see him blush. We walked over to the door and said goodnight. I watched him until he got back into the car and drove off.

Closing the door, I grabbed some spare blankets from the linen closet and headed onto the couch, pulling out my phone as I did, keying in Sterling's number and typing out, _'Thank You x'. _I paused, closing my eyes, I hit send. I was snuggling down on the couch wrapping the blankets over me when the reply came. '_No problem xx', _my heart leapt slightly and I smiled into the darkness, falling into a dreamless sleep.

I woke the next morning far earlier than I would have liked, the morning sun streaming though the window and blinding me. I looked at the clock. _8 am?_ I shuddered and pushed myself to a sitting position on the couch, wrapping the blankets around my shoulders. I picked my phone off the coffee table, wanting to see if last nights message from Sterling was a dream. Instead, I found myself looking at several missed calls and text's. They were all from Nick asking where I was and if I was still at the party. I was halfway through texting him back an essay when I remembered I was mad at him and deleted the whole thing and wrote instead, _'Fine. Went home'. _At least he would know I was okay, without showing up on my doorstep this morning.

I went to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee, taking my phone with me so I could read Sterling's text again...and again...and again. It was such a small text, but my eyes were focusing on the two little crosses as the end of it.

I poured two cups of coffee and walked through to my room with them. Demi was sitting up in bed staring at the wall. "Hey", I said softly. She smiled slightly and took the cup out of my hand. I crawled up onto the bed next to her and just sat. It was a long time before she said anything to me.

"He said he thinks we were better as friends", she said, not looking at me. "I don't even know why...what I did...", she trailed off, taking deep breaths, trying to calm herself. I picked the now empty cup out of her hand and placed them both on the end table. Demi curled up into my side and began crying heavy, heart wrenching sobs. She may have seemed cold and hard on the outside – but on the inside she was just as vulnerable and emotional as I was. She cried until there was nothing left and eventually fell back off to sleep.

I grabbed some clothes out of my dresser and headed into a quick shower, using the other bathroom instead on my en suite. I didn't want to wake Demi up – she looked like she could use the rest. I dressed quickly and headed out in my car.

Pulling up in front of the house, I stormed out to the front door, banging loudly. It only took a few minuter for me to work up a temper. There was no answer, so I banged louder, shouting out, "Joseph Adam Jonas open this door right now!". I heard footsteps and someone fumbling with the lock. Joe appeared on the other side of the door, looking tired and confused. I barged into the living room not wanting to cause a scene in the street.

"So I guess you heard about me and Demi", he said, leaning on the arm of his couch. I turned on him.

"Heard? Heard! I was the one who had to take her home last night after she got paralytic at an even where you broke up with her!". I paced up and down the room a couple of times, trying to rain the anger in. "What happened?".

Joe hesitated at first but then told me how Demi had changed over the past few weeks. "I mean, she went from being my best friend to some jealous girl that constantly text me and had to know my every move. I missed the cool girl I used to know. The person she is now – that's not the one I care for. I just felt that if it went on any longer there would be no hope of recovering our friendship at the end of it. And I don't want to lose her from my life".

I calmed a little, knowing exactly how jealous Demi was getting. Any female within a five foot radius of Joe was in danger of Demi's wrath. Plus Joe looked sad right now and I was as much his friend as her – more even. I sat down opposite him.

"But why break up at a public event?", I asked. It wasn't Joe's style, to purposely publicly humiliate someone.

"She is going away in two days to South America and I'll be gone by the time she gets back. I didn't want to drag it out any longer", he said shrugging. I still didn't understand why it had to be last night but then, I never really had understood the minds of the Jonai.

We sat about talking for a while about the night before, sticking to the lighter subjects, like Joe's ridiculous dancing. When he asked me about Nick, I changed the subject, not really in the mood to discuss _that _barrel of fun. "He really cares for you, you know", Joe told me. I shrugged and picked at the cuff of my sweater.

"That's the problem – I don't know", I said, sighing, "How are you supposed to know how much someone likes you when their constantly on dates with other people?", I asked.

"It's just part of the game, you know its all for PR", he said. _I hated games_.

After an hour, I decided to head back and check on Demi. Joe hesitated at the door. "Were okay, aren't we. This isn't going to affect us in any way?". I was surprised by how concerned he looked, so I leaned in to hug him.

"'Course not", and I headed off back to my car. As I climbed into the seat, my phone went off.

_'Would you like to go on a date with me this Friday?'_. It was from Sterling. I didn't even think about it as I sent the reply.

_'I'd love to x'._


	32. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

I was so nervous about the date. Sterling was sweet but I hadn't actually been on a date before without already knowing the person quite well. This was going to be...interesting. I spent a lot of time on my hair and make-up but decided to go quite casual with the clothes, choosing a pair of blue jeans and a long tank top. It looked okay – but I wasn't sure where we would go. With Nick I always felt the need to dress up as he usually took me somewhere that jeans would be unacceptable. But somehow I got the feeling that Sterling would dislike those sort of places as much as I did.

I paced my living room nervously for a few moments when I heard a car pulling up. I quickly checked my purse and then myself just as the doorbell rang. When I opened I, Sterling stood grinning at me. "Emma, you look..hot?", he said. I laughed and he joined in. "I'm glad that's acceptable talk for this date", he said leading me down to the car. Sterling was wearing a jeans and a t-shirt – suddenly I felt a lot more comfortable.

He held his car door open for me and I sat for the few awkward, uncomfortable seconds alone in the car while he walked around to his side. The first thing he did was turn the radio on, but trued it down low so we could talk over it. Things were quiet between us and I started to wonder if this had been a mistake. "So...where are we going?", I said, trying to break the quiet.

Sterling grinned, not taking his eyes off the road. "Just a little place I found with the most amazing food. I think you'll like it". We drove for a lot longer, me having no idea where we were going. But the car ride was fun – Sterling chatted away easily about his family and friends, about work and the music on the radio. He was easy to talk to, easy to get along with. I couldn't help comparing this to Nick – who sometimes was too quiet and introverted.

He pulled up to a parking lot behind a bunch of buildings and we both got out of the car. Walking along side by side felt kind of awkward. I didn't know if we should have been holing hands or linking arms. Instead I folded my arms across my chest to stop them hanging strangely at the side of my body. I didn't like feeling this...out of place. We walked through a small ally way and the view took my breath away. We were on a pier overlooking the ocean. It was amazing, breath taking actually. I stood with my mouth open for a good thirty seconds before Sterling said, "Told you you'd like it. Welcome to Venice Beach". I turned and smiled at him, not quite sure what to say.

He led me to a small restaurant where we sat at an outside table, tucked comfortably in a corner. It was a cosy spot, with the view of the ocean to my right and Sterling to my left. I couldn't stop smiling and eventually found my voice now that the shock had worn off. "Yeah...its aight", I said, shrugging casually. He laughed and I joined in.

I went for my usual dish of pasta and Sterling got a sea food mix. We ordered drinks and resumed our chat, this time going deeper. I talked about how hard it had been being away from all my family and friends – the loneliness I sometimes felt. I found that Sterling could sympathise. "Yeah, when I first moved out here, it was just me. Okay, my family lived a little bit closer", I laughed, "But, it gets easier after a while. With good friends around you, everything seems easier". He smiled at me then looked at my hand, which was resting on the table. I watched his inch forward slowly towards mine, just before the waiter put out plates down on the table causing us both to jump back.

We thanked the waiter and grinned sheepishly at each other. I dug into my pasta and he into a giant, dead crab. I watched uneasily as he mutilated one of its legs, cracking it open. I flinched at he sound and he looked up. "What's wrong?", he leaned forward, putting down the dead thing.

"Nothing. Just not much of a seafood person". It wasn't a lie – I hated all seafood. I just couldn't stand the texture of it...flakes did not feel good. I eyed the crab again and he laughed.

"Emma, this is already dead...it wont attack you". I pulled a face at him.

"No, it's not that. Its just...", I trailed off, unwilling to share my crazy childhood story of why I hated seafood so much. Sterling looked at my plate and frowned. He slowly seemed to be putting two and two together but came up with seven.

"Oh, you're not a vegetarian, are you?", I followed his gaze down to my plate and noticed it was just sauce, pasta and vegetables.

"No! No, nothing like that. I just don't really like my food to watch me while I eat it", I said indicating to his plate. The crab seemed still to be watching me from his plate. Sterling reached out and grabbed the wine menu and placed it in front of his dish, blocking it from my view.

"Better?". I nodded,

"Much", He laughed and shook his head, continuing to eat his dead thing and me, my pasta. It wasn't just the whole watching you while you eat it thing that put me off food. Lately a bad habit from when I was younger was reappearing. I thought about where the food I was eating came from. This wasn't so much of a problem while eating fruit or vegetables but when it got to things like chicken or pork. Eggs were the worst – being served them sunny side up the day before after two bites I almost threw up. Since I was out with Selena, I hid them under the napkins, not wanting to cause a scene. It took me a long time to deal with it when I was younger and was brought on through stress. I just needed to work on that and everything would be fine – at least, that's what I was telling myself.

We finished our meals and the desert menu was brought around, both of us deciding to split a warm cookie dough desert. Normally I had a rule about sharing food: I didn't. But I'd make an exception for Sterling, he was cute.

After dinner, I was stuffed and sort of sleepy. We walked along the board walk, watching the sun slowly set. I felt like this couldn't be real life – it had to be some sort of movie, because these moments were too perfect to actually happen.

We stopped at a railing and looked out to the sea and when I shivered slightly he took off his jacket and placed it round my shoulders leaving his hand on the small of my back. I let it rest there, thinking about how nice it felt, then slowly my mind slipped back to Nick. I had been comparing Sterling to him subconsciously all night and I didn't like it. It wasn't fair. _Oh crap, I'm going to have to have the talk. _I turned to him, preparing myself for this.

"Sterling, you have no idea how amazing tonight has been", I started. I didn't know what to say so took a deep breath and stared out over his shoulder instead of those clear blue eyes. "But, I should probably tell you...I'm sort of, well I have been, in an open relationship with this guy the past few weeks...months". When Sterling didn't say anything I looked up at him. He was watching every emotion that flickered across my face.

"Oh...I see. Well then I should probably tell you, I'm not really an open relationship kind of person". I nodded.

"Neither am I", I said sadly. Sterling reached out and took my hand. "Just so you know", I said looking up at him, "I wouldn't have told you, if I hadn't thought that tonight showed promise". He laughed and pulled me into him, hugging me close. I was tense at first but relaxed into him, sliding my arms around his waist, turning my face into his neck. The sun finally disappeared over the horizon, leaving us in the twilight. He took my hand and led me back to the car, holding the door open when we reached it.

We were both pretty quiet on the drive home, letting the radio fill the car with noise instead of us. I could see that Sterling was deep in thought and didn't want to disturb him. We pulled up to the front of my house all to quickly and Sterling even walked me to the door. I hadn't remembered a time when Nick walked me after a date...or held my hand in public...or – I mentally shook myself, not wanting to be dragged into this cycle.

"I had a really, really good time tonight, Emma", he said,holding both my hands in his. I smiled.

"Me too. It was such a perfect night". Sterling leaned down and kissed my gently on the lips. I was surprised at first but soon leaned in to deepen it – but was disappointed when he pulled back, winking and smiling at me.

"Goodnight, Emma", I grinned back.

"Night". He walked to his car and me to my house. I had barely closed the door when I squealed and danced about my house getting ready for bed. Some signature Taylor Swift head banging moves were used- much to my own danger, when I tripped over a jumper lying on the floor. Picking it up, I realised that it was the black one Nick had given me in New York.

My elated mood crashed in a moment. My first instinct was to text Nick- but I repressed it. Instead I climbed into bed and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of sunset walks.

My phone buzzed in the darkness and looking at the clock, I saw it was 2.37am. I groaned picking up the phone, staring at the message.

_Okay, I've thought about this all night. I like you a lot and I had an amazing time tonight – but I just can't do the whole open relationship thing. I think we really have something between us – after just one date I feel a connection with you I've never felt with any girl. I'm not going to ask you to choose one person but you know how I feel about it. Sorry, I know it's late..._

_Sterling x _

Suddenly I was wide awake.


	33. Say Something

**Say Something**

I woke up when it was still dark. Looking at the clock, I realised I'd barely had 5 hours most of which were filled with restless sleep anyway. I lay still, staring at the celling, watching the sun rise on my roof, all the while thinking. Sterling wanted to be with me. But he didn't want me to be with Nick. I wanted to be with Sterling but I still cared deeply for Nick. Nick wanted me - most of the time - but was also with Nicole. By the time the sun had fully risen, my head hurt and my heart was heavy. I had made up my mind but it was killing me. One of them had to go - and I knew exactly which one.

I slid out of bed and towards the kitchen, my feet feeling like lead, almost as if my body knew why was coming and was trying to slow it down as much as possible. I grabbed a coffee and went through to the living room and just sat. The sun rose higher in the sky, my coffee grew cold. But I still couldn't find the will to move, to do what had to be done.

I knew he would be getting home from his morning meeting soon and would possibly be the only time in the day I would catch him. Half of me wanted to put it off, to never have to go through with this. But I had to. It wasn't fair to me or him.

I went of and got ready, heading out to the car. I was struggling to start the car, with the death march playing in my head and my heart beating slowly along to it. I kept telling myself it was for the best, the only way.

Pulling out onto the street, I headed off towards his house feeling guilty about giving him no warning. But at the same time, we hadn't spoke in almost a week - surely that was warning enough? My stomach ached with anticipation with at I was about to do. Considering I'd broken up with my last boyfriend through text, I considered this leaps and bounds in the maturity department. But Nick deserved it face to face – he deserved a reason – which I was struggling to find. I wasn't too sure that "_I've found someone better"_, would go down too well.

All too soon I found myself at the front of his house. It was now or never. I had to do this. Willing myself out of the car, I walked towards his front door, my heart hammering in my chest. Every now and then, there was a slight stab of pain, but I pushed back the panic attack that was trying to conquer me. I needed to do this. I rang the bell and a small part of me hoped that he was out. But that hope was quickly squashed when he opened the door.

"Hello, Nick. Can we talk?". Nick looked surprised to see me but let me in all the same. He lead me into the kitchen, me being well aware of his parents rules about girls in the bedroom. Also, his room would seem like far too private a place to do that in. I didn't want to leave him with bad memories in his sanctuary.

We sat down at the kitchen table but I didn't know where to start. So he did.

"I'm so sorry, Emma. You have every right to be mad at me. But I promise soon, it'll just be me and you". I looked up at him.

"So the Nicole thing is just for work?", I asked and he nodded. "Does she know that?". Nick shuffled in his seat uncomfortably.

"Well, nobody has spelled it out to her in so many words...but she gets the idea of it". I stared at him.

"_Gets the idea? _Really, Nick, because I don't think she is", I replied, angrily. I was so pissed of at this boy – _these boys – _dragging girls along for a ride, just to be cut off when the hype died down."I went on a date last night", I blurted out. I didn't know where it came from. Maybe all this talk about Nicole was making me jealous and I wanted him to know the feeling. Apparently it worked, because his forehead creased into a frown instantly.

"Is this why you're here? To talk about you're date?", he asked slowly. I nodded, the guilty feeling washing back over me, a nauseous feeling creeping into my stomach. "Well forgive me if I don't seem too enthusiastic about it", he said, rather sarcastically. He looked away from me and I knew he was concealing the hurt in his eyes. This was getting harder by the minute to go through with.

"I didn't come to talk about the details – just to talk...about us". His head snapped back to look at me, no longer hiding his emotions, my breath caught in my throat.

"You're breaking up with me". I was shocked he had reached that conclusion so quickly, saddened that it has been posed as a statement, not a question. I felt awkward and uncomfortable in a moment, my gaze glued to the floor. "Emma, look at me", Nick told me and my gaze was drawn to his. "Why?", he said softly.

Tears began to swim in my eyes, as there was no point denying what I had come to do. "This guy that I went on the date with...he wants to be with me – just me. He doesn't want to play games, or have on public relationship and one private. And I _need_ that. This – thing – that we have, it's not good for either of us and it's ruining any chance of a friendship we could have. He asked me to choose, between him and you. And I've made my choice". It all seemed to come tumbling out at once – I would have been very surprised if he understood it all.

He looked away again, a rainbow of emotions flicking across his face at once. Hurt, anger, confusion, I watched them all as the time ticked slowly by. His hand was covering his mouth and I watched as he bit the side of his finger. I didn't want to move, couldn't. I was frozen in my seat, waiting for him to say something – anything. Tension was building in my chest. This was why I didn't do confrontations – I was horrible at them and went into panic mode.

"Nick, please...say something", I begged.

Nick turned to me, gave me one long, hard look, got up of his seat and left me alone in the silence. I heard his footsteps carry all the way upstairs and his bedroom door shut behind him. And it was over.

I held everything back, everything that was fighting its way to the surface and left the house, quietly shutting the door behind me. I zoned out for most of the drive home, not really aware of where I was going, but suddenly found myself back in my house.

I sent a text off to Sterling just saying that it wasn't fair – but I was willing to give it a shot with him. Then I crawled back into bed and just let it all go.


	34. The Show Must Go On

**The Show Must Go On**

The next few days were sad, lonely ones. I felt like everyone had left me after JONAS had wrapped. Sterling was away with his family, Demi was in South America performing, Selena was in Monaco filming a movie, Joe in Africa visiting charities and Nick was in London. Not that Nick probably would have talked to me had he been here. I didn't get why friends thought I wasn't allowed to be sad after the break-up. Sure, it was me that ended things but it didn't make it hurt any less.

I had known for a few weeks that Nick would be in London, performing on the West End. It was one of my favourite books - Les Misérables – that he would be performing in. I couldn't help think that if we hadn't broken up, I probably would have went with him to London, could have gone home and visited my friends and family then watch him perform.

I tried to push the thought to the back of my mind and deal with the situation I was faced with. And that was that I was going to be alone for the next couple of weeks until either Demi of Sterling came back. I felt restless, looking about my house. I knew I still had boxes full of crap in my spare room that I could finally get round to unpacking – but it didn't feel right. After almost 4 months of living here, I still didn't want to be here.

The moment I realised this, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I sat down at my laptop and looked up houses for sale in the surrounding areas. Okay, so I didn't have enough to buy a house outright – but I had enough saved to put a sizeable down payment on one.

After I found a couple within the same company, I called up to arrange viewings. I was surprised when they asked if I was available today – but then again, it was a recession, and they were pretty pricey homes. I said I would meet them at their offices in an hour and headed off to get ready. I decided on dress trousers and a casual top. I didn't know why – but it felt like a mature thing, buying your own home...even though I had lived on my own for ages now.

When I arrived at the offices, a lovely woman who went by Mrs. Rowland's, met me. She had a warm, motherly feel about her. I named off the listings I had looked at, and she recommended a couple others with similar styles and we headed out.

House shopping felt a bit like clothes shopping – you knew instantly from trying it on weather or not you would actually buy it. Most of the houses Mrs Rowland showed me were like that – I knew instantly it wasn't a right fit. But out of niceties, I still let her show me around, nodding politely at various architectural points she made note of. I thought it would be a bit strange to tell her the house didn't feel like it fit.

We spent a lot of the afternoon in this fashion and I was beginning to get tired and frustrated. Nothing seemed right and I started to wonder if I was going to be stuck in that house forever. The houses all seemed to dark, crowded and inexplicably all seemed to have fireplaces that would never be used. I wanted something bigger, with air to breath – not a low vaulted celling with wooden beams.

We stopped for coffee me no longer knowing if I was in Berkeley or Bel Air, giving up all hope. Today was seeming like such a waste of time. It was when we passed a house, and I stopped the car that I knew. I had found it.

It was a two story home with white brick walls, surrounded by a beautiful garden. The for sale sign sitting on the grass had the companies logo on it. "Can we look at this one?", I asked, the now shocked Mrs Rowland at the sudden stop I had made.

She made a few calls and within half an hour, we were inside. It was beautiful. The home opened onto a large open plan living room, with a staircase on the far wall. The living room roof was two stories high, giving the impression of plenty of air. To my right was the kitchen, all done in light airy colours – not the dark granite I had viewed in every other house. In the kitchen there was a breakfast table for informal meals, but it opened up to a more formal dining room, which overlooked the back yard. I followed this hall round to the only room that had a door on it. I pushed it open and knew instantly that this house was mine. It would have probably been a study to begin with, but the current owners had turned it into a library. Books lined the shelves, enclosing several comfortable chairs and a coffee table. There was a bay window on the back wall with a seat in it, also overlooking the garden.

I didn't feel the need to look at the other rooms, but did so anyway. The master bedroom had its own en suite and two spare rooms with a shared bathroom. Three bedrooms seemed a lot more than I needed, being only one person living here. But the rest of the house was perfect. I wanted it.

"Would you like to make an offer?", Mrs Rowland asked me. I nodded dumbly at her, smiling around at the home.

I walked out onto the side walk, looking up and down the street. My heart caught in my throat...it couldn't be, could it? Sitting on the corner of a vertical running street, there it stood, the turret being the most noticeable feature of that home. I looked up at what I was already referring to as my house, then back down at the other. How on earth had I managed to pick the one home where the Jonas' house was visible from the front garden. Every morning when I got in my car, I would be able to see his home.

How was it even possible that I hadn't even noticed where we were? I sat down on the grass, hugging my legs to me. I had to decide if I could live with the Jonai as my neighbours. The house was amazing...but it would seem abnormal moving practically onto the same street days after I broke up with him. I made a decision – I would wait to see if the owners accepted my bid – which was slightly less than asking price – and if they did...well that was that, really.

It only took three days for the deal to go through – the owners having had the house on the market for some considerable time, were more than happy to get rid of it. The beauty of never having unpacked my things, was that it required very little effort on my part to clear up and move out. I was sad when I left the house for the last time. There was a few fond memoires in that place and I hated change in general. But this was good change – I knew I would be happier in the new home and was grateful for it.

I pulled up behind the removals van, and watched as two gorilla's of men unloaded all my stuff, leaving it in the living room as requested. It was still pretty early but I wanted to get started. I was anxious to get all my stuff into its right place, which I took to be a good sign. However, before I started putting my things away, I dragged everything into the center of every room and got out several cans of white paint.

I couldn't remember where I read it or who said it, but I remember it saying that they always painted all their walls white after moving into a new home, until they knew what colour they should be. Somehow, to me, it made sense. Anyway, staring at the white walls couldn't be worse than the bland cream colour that everything was painted in at the moment.

I pulled my hair back, turned on some music, and began. It was therapeutic watching all the colour disappear out of all the rooms - like a blank page in a journal, waiting for me to make it mine. I didn't know how long I was painting for, but did notice an increase in hunger and also an increase on the amount of paint I seemed to have on myself. It always baffled me as to how I ended up with so much on myself, no matter how careful I was.

I stood back, admiring my work as the doorbell rang. I stood confusedly staring at the door for a few moments – I hadn't told anyone bar Sterling that I had moved and I knew he wasn't home yet. I put down the brush, turned off the music and went to answer the door. "Mrs Jonas!", I exclaimed as I realised who it was. Probably one of the last people I had expected to turn up.

"Hi sweetie", she said smiling at me. Strange – I thought she would dislike me after the break-up. I let her into the house and she handed me a basket of muffins. "I heard we had a new neighbour and thought I'd come along and welcome you", she said, still smiling. I was feeling awkward and uncomfortable and was finding it had to return the smile. I instead focused on the muffins.

"Yeah, thanks for these, they look delicious", I said walking through to the kitchen. Mrs Jonas followed me through, asking about the house. "I just thought it was time for a move", I said to her, "I honestly didn't realise it was so close till after I fell in love with it. I would have visited...but...", I trailed off, feeling more awkward now than before.

Mrs Jonas took both my hands and looked at me, "Honey, you will always be welcome in my home, even though things didn't work out between you and Nick". Something like relief flooded through me. It had been one of the hardest parts about breaking up with Nick – losing his family as well. I smiled back at her, feeling any tension disappear.

We talked about various things – what I had been up to, how Nick and Joe were both getting on, Frankie and his school work. It was nice and well needed. When we talked about the family, it felt as though I belonged somewhere, had people to care about. I mean I did have Sterling – but it was a different kind of caring with a family. I missed my own so much, that I was willing to substitute them with the Jonas clan.

After an hour, Mrs Jonas said she had to head back. I told her I should probably get on with the painting, looking about the half finished rooms. She smiled, "If you want, I could come over tomorrow and help you? I could bring Frankie as well - you know how much he loves to make a mess", I smiled at her.

"Yeah, I'd really like that". We arranged for her to come back at 10 am and I watched as she walked back down the street. Sitting on my plastic covered couch, I mulled over how weird the past couple of days had been. The stress of finding a house, moving and know being back in the Jonas' lives...last week I hadn't expected any of this – hadn't planned for it. But sometimes, things just happen for a reason.

34 Chapters? I'm surprised I'm still enjoying writing this...but I am, and mainly its because of the lovely comments everyone makes on the chapters, urging me to continue. So I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has ever commented- but especially to XxRikela-ChanxX, NickJForever and iheartcsinewyork – who have all commented on almost every chapter since the beginning. You all rock!


	35. What Could Have Been

**What Could Have Been**

I woke up pretty confused as to where I was the next morning, having spent the first night in my new home. Before my bedroom windows had been on the right side, now they were on the left and for some reason the sun hitting me the opposite way really disorientated me.

Mrs Jonas and Frankie came over as planned and it lightened the mood considerably. Not only did the work get done twice as quickly but Frankie was very animated, keeping us both amused. By 1pm we had finished all of downstairs and stopped for lunch. The only problem was, "Your cupboards are empty!", Mrs Jonas exclaimed. I walked over to where she stood, opening up the one next to her.

"That's not true – look", I said, showing her a box of cereal and a jar of coffee, "All the essentials", and I grinned. Mrs Jonas just shook her head. Yeah okay, so I didn't really eat at home. I wasn't sure what the big deal was about not buying food that I wasn't going to eat.

"Come on, I've got plenty of things to make a proper lunch". I hesitated – I was pretty hungry, but the last time I was in that house...it just didn't hold very good memories for me. I was still stood in the kitchen when Mrs Jonas had Frankie ready and was waiting by the door.

"Really Mrs Jonas, you don't have to...", I said, feeling reluctant to follow. She just smiled at me, leaving me the choice to either explain or follow. I grabbed my keys, to much of a coward to bring up the real reason – to talk about him. It still hurt. As we walked down the street, Mrs Jonas turned to me,

"You know, sweetie, I think we're a bit past the Mrs Jonas thing. Feel free to call me Denise if you want". I must have pulled a face, because she laughed and said, "or not". It wasn't that I didn't think we were past it, just calling her Denise sounded strange...like calling your Mom by her first name. We walked on quietly, Frankie running ahead of us.

"Um...how about Momma J instead?", I said to her. I knew from a fan point of view, this is what they referred to her as - what I used to refer to her as. It felt more normal than calling her by her first name. She smiled and nodded,

"If you want". We were at the front of their house before I knew it. I looked over my shoulder and saw my own home sitting quite comfortably on the grass. This was still weird, being so close. I tried to squash the butterflies that were currently fluttering in my stomach, reminding myself that he was 3000 miles away.

Momma J made some sandwiches – and I tried to get used to calling her Momma J. It was strange but it looked like she smiled every time I said this – but I couldn't be sure. We sat at the kitchen table and I couldn't help replaying the scene in my mind, of Nick walking away from me. My eyes gazed about the room, as if watching it unfold in front of me.

After lunch, Frankie asked me to play video games with him, and since it was a good distraction, I willingly agreed. He kicked my butt – as usual – at some shooting game that I'd heard was all the rage with the male gender.

After kicking my butt a few times more, Momma J and Mammie and Pappy J came to watch us, but asked that we played a less violent game. Frankie pulled out sing-star and insisted that I played with him. I protested at first – I wasn't all that great a singer. I had been part of a band back home, but stuck to guitar and back-up vocals. I chose a nice easy pop song that didn't stretch the vocal range too much – knowing that anything else would be a total fail for me. I didn't do too badly, getting a 92%, impressive by my standards. I couldn't help think what it would be like to do karaoke with one of the boys.

Momma J commented on the singing saying I was good – but it was defiantly said with motherly tones. I was okay with that though – I liked her treating me like part of the family. The conversation turned to Nick and how he was getting on in London and I sat quietly on the edge of the couch, feeling uncomfortable. Frankie had went off to his room to get ready for going out for dinner.

"Yes, he should be doing his chat in about an hour", Mammie J said. I pulled up my head sharply.

"That's today?", I asked. Mammie J nodded kindly but I couldn't help but see the knowing look that passed between the two older women. A mix of pity and excitement. I didn't stay long after that.

As I walked up to the street, back to my home – still mildly amused that I could just now walk up the street – I debated watching the chat. It would be like pouring salt into an open wound – painful and unnecessary. As four O'clock ticked nearer, I found myself at the computer, looking at Cambio. I wasn't going to watch it, I kept telling myself. It wouldn't end well. I could already feel the sadness welling in the pit of my stomach – the acute sense of loss, lying like an illness. I wanted to be sick, curl up in a ball and just cry all at the same time.

My breath actually caught in my throat when the chat started. I had forgotten how beautiful he looked, how funny he was and just how much I missed him in my life. I also noticed an improvement in his voice, which I didn't think possible. He seemed older – more mature. I didn't know that I liked it. He talked about his Les Mis cast and how much fun he was having and I couldn't help but be jealous. I wanted to be there with him making him happy – not some other people.

When he started to sing, I almost cried. It was something he had never done in front of me the entire time we were together, and I couldn't help but wonder why he never shared that part of himself with me – why he never let me all the way in. Maybe he just didn't care enough? It hurt to think that. His new song he called London Foolishly, was beautifully tragic. It was prefect, yet sad. A small part of me wondered what he thought of when he wrote it and was it of me. Egotistical much?

I couldn't take it when he sung Make It Right. "This...this song means a lot to me right now. Its sort of a real life situation that I left behind...", Nick said, telling the world. About me? About Nicole – who I'd also heard had been told that he wanted to be just friends with. I watched in awe as he sung, his heart open to the world as he let his emotions run freely. I was glued as he sung the chorus,

_Maybe I Could have loved you,  
Maybe I could have shown,  
That I still do care about you,  
More than you could know,  
Don't say it's to late to try,  
To make it right._

It took me a full two minutes after he stopped singing to realise that I was crying. He was talking about the yellow bag song and I couldn't help but laugh in wonder at this amazing person I was watching. For a moment, I was back to my own fan girl self, completely captivated by a person I felt I knew nothing about. It had only been a couple of weeks – but Nick had changed.

I ached for him, in a way I had never in my life. I needed him – wanted him. I took a deep breath, feeling like my world was closing in on me. My chest was tight and I needed air. No, I needed Nick but the air would have to do. I left the chat running and went out into the back yard, lying down on the grass.

A tree in my garden shaded me from the sun and there was a light, warm breeze flowing around me. I felt dizzy, like the world was spinning too quickly. Suddenly I was questioning everything, but especially letting go of Nick. What if he found someone else out there, someone who was inspiring all these amazing songs? I felt a stab of loss and regret.

I rolled over onto my stomach and walked back into the house, feeling light headed, just as Nick was saying good bye. So soon? Almost an hour I had watched him for but it had seemed like minutes.

I shut off the computer and went about with the rest of my night, grabbing something quick to eat, then playing about with furniture. As I was cosying up into bed, my phone went off. For a moment I thought it might of been Nick but this was replaced with a flood of guilt when I realised it was Sterling. "_Hey, just got back. Wanna do something tomorrow_?". I read the text, frowning slightly. I was irritated and I didn't know why.

"Sure sounds good", I sent back. I was looking forward to seeing Sterling – I hadn't been with him in almost two weeks. And he was nice – a really nice guy. I slid down in the bed, thought of Sterling stirring in my head.

But it was Nick who occupied my dreams.


	36. Can't Stop This Thing We've Started

**Can't Stop This Thing We've Started**

Sterling came over at lunch the next day. I had never been on a date during the day before and was finding the experience somewhat strange. "So, what did you have in mind for today?", I asked, still folded in his arms. I felt his shoulders lift in a shrug.

"Whatever you want to do is fine with me", he said. I pulled back from him, unsure. I had never been out with a guy before who didn't want to make the decisions. I stood for a moment, taken aback as I tried to figure out what to do. Looking out the window, I saw it was a pretty nice day, so I hesitated and said,

"Um...well we could go to the beach or something". He smiled at me and said what ever I wanted was fine and I headed upstairs to get a bathing suit. I was a little bit – okay, a lot bit – insecure about the bikini I pulled out. What 19 year old wasn't freaked out about their body? I chose to pack the bikini but also grabbed a kaftan as well, to cover myself up. There was no way I was parading my size 6 body next to these size 2 and under girls...it just wasn't going to happen!

We walked out to his car and I climbed in - holding the door open for myself. The radio was playing lightly in the back ground and I sung along to a couple of tunes. For some reason, I was finding it hard to talk to Sterling today. Maybe It was the whole about-to-see-me-half-naked thing, I was worried about. But whatever it was, most of the journey was spent in silence.

When we got out and headed towards the sand, Sterling walked close to me, his arm bumping into mine, until eventually he grabbed my hand. I was a little bit shocked at first – the he could just walk around holding my hand. It was then that I remembered that this was what normal couples did – not keep things secrets and pretend you're not dating. Nick was quickly pushed to the back of my mind as I began to remember all the reasons I broke up with him in the first place.

I liked this – walking on the beach, holing hands...it was nice. We found a spot away from most crowds and sat down on the blanket I had packed. The sun was hot and the sand hotter, so I pulled out the sun cream and started to cover myself. I was Scottish – we got sun approximately 4 days a year. If I didn't cover up I would be bright red within an hour. Sterling took over from me when I had to get my back. I flinched at first when his hands touched me but relaxed into it quickly...he was quite good at the whole massage thing.

We lay back on the sheet and just talked about the past couple of weeks. I talked about moving home and he about his family trip. "It was good, yeah. I love doing family stuff - but after a while they were beginning to drive me crazy", he said. I lay with my eyes closed, listening to him, making hmm noises every time there was a pause in the conversation. I didn't tell him about my trip to the Jonas house - or that Momma J had helped me paint...or that I watched my ex boyfriends live chat from London. Some things were just better not brought up. I mean, it couldn't hurt him if he didn't know, right?

After a while, we decided to head into the water to cool off and it was here that I finally was unable to unwind. We both acted like we were 12, trying to dunk each other in the water – making a lot of noise and soaking ourselves in the process. Eventually, Sterling caught me around the waist and picked me up, carrying me out into deeper water. I shrieked and squirmed, trying to get out of his grip, laughing so heard. He paused for a moment and looked me over. "Don't! Don't you dare!", I yelled at him. But it was too late – he dropped me into the ocean and I was fully submerged. By the time I found my feet, I knew it was time for revenge.

It was pretty hard to run in the water but I did my best and eventually grabbed onto his back and pulled him with me down into the water.

We tumbled about for a while – each of us fighting for dominance, until we were in shallower water. Sterling leaned over me, brushing my soaked hair back out of my face. I only had a moment to think he was about to kiss me, when his lips softly touched mine. We lay there, in half sand half water for a while until someone let out a low wolf whistle and I pulled back, burying my head in his chest.

"Um...listen", Sterling said and I instantly was. Nothing ever good came with a tone like that. I sat up and gave him my full attention. "I recently landed this movie role – and it amazing – a great opportunity. The only problem is, it films in Canada", he stopped talking and watched for my reaction.

I was happy for him – I hadn't even made an effort to look into new roles after JONAS wrapped. But Canada...was a very long way away. I tried to smile at him, "That's really great Sterling. And I mean, you'll have weekends off as well. Not that I'm saying you have to come back every weekend...but. It can work". Sterling visibly relaxed his shoulders, pushing some soaked hair out of my face.

"I'm glad you feel that way. For a minute I was worried", he smiled. "Wanna go grab something to eat?", he asked and I nodded. Sterling helped me up from the water and we both headed to the showers at the back of the beach. I was caked in sand, and it was going to take a while to wash it all off.

While showering, my mind wandered. Sterling told me he wasn't going to be around for a while. Right after he asked me to break up with someone else. I kept telling myself that that's probably not how it happened. He probably got the role right after we started dating. I wondered how much time I had left with him before he was off.

I finished up and we headed off to find somewhere to eat. It was late in the afternoon, so most places were pretty empty. As we were walking along, I glanced at a news stand, seeing Nicks picture. The accompanying article could have knocked me off my feet.

**Nick Jonas Dating Co-Star Lucie Jones**

I felt sick. I felt awful. I felt – I couldn't even describe how I felt. Looking at the pictures of Nick smiling and happy with this girl, looking like he had just entered a wet t-shirt contest. I had never seen that side of him. He looked so...unreserved. I was only when Sterling touched my hand, I realised I had come to a complete standstill, my mouth hanging wide open. I grabbed Sterling's hand, as tightly as I could praying I didn't fall over or something and walked alongside him until we chose a place to eat.

I just ordered a salad, not feeling hungry at all. I sat in silence, thinking about that picture over and over again. I couldn't get that image out of my mind. I pushed my food from side to side on the plate. I hadn't even attempted to take a bite of it. I hadn't even noticed Sterling was talking, until he waved a hand in front of my face.

"What?", I said looking up. Sterling pulled a face at me. "Sorry. I guess it just hit me, you know, that your leaving", I said, giving a weak smile. I felt bad for lying – but what was the alternative? I was positive that he didn't want to hear the truth as much as I didn't want to be feeling it. I added guilt to the list of things I was feeling. The look melted instantly.

"I'll miss you too". I nodded slowly, trying to convince myself this was normal to feel this way. I mean we had only been broken up, what, two weeks? Maybe three? It wasn't exactly the greatest amount of time to get over someone.

We finished up – me hiding the uneaten meal under my napkin – and headed back to the car. Sterling turned the radio on and I stared out of the window, lost in thought. I hadn't realised I had fallen into the old habit of biting the inside of my mouth until I heard Sterling laugh. I turned to him, eyebrows raised. "Why are you pulling those faces?", he asked. I shrugged, too tired to explain everything. I sighed a deep sigh and resumed my staring out the window. The car was filled with a heavy kind of tension.

Sterling walked me to the door, but I didn't feel like inviting him in. I just wanted my bed, feeling suddenly exhausted. As we reached the door, sterling grabbed my hand. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?", he asked, genuine concern spread across every feature of his face. It suddenly hit me – again – that this beautiful boy wanted to spend time with me, wanted me. And what was I doing? Thinking about the guy who wanted to keep me his dirty little secret? What the hell was wrong with me. I felt a rush of something – gratitude maybe – for Sterling. I leaned against him, burring my face into his shoulder.

"Yeah. Sorry, I've just been so tired with moving and everything. Sorry I was a bit of a downer today". Yes, it was another part truth- but I didn't exactly feel like he yet needed to know the whole truth. I looked up at him, closing the space in between out lips. It was a slow, soft kiss. Caring and intimate. I broke apart and headed into the house.

"Night Sterling", I said, leaning against the door frame.

"Night pretty girl". I smiled and watched as he drove off. There was this odd feeling in my chest, like I couldn't breath properly. I took a few gulps of air, but it was hot and stuffy and I knew that I was in for another bad nights sleep.


	37. Things Will Never Be The Same

**Things Will Never Be The Same**

"This is normal, right?", I asked Demi, who was lying next to me on her bedroom floor. She had gotten back from South America a few days before...around the same time that Sterling had left for Canada.

"Well I still do it with Joe", she said laughing. We were leaning over her laptop taking the term cyber stalking to a new level. I used to check up on my ex's a couple of times, but Nick being who he was, made that information so much more accessible! There were people cataloguing his every move...I was just accessing that information.

I had read up on his antics in London and was worried. I didn't want to see Nick with either girls he had been romantically linked to...although, I had to admit I didn't know who Lucie Jones was. It didn't take long to discover she had been a contestant on X Factor, a British version of American Idol. I also discovered that she had come in fourth place losing out to, "Jedward! Are you kidding me! They sucked, I remember them because they were so bad!", I said to Demi. "She must be a really shit singer to lose out to them", I said cattily. Demi looked at me, lost.

"What's a Jedward?". I laughed, then showed her the videos of them "performing". She sat silent after the first video ended. "Wow...well, that was...something alright", she said. We both looked at each other and burst out laughing.

We lay on the floor for almost ten minutes, tears streaming down our face. My ribs hurt by the time we had caught out breath. I hadn't laughed like this in what felt like weeks. My phoned buzzed and I rolled onto my back to look at it. It was a text from Mama Jonas.

"Nick was amazing last night. I told him you were asking for him". I read the text several times, feeling the blood rise in my cheeks. She told him I was asking for him? How would he take that? I looked at the clock - it was three in the afternoon, meaning it was eleven at night in the UK...so he had probably not long finished performing.

"What's up?", Demi asked, so I showed her the text. She pulled a face at me. "Oh so what. Its probably better he knows". I stared at her, not quite understanding.

"Knows what?". Demi shook her head in pity, but never answered my question. I read the text again, suddenly worried. I dialled some keys on my phone and waited until he picked up.

"Hi Sterling", I said while Demi pulled faces at me. "No nothings up, just wanted to check in. I've not heard from you in a few days. I miss you". And it was true. I did miss him. He was all I had had for the past few weeks and after spending almost every day together, it was weird to suddenly not have him around. He told me about the movie he was working on and how everything was going. It was good to hear his voice and talk to him about normal things, like discussing colours for my rooms. He was sweet and listened while I ranted. He was a good guy and a great boyfriend. I shut down the laptop in front of me that was shinning Nicks image at me.

"I'm home this weekend if you wanna do something?", he asked. "Maybe we could go catch a movie on Saturday or something?". I hesitated down the phone.

"Um...Joe is coming home on Friday, so we were going to go round to his house and have a sort of...get together". Silence met me on the other end of the line.

"Who's we?", he asked cautiously.

"Me and Demi. I'm at hers just now".

"OH! Okay I thought you meant...never mind. Well ill maybe just tag along with you, if you don't mind", Sterling said, sounding relieved and I wondered why. I hung up and planned dinner with Demi. It was only later that I realised he may have thought Nick was going to be there.

When we were out at dinner, Demi turned to me. "So are yo going to tell me what's up?", she asked seriously. I hesitated. I knew she would instantly side with Sterling if I told her what was really wrong, just for what Joe did to her. I shrugged, playing dumb instead.

"I have no idea what you're talking about", I said, pushing my food from one side of the plate to the other. I could see Demi pulling faces but I didn't address them. I couldn't talk about it, because it made me feel like a horrible person. I liked Sterling, I really did. But it wasn't enough. At least not now. I still missed him, still thought about him. At first I thought it was a natural thing, missing Nick because he had been such a permanent fix in my life for the past few month and now he suddenly wasn't around. But I was starting to wonder if it was more than that. More like regret for making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I sighed deeply. Demi looked up at me.

"I'll tell you, when I figure it out myself", I told her. She nodded, smiling at me. Like acknowledging there was a problem was the right move. It didn't feel right to me. I zoned in and out as Demi continued her rant against Joe. She had at least gotten past the depressed stage – but was now at the angry as hell stage. It was refreshing, to hear her talk with such passion about anything. Even if it was to bad mouth one of my best friends. I let it slide though, knowing that she didn't mean it. She was just as nervous about having to see Joe as I was Sterling.

We paid for dinner and headed out, undecided about what to do. We milled about until deciding to head back to hers. Demi didn't like being alone. Her younger sister, Dad and Mom were away so Madison could do a couple of auditions in Texas and her older sister Dallas was, in Demi's words, 'beyond help'. I didn't want to think about what that meant, so let it slide.

At Demi's we sat about listening to music. She tried to shock me with her music selection – System of a Down was her choice. What she failed to realise was that I didn't mind them and found myself singing along. They were a music selection from my darker past but didn't feel the need to mention that to her. Eventually, when she realised I wasn't that bothered about her choices, she floated towards more main stream which was equally fine.

It was getting late and I was hinting at heading home, when Demi turned to me. "Well...I mean you could always just sleep over. If you want, I mean. If you're up early or anything tomorrow, its cool...". I was taken aback. I had never seen Demi so...vulnerable before. It must be quite lonely for someone who wasn't used to being alone to be left alone a lot. I was used to it – even enjoyed the solitude but I knew that Demi was a social butterfly, as much as she wanted to pretend other wise. The difference about sociable people and unsociable ones was the unsociable ones didn't flaunt it as a triumph, they hid it as a failure. I had gotten good at hiding things lately.

I borrowed a pair of Demi's PJ's and settled in for the night. The room was quiet, both of us presumably thinking about our own situations. It was a restless night.


	38. Crash Course In Polite Conversations

**Crash Course In Polite Conversations**

Demi came over to mine on the Friday to get ready. She was nervous. Ridiculously so. She hadn't sat still for more than two minutes and had consumed a large amount of the vodka that she had brought round with her. I didn't ask where she had gotten it from. I had had a couple of drinks myself, but the years had taught me to pace myself. I took a drink from my glass, slowly watching Demi throw back another shot. I offered her some food, but she didn't want any. I grabbed a handful of chips and ate them, still eyeing Demi, who was now attempting to put eye liner on. After the second smudge, I grabbed it out of her hand and drew the line for her.

"You know, not to sound patronising...but maybe you wanna slow down a bit?", I said to her. She looked at me blankly. "Never mind", I muttered. There was a knock from downstairs then a voice shouted up,

"Hey, where are you guys?". Sterling. I left Demi to her vice and rushed down stairs, flinging myself into his arms. "Woah! Maybe I should go away more often", he said as I snuggled into his chest. I laughed, leaning further into him. I had thought at first it was guilt, that was making me like this, but this morning I had realised I genuinely missed him. He pulled y back and kissed me softly on the lips, his hand resting on my lower back. I smiled through the kiss, sliding my hands into the back pockets of his jeans. "I defiantly should go away more often", he whispered into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

There was a loud crash from upstairs that made me pull back from Sterling, lifting my eyes to the ceiling. "What was that?", he said, in concern. I sighed deeply.

"Demi. She's – she's in a bad place just now", I told him quietly as we headed upstairs.

"And by bad you mean...?", he trailed off as we entered my room.

"STERLING!", Demi shrieked as I closed the door behind us. Demi rushed – well stumbled – across the room and threw her arms around him. "Oh my gosh, how are you? I've not seen you in forever!", she said, shouting in his ear. Sterling pulled back still holding onto her arms, and led her to sit down on the bed.

"Do you mind watching her, while I finish getting ready?", I muttered in this ear. He shook is head and continued listening to Demi's story. I grabbed my clothes off the bed and headed to the bathroom down he hall, almost relieved to get away for a minute. I loved Demi, I did. Its just she was so beyond reasoning at the moment. I was worried but didn't know what else to do. I considered asking Mama J to talk to her but didn't know if that would make it worse. I sighed again and got dressed, deciding to sit her down and talk tomorrow.

We all headed out to the party, Sterling driving as he was the only one who hadn't had a drink yet. I felt nervous for Demi as we walked the steps to his front door. Music was already pulsing out of the house and there was a lot of talking and laughter going on. "Sounds likes there's a big crowd in there", Sterling said, as we reached the door. I was in front and hesitated, turning to Demi.

"Sure you wanna do this?", I asked one last time. She paused for half a minute then slowly nodded. "Okay, but the moment you want to leave, just tell me", I said before pushing the door open.

The noise instantly surrounded us, swallowing us up, before the crowd could. There was easily 30 people in the house, all wandering between different rooms. Demi spotted a friend and rushed over, leaving me and Sterling to fend for ourselves. I decided to find Joe first, thinking it would be rude not to at least say hi. We fought through the crowd until Sterling found David Henrie and stopped to chat. I continued on, thinking it was probably best to talk to Joe alone first.

It didn't take me long to find him, having the biggest crowd around him. I spotted Greg Garbowski first and gave him a hug. He and John Taylor had also went to Africa with Joe so I stood talking to him for a minute and he introduced me to his girlfriend. She was a beautiful thing who seemed very down to earth – which surprised me for some reason.

I finally got through to Joe, who had his back turned and was checking his phone. I tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned round, I was confused to see his face light up so much. "Emma! Wow, it's so good to see you", he said pulling me into a bear hug. I hugged him back, missing the familiarity of him. He was completely unreserved in his affections...he had changed. There was a different vibe about him that I instantly picked up on. I looked at him closely.

"Are you okay?". It was the first thing that came to mind. Not how are you or welcome back. Joe nodded slowly but seemed unsure.

"Talk to you later?", he said, and I nodded as he was dragged off by some of the guys to share a story from his travels. I looked around, suddenly feeling self conscious and awkward. I only knew a handful of people here, none of which I could find. I started to worry at standing alone in the middle of a room at a party. This was not my scene and I didn't feel comfortable at all. I preferred smaller gatherings, where you could get a chance to talk. Not this...rabble.

"Are you okay", a voice from behind asked. I whipped round to see Paris, Greg's girlfriend looking at me in concern. I nodded and she handed me a drink. "Its Emma, Right?", she said leaning in close, shouting over the noise. All I could do was nod again. I really was crap at small talk. "I've heard a lot about you", she said, smiling.

I raised my eyebrows. "Really? From who?", I asked. She smiled again.

"Joe, mostly. Never anything bad, though", she said, catching the look on my face. "Everyone seems to really like you around here", she said, indicating the crowd.

"Clearly they've not met the real me then", I said, darkly. Paris, however, took it as a joke, her laugh ringing out again. The music was killed all of a sudden, and Joe appeared holding a microphone. I turned to watch him and noticed Demi and Sterling huddled together at the other side of the room. I took the opportunity to attempt to cross to them.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for this lovely welcoming home party", Joe said, which raised a few cheers. I shook my head at his poor example of grammar. "Tonight is gonna be a good night, I can feel it. So let you hair down and have a good time. And thank you, Emma, for volunteering yourself to sing karaoke with me", Joe said, grabbing me round the waist as I attempted to pass him. I struggled for a bit and used a fair few cusses, but he wouldn't let go.

"Please?", He pleaded, widening his big brown eyes. I sighed, muttering,

"You're lucky you're so pretty", and took a microphone off of him. We decided on You're The One That I Want from the Grease soundtrack. I was surprised when I hit most of the high notes – usually the vocals were way out of my range. The sunshine must be doing me some good. We were surrounded by cheers at the end of the song – mostly for Joe. He had really grown into his voice lately and I felt proud of him. I hugged him at the end of the song and continued on to find Demi and Sterling, who were no longer standing in the same place.

I hunted about for almost five minutes and gave up, pulling my phone out of my pocket instead to just call them. I noticed my phone flashing with a text. It was from Sterling. "Hey, I've taken Demi home. She was pretty bad. I'll just talk to you tomorrow". I had to read the text a couple of times and by then I was pretty pissed. First of all, he left without saying bye and secondly, he made it clear he hadn't planned on coming back.

"Cheers, Sterling", I muttered to myself. Bloody great boyfriend he was. I grabbed an unopened bottle of wine from a table and swigged straight from the bottle. I didn't care that I was mixing drinks or that this looked so white trash it wasn't funny. Drinking was a good way to numb out other feelings that were starting to rise. I suddenly understood everything Demi felt. Tomorrow I would defiantly talk to her. But for now...

Three quarters of a bottle later and I was any ones. I sung several more times on the karaoke with various people who's names I wouldn't remember in the morning. And I laughed – a lot. I laughed so hard my sides hurt and tears fell from my eyes. By two in the morning, most people had left and the house had quietened down. Joe found me half asleep on the couch, slumping down beside me. I leaned over to him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I've missed you", I said drunkenly slurring. He laughed, putting his arm around my shoulders.

"I've missed you too", he said. We sat like that for a while, neither saying anything. My mind was flicking through the past few weeks and how different they had felt without the boys in them. They had been slow and forced. Like I was struggling to get through the days. But when I was with them, the minutes flew into hours without it even registering. I liked having them in my life and was glad I hadn't messed things up too badly.

"When I'm less drunk and can remember what I'm saying, we need to talk", I said, seriously. Joe, however, laughed again.

"Okay. Anything in particular?", he asked. I nodded. "Want to talk about it just now?". I hesitated. I knew that if I talked about it now, I would say way more than I should but I needed to say something.

"I...I think I messed up. With Nick", I said, quietly so no one else would hear. Joe went still suddenly. He took a few minutes before turning to me.

"Wow...I really didn't see that one coming", he said, letting out air. I nodded. I took this to be a bad sign. I knew he had just spent two weeks with Nick and clearly he hadn't talked about me at all. I pulled away from Joe and tried to get up. "Wait", He said, grabbing my arm. I turned to look at him. "Tomorrow, we really need to talk, okay", he said. I just nodded, my buzz killed instantly.

I called a taxi to take me home, no longer wanting to be here. Joe stood with me at the door, casting worried glances in my direction. "It's not what you think", he said so softly, I wasn't even sure he had said anything. I ignored it. "Would you be angry if I told you we talked about you in London?", he said, equally as quiet, like it was some big secret he was afraid of sharing. "Would you be surprised if I told you he said the same thing?". I could feel Joe turning to look at me. I froze. What did that mean? That Nick felt the same? My heart hammered in my chest and I was incapable of talking.

My taxi pulled up in front of the house and I fled, not even saying goodnight to Joe. I couldn't handle it. Why did I even bring it up? I looked up to see Joe still standing there, at the door, watching me leave. I was silent the whole ride home.

When I reached my house, I paused at the door. I debated it, then decided against it. But what if I did? Joe was obviously going to tell him about tonight. I could just do it and see what happened. But at the same time, it wouldn't be fair. My thoughts were jumbled in my drunken state but my heart won the battle against my head.

My hands shook as I reached for my phone, anticipation building in my chest. I scrolled through my contacts until I found his name. The blood rose to my cheeks and the panic in my chest. What if Joe was wrong and I was making a fool of myself? I typed out the message, but couldn't send it right away. _I miss you_. It seemed like a simple enough thing to send. I mean, hadn't I just said the same thing to Joe earlier. But I knew, with Nick, it was different. It was a deeper sort of missing. Like and aching in my bones that needed him near me. I hit send, then rushed into my house.

I left my phone in my room and headed to get ready for bed, taking forever in the bathroom, feeling like there was a ticking bomb in the next room. I was nervous as well, knocking things off the counter and spilling my tub of moisturiser all over the floor. I took longer than necessary to clean it up.

When I had nothing else to do – I mean I was literally standing in the bathroom with my hands on my hips, trying to think if there was possibly anything else I could do – I headed back into my bedroom. My eyes were instantly drawn to my phone, lying on my bed. I stared at it for a minute and my heart leapt three foot in the air when I noticed the led light flashing on top of the phone. I had a text.

My head tried to reason with my heart as I slowly crossed the room. It was probably Joe asking if I had gotten home okay - or Demi, apologising for tonight. My hands were trembling badly as I reached for the phone and had to sit on the bed as I felt light headed. I clicked on my phone. It was from Nick.

I exhaled loudly. I didn't want to open it. What if it was some crazy angry text saying how I had brought this on myself. I didn't know if I could handle it. I paused for a very long time, just staring at his name on my phone. It had been a long time since I had seen it. When I couldn't handle the tension any more I opened it, closing my eyes as I did so. I felt stupid but I also felt drunk, so I let myself away with it. I peaked out from under my eye lashes and my heart thudded painfully in my chest. It was the last thing I had expected. I fully opened my eyes to make sure I was reading it properly. Then read it over and over and over again, my heart still hammering away. I didn't know how to respond to it, so in the end I chose not too, a thousand questions building in my mind, all of which I would ask Joe tomorrow. I switched my lights off and lay down in bed, praying that sleep would come quickly – which, thankfully – it did.

_I miss you too._


	39. Can't Go Back

**Can't Go Back**

When I woke up the next morning I was confused as to why I felt like I had been hit by a truck. One by one, the memories slowly came trickling back to me. Sterling and Demi leaving me alone was the first one. I was more mad at Demi who knew that I hated parties, especially ones where I hardly knew anyone because I felt so socially awkward. But then I remembered Joe and forgave her. This led to me remembering my conversation with Joe – which seemed a little fuzzy, so I wasn't 100 percent sure it had actually happened. Then the text message flooded into my memory, like a bright, flashing sign. I quickly sat up and grabbed my cell phone – which was a mistake as I felt like I had been shot in the head. I hoped I still had aspirin in the house as I check my texts. And there it was – all the proof I needed.

_I miss you too._

I know it shouldn't have but it brought a smile to my face anyway. I cradled my phone in my hands like some sort of miracle cure, beaming down on the text message. When it went of, I freaked so much, it almost flew out of my hands. It was a text from Joe. _You better be decent, I'm on my way over. _I looked at my clock. In all fairness, it was almost midday. I slowly crawled from my bed and just made it to the front door as Joe knocked. I pulled it open and continued on my quest for painkillers and water.

"Well, don't we look beautiful this morning", Joe said, holding out a cup of coffee to me. I took it from him gratefully.

"My hero", I said, in a voice that barely came out as a whisper. I took a long drink from the coffee, feeling the caffeine kick in instantly, then continued my search for the aspirin. I found it in the downstairs bathroom and wandered back to Joe who was looking about the house.

"Why is everything white?", he asked, looking worried. I grinned and followed his stare. I still hadn't decided on colours for the rooms yet, so all my walls were still blank.

"Insanity", I said shrugging my shoulders. Joe just nodded, pulling a face as he did so. I was too hungover to interpret it, so let it slide.

"Its a really nice place. It seems a lot more you", He said finally. I smiled at him, forgetting that he had never seen it before. I had only moved in a few weeks before, but it felt more like home than the other place ever had. I had even went as far as to start unpacking all my things – as little as they were. But it was comforting to have my old photos out, which were now joined by ones of me with the boys, Selena and Demi. He picked a photo up off an end table. "I remember this one", he said smiling and I wandered over to see which one it was. I smiled along with Joe.

It was one of me and the three boys, my first day on set. It was one of my favourite photos. I looked at myself, sandwiched between Joe and Nick, how excited and happy I looked. Like I still couldn't believe I was there – which is probably what I was feeling. So much had changed since then but I could still remember exactly how it felt to have Nick's arm wrapped around me and the warmth that seemed to emit from the arm that was wrapped around me. I smiled as Joe put the photo back down. "So, you gonna go get ready?", he asked, looking at my jammies. I smiled and nodded, feeling better.

"Where we going?", I asked, climbing the stairs, Joe following me.

"Lunch. Haven't decided where though", he said. I liked being with the boys as they always made the decisions so I didn't have to struggle to think of something. It was familiarity that I had grown comfortable with.

I grabbed a comfortable pair of baggy linen trousers and a loose top, not really in the mood to make an effort and crawled towards the shower, taking more time under the hot water than I really needed. Joe complained that I was taking too long to get ready – even though it was quick by my standards. I pulled my wet hair back into a braid, deciding that my head probably couldn't stand the noise of a blow dryer at this time in the morning. Joe tugged on the end of it. "Your hair has gotten so long", he said. I shrugged. It usually grew pretty quickly and I hadn't cut it in a while. It was half way down my back now. I grabbed my bag and we headed out to the car, Joe holding the door open for me as usual.

He decided on a sushi restaurant for lunch. It was busy, but the booths gave plenty of privacy. I hated fish with a passion, so stuck to vegetable sushi. I grimaced as I watched Joe eat his...gosh knows what it was, but it looked disgusting.

"Did you see Demi last night?", I asked him. He looked thoughtful.

"Yes I saw her. But when she saw my she dived into the bath room and wouldn't come out to talk to me", he said. I didn't know how to respond to that, other than,

"you guys will have to talk eventually, you know", I said and he nodded. We lapsed back into silence, eating our meals.

"So", he eventually said, in between mouth fulls, "last night?". I pocked the salad on my plate, suddenly not hungry. Joe sat patiently watching me, waiting for me to talk. I didn't know where to start and sighed deeply. There was a few more moments of silence before Joe said to me, "I called Nick last night. After you left". I looked up so quickly I swore I heard a crack in my neck.

"What did you say?". Panic began to set in. Did he phone before or after I text him? Would it look like I had _asked_ Joe to call him? What did he really think? A thousand more questions swarmed around my head.

"Nothing, we just talked. He feels the same way you do. About the messing up part, I mean". I freaked out.

"Oh crap, you didn't actually tell him I said that, did you?", my voice rising several decibels. Joe looked taken aback.

"Of course not. I just said that you were pretty messed up last night. Seemed lonely. And he told me that he felt bad for the way he treated you and how things ended". I felt like I was going to throw up. Joe had told Nick I was lonely, then I had text Nick telling him I missed him. Then he had text back. Suddenly it took a whole new angle – it was a pity text. It didn't mean the same for him that it did for me. My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt frozen to the spot. Wow...after three or four times, you'd have thought I'd eventually stop feeling so stupid and – hopeful – about this boy. But here I was, again, feeling like such an idiot.

"Hey, Em, you okay?", I nodded and flung myself out of the seat and headed for the bathroom. I really thought this time I would throw up. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and saw how pale I looked – even by my standards. No wonder Joe had been concerned. My hands shook as I splashed some water over my face. There was a light tap at the door and then Joe walked in.

"You _are_ aware that this is the ladies room, right?", I said to him, with a weak smile. Joe just walked over to my and pulled me into a hug. I stood stiff for a moment before relaxing into it, hugging him back like I would fall apart if he let go.

"Tell me what I said wrong?", He said softly to me. I shook my head, which was leaning into his chest. "Please?", he said, so quietly. I just hugged him harder, unable to express how I really felt. Especially not to the brother of the guy I was so messed up over.

The door to the bathroom swung open and a woman walked in, giving us the rudest look ever. I looked at Joe and saw he was fighting back the same laughter that I was. We both rushed from the bathroom, back to our table. We both decided to skip desert, me not feeling hungry, him not really eating unhealthy food. Joe paid the bill and we left, heading back to his car.

He sat for a moment before turning to me. "Listen, Emma-", he started,but I cut him off.

"Drop it, Joe. I cant talk about it right now", I said, looking at my knees. He nodded and started the car. He drove back to my house – or what I though was my house. I looked confused when he stopped at his parents place. "Oh, did I forget to mention, were having dinner here tonight", he said, grinning. I groaned at him. Not that I didn't love spending time with his family – its just Momma J could always tell when something was wrong. She was very...motherly that way. It was inconvenient most times.

I took a deep breath as we walked into the house, leaning into Joe for comfort, who wrapped his arm around me. The dinner was just a family thing, so there was only eight people in the house, which suited me just fine. I watched Joe like a hawk all afternoon, hoping he wouldn't say anything to his Mom, which as far as I could tell, he didn't. I smiled the whole afternoon, not out of happiness – well maybe a little out of happiness, it being good to see everyone again -but in trying to make everyone think I was okay. I don't think it worked as I still noticed the glances from everyone.

"Emma, I've been hearing such wonderful stories about your singing all afternoon", Papa J said to me. I laughed, then pretended to give the evils to Joe.

"Well, I can assure you right now, there all lies", I told him, sticking out my tongue to Joe, for added maturity. Everyone laughed.

"And I've heard that you're also a wonderful piano player", he said. I blushed at this. The only other person who had seen me play was Nick. I hesitated, seeing were this was going.

"I'm not playing", I said, defensively. There was a groan from the room and a general cry of encouragement. I stood my ground. "No! No way. I'm terrible and hate performing", I reasoned.

Ten minutes later, I was sat at the piano, hating everyone that was in the room. I sighed deeply, and played about with the keys, stalling for time. "Um...well, don't say I didn't warn you", I said, as I started to play. I made my mind up just before I started playing. I chose Katy Perry's Thinking Of You, knowing exactly who I was singing it about as the words left my mouth.

The room was silent as I sung and stayed that way long after I had finished. I was paranoid. "That bad?", I said, filling the room with my own nervous laughter. Papa J left the room without a word. Everyone else continued to stare. I played with my hands, really freaking out over why no one was talking. Finally Dani turned to me.

"Wow, Emma, I really didn't know you sung so well". I blushed, telling myself she was just being polite. I knew I could play piano, having been playing for four years now, but singing. My Mam had always told me I could sing – but then she had to, she was my mother.

We all left the room and headed for dinner, Papa J being the last one to sit at the table. He had been on the phone for the past twenty minutes and had sounded urgent when talking. We all bowed our heads as he said grace – which I still found strange, since I wasn't really religious at all and helped ourselves to the various dishes on the table. Momma and Papa J kept talking quietly to each other through out the meal, then casting glances at me. I was really freaking out by the end of the dinner. Joe kept trying to get me to laugh at stupid things he was doing, so I know I must have been looking worried again.

I helped Momma J clear the table and was chatting with her in the kitchen when Papa J walked in. "Emma, I have an offer to propose to you", he said, sounding very business like. I stood still, wringing a dish towel in my hands. "As you know, Meghan can no longer join us on the tour, due to filming conflicts". I nodded. The infamous Camp Rock tour they were about to go on. I had been dreading this, not wanting to lose all my friends again so soon, for such a long time. "Now, I've spoken to some people, who have all learned to trust my judgement", he said, with a slight grin, "And I'd like to offer you her place on tour".

I stood for a moment, not sure what exactly had happened. Her place on tour. What? Like singing? "Uhh...", was all the response I was capable of. I needed air, panic setting in around me at the thought of thousands of people watching you, waiting for you to mess up. "I don't think...maybe not", I said to him. Disappointment crossed his face and Momma J stepped in.

"Sweetie – this would be such an amazing opportunity for you. You have an amazing voice and such talent. It would be a shame not to show people what you're capable of", she said, taking my hands in hers. "Plus, I would worry about you being here all summer alone while were away", she said, concern welling in her eyes. _Dammit_, I thought, _When had Joe gotten to her_? Double teamed and a guilt card? Tour would be amazing, though. Spending my whole summer with the people I loved...and Nick. My hesitation was all they needed.

"Wonderful. I'll take you down to the offices tomorrow and get everything sorted out. You're going to love being on tour", Papa J said, leaving the room. It took me a full five minutes to realise I hadn't actually said yes.


	40. Return of the Future

**Return Of The Future**

I didn't sleep too much that night, as most of it was spent on the phone to various people. Demi was one of the first people I called. "Oh my God!", She screamed down the phone at me. "Tour is gonna rock so much more if you're there with me". This went on for over ten minutes until I eventually told her I had to go. She was flying out in two days to start rehearsals and I was following not long after her. I was nervous about the dancing part of the song, never having to have performed like that before.

I called my Mam next who was so excited for me, telling me that it would be an amazing opportunity and she couldn't be prouder. I was grinning from ear to ear by the time I made the last call. It however, didn't go as well as I had hoped. "You're...going on tour?", Sterling said, somewhat subdued from my previous two calls. It was met with silence. I thought he would at least pretend to be supportive – I mean, he was the one that went away to Canada first.

"Yes, I am", I said, more snappy than I had intended it to be. It was met with more silence.

"Well...how are we supposed to see each other now?", he asked. I held the receiver away from my ear and pulled a face into it.

"I'm gonna guess the same way we had planned to before. You aren't exactly just down the street from me right now", I said, my voice dripping in sarcasm.

"No, we all know who's down the street from you now", he muttered, moodily, into the phone. I paused. Really? He was really going to act like this? I had just been told I was going to sing on tour – had just told him this – and he was throwing a hissy fit?

"You know what, Sterling, why don't you just call me back when you grow up out of the temper tantrum you're throwing", I yelled and hung up my phone. I wanted to launch it across the room in anger, but resisted, knowing it would just cause more problems later.

I paced the living room, too worked up to sleep. I knew, looking at the clock, that I would regret it in a few hours – which was when I was due at the Hollywood Studios business offices. I hadn't realised it was so late – or so early. I headed for a shower, then out to my car. I would be may as well getting coffee or something as I was going to need it. Even though it was barely six am, the roads were busy and I cursed city traffic as I drove, working myself into a worse mood.

After what felt like a year, I was sitting down, nursing a cup in my hands. It had been a long time since I had pulled an all nighter – but between my first two phone calls, I hadn't realised how late it had gotten. I would pay for it later.

Three more cups later I was headed out to the offices, knowing I would get there early, but not caring all the same. Better early than late. I parked my car and saw Joe's truck, feeling some comfort in the fact that I wasn't the first one here. I still got those familiar butterflies in my stomach doing new things and this was no different. I pulled open the glass door and approached the desk in front. A man greeted me and directed me towards another room. "Mr Jonas is already in there, you can just wait with him", He said, and I followed his directions down the hall to the room.

My hair fell into my eyes and I made a mental note to go get it cut, as I was brushing it back out the way. I was lowering my hand entering the room but stopped suddenly, my hand still mid air, my mouth hanging wide open. He looked up from his phone in his hand and our eyes locked instantly. It was like seeing him for the first time all over again, feeling dumbstruck and out of place. I must have continued to stare at him for another full thirty seconds before I realised what I was doing. I turned around and headed straight back out the room with out saying a word. _Smooth, Emma, real smooth. J_oe was walking into the building as I reproached the reception area. I grabbed his arm, while continuing to walk and dragged him out side. I walked a few paces and dropped his arm. Then I turned on him.

"Why the hell couldn't you have given me some sort of warning?", I shouted at him. Joe just grinned at me.

"Emma, I have _no_ idea what you are talking about", he said. I was infuriated and walked over and punched him in the arm. He even went as far as to pretend it hurt.

"Joseph Adam Jonas, don't even attempt to test my patience this morning", I continued to yell at him.

"I'm pretty sure you have to have had patience to being with for it to be tested", was his smart ass remark, made while he was still grinning. I groaned in frustration and walked away from him, the lack of sleep not making this any easier. I heard footsteps and Joe caught up with me grabbing my arm. "Emma, wait. I'm sorry". I turned around to face him and saw that it was sincere. My temper faded as quickly as it had flared.

I exhaled deeply. "It's okay. I'm just...I guess I just kind of made a fool of myself and took it out on you", I told him. He pulled a face, so I explained the past five minutes to him and couldn't stop grinning as he roared with laughter.

"Wow – you are such a loser", he said eventually. I stuck my tongue out at him and we walked back into the building.

"When did...when did he get back", I said, still unable to say his name.

"This morning. I don't think he's even been home yet", Joe said, looking sideways at me, as we got to the room he was in. I stopped dead, chickening out.

"You know what, I think I saw a vending machine back there. I'm gonna go grab a drink", I said, and turned around again, choosing to ignore the look of pity in Joe's eyes. He was one to talk – him and Demi still hadn't talked properly since the break up. The receptionist watched me walk back towards him, then past him to the vending machines on the other side of him, a confused look across his face. Considering the amount of times I had been back and forth, I really couldn't blame him for thinking there was something wrong with me.

When there was nothing else to do but go back, I sighed and headed towards the room, hoping Joe wouldn't make any inappropriate comments. A movement caught my eye and I saw Papa J come in the doors just ahead of my. Relief washed through me – nobody would say anything in front of him. I tagged close behind and entered the room right at the back of him, realising that everyone was now here.

It was one last big meet before we all headed out to Chicago, where rehearsals were being held, and eventually the first concert. Demi waved at me and I went to sit next to her, smiling that at least someone seemed happy to see me. Everyone else was eyeing me warily, and Nick...well he wouldn't make any eye contact with me at all. Papa J introduced me to the room and I blushed and hid behind a curtain of hair. It must be hard for them to just be told that I was now joining them on tour, even though I had nothing to do with the Camp Rock films.

Good start to the summer.

Papa J got a phone call and left the room to take it so everyone started talking amongst themselves. I smiled as I was reminded of High School when teachers left the room. I sat in silence, listening to everyone else, feeling slightly overwhelmed at how must my life had just been altered in the past 24 hours. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I read the text I had received. I was shocked slightly when I realised it was from Nick.

"Smile. It won't kill you. Neither will we". I looked across the table at him but he was deep in conversation with Alyson Stoner, never looking at my once. I was puzzled but intrigued. I wanted to talk to him so badly, it was unreal. I wanted to ask him about London and how he had been. I wanted to tell him about my new house and how I was feeling so lonely with out him. Instead I slid my phone back in my pocket, not bothering to text him back.

Papa J came back in the room, this time, with another man who introduced himself as the tour director. He handed out sheets of paper with schedules on them that I busied myself looking over. I risked a glance up at Nick and saw that his eyes slid away from me at almost the same moment. My stomach flipped over. Was he just staring at me? I looked back down at the sheets of paper and saw how busy it was going to be for the next few weeks, "When you guys will get an updated schedule", Brett, the tour manager told us.

We were let go soon after that, but Papa J called out to me as I was leaving. "Emma, hold on a minute. Could you come here?", He said. He was surrounded by important looking business men in suits and had a frown on his face. I was genuinely surprised that I managed to notice this, with Nick standing so close to his dad. I managed a weak smile as I approached them.

"Emma, these men are part of Hollywood Records. I know I told you last night that they trusted in my judgement, but it seems there has been a change of plans", Mr Jonas said. I could have sworn he threw one of the men and angry look. I had never seen Papa J get angry before – it was strange. The man stepped forward and my first thought was of grease as I grasped his extended hand.

"You understand I'm sure", He said to me and my heart sunk. Did this man really just kick me off the tour? Shame burned in my face. "if you'd all just like to follow me", the man said, indicating out the room. I was really confused when instead of showing me to the door, he showed me to another room with a piano in it. I had no idea what was happening but it didn't seem good. Everyone turned to look at me expectantly.

Papa J cleared his throat. "Emma, these men deem it necessary for you to audition for them, before they'll agree to your contract on the show". Everything clicked into place as I stared at the piano.

Oh crap, I was going to die from embarrassment. I slowly walked to the piano, feeling like I had lead weights in my shoes. I couldn't perform in front of Nick, who along with his two brothers had followed his Dad into the room. My heart pounded, as I tested the keys, stalling for time.

"Any requests?", I said nervously to the room. No one answered me, but just continued to stare. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to pretend they weren't there. I took a deep breath and started my song, choosing Colbie Caillat's I Never told You. There was no doubt in my mind who I was singing it about – especially when I subconsciously changed the words from blues eyes to brown eyes. I wondered if he noticed?

The room was quiet when I finished and I opened my eyes to make sure everyone was still there. They were. "You guys gotta quite doing that", I said in reference to the silence. The man turned to Papa J and smiled.

"You were quite right, Kevin", he said, slightly patronising. I instantly disliked this man, and wanted to punch him in the face. I had grown to love this family as my own and took it as a personal offence when anyone seemed remotely like they were attacking it.

Papa J followed them out the room and Nick and Kevin went off to play a game of golf. I thought Nick would have probably wanted to go home, spend some time with his family. I clearly had him all wrong at the moment.

"Want to go grab lunch", Joe said, when we were the only two left in the room. I smiled weakly, but felt sick and still pretty confused. I grabbed onto his arm and he led me out to his car, announcing that I didn't look well enough to drive. My phone went off again and it was another text from Nick.

"What colour are Sterling's eyes?". I blushed as I thought about it. They were blue.

He noticed.


	41. The Same Deep Water As You

**The Same Deep Water As You**

The next couple of days flew by so quickly I wondered if they had actually happened. I managed to pack a massive trunk to send of to Chicago full of clothes and sorted out everything in my house – although it did usually result in me being up till stupid o'clock in the morning and waking up 4 hours later. I also spent time with Demi before she flew out, even though I would see her in a few days. I was glad she had become such a good friend recently – it had surprised me how close we'd become. Sterling even managed to call up and offer something of an apology, telling me we'd 'work' on it.

Selena also called and I was really surprised about that. I hadn't heard from her in almost two months, since she had been filming her movie. We talked for a little bit and I updated her on my life, she on hers. The phone call seemed a bit forced though, like neither of us really wanted to be having it. I frowned after I hung up the phone, wondering when things became awkward between us.

I made plans to spend my last night just hanging in my house, not really doing too much, since the past few days had been so hectic. Other people, it seemed, had other plans. I was sitting in front of my TV when the doorbell rung. Again. And again. It didn't stop until I flung open the door. "Was that _really_ necessary, Joe?", I asked, giving him an evil eye. He smiled.

"Yes, yes it was", he then grabbed my arm and pulled me out the house. "Family dinner before we leave", he said, pulling me down the street. I barley had time to shut my door, as I was being dragged down the garden. When I looked over his shoulder, I stopped dead. Nick was standing on the pavement, looking at my house. He glanced at me briefly but never said a word. We hadn't spoken at all yet – unless you count the two texts he had sent. I wondered why he even came out with Joe, if he was just going to ignore me.

We walked down the sidewalk back to his parents house, which took all of three minutes. The house was a flurry of activity as Momma J tried to get everything finished before tour. I ended up on the couch, watching the boys playing video games. After a while, I was kind of thirsty and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, but felt embarrassed when I had obviously walked in on something. Kevin, his parents and Danielle were all standing around the kitchen, looks of frustration on their faces.

"Life is about sacrifice, Son", Papa J was saying. "And with the new addition on the tour, you're going to have to share the bus with us". I felt a wave of shame – I was the new addition. I wanted to just turn around and pretend I had never heard this conversation. The tour hadn't even started and I was already in everyone's way. Instead I found myself walking further into the room, slowly catching everyone's attention.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I kind of got the jist that this was about me", I said, shyly. No one would make eye contact, so Momma J told me,

"Its just the tour bus situation. Before, Kevin and Dani and their own tour bus and we had ours. But...well now...", She seemed confused as to how to finish it, but I got the message anyway.

"But now, I have theirs and they're back on yours?", I asked. Everyone kind of nodded, as an awkward tension filled the room. I picked at the sleeve of my top, unable to believe I was about to suggest this, but went for it anyway. "Well...I mean, I could always have their bunk on your bus and they could continue to have their own". The room was quiet and I hoped I hadn't crossed a line, asking to share a tour bus the the Jonas family. Kevin looked between his parents, hopefully but Papa J turned to me.

"You would be willing to do that?", he asked. I nodded. I didn't want to say it out loud-but no newly wed should have to share a space so confined with his family. It ruined all chances of any sort of...intimacy. "Well then...I guess problem sorted", Papa J said, and wandered off to another room. Dani walked over and hugged me.

"Thank you so much", she said through the hug. I laughed.

"No problem", and we wandered into the next room. I didn't see what the big deal was...except now I would have to share a bus with Joe, Frankie, Momma and Papa J and...Nick. I wondered how much room was on a tour bus and weather or not it would be easy enough to avoid him.

Dinner was a lively affair, everyone chatting and passing dishes of food about the table. Joe was being widely inappropriate as usual, making comments that I was choosing to ignore, so he turned on Kevin instead. "So, Kev, looking forward to this the whole summer", he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Kevin just laughed, saying, "Well, at least I'll have my own bus to escape to". The tabled went a bit quieter.

"What are you talking about?", Joe asked. Kevin just shrugged.

"Nothing, just you have a new bunk mate instead", he looked pointedly at me. There was a loud clash as Nick accidentally dropped his fork onto his plate.

"You're sharing our tour bus?", he asked incredulously. I didn't know what to say. It was the first time he and said anything to me – and I didn't like how unhappy he sounded. I just continued to stare at him my brain mulling over for any sort of conversation.

"Yes, Emma kindly offered to swap places with us, to give us some privacy", Dani said, and everyone turned to look at her. Well everyone bar Nick who was still looking at me. It took a moment, but I finally shifted my eyes to look at my plate. He seemed to be personally offended that he would now have to share a tour bus with me. It hurt a bit.

I avoided making eye contact with him as much as possible the rest of dinner. I couldn't even finish my meal, instead, hiding most of it under my napkin. I helped clear away after dinner, rinsing the plates before loading them into the dishwasher. I almost dropped the stack I was holing, when Nick walked in. I was very aware that it was just him and I in the kitchen. He set the dish he was holding down on the counter next to me. I could almost feel the heat from his body he was so close. I wanted to reach out and touch him, instead choosing to concentrate on the plate in my hand. After a moment of silence, he turned and walked away.

Or at least I thought he had, which is why I jumped in fright when he finally spoke. "Is this how its going to be all summer? You just ignoring me?". It took a moment for the words to register. Me ignoring him? I continued to wash and stack the plates, not turning to face him.

"I'm sorry but is that you implying that you're making some sort of an effort?", and I was shocked my voice didn't falter. I heard him take a few steps towards me.

"More that you have!", his voice rising, "I've spoken to you twice now and both times you ignored it!". This time I turned to look at him.

"No Nick, you haven't! Every time I look at you, its like you can't stand the sight of me, never mind being able to talk to me!". He looked confused.

"What is that supposed to mean?".

"Yesterday, you never said anything to me all day, just wandered about acting all high and mighty judging me from your perch you seem quite content to sit up on". I caught my breath, it not even dawning on me that we were yelling at each other now. Nick was angry at me – it was written all over is face.

"You're one to talk. You practically ran away from me yesterday when you saw me. And today you wouldn't even answer me when I asked you a question". He turned his head, hiding his face. It was then I took in his stance. His hands were on his hips and he was biting down on his bottom lip. He was hurt.

The realisation hit me like a ton of bricks and I no longer felt angry at him. "Nick", I started softly. He shook his head and turned his back on me.

"You know what, never mind", he said, walking out of the room. I paused for a moment, then followed him. As I walked back into the other room, I saw everyone standing about. There was no possible way that they hadn't heard that even if they didn't have the uncomfortable looks on their faces. "Um...", was all I could think to say.

"I think he went to his room", Momma J told me. I hesitated, not sure if that was her way of telling me to leave it alone. But she smiled at me and I took that as permission. I walked slowly upstairs, hesitating outside his door, that he had shut over. I tapped lightly on it and when I didn't get an answer, slowly opened it. Nick was lying on his back on his bed, his arms crossed over his stomach. He glanced over at me, standing in the doorway.

"Get out", he said, sounding tired. I opened the door further and stepped into the room, ignoring the raised eyebrows. Shutting the door gently, I walked over and sat on the edge of his bed, my back to him. It was easier to talk if I didn't look at him. I wrung my hands out a bit and took a deep breath before starting.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know that you were trying to talk to me. I'm sorry that things are so awkward between us. I'm sorry that I'm tagging alone on tour with you. And I'm sorry for yelling at you". Nick was silent. I was about to get up from the bed when he moved, and sat next to me. I chose to stare at his feet, rather than his face. I could see his hand twitching, his leg sat so close to mine.

"Did you even mean it", he said, quietly, "When you said you missed me?". I blushed a deep red, that seemed to start from somewhere deep in my chest. I stalled for time, not because I didn't know how to answer but because I wasn't sure it was the best thing. I was saved when the door flew open and Joe walked in the room.

"Mom sent me to check you hadn't killed each other", he said grinning. I got up off the bed, grateful for the distraction.

"Um...no we're good. But I should probably head home. I've still got loads to do before tomorrow, I said, brushing past Joe, not looking at Nick. I said a hurried goodbye to everyone and all but ran back up the street to my house. I pulled out my phone and text Nick back.

_I meant it._


	42. Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

**Ain't No Rest For The Wicked **

The next morning was a bit of an insane rush I didn't have time to think about much else. My cases were picked up at 8am to be carted off before us. I double checked the last few things, making sure I had packed everything, grabbing a few books to keep me company. I didn't know how long it would be until everyone else accepted me...or if they would. Either way, re reading some of my favourites couldn't hurt.

After I was finished I sat in my living room looking around. I had only just moved in and was leaving it so soon for just over a month. It made me feel a bit sad. My phone rang twice then hung up, meaning the car was outside. I was sharing with Frankie and Joe - who had stayed at his parents house last night. I grabbed my flight bag and headed out, double checking I had locked the door. I slid into the car, sandwiching Frankie in the middle, as Joe grinned at me.

"You ready for this?", he asked. I nodded, slowly. Joe frowned at me. "You okay?", and I just nodded again. "Flying thing?". Right in one. I really despised flying. Really. I thought it would be safer if I kept my mouth closed. The car ride seemed to go much quicker than I thought and soon we were at the airport.

Everyone else was already there waiting for us. I found Nick right away and saw he was watching me. I gave him a tentative smile that was shyly returned. But I stood close to Joe, feeling that it was safer with him around. It was strange but I felt like I had grown close to Joe the past week. I wondered if he felt the same. Not like I had a crush...more like – a big brother. It was nice, I didn't have any brothers.

"Okay, kids", Mr Jonas said, gathering us around, "When we get to Chicago we're going to quickly go over the set list and make sure everything is sorted into place with that first, then you can have a break this afternoon", and everyone smiled and discussed plans. Papa J approached me, "Well, everyone bar you, I'm afraid Emma. The others have already been out there rehearsing for a week and you have quite a bit to catch up on for the dance routines, so I've arranged for you to practise this afternoon, okay". I smiled weakly. Now maybe wasn't the best idea to bring up the fact that I had never had a dance class in my life.

I tried to concentrate on the dance part and not the flying part, unsure which I was most nervous about. I got up from my seat to head to the nearby store. Out the corner of my eye, I saw Nick watching then get up to follow. "Hey, where you going?", I turned my head to see Joe, standing next to me.

"Um...I need water or something", I said, my eyes flicking between Nick and Joe.

"Cool, I'll come with you", he said, waiting for me to grab my bag. I saw Nick sit back down in his seat, watching us walk away. "Feeling any better?", He asked. I shook my head. I would feel better when the nightmare was over. He grabbed me a cold bottle of water out the fridge and I placed it against the side of my face, while I browsed the magazine rack. Joe hoovered awkwardly at my side. It took me a moment to realise he was watching me, not the magazines.

"What?", I asked, surprised. He kicked the ground with his shoe, in a very non Joe way. He shrugged. I watched him for a few more moments, waiting for him to say something, but when he didn't, I grabbed the waters and headed to the register.

By the time I sat back down, Joe seemed back to his usual self, joking about with Frankie. I watched them, laughing along with them, even joining in when requested. We were making a lot of noise, but it was a good distraction and no one seemed to mind too much. I was exhausted by the time our flight was called so barely noticed the nerves in my stomach as we boarded. I sat down next to Joe and almost instantly regretted it when he began to talk about planes crashing. I looked over to see that Nick was sat next to Frankie but looked away quickly when he began to raise his head. I didn't want him to think I was watching him or something.

Take off was awful as usual and I sat with my eyes tightly closed, grabbing Joe's wrist, thinking the hand was maybe a bit personal. He didn't seem to mind too much but I had to apologise for the nail marks I had dug into his arm. He smiled and said it was cool, then got up out the seat to wander about, unable to sit still for more than five minutes at a time. I settled back into the seat, trying to make myself comfortable, deciding to watch the in flight movie. Joe came back eventually but kept asking questions about the film so I made an excuse to go to the toilet to get away from him for a while. I loved the guy but sometimes he drove me insane.

By the time I got back from the bathroom, Frankie was in my seat and he and Joe were playing video games. _Great_. I looked around and that's when I saw Nick watching me. Of course the only available seat would be next to him. I debated what to do, but there was really nothing for it but to man up and go sit next to him. I took a deep breath and wandered over to him, slowly sitting down. I stared at the TV in front, debating if it would be a lost cause trying to watch the rest of the film. I was just reaching for the headphones when Nick spoke to me.

"I wondered if you would actually sit next to me, or were you going to kick Frankie out your seat", he said, with a slight grin, staring out the window. I kept my hands and eyes focused on the headphones in them.

"I had considered it", I said, before popping the buds into my ears. I felt Nick shake gently with laughter next to me. The flight started its decent soon after and then we headed off to the hotel.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had a room all to myself during tour rehearsals. We would be here for two weeks, so it was nice to know that I would have some sort of escape, knowing there would be very little opportunities for it over the coming month and a half.

After I dumped my stuff and watched as they carted my trunk into the room, I headed off to meet the others in the reception so we could be taken over to where we would be rehearsing. It was late afternoon and my stomach was beginning to protest at the lack of food, having skipped breakfast as I didn't want to rediscover it mid-flight. I tried to ignore it as we walked down the street. The building was a ten minute walk from us, so it was quicker then getting driven.

The room was huge – it looked more like a large storage area than anything- or one of the sound stages we filmed on. I looked about in awe as the boys rushed to the stage and began playing about with the toys. They strummed their instruments and were shown a couple of the back drops that would be used. I zoned out somewhere around the lasers, choosing to lie back on the floor, my hands behind my head. I closed my eyes and listened to the buzz of movement around me as people swarmed in and out, checking lists and times. Its was mesmerizing to listen to.

There was a light tap on my foot and I opened my eyes to see a tall, older guy in sweatpants and a tank top looking down on me. "Hey, you must be Emma", He said, holding out a hand to pull me up. I reached for it, nodding at the same time. "I'm Ryan, I'm going to be helping you catch up with the others for the dance routines", he said, smiling warmly. I said a hurried bye to everyone and grabbed my gym bag and followed him out a side door in the building.

"There's a dance studio just to the side here that we've been using to rehearse in", he said, leading me into a room. There was mirrors lining two of the walls and a ballet bar along the back one. My shoes squeaked slightly on the wooden floors. "There's a changing room through there", he said, pointing to a door I hadn't noticed. I trailed on through, wondering if this was going to be worse than the flight. I pulled on a comfy pair of sweats and a baggy top, my own idea of hiding. It was bad enough being around young starlets everyday, giving me body issues, but now they wanted me around dancers as well. My ego would not fair well.

Ryan showed me the dance routine for It's On first and I watched, mouth open, and wondered if they really expected me to be able to do this _and_ sing. It was, "impossible", I muttered under my breath. Ryan laughed.

"It may seem a lot at first but you'll get it eventually", he said, pulling me onto the floor for some warm ups. After an hour, I was still struggling to remember the steps to just the chorus. And that was just of the first song! I had 4 more dance routines to memorise, as well as working on my singing. This tour, would in fact, actually kill me. I was sure of it, as I lay on my back in the middle of the dance floor, exhausted. Ryan handed me down a bottle of water.

"Tomorrow, maybe wear a lighter top", he said, eyeing the think material. I moaned, suddenly less concerned with my body image and more about dehydration. I gulped half the bottle down without taking a breath. "Lets call it a day", he said as my rumbling stomach echoed around the room. I laughed and slowly crawled to my knees, bracing myself for when I would eventually stand up. It was as painful as I expected it to be.

I walked back out into the hall, to find that the boys were no where in sight and headed back up the street to the hotel, feeling disgusting. Time to test out the shower in my room, I thought to myself as I got in the elevator. I passed Papa J in the hallway, who asked me about rehearsals. I groaned and rolled my eyes as an answer and he laughed at me. "Were all heading out to dinner in an hour, if you want to meet in reception", he said, and continued off down the hall. An hour? Better get a move on then.

I hopped quickly in the shower and rooted through my suit case to find something to wear...I say suit case, it was actually more like a big black trunk that held my clothes. I didn't see the point of unpacking, since we were only going to be here two weeks. I went with a dress, feeling the need to be more feminine after a disgusting work out. I quickly pulled back my hair, not having much time to do anything else with it, and headed out. When I reached the reception, it looked like I was the last one there. I hoovered about awkwardly until Demi screamed and ran over to me.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're here! I have so much to tell you tonight", she said pulling me over to the group, with significant looks at Joe. I felt confused but realised they must have eventually talked, after Joe smiled shyly at Demi. Well, it was progress at least. I glanced around and found Nick standing not too far off from Joe, watching me. It was becoming a more common occurrence to find him like this. I wondered when things would go back to us just being able to talk, instead of dancing nervously around each other.

We all headed out to cars, me being with Demi and Alyson. I got to know Alyson a bit better as we were driven to the restaurant and she seemed to relax a bit more around me, asking about the dance rehearsals that morning. I told her how awful they were and worried that I'd never catch up to everyone. Demi was being really supportive, telling me I'd be fine – I had a whole week of private rehearsals before I was expected to join in with the group. "And if you still don't get them", Alyson said to me, "We can always just hide you in the back". We all laughed. It was nice being surrounded by friendly people again, especially ones with a similar sense of humour.

We pulled up in front of the restaurant and I was glad to see it seemed like a normal steak and burger place. I was always nervous when dining with other people that we'd end up at like a sushi bar or something. We piled out and took up half the place, being that there was almost twenty of us. But somehow, I still managed to get placed at a table with Nick. At least this time I wasn't sitting next to him. But after much fussing over who was sitting where, the manager suggested we push a few tables together, so we were all now in one big line. I ended up with Joe on one side, Demi opposite, Nick next to her and Dani next to me. At least I'd have people to talk to during the meal.

After today, I was starved and ordered a steak, not even pretending to feel guilty about it. When the meals were brought out, the usual happened. Demi, Dani and Joe had ordered the chicken salad and Joe's got placed in front of me. I sighed, and gave him the weird looking green thing, recovering my steak from him. I didn't know how they could eat salads and feel full. I did have salad but it was on the side, where it was supposed to be, not as the main meal. I dug into my steak, unceremoniously, not caring that Demi was eyeing it with some disgust. I had the feeling she only ordered the salad as it was what Joe was having. I felt sorry for her – it was obvious to anyone that she was still hung up on him.

Dinner was a lively affair as usual, me managing to stay out of the general spotlight, observing, instead of partaking. It was more comfortable for me that way. Although, I did find that my eyes wandered to Nick more than was healthy and found some sort of cheap thrill in the fact that he was usually already looking at me.

I went to the bathroom near the end of the meal and checked my phone. I'd had two missed calls, both from Sterling. I called him back before heading back to the table. "Hey, what's up?", I asked him.

"Nothing is up. I didn't realise I now needed a reason to call my girlfriend", he said, his tone clearly sulky. I rolled my eyes. Great, it was going to be one of those phone calls.

"I didn't say you had to have a reason, I just wondered why you called twice?", I said, irritation creeping into my voice. There was a loud explosion of laughter from the table and I felt the urge to go join it. Sterling was silent on the other end.

"Emma, I'm going to ask you something, and I want an honest answer". My heart caught in my throat and all the blood drained from my face as a wave of guilt took over. I made a noise down the phone, unsure I was able to answer properly. "Are you cheating on me with Joe?". It took a moment for the words to register. _Joe?_

"Seriously? That what you phoned me for?", I said, my voice raising slightly.

"That wasn't an answer", he replied defensively.

"No Sterling. No I am not cheating on you with Joe. I'm not cheating on you period. But it's nice to see how much you actually trust me", I said angrily and hung up the phone. There was a movement behind me and I turned to see Nick standing there. I sighed, "How long have you been there?", I asked, to tired to feel angry.

"Long enough", he said, shrugging. "You okay?". I smiled at him.

"Of course. Just...it's been a long day". I stood for a moment, staring at my shoes. "Um...you know what? I'm just going to head back to the hotel. Tell the others for me?". I said, not waiting for a reply.

"You want company?", he asked as I walked away. I shook my head, but didn't look back. I creeped out of the restaurant without anyone else seeing me and headed back to the hotel, choosing to walk. It would only take me about a half hour and I needed the time to think. When I saw Nick it had dawned on me, the only reason I felt so angry when Sterling had asked me if I was cheating on him was because of Nick and how I still felt about him. I tried to reason with myself that I hadn't actually done anything wrong. I hadn't acted on any of the feeling with Nick, therefore I hadn't cheated on Sterling. I still didn't feel any better though.

As I reached the hotel, I pushed the feelings to the back of my mind, knowing I'd have to deal with them eventually.


	43. Just Friends

**Just Friends**

I sat in my room alone, just staring at the wall for almost a half hour, before there was a light tap at the door. I was just going to ignore it and fake sleep, when Demi spoke to me. "Hey, I know your in there", she said quietly. I got up of my bed and opened the door. "You left your coat at the table", she said, holding it out to me.

"Thanks", I grabbed the coat off her, and went back to my bed, Demi following me into my room.

"You want to talk about it?", she said, sitting next to me. I shook my head.

"no, it's okay. Tell me about you and Joe", I asked, a poor attempt at changing the subject. She told me how they had met that morning and talked about the relationship and then their friendship.

"I mean, things are still a little bit weird between us, but its getting there", she finished with a smile. We were both laid back on the bed, me staring at the ceiling. "So...Sterling?", she asked. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.

"He thinks I've been dating Joe", I said rolling my eyes. Demi laughed, loudly.

"Well, that's defiantly the wrong Jo bro", she said. I turned to her.

"What is that supposed to mean?", I said sitting up. She slowly sat up next to me, clearly trying to think how to word her next line.

"It's just...well it's pretty obvious to anyone that you two still have..._something_ there", she eyed me nervously. I apologised for jumping down her throat, then sat silent. "Do you still like him?", she asked, picking at my bed. I nodded, unable to say it out loud. "What is it about those boys?". I turned to look at her and we both burst out laughing. I wasn't sure why we were laughing, but we were – like some crazy home wreaking mess. We didn't stop until I rolled over onto the remote and the TV turned on.

I flicked through the channels until I found some crap movie. Demi raided the mini bar and we sat watching and eating junk food, until both of us felt better. I don't know what time I feel asleep at, but it must have been not long after that.

I woke up, with my phone ringing at 8am, the TV still on and Demi still lying next to me in my bed, snoring lightly. "Hello", I said, groggily into the phone.

"Hi, who is this?", Someone said. I pulled the phone back from my ear to check the caller ID, when I realised it wasn't my phone.

"It's Emma, Demi is still asleep", I said, figuring it must be hers.

"Oh, okay. This is her wake up call – she's due at the dance studio in an hour", the person said, then hung up. I lay back on the bed, nudging Demi.

"Stop it", she moaned, rolling over.

"Demi, you've gotta get ready. Dancing and stuff", I said, kicking her lightly. She moaned something incoherent into her pillow, and kicked me back. I lifted the pillow from behind my head, and smacked it over hers. "UP!", I yelled at her.

She slowly sat up, glaring at me, "I'm up, woman. No need to shout", I laughed, and rolled back over, enjoying the fact that I still was able to go back to sleep. I felt her get up and leave the bed. "See ya at lunch", she muttered, and headed off.

I lay on the bed wide awake, cursing whoever called this morning, eventually just getting up five minutes later. I threw on some clothes and wondered if I'd still make breakfast and headed downstairs. There was still people in the dining room, so I headed through and grabbed a bowl of cereal, not in the mood for much else. I sat down at a table by myself and pulled out my phone. Sterling didn't call me back last night, nor did he text me this morning. I was already counting down the days till the end of this relationship and didn't know how I felt about it.

I looked about the hall as I ate, not seeing anyone I knew. Although, they all probably had rehearsals this morning, me being useful to no one till I learned the dances. I finished my breakfast and headed back up to my room for a shower, debating what to do with my morning. I could always wander about the area, but didn't know if I would be needed. I hated this feeling of...uselessness. I liked having something to do -something to take my mind off last night.

I decided to head down to watch the band. There was a fan girl inside me somewhere squealing at the fact I would get to watch the Jonas Brothers perform almost every night for the next month. I packed my gym bag, not sure if I'd have time to get back to the hotel this afternoon.

It was quite a cool morning, surprising since it was still late August. Fall was trying to push summer out the way. I smiled – fall was my favourite season. I walked slowly, taking everything in. It was a nice walk down and was almost sorry when I reached the building. I flashed my ID pass and walked inside, standing still till my eyes adjusted to the darker lights inside.

I hovered awkwardly near the back of the room, watching them run through the set list. As much as he was the youngest on the stage, Nick was defiantly in charge. I watched in awe as he directed them after every song, where he thought improvement was needed, or they were out of time. It amused me – I had never seen the musician side of him before. I eventually sat down on the floor, when my feet were getting tired of standing and just watched them. It was like my own little all access concert- and I loved every minute of it.

I must have been there for almost an hour before anyone noticed I was there. Papa J came over and sat down next to me. "Enjoying the show?", he asked with a smile. I nodded, unable to stop from grinning.

"They really are three of the most amazing guys I have ever met", I said, hearing the pride leak into my voice. Papa J gave a small laugh next to me.

"Well I'm hardly going to be the one to argue with that". We continued to watch for another half hour until they had finished the set, then Papa J got up to go talk to them about it. I was going to try and sneak back out the door, when he turned round to me. "Emma, are you coming over?". He was half way back to the stage, so he had to shout slightly, causing a few of the band members to look over. There went my undercover exit.

I sighed and slowly walked over to the stage. Joe came down to talk to me. "How long were you sitting out there?", he said, pulling my into a sweaty hug.

"Ugh, get off me Joseph!", I said, pushing him away, hoping to avoid the answer but he just continued to look at me expectantly. "Um...not too long", I eventually said, not wanting him to know I was sat there for almost two hours.

"Well, what did you think?", he said, pulling me further over to the stage. I was very aware that everyone was watching me.

"Meh...its alright", I said, casually. Everyone laughed, but I caught Papa J's eye, who just smiled at me knowingly. It was unnerving to have someone know how you felt about something you'd rather keep a secret. I mean, everyone knew I loved the boys but I don't think anyone realised how much. I had even brought along my Jonas Brothers tour hoodie from the previous year, just out of habit, which was now being constantly hidden in my cases so no one would find it.

"Come up and sing with us!", he said, pulling me closer. I squirmed out of his arms and walked a few steps away.

"Maybe later. I'm not in the mood just now", I said, looking at the floor. Truth was, I really hated singing in front of people, which was stupid, considering I was going to be singing in front of a whole arena of people in two weeks. I would have to deal with it eventually, but not today.

Everyone began to disband and do there own thing as morning rehearsals were over. I wandered over to grab my bag out the way of people and just dumped it in a corner instead, deciding it was easier then dragging it back to the hotel.

"Wanna go grab some coffee", Joe asked, walking over to me.

"Sure, why not", I said and headed out towards the street. It took a moment to realise that Nick was walking along with us. I wouldn't have noticed if it wasn't for Joe, who slowed down to walk with him, causing me in turn to slow. I stayed pretty quite, not having spoke to Nick since last night. I kept going over the scene in my head, and almost walked past the shop we were going into.

The two boys walked in front and I trailed behind slightly till they found a table. It was quite secluded, tucked in a corner at the back of the shop. I followed them over again, trailing behind them like a lost sheep.

We sat down and Joe took the coffee orders, saying that this one was one him. "How very big of you, Joe, spending a whole $10", Was my sarcastic reply. Joe just rolled his eyes and went to grab the coffee.

There was an awkward pause at the table, as Nick ad I avoided eye contact. I watched the rest of the people in the store. Nick, presumably, just stared at the wall since that's where he was facing. It made me smirk slightly to think that if someone looked over, they'd wonder why we had even chosen to sit next to each other, considering we weren't even able to look at each other.

"How are you feeling. After last night, I mean", Nick asked, sounding uncomfortable. I turned to look at him but he was staring down at his phone.

"Fine, as always", I said, in an unusually cheery voice. Nick looked sharply up at me, and I wondered if he could tell I was lying. He opened his mouth to say something, but Joe – spot on with his timing as always – placed a tray down on the table in front of us.

"I'll have you know, I spent a whole $15", he said, handing me a cookie. I grinned at him but felt the smile struggle to reach my eyes. Joe obviously sensed the tension, as he sat down at the table and glanced between us but shrugged his shoulders and decided it wasn't worth it. We made awkward conversation between ourselves, without any of the usual banter we normally shared and left the place early, them heading back to the hotel, me to dance practice, deciding that I wanted to skip lunch.

I reached the studio half an hour early, and after getting changed the slowest I had ever gotten changed in my life, I still had fifteen minutes to kill. I went out into the mirrored room and decided to stretch and warm up until Ryan got there.

When he did, he was surprised to find me waiting on him. "Eager to start?", he asked and I nodded out of simplicity. "Okay, lets do this", he said, and got into position for the first dance. I groaned inwardly and tried to make the most of it.

I was amazed to find that at the end of three hours, I had actually managed to learn a dance. Ryan high fived me and told me I was making great progress. The only thing that had went right in the day and it had to have come last!

I grabbed my bag, not bothering to change and headed back to the hotel, wanting nothing more than to crawl back into bed for an hour or two. I hadn't slept properly in three nights and I was exhausted.

I walked along the corridor to my room and noticed him sitting outside my door. He got up as I walked towards him, watching me as I pulled out the card to my room. He stood unnaturally close as I was opening the door and I felt the heat coming off his body. He didn't say a word to me and I was feeling immature, so didn't want to speak first. He was the one waiting outside my door in the first place.

I opened the door and walked into the room and Nick followed. "Can we talk?", he said eventually, as I shifted things about my already messy room. Barley two days and it had looked like my cases had exploded over the floor. I sighed deeply, then turned to him.

"Sure, what's up?", I asked, sitting down on my bed. He stood awkwardly by the door, staring at his feet. I noticed lately how he seemed to have a hard time looking at me. This brought another small smile to my face, as I kicked of my shoes and shuffled up the bed, making myself comfortable, feeling like this was going to be a long conversation.

Nick paced back and forth slightly and gave off an incredibly nervous vibe, so much so that I eventually had to ask him to stop. He stood still instantly, more out of shock than anything and turned to look at me. A strange tension filled the room...like an awkward silence but more. I couldn't quite place my finger on it.

He watched me carefully as he came to sit next to me on the bed, like he was afraid I would run away. He propped up a couple pillows and sat down, stretching his legs out, so soon he was sitting almost mirror image to my own position. I sat with my hands folded in my lap, waiting patently, and at last he talked.

"This afternoon, when you said you were fine?", he began, and turned to look at me. I wasn't aware that he had actually asked a question, so I just shrugged.

"What did you want me to say?", I clenched my hands.

"The truth maybe?". The strange silence filled the room again but I couldn't break it. What did he want me to tell him? That I was having a miserable time with Sterling? Because he clearly already knew that after last night. "Emma, we used to be friends – we used to be able to talk". He said. In self-defence mechanism, my anger rose.

"Well that's not true, for a start. We've never been friends. It went from me having a crush on you, to me hating you, then to us dating. We've never been just friends". I kicked the blankets at my feet, wanting to curl up under them. It struck me as odd that we were never able to have a conversation without one of us getting angry...although lately it had just been mostly me – or at least me who started it.

Nick took a deep breath beside me. "Okay, maybe that is true – but I'd like to change that", he said, turning to look at me. "I want us to be friends – it would be easier for everyone that way". I nodded but the last little comment stuck in my head. Was he just here because everyone was so sick of us being strange around each other? Nick sat up on the bed but never got up. He hesitated before turning to look at me over his shoulder.

"Do you want to maybe order room service tonight then, watch a movie...and talk?", he asked. It was my turn to hesitate. My head was screaming a thousand different warnings at me, "Nope, bad idea! Do not say yes! Don't you dare say yes. Its not good! Danger",but my heart pulled rank and answered for me.

"Sure, why not", I answered and he smiled at me, relief lighting him up. He got up off the bed and left the room. It was only then I realised what the strange vibe was – expectancy.


	44. Here We Go Again

**Here We Go Again**

I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning my room and getting ready. I didn't know why, but I was growing more and more nervous as the day dragged on. The rest of the family were going out for dinner as usual and I couldn't help but wonder what they would think when Nick told them he wouldn't be joining them as we were hanging out. Actually I could imagine, which was worse.

I was just sorting out the bed when there was a knock at the door. I walked over to it and took a deep breath, plastered a smile on my face, then opened it. Nick walked in carrying a bag of snacks and stood uncertainly by the door. I was determined to make things as non-awkward as possible, so turned to him, still smiling and told him to make himself at home.

We sat on the bed and looked through the room service menus, both just deciding to get burgers. He called up room service and ordered for us – which I smiled genuinely at. It was like old times, when he would just order for me. I felt myself relaxing slightly, the tension in my shoulders fading a bit.

We flicked through the pay per view trying to find a film but it was proving quite unsuccessful. Neither of us wanted to watch the same movies and we were quite close to an argument, when our food arrived. As Nick got up to answer the door and I quickly bought a film, leaving us no choice but to watch it. When Nick sat back down, handing me my food, he looked at the screen.

"You ordered a movie?", he said, his eyebrow rising. I just nodded.

"You'll like it. Promise", I said and tucked into my burger. He watched the screen until the film started, while I watched his reaction. I had chosen Up, deciding that a kids film was a good compromise between us. Plus it was a bloody great film and I loved watching it. Nick gave a small smile when he saw what it was and I took that as his approval and turned back to the TV to watch it. Nick reached down into the bag he had brought and handed me a bottle of water taking a long drink from his own.

It was nice just lying watching the film, not arguing for a change. It was the first time there hadn't really been any uncomfortable vibes in between us in a while. We laughed at all the same bits in the film, particularly when they discovered Kevin was a girl. "Kevin is a girl", Nick said quietly and I laughed a bit louder.

After we had finished our meals, I automatically pushed the blankets back and slid under them, lying down on the bed to watch the film. Nick seemed surprised and I couldn't help but wonder why. It wasn't like I had asked him to join me. I lay on my right side, which meant I was facing Nick, and couldn't help but seem to watch him, rather than the movie. He was much more interesting. My eyes followed the line of his arms – which had seemed to have exploded since they started rehearsing – up the side of his neck down his jaw line and finished on his lips.

He smiled at the film and I noticed he did have a bit of a crooked smile. But to me it was one of the most beautiful, perfect smiles I had ever seen – not matter how rarely I saw it. It took me a moment to realise Nick was looking down at me and I focused my eyes back to the TV, muttering sorry and blushing deeply. I didn't look at him much after that.

I must have fallen asleep at some point as I opened my eyes and Finding Nemo was on. I was slightly confused and was about to sit up when I realised my head was on Nicks stomach, who was slouched down on the bed. I froze instantly, not wanting to let him know I was awake. I debated shutting my eyes and rolling over away from him, pretending to still be asleep – that way I wouldn't ever have to admit realising that I had ended up curled into him. I was about to roll over, when I felt Nicks thumb rub up and down my back, that I became aware that he had his arm around me. My heart sped up and I suddenly was not so eager to move. I lay perfectly still, deepening my breaths and tilted my head slightly so I could still watch the film, lying like that for a while.

My head moved up and down with every breath he took and I was ridiculously comfortable. It reminded me greatly of the plane ride to New York – which then led me to think about the events which followed. I got butterflies in my stomach, like I had missed a step walking down a flight of stairs – which was soon replaced by a very small wave of guilt...which was quickly quietened by a feeling of contentment. I hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time.

Nick shuffled about slightly and I worried that I was annoying him. I shut my eyes quickly as he sat up and pretended to be asleep as he gently lifted my head and carefully placed it back on the pillows. I thought he was leaving the room but was relieved when he just went into the bathroom.

I thought this would be a good time to "wake up", so I sat up on the bed and waited for him to come back. When he did finally come back, he looked surprised to find me awake. "I'm so sorry, did I wake you?", he said, sitting back down next to me. I shook my head.

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep – you should have just kicked me or something", I smiled at him and he returned it.

"Yeah, I probably should have", and I laughed in slight shock. Nick reached for the remote and turned the TV down a bit but continued to stare at it. "So...are you awake enough to have that talk?", he asked, still not looking at me.

I hesitated, "um...no?". I thought I had maybe escaped the talk – or hadn't realised he was quite so serious about it. He gave a small smile.

"Okay, how about I talk and you can listen", he said as I suddenly found my finger nails super interesting, and focused all my attention on them, the familiar blush rising in my cheeks, my chest tightening slightly.

"I can't help but think back to the night when you first met – when you first met Sterling", he said, sounding nervous. "I wonder if I hadn't paid more attention to you, would all this have happened. And I thought about it a lot while I was away and realised it was a good thing...us breaking up, I mean". My chest tightened worse, but for all the wrong reasons. I felt a frown cross my face and turned my head to hide my reaction from Nick, letting my hair fall across my face.

"When you texted me, that night", Nick continued – although he sounded like he was struggling with the words, "I did genuinely mean it when I said I missed you. But not as a girlfriend". I began to wish that I had just pretend to be asleep. Nothing in the world could be worse than how horrible I was feeling inside at this particular moment. I wanted to get up off the bed – walk away from him and tell him I didn't need to hear this, that he thought I was such a crap person. But I was frozen to the spot, watching my train wreak of a life unfold before me.

"It took me going away to realise what an awful couple we were together. I mean we fought almost all the time and hardly agreed on anything. And I was angry at myself for missing something so much that was so bad for me". Nick paused and looked up at me. But I still kept my head firmly turned away from him. I knew if I looked at him I would either get angry, or cry...or both.

"But when you said this afternoon, about us never really being friends – you were right. We never were. And I think that what one of our biggest problems was". I was confused now, his tone had softened and I could feel he was still looking at me while he was talking. I wondered where exactly this conversation was going now.

Nick reached over and grabbed my hand, causing me to turn and look at him. It was a mistake on my part as once I looked at him, I couldn't look away. "So I am going to change that, Emma", He said to me, with a slight smile. "I'm going to get to know you as a friend, because when we try this relationship again – and we will try it again – this time, it's going to work". I sat back, feeling the shock settle into me.

Nick let go of my hand and reached over brushing the hair behind my ear and kissed me on the cheek. He got up off the bed and headed towards the door, turning as he left, "Sweet dreams", he said closing the door softly behind him.

The TV seemed louder now, that the room was so quiet. "Do you know what I do when life gets me down?", I could hear Dory saying. "I just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming".

I was still sitting on the bed, wondering what the hell had just happened.

Unfortunately, this will be the last chapter...for about a month. I'm going backpacking around Europe in a couple of days and being really selfish and not updating while I'm away. So I will be writing more to this story – I couldn't just leave it at this...well I could but I won't. So Promise I'll update again. You just have to wait a while for it.

Ps if you have actually read this far – you are in fact, epic!


	45. Two More Lonely People

Two More Lonely People

The next couple of days were strange to say the least. Nick was true to his word and made a genuine effort around me, so much so that the uncomfortable silences I had grown so used to around him disappeared. We got into a nice routine where we would wake up, go for breakfast somewhere then he would head to band rehearsals and I would either sit and watch or go do some exploring. I learned a lot about him in those days – more then I had ever learned when we were together.

Demi freaked out when I told her what had happened. "Oh my God! That's so cute, like something out of a fairytale!". I may have rolled my eyes slightly, but she either didn't notice of chose to ignore it. "But you guys aren't dating?", she asked looking confused. I shook my head. "But you will be eventually?", and I nodded. "So...is he dating other people just now?". I paused. In all of our conversations, finding out about each other, it was never something that had been brought up – I had never even considered it. Demi continued to stare at me, waiting on an answer. I struggled, but finally said,

"I genuinely have no idea". She pulled a face and I was worried. I showed her the gossip column I had been featured in that morning as a distraction – I had found it quite amusing. There was small, snarky comments appearing every so often – something I suppose you had to get used to, being in constant close contact with a Jonas – but this one was ridiculous. It was headlined, "WHICH JONAS WILL SHE CHOOSE?", followed by two pictures: one of me hugging Joe and one of me having breakfast with Nick.

_'Fairly new to the scene, Emma O'Neill, is certainly making the rounds. Pictured here with two f the three brothers, she certainly seems to know what she's doing. _

_After being spotted almost daily with the middle brother, Joe, while in LA she now seems to have set her sights on the youngest while in Chicago, rehearsing for the upcoming Jonas Brother tour. One of our sources say the later have even been caught having a romantic night in together. _

_I guess it's now just a waiting game to see which she will choose"._

The fist thing I did was go on twitter, telling everyone, that I was not in fact, dating either brother. Its was a slight technicality but I didn't really feel too guilty posting it. This seemed to shut a few people up – for a couple days at least. The second thing I did was show the article to Demi, who I thought would at least laugh a little with me. I was really surprised when she turned to me and said,

"Its kind of sad, really, that Sterling wasn't mentioned once in this". I sat back for a moment and said – half to myself -

"Oh yeah...I forgot we were kind of still dating". Demi looked shocked and I knew it was a mistake to have said it out loud. It was easy to forget about someone when you hadn't seen them in over a month, or spoke to them in over a week. The last time we had spoken was our fight on the phone and if I was perfectly, and brutally, honest, it didn't bother me all that much. But I was still too much of a coward to end things. It was strange that I had done it with Nick so easily. Maybe it was because I knew I was going straight into another relationship. The thought bothered me – I had never before been one of those girls who needed a relationship – I was always perfectly content on my own.

But, the thing about living alone was it made you realise, alone in your house at night, how lonely you could actually become. And I knew there was people around me all the time but it was a different kind of intimacy you could get from a relationship. During the day, it wasn't so bad – you could be kept busy. But it wasn't until I was lying alone in yet another hotel room, I realised just how much I missed my family. I never told anyone this though, as I knew how much the Jonas family had virtually adopted me and I didn't want to hurt their feelings – again. But having Nick around, looking out for me, knowing he cared for me...it was nice.

"Just be careful", Demi said, bringing me back down to earth. "Joe and I...we did the whole friend thing first – and getting over that, then getting back to that", she hesitated. "Let's just say it hasn't been easy". I looked over at her her serious tone sending warning bells off in my mind. I had thought things were okay between her and Joe. They had been giving a better appearance of it lately – okay maybe they weren't back to their buddy buddy selves, but they were talking and being friendly...well civil. She had seemed okay with it the other day and was confused as to what had changed since then, I wanted to go ask her if she was okay but she left at that moment, leaving me with troubled thoughts and countless questions.

I wanted to go talk to Nick, to get a few things sorted out but I had other commitments – like dance practice. It was my last solo lesson and tomorrow I would be joining with the rest of the group and I was nervous as hell that I would mess it up and forget all the moves.

I was walking over to dance practice when someone called my name. I turned automatically and saw Joe running towards me so I slowed to let him catch up. "Hey, I hear we're dating", he said with a massive grin. I managed a small laugh that sounded as sarcastic and insincere as it was meant to. "What's up with you", Joe said, poking me in the ribs.

I sighed, not sure if this was my place to ask but knew that I was about to anyway. Choosing my words carefully, I started slowly, "I showed those articles to Demi this morning..", I glanced up at Joe, who's face was turning redder and more concealed. I debated if I should continue or let it drop. "...She didn't seem to find them so funny". I didn't even know exactly what I was hinting at, but Joe must have known it was something. We walked on in silence, me playing with words in my head before I decided being blunt was the best way. I took a deep breath, "Joe...did- did something happen -",

"Just stay out of it Emma, okay. Its none of your business", Joe finally snapped at me then stormed off in front, leaving me standing shocked on the side walk. After a moment I started walking along again, thinking to myself. What the hell was his problem? Joe and I had always gotten on so well and had never had secrets between each other before. He was even the one I had poured my heart out to just a few weeks earlier.

I frowned to myself and looked for Joe as I walked into the rehearsals building. I found him sitting at the side of the stage totally absorbed in his phone. I found it suspicious that he never once looked up from it and realised this was his way of ignoring me. Fine, if he wanted to play it like that, it suited me fine. I walked over to my dance class, ignoring him as he was me.

When I finally got out – feeling sweaty and gross, Nick was waiting for me. I smiled at him, then remembered my conversation with Demi this morning and the smile disappeared. A small frown formed on his face at the look of mine. "What's wrong?", he asked, grabbing the gym bag I was carrying and slung it onto his shoulder. I shook my head, not wanting to cause drama between us again. I forced a smile onto my face and walked along side him back to the hotel. "Were all going to go out for dinner tonight, if your up for it", he said, still watching me closely.

I widened my smile, turning to him and said, "Sounds great. Any idea where we're going?". I was smiling so much my face was starting to hurt.

"No idea, just know were eating", he said and I forced a laugh. I reached my room and to my surprise, Nick followed me in. "okay, what's wrong?", he asked, putting my bag down on the floor. I just shrugged but didn't peruse the subject. "Emma, come on, talk to me...its what friends do", he said with just the right amount of pleading and the right tone of hurt to endue me to talk.

"I got in a fight with Joe this morning and I'm not even sure what over and...I don't know, I guess its just been playing on my mind". Okay, so it wasn't exactly a lie but it wasn't really what was bothering me either. I felt awful enough after my conversation with Demi, without saying to Nick I didn't want him to date other people, even though I was still in a relationship.

Nick, however, seemed to buy it. He came over to me and looked like he was about to wrap his arms around me, so I stood back slightly. He frowned, but rubbed my arm anyway, trying to rid the awkward moment. It didn't work. "I'm sure what ever it is, you to will get over it – you always do". He checked his watch and pulled a face. "Sorry, I've really got to go get ready. We can talk more later?", he asked hopefully and I nodded half-heartedly.

All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep away the horrible day – instead I dutifully dragged me ass to the shower and cleaned up for a night I wasn't looking forward to.

The dinner ended up just being with the younger people on the tour – the adults either being too fed up of us or, "Date night", as Nick told me when I asked where his parents were. I chose to arrive with Demi – avoiding the Jonas clan was easier when you were with her. Also I didn't think it was the best idea arriving at a restaurant with Nick after all those articles – it would only make them worse. I was also careful to make sure I didn't sit next to him but somehow managed to end up across the table from Joe. When Demi saw she was almost sat opposite him, she quickly manoeuvred me into that seat instead.

I glanced up at Joe and he returned the look with a cold glare, that didn't quite escape the notice of a few people. We ordered our meals and the table sat in uncomfortable silence. There was defiantly too much drama in this group.

A couple of people cracked some jokes and I joined in with the laughter – mainly just for something to do. When our food eventually came, everyone wore the same slightly relieved look. I searched the table for salt and found it right next to Joe.

"Joe, could you pass the salt", I asked him. Joe ignored me – he didn't even look up from his plate. "Joseph", I aid, a little sharper. He looked up, glared at me, picked up the salt and placed it in front of my plate, more forcefully than necessary, then went back to his meal. I was aware that the rest of the table was starting to stare but I couldn't let it pass without a remark. I was getting too angry. "What the hell is your problem", I hissed quietly across the table at him.

Joe leaned back in his chair and looked up at me. "Wow, you really have to ask what _my_ problem is", he said with a smirk.

"Joe leave it", Nick said from further down the table. I looked down at him then back at Joe.

"Leave what?", I asked, growing more impatient as the seconds ticked on. Joe just continued to smirk at me from across the table.

"I just think that its pretty rich that you can sit there and judge everyone else and their relationships when you yourself are stringing my little brother along". I felt my face grow hot – whether from anger or shame, I wasn't quite sure – but for one thing, I was seriously confused.

"Care to explain this little speech, I didn't quite follow", I said, bitterness creeping into my tone.

"Well, just that you don't want Nick to see anyone else, yet you're quite content being in a relationship leaving him to just wait about until you're ready".

I sat back, gob-smacked. I was so confused – I hadn't even told Nick, I had purposely left that out from him. I had only mentioned it to one person...

I turned to demi, who was so focused on her plate and refused to make eye contact with me. I shook my head in disgust at her, not even dignify her actions with a comment.

"Okay, fine, I did say those things – I thought in confidence, but hell, I probably should have known better. But you know what, I felt horrible for feeling them, worse because I knew how bad it looked. But I wonder if you noticed I hadn't actually said anything to Nick – never once asked him not to date anyone else", I looked down at Nick, who was also frowning at the table. The frustration was building inside me. "And one more thing", I said, getting up from the table, "None of this was my idea. Nick told me he was willing to wait. I didn't ask him for anything. So before you go bitching at me about stories that had been twisted behind my back, get your facts straight first". I couldn't resist cursing under my breath as I walked away. "Fucking pricks".

I left the restaurant alone. No one followed me home.

Sorry it's taken me so long to get this up - but life has been crazy since I got back! But i am back baby, with a whole notepad full of chapters :D


	46. Nobody Wins

**Nobody Wins**

One of the first things I realised when I got back to the hotel was that I hadn't actually eaten yet and I was in fact, quite hungry. I ordered room service then paced back and forth, unable to settle down. I couldn't believe what had just happened – and Joe of all people to turn on me? And then Demi – demi to just stab me in the back like that. It was so...unbelievable! The more I thought about it the more angry I became – they all had just ganged up on me.

The door went and I got a slight fright but rushed over to it, glad to have something to take my mind off things. I threw open the door ready to tip the guy but stood rooted to the spot.

"Sterling!". I didn't know how to react. After everything that had happened tonight, now this? I paused, then flung myself forward onto him and held on as tightly as possible. I wasn't entirely sure what had come over me – considering I had spent this morning discussing how I should break up with him, but I guess I was just happy to see a friendly face.

Sterling stumbled slightly before returning the hug. "Woah, you okay?", He asked and I pulled back slightly to get a better look at him. Shock was still etched into his face as he handed me over a bunch of roses. I even managed a small smile and I took them and led him into my room.

"Just glad to see you I guess", I said, quietly, my back still to him as the awkwardness crept over me. "Sorry, it was just so unexpected seeing you – I don't...". I wasn't sure how to finish the sentence, leaving it trailing off into nothing. But Sterling either didn't notice or didn't care.

"Hey, don't be sorry. I'm the one who should be saying that to you. In fact, I had fully expected to come here and grovel for forgiveness, so this works out better for me", he finished, smiling warm and openly. Part of the Sterling I first feel for had somehow made its way into the darkness that was threatening this night. That smile was one of the reasons I took a chance with him. There was a small fluttering inside that I hadn't felt in a while. I frowned in confusion and noticed Sterling's smile falter but not wanting to ruin the moment, I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the bed.

We lay for a while, me half on top of him, cuddling in. "Hey, what's wrong?", he asked so gently, rubbing his hand up and down my back. I couldn't help the slow tears that began to fall from my eyes, trying to hide them from Sterling. It didn't work. "Emma, what is it? Talk to me". I shook my head, burring it tighter into his side.

"Its nothing, really", I muttered quietly. He sat so still, holding me close to him.

"Please?", He whispered so quietly. I couldn't resist and soon felt the whole story flooding from me.

"It's just been so hard. These past few weeks and all the drama and the moving and the not sleeping and being away from my family and missing everything in their lives and I don't know how much I more I can take".

Sterling sat quietly and I hoped it was just because it was a lot to process – not because I had freaked him out and he now thought I was totally insane. After a moment he pulled back from me.

"What drama?", He said confused. I took a deep breath, icing over the top.

"Oh you know, the usual who is she dating crap and people being mean about it".

"Yeah, fan can sometimes be pretty awful", he wrongly assumed and I chose not to correct him. "I saw your tweet. I guess hats what made me come here – I just felt so-",

"Its okay. It's in the past", I cut him off feeling really horrid. The door went and I hoped that this time it was my food.

"Nick", I said, severely lacking in enthusiasm when I opened the door. "What do you want?", and icy bite in my voice, I stood back, pulling the door open wider.

"I just wanted to – Sterling, hi man", he said when he noticed him on the bed. My glare was cold and hard when Nick turned back to me with raised eyebrows.

"Sterling, the wonderful boyfriend that he is, Showed up like 15 minutes ago", I said doing my best to sound cheerful, but kept my back turned to Sterling so he wouldn't see the disgust on my face.

"Emma, can we talk a minute?", Nick asked, indicating to the hallway. I looked him up and down, before replying.

"No, I really don't think we can". I stood back and closed the door, pausing for a moment before turning back to Sterling, trying to collect myself. I was concerned to see the look of suspicion and confusion on his face.

"Everything okay?", He asked carefully, leaning forward to me. I shrugged lightly.

"We got into a small fight earlier and I'm not in the mood to continue it tonight". I didn't offer any other explanation and he didn't ask for one. After a long awkward pause there was a knock at the door, which I eyed with caution. But a call of room service sent me rushing towards it taking the food with a small amount of constraint on my part and digging into it. After a moment, I turned to Sterling.

"Have you eaten yet", I said with some unwillingness to offer my food for sharing.

He cleared his throat, "Yeah, yes I have. I'm actually just going to go get a room or something, grab a shower. I guess I'll see you in the morning", he said and headed to the door. I was slightly confused at his sudden departure but forgot to be worried about it when I heard him speak in the corridor. "Oh, hey Demi". I sat still on the bed, debating if I would make it to the door to shut it before she reached it.

"Emma, can we talk?". I felt the anger bubbling up before it exploded.

"You wanna talk? Sure, lets talk. How about we talk about how you stabbed me in the back by telling everyone something I told you in private?".

"I didn't tell everyone, just Joe -".

"Or how about we talk about how when I was getting torn apart at dinner, you – someone I thought was my friend- never said one word in my defence?". I stared angrily at her, not even sure I wanted an answer but glad to have it off my chest.

"Look Joe came to me and told me that he was dating again. I freak and found talking about you and Nick easier".

"You broke up three months ago and you told me everything was fine – why did you suddenly change your mind?", I said beginning to yell.

"Okay, he broke up with me. And I had liked him for years – that doesn't just go away! And we _were _fine, right up until the point he told me he was over it – had moved on, and was now dating someone else!", she shouted back.

We stood at opposite ends of the room, glaring at each other. "I'm sorry", Demi finally said, "That's all I can say. I'm sorry and I would never do that to you again". She sounded so sincere that I finally caved – but I knew I'd never be able to trust her, at least, not for a long time. I felt a divide grow between us in that moment.

"So do you want to talk or anything?", Demi said softly. I looked down at my dinner that was probably cold by now.

"No, I'm just going to finish my food and go to sleep. It has been a very long day and I have a bad feeling tomorrow is going to be even longer". Demi nodded and took it as the dismissal it was and left me alone to my thoughts.

I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around everything that had happened. First with Joe, and how mean he could actually be. Then Nick telling him just to leave it, which clearly meant they had been talking about it earlier. And Demi...well that was mostly sorted but at the same time it was so inexcusable what she did in the first place! And then Sterling just showing up like that without warning. It threw me out of loop and I had no idea what to do about him.

After a restless nights sleep, I woke up two hours before my alarm just as the sun was beginning to rise. I felt as though I had barely shut my eyes and felt no better rested than the night before.

I decided a walk would do me good – the fresh air would hopefully clear my head a bit. I opened my door and almost leapt 10 foot in the air when I realised someone was sleeping in the corridor outside my room. On closer inspection I found it was Nick. My first thought was to quickly step over him but I found myself kneeling down next to him, confused as to why the hell he was sleeping there.

I shook him lightly and he woke with a start, wiping the sleep from his eyes. "Hey. What time is it?", he asked, slowly sitting up.

I smiled at how innocent he looked, huddled up in his grey hoodie, sitting on the floor. "Its about 5.30am", I said he he groaned. "Nick...what are you doing?", I said sitting down on the floor next to him.

"I didn't want to miss you, or let you avoid me all day. So I planned to sit out here until you came out. Obviously it didn't quite go to plan...what with falling asleep and everything". He smiled at me and I shrugged.

"Yes, I can see that". There was a slight pause between us and Nick frowned. I knew that look. That was his 'I'm about to say something serious and important' look. I groaned inwardly. Was 5.30am not too early to have this sort of talk?

"About last night -",

"Do we really have to do this now?".

"Yea. About last night, I'm sorry. Joe was out of line for everything he said and he knows it. He wanted to come and see you last night but I told him you'd probably punch him in the face or something". I laughed and nodded. I probably would have at least attempted to. "This was what I was going to say last night before – before I realised you had company". I looked down at the floor, suddenly embarrassed.

"I still mean everything I said though. I'm willing to wait for you. And just so you know, I have no interest in dating other people. That thought honestly never occurred to me. For now, I'm happy to just be here as your friend". I nodded slowly, letting the words sink in. Yet again he was being the perfect gentleman and I had a boyfriend some where, in a room I didn't even know because he left in a hurry and never contacted me. I sighed deeply.

"Wanna talk about it", Nick said, reaching for my hand. I shook my head, focusing on our hands. Nick linked his fingers through mine letting our hands fall into his lap. It was amazing how comforting one small gesture could be. I wanted to lean in close to him and never let go. I managed to repress the urge and instead stood up for my walk.

"You should go to bed – get a real sleep. I'm going to go for some fresh air". He offered his company, but I told him he would be no use to me asleep. He argued that he was fine, as he fought to keep his eyes open.

He walked one way to his room, I the other to the lift. He stood at his door watching me until the elevator closed. I exhaled deeply, glad for the solitude at last.


	47. Hanging By A Moment

**Hanging By A Moment**

I wasn't really aware of how long I had been out or where I was going. I was just glad to be away from it all, if only for a little while. The streets were pretty quiet and I did no more than wander around – sometimes thinking, but mostly just trying to push everything to the back of my mind. I didn't even know how to begin to handle the situation. I wanted Nick but I didn't want to hurt Sterling. What I really needed was someone to talk to but I felt I couldn't trust Demi and I hadn't forgiven Joe. Things were a mess – and that was putting it nicely.

My phone vibrated and I pulled it out of my pocket. My younger sister had sent me a picture with the caption, "Congrats Auntie Emma!", with a photo of the cutest baby boy I had ever seen. Tears welled In my eyes as I looked down at the photo – my nephew. I felt so out of touch with my family – I hadn't even known my sister was in labour, no one had thought to call or text or even email! I phoned home straight away, hoping it wasn't too early there.

After 5 minutes on the phone, I found a bench to sit on, suddenly remembering that my Mam could and would talk for ever. But it was nice to hear her voice, something I hadn't actually heard in a few weeks. Life had been so...busy here, I hadn't really had a spare couple of hours to talk to her. It made me sad and happy at the same time. It had been a truly overwhelming 24 hours and I could imagine the next few being any better.

I was due in rehearsals in half an hour, sharing a room with the same people whom I had been publicly humiliated in front of the night before...not my idea of fun. But unfortunately it was the situation I was faced with. I did, in all fairness, bring most of it on myself – it would be more immature to just blame others.

When I reached the outside of the building I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what ever lay inside. I pushed the door open and tried to cross the room as quickly as possible, feeling the stares burn into my back as the hissing of whispers rose. I had almost made it right the way over, when someone called out my name. "Emma, hey, wait up!". I slowed down but didn't stop. Joe grabbed my arm and turned me round to him.

"Emma. Seriously just stop a minute". I paused and tried my best to focus a glare at him, ignoring the rising colour in my cheeks. Over his shoulder I could see the whole room watching us. "Look, I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to describe how sorry I am. I couldn't even see the line last night, I had crossed it so far". He looked at me, his eyes pleading. I let the glare drop, replacing it with a look that was merely bored.

"What ever Joe. I'm over it", I said shrugging and pulling my arm out of his grip and walking away.

"Let me make it up to you? Please? I'm going to have a movie night in my suite tonight – you know, help everyone bond a bit better. I want you to come. Sterling – you should come too, man". I froze turning slowly round.

He was wearing that look again. Somewhere between anger and confusion. But somehow it seemed more intense than last night – darker. I shook my head, "No, I don't think that's a good idea", I said to Joe.

"I do", Sterling interjected. There was a bite to his tone. "I would _love _to see how you usually act around everyone here". I hesitated, not sure what to make of him. He was annoyed – maybe even angry but I wasn't sure why. Surely no one would have said anything to him about the argument or it's reasons. Sterling walked towards me, holing my purse in his hand. "I found this outside your door". I took my purse off him, not even realising I had left it behind. "You must have forgotten to pick it up this morning when you got up from the floor". I froze.

Sterling stormed off and I couldn't even move. The blood that moments before had been rushing to my face, now sat icy in my chest. What did he mean? Had he been there this morning? Had he seen Nick and I? I didn't think that was even possible – it was a pretty small corridor, I would have seen him in it.

"You okay?", Joe asked, pulling me back to reality. I dumbly nodded my head, my anger quickly forgotten. I slowly wandered off to practice, barely aware off my feet on the ground, feeling dizzy and sick.

I spent the next three hours trapped in my own little world. It was surprising how much my nerves about joining the group had disappeared. But being totally freaked out could do that to you. I wanted to talk to Sterling – before tonight. I didn't even know what was going through his head and was worried about the hints he had made.

"Hey Emma", someone said tentatively. I turned around to see Demi looking slightly embarrassed.

"Oh, hey", I said, walking over to her. I was about to tell her what had happened with Sterling, when I stopped myself. I still couldn't trust her – even though I doubted this would be something she'd run off and tell everyone, I couldn't bring myself to say it. I stood kind of awkwardly next to her till we were the only ones in the room.

"Are you okay?", she asked and I just nodded.

"I'm going to go get lunch", I said and began walking away. "You coming?", I said over my shoulder, when I realised Demi hadn't moved.

"Oh, yeah – I just – I didn't know if...Yeah, I'm coming".

We walked over to the lunch table and made our way down the line. I filled my plate pretty full of food and sat over at an empty table. I could see Nick trying to make eye contact with me, but I chose to ignore it. Not that I was still angry – I would just have a harder job pretending everything was alright. Demi and I sat in almost complete silence, neither of us really touching our food. I didn't think my stomach would handle anything heavier than water so I stuck to that.

After about 10 minutes of both of us not eating, Demi looked up at me. "Wanna get out of here", and I smiled.

"Gladly".

We were both due back in an hour for more practice but I needed out – if only for a little while. We threw our plates in the bin and headed back down the street towards the hotel. When we reached the door, Demi turned to me. "I think I'm gonna go for a walk or something", She said and I just nodded. I watched her walk down the street, before heading up into the hotel. I was going as slowly as possible, trying to postpone the moment when I would have to confront Sterling.

But first, I'd have to find out which room he was in, feeling slightly guilty over still not knowing. I got his room number from reception and headed up, pausing before knocking on the door. I took a deep breath, then knocked. Silence. I tried again, but there was no answer.

I headed back up to my room, calling Sterling as I went. The phone rung 3 or 4 times and then went to the answering machine. He was ignoring me. I sat on the edge of my bed and debated what to do, before sending him a text. "_Sterling, we really need to talk. Please at least call me back_". I sent the text off then headed back to work, hoping that this afternoon didn't feel as long as this morning did.

Joe wanted us in his room at 7 and I was still undecided as to whether or not I was actually going to go. The decision was made for me, however, when Sterling showed up at my door. "You ready?", he said, when I opened the door.

"Sterling, what the hell? I've been calling you all day!", I said, annoyed. Sterling just shrugged and stepped to one side. I walked into the hall, pulling the door closed behind me. "Look I get you're angry at me, but can we at least talk about it?". Sterling walked off in front of me not answering my question. I sighed in frustration then followed him into Joe's room. Everyone was mostly already here – the only person I couldn't see was Demi and I wondered if she'd come along.

Nick was smiling at me from the other side of the room and I threw him a small smile in return – which I regretted almost instantly. Sterling was watching everything I did. I turned my back on both of them and headed off to find Joe.

He was standing in the corner talking to a group of people, and as much as I was still mad at him I couldn't really face the alternative. "Hey, you came", he said, pulling me into his usual hug. I returned it with considerably less enthusiasm. "Listen, I need to talk to you. Its about the thing I told Demi...", I racked my brain, trying to remember if Demi had said anything to me but it was coming up blank.

"Okay", I said slowly, not sure where this was going.

"Not tonight though", he said, looking about the room. "Tomorrow, over coffee maybe? Or lunch, I know its a day off, so if you want to sleep late that's cool". I was confused at Joe's nervousness. He wasn't in general someone you could describe as being nervous. I just nodded at him and he walked over to the TV.

"Okay, so I have here a selection of movies we are going to watch tonight- no arguments!", he said and turned to put the first film in. I wasn't really aware of the movie – I was still struggling over who I should sit next too – both Nick and Sterling still watching me. It was like two opposites – Nick smiling, warm and inviting; Sterling glaring and cold. But I sucked it up and went over to the hostile side of the room.

"Please, don't force yourself to side with me", was the snide remark I got. I crossed my arms and tried to focus on the film. After it was finished I still had no idea what it was about or what had happened. I turned to Sterling to talk to him but he was firmly staring ahead.

"Are you even going to talk to me tonight?", I asked quietly.

"Why don't you just go talk to Nick – I think its clear to everyone you'd much rather be over there with him", He said loudly. A few people turned to look; the conversation died down slightly. _Oh please! Please tell me he wasn't going to make a scene here". _

"Can we talk outside, please?", I said pleadingly to him.

"Why not here, I'm sure everyone already knows everything anyway – well, everyone but me that is". I stood up and walked out of the room only turning back to see that he was following me,

I waited until the door clicked shut until I exploded, not realising at the time that everyone would probably hear everything anyway. "Really? That was really necessary?", I shouted at him. Sterling laughed as sarcasticly as he could.

"you're honestly trying to take the moral high road on this one? I'm sorry but the fact that your seeing someone behind my back -"

"Nick and I aren't dating, you moron", I said to him, "Would it kill you to talk to me instead of believing everything you hear?". He just smirked at me.

"Oh but you see sweetie, this one I didn't hear. I saw it for myself this morning". I looked confused so Sterling continued. "I went to Demi's room last night, because quite clearly she was upset. I must have fallen asleep or something, but when I left this morning, I saw you and Nick sitting in the hallway together. And I couldn't help over hear a few things". We stood in silence for a moment.

"Was it Nick that you broke up with for me?", he asked quietly. I couldn't even look at him, I just nodded. He sighed deeply, "I'm sorry Emma – but were done". I looked up at him and all I could see on his face was sadness. My heart broke apart.

Sterling lightly touched my arm and then walked off. I couldn't even wrap my head around what had happened – was this not what I wanted? Why did I feel so sad then? I walked back to my room, not even giving a second thought to going back to Joe's.

I didn't bother turning the light on, just sat in my bed. I couldn't even think, my mind had frozen. In fact, my whole body felt sort of numb and heavy.

I sat there, barely moving, unaware of time until the sun began to creep through the curtains.


	48. When It All Falls Apart

**When It All Falls Apart**

I sat there in that numb state, barely paying attention to the thoughts that floated in and out of my head. This was what I had wanted right? Something that I was too much of a coward to do. So why was it affecting me so badly? Was it the pain of humiliation again? No that didn't feel like it. So what was it?

I turned my head as I heard a key in my door. I could barley muster up the emotion to feel curios. Joe walked into the room, carrying a tray of food. "Oh, hey", He said with surprise. He closed the door gently and sat down beside me. "I was hoping to wake you up with breakfast in bed..but", he placed the tray to one side, then looked me up and down. "Emma, did you sleep at all last night?".

"A little", I lied. Joe just pulled a face.

"Want to talk about it?", he said, wrapping his arm around me. I shook my head. I didn't want to have to think about it, never mind talk about it. "Okay. Well, eat your breakfast and get ready and I'll take you out to coffee". I turned slowly to look at him.

"Joe, I'm not really in the mood -",

"No, you think I'm going to let you sulk up here all day? Come on, you promised me you would go out today and regardless of what happened last night, a promise is still a promise". I nodded, knowing he would never let it go unless I said yes. "Make sure you eat that", he said pointing to the tray. I nodded again.

Once he had left the room, I covered back up the food – the smell of it was making me sick. I grabbed the cup of coffee and wandered over to the windows. It was turning out to be a lovely morning. I scowled at the sunshine and headed back towards the bed, remaining there until the coffee had gone cold. I placed it on the bedside unit and went to get ready, not bothering to shower. I just couldn't find the energy to force myself to. I only had time to check my phone – no messages – before Joe knocked on the door.

We headed out to what had become our regular coffee shop in the past two weeks in silence. I could feel Joe watching me but never voiced anything to him. We sat in silence for almost 5 minutes, Joe still staring at me, while I chose to stare out the window. "Emma, you need to talk about this. Its not good to keep it bottled up", he pleaded to me.

"No", was the only reply I could give. I didn't even know what was wrong with me so how could I even begin to explain to him what I was feeling. "Today was supposed to be about you – so lets have it".

Joe took a deep breath. "Well, I told you I was dating someone. Not too serious, but I liker her a lot and I think you might too", he smiled at me.

"Does this her have a name?", I asked, still gazing out the window.

"Yeah, Ashley Greene". I turned my focus back to him with raised eyebrows.

"Ashley Greene? The Twilight girl?", I asked and he nodded. "The serial dating girl whose naked pictures are currently posted on the internet for everyone's viewing pleasure? That's who your dating?", I scorned him. He again nodded but avoided eye contact. "Talk about a downgrade", I muttered under my breath.

"Hey, that's not fair! Don't judge her like that – you've never even met her", Joe barked angrily. I took a deep breath.

"No, I'm sorry, you're right. I will reserve judgement of her till I've met her", I said and returned my gaze to the window.

"So..um...you want to talk now?", he asked, hopefully.

"No, Joseph, I do not want to talk".

We sat in a painful silence for 15 minutes, until I caught Joe shifting nervously in his seat. I only had time to look up before Nick was at my side.

"Hey you", He said quietly.

"I'm going to go get some more coffee", Joe said leaving the table. Nick sat down in the now empty seat opposite me and resumed Joe's staring.

"How are you", he asked softly. I couldn't even look at him. I just shrugged my shoulders. "I hate seeing you sad", he whispered across the table. The tears welled up in my eyes and I bit down on my lip to stop them falling. Nick leaned across the tabled to grab my hand but I pulled away, laying them both in my lap instead. "Emma, please, don't shut me out".

I couldn't handle it any more. I got up from the table and walked away, outside, needing some air. The one time I didn't want him to, and he followed. Nick walked by my side, not saying a word. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with me. I had gotten everything I had wanted yet here I was, pushing it away, like it meant nothing to me.

We walked down the street like this for some time crossing over into park. I walked across the grass and placed myself under a large tree, feeling secluded from prying eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me", I said to Nick, who was still sitting quietly next to me. "I can't explain what I'm feeling its just..". I wasn't sure what else to say.

Nick reached out for my hand. "Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere". I stared at our two hands joined together and felt the familiar feeling of safety and comfort I always felt with Nick.

"Its like...I can't even breath. I hate myself for what I did to Sterling, but I'm glad its over and that he was the one to finish it. And I feel so guilty. I mean, he knew – he knew I was just stinging him along and he still came after me. What kind of person does that? I feel like I'm losing who I was and I'm not sure of what I'm becoming". I looked down at the grass, waiting for Nick's reaction.

He took his time with it and I could tell he was choosing his words carefully. "I don't think you've changed much", he began slowly, "All I can see is the same beautiful girl who has grown a bit more confident in herself, but may have made some wrong decisions because it seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time and now you feel guilty as they may have not been the best ones", He looked up at me, "but that doesn't make you a bad person...just...human", He said, giving me one of his rare smiles.

"You're right", I said, wondering if he was thinking about us when he mentioned the wrong decisions. It was only going to make this next part that much harder. "Nick...I can't date you". He looked up in surprise, dropping my hand in the process. I felt more nervous now that I didn't have the anchor of him. I watched as the emotions on his face disappeared and he became more guarded.

"I need time to myself, to get myself back together. I need to know who I am now before I can be with someone else. If not...nothing will have changed. I'll still be making all the wrong decisions because they'll be the easiest ones".

"Emma, don't do this – that's not what I meant", he said pleadingly, kneeling beside me. I had to do this though. I couldn't suffer causing any more pain to the people I loved. Especially not to Nick. I had put him through so much already. And a little pain now was better than a lot a few months down the line.

"I was using you, Nicholas. I didn't want to be with Sterling and I don't want to be with you either. I'm sorry". I sounded cold and mechanical, nothing like me. But I needed it to be over – I needed him to be happy, not always having to pick up the pieces after the walking train wreck that I had become.

Nick sat staring at me, a look of shock on his face. "Emma...don't do this", he repeated. I didn't answer him, just looked down at the blades of grass in between my fingers. "Look at me and tell me you don't love me", he said, pleading seeping through his voice.

I took a deep breath, feeling my heart shut off. I looked up at him, staring into those deep brown eyes, ignoring the fluttering in my stomach. "I don't love you". I almost chocked on the words but managed to hold it together.

I watched as a tear escaped from his eye and I almost broke. I wanted to comfort him, to hold him in my arms and never let go. But I didn't. I sat and watched as he got up and walked away, keeping his head down.

If this morning I felt numb, now it was more...empty. I had just let the last good thing I had going for me walk away. It was for the best, I told myself, in a few months I'd probably freak out and change my mind again. And I couldn't put Nick through that again. He deserved better than what I could give him.

I didn't deserve him any more.


	49. It Gets The Worst At Night

**It Gets The Worst At Night**

I took my time walking back to the hotel. I had a lot to process and was struggling not to break down. Every step I took was shaky and all I could wonder was if I had really done the right thing. I felt drained of all energy and wanted nothing more then to crawl back into bed.

I was met outside my room by Momma J who was looking concerned. "I've been trying to call you for the past half hour, Emma". I pulled my phone out my pocket. Funny I hadn't even heard it ring – but sure enough, I had 12 missed calls.

"Sorry, I didn't hear it. What's up?", I said in a dull tone.

Momma J took a deep breath. "Did you and Nick get into a fight or something?", she asked carefully. I tried not to show the concern on my face but I couldn't stop it from seeping into my voice.

"Why, what's wrong? What did he say?".

"Nothing. He just came in, ignored everyone and lay down on top of his bed. It was so unlike him – the only other time I had seen him do that, was well...I'm worried", and she looked it. I sighed heavily an walked down the hall to Nick's room. I knocked, but there was no answer. Momma J handed me his room key, smiled sadly and walked away. She was a tough woman to hide things from.

I pushed open his door and waited for his reaction. He shifted his eyes to the side slightly then looked back up at the ceiling. "Get out", he said almost as lifeless as I felt.

I stepped further into the room, closing the door behind me. Nick eyed me warily and I couldn't blame him. I walked to the side of the bed, kicking my shoes off and lay down next to him. "Your Mom knows some thing's wrong", I said, staring at the ceiling as well. Nick just shrugged.

I turned onto my side so I could see his face, my heart aching to cuddle him. The more I thought about it, the stronger the urge became. My hands twitched closer to him, so I tucked them in between my legs. "It's for the best, you know", I said softly, not believing a word.

"The best for who?", he asked, turning his head away from me.

I stayed there on the bed, not wanting to leave him. I wondered if this was how he reacted the first time we broke up – if this was what Momma J was hinting to. He did walk away up to his room. It took me a while to realise Nicks breathing had deepened. He had fallen asleep.

Carefully, I moved my hands from my legs and reached out, brushing the curls back from his face. He looked so peaceful lying there without the anger and hurt etched into his features. I played with his curls for a little bit longer, loving being able to be this close to him without any of his expectations. He really was beautiful but he was so intense sometimes. He couldn't just be happy with one little bit of you. He wanted it all. And that scared me. I had never wanted one person so much in my life but I knew all it would lead to was more pain.

He was right – I was being selfish. I was afraid of being hurt by him, so I was so unwilling to take the chance to see where things could go in the first place.

But I still didn't want to risk it. Nick just meant too much to me. Look and had happened to Demi and Joe – they were so close at one point. Now they could barely stand to be in the same room together. And I didn't want that for us. Given time, Nick would stop feeling so angry towards me and we could be just friends.

I just needed to get over this initial hurdle – made much harder by the fact that Nick had rolled over and was leaning into me. I shifted my arm and wrapped it round him, slightly amused by the role reversal that was taking place. I could feel myself drifting off to sleep – the silence of the room, only interrupted by Nicks breathing and the heat from his body all making me drowsy. I told myself to get up and go back to my room. That was the last conscious thought I had.

"How do you think I feel Joe?", Nick hissed angrily. I was groggy and confused as to where I was and who was arguing. "I spent most of last night thinking ' good, she's finally single, now maybe we could be together', for her to tell me this morning that she's changed her mind?".

I was awake enough to realised that I was the problem, but lay still, not wanting them to know I had heard them but also wanting to hear more.

"Look, she just broke up with the guy yesterday – you might want to let her get over the shock of that first before you start hating her".

"I don't hate her! I just...", he sighed deeply. I felt the bed move as someone sat down on the edge.

"Nick, you didn't see her this morning. She looked like crap"._ Thank you, Joseph_, I thought to myself. "Maybe she was a lot more into Sterling than we thought. She seemed really upset over the break-up". Nick sighed again.

"I don't know. She seemed pretty determined earlier. And...will it eve be worth the wait? What if she does decide that she wants to date then change her mind again?". I had never heard Nick speak with such open honesty before. It was painful to hear.

"In all fairness – you two dating before...I mean, you were pretending to be dating someone else at the same time. It was hardly the easiest thing for her". I loved Joe – he was amazing. I felt my leg go dead and shuffled about slightly. The room went silent. Well, may as well wake up now.

Slowly I opened my eyes and turned over. "Hey", I said slowly, sitting up on the bed. They both looked at me slightly worried. "What are you doing in here?", I asked Joe.

"Your the one that wakes up in my brothers bed and you're asking me that?", Joe said slyly. I smiled slightly, stretching out.

I turned to Nick, "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep". He shrugged his shoulders but wouldn't look at me. He was sill angry then. "What time is it?", I asked, looking at Joe again.

"Almost dinner time. Mom and Frankie are heading back home for a while tomorrow, so we're going to go out just as a family for a meal". I nodded, wondering if Demi would want to go to dinner with me – or maybe we'd just order room service. "you better hurry up and get ready, your hair's a mess".

"I thought you were going for a family dinner?", I asked, genuinely confused.

"Oh Emma don't start that", Joe said, "You know that Mom's practically adopted you. So hurry up and get ready". I got up off the bed and picked my shoes up, not bothering to put them back on. I was half way down the hall when I realised I had Nicks grey hoodie on. I wondered as to how I had it on, not remembering doing it myself. But it was warm and comfy and Nicks...so I really wasn't to hung up on the how...I was just glad for it.

I didn't put a whole hell of a lot of effort into the nights look – just switched the jeans and t-shirt for a casual dress and pulled a brush through my hair and pinned it up. I placed the hoodie on my bed, knowing I'd have to give it back eventually but hoping I could get away with it for at least tonight.

I met everyone downstairs in the lobby and was pleased to see Demi there as well. "Hey", I said walking over next to her. She pulled me into a hug and I was glad for it.

"I heard about what happened. You okay?", She asked, quietly.

"Yeah, I think Nick and I will get past it -",

"Wait! Nick? I was talking about Sterling. What happened with Nick?", she asked, trying to keep her voice lowered, but I still caught Nick turning to look at us.

"Um...tell you later", I said as we were ushered into cars. I shared with Joe and Frankie, glad for the two of them. They were so funny, that by the time we reached the restaurant I was in a good mood.

We were seated at a quiet secluded table and it was nice it just being the nine of us – a change from the usual 30 or so people we went out with. The table was lively and full of laughter – with one exception. I watched as Nick sat in silence at the end of the table, hardly making the effort to interact and felt guilty for it. Once or twice he looked up and caught me staring and each time I looked away blushing.

"So Emma", Papa J started, "Ever thought about releasing an album", he asked too casually for it to have been a random subject. I almost chocked on my water.

"Can't say I have", I grinned back at him.

"You should – with a voice like yours. And I'm sure they boys would love to help you with it – similar to how they helped Demi in her first album". I looked down the table at Nick, who was staring at his plate.

"Um...I think maybe I'll just concentrate on getting through this tour first", I laughed, feeling more and more awkward as the whole table stared.

"Well, you'll have plenty of time on the tour buses, trust me. After a week, you'll be begging for someone to help write you songs", he looked down the table to Nick, clearly expecting some input. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, to see his reaction.

There was silence from his end of the table. "I suppose", was the final answer from him and I couldn't stop the feeling of shame that washed over me. I was quiet for the rest of the meal.

We headed back to the cars and somehow – I'm guessing the amazing skills of Momma J were involved – Nick and I ended up alone in the same car. We drove for two blocks in almost silence until I built up the courage to talk.

"Are you okay?", I asked softly.

"Fine", he grunted back.

"Its just...you were quiet at dinner". That was all it took. Nick exploded.

"No, Emma, just stop it! You don't get to be concerned for me. You made your decision and I'm not going to try to make you feel any less guilty by pretending that everything is okay. It not okay. I'm so angry at you right now, I can't even stand to be in the same room as you, never mind trapped in this tiny little car. So just leave me alone!".

I sat shocked. I had never heard Nick talk to anyone like that before. I couldn't even breath. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just have this life time over with. I knew Nick was angry at me but to hear him say it -with such hatred – it felt like physical wounds.

I turned my head to the window as silent tears rolled down my face. As soon as the car stopped at the hotel, I threw open the door and ran across to the elevator before I saw anyone else. I fumbled with the key to my door and finally got into y room. I stood in the silence, hearing Nicks words echo in my mind.

I took a few steps across the room, clutching my stomach as I felt the tears build. I cracked. I couldn't even make it to the bed. I cried like there was no tomorrow, sinking to the floor when I could no longer support myself. I knelled over, reaching a level of hysteria I never thought possible. My chest was tight and I struggled for air as I tried to regain composure.

Eventually I calmed down enough to make it into bed. I pulled the blankets over my and exhausted, let sleep wash over me.


	50. Collapsed

**Collapsed **

I woke up the next morning with a feeling similar to a hang over. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face. My eyes were red and puffy and my head was groggy. Looking at a clock, I realised I should have been down for breakfast already. Today we had two dress rehearsals before opening night tomorrow. But the nerves and even fear from that was so far from my mind at the moment, that it barely even registered.

I grabbed sweats, a tank top and a hoodie from my closet and threw them on, heading downstairs. The nerves grew in my stomach the closer I got but I tried my damnedest to push memories of last night to the back of my mind. I didn't want to think about it and didn't want anyone else to know something was wrong.

I poured myself a cup of hot water and grabbed a tea bag from the side and sat down at a table. It had been a long time since I'd had a cup of tea. It reminded me of home – something I was sorely missing right now. I sat down at a table by myself, at the other side of the room wanting to be as far away from Nick as possible. If I thought I could have left the tour there and then I would have. I felt rude constantly putting myself around him, wishing it were possible to stop causing him pain. I couldn't even blame him for anything he had said last night – he was right to be angry at me.

Demi came in and sat at the same table as me, equally not having breakfast. I wondered if I should be concerned – but she looked fine to me. She asked about Nick and I and I told her everything – even last night. I knew I had sworn I would never tell her anything like that again, but I needed someone to talk to and she was the closest thing to considering a friend at the moment. We sat in silence after I had finished.

"Woah, and I thought my week was bad", she reached out for my hand. "How are you doing?".

I shrugged, "Can't say I didn't blame it on myself. I'll get over it I suppose". I looked across the room at Nick, who was looking moody at his table.

"Have you ever thought maybe it would be easier if you gave it a chance?". I shook my head.

"The worst is over – it can only get better from here", I told her.

"I wouldn't be so sure – wait till he starts dating", she said darkly. My stomach dropped. The thought of Nick with another girl – it disgusted me! I glanced back over at him catching his eye. There was a small moment where I thought I saw some regret – but it was replaced by anger pretty rapidly. I sighed and finished my tea, heading off with Demi to dress rehearsals.

I was really starting to feel like the outsider on this tour and knew it would be fine without me. I wanted to leave so badly. I thought about talking to Papa J about it, wondering if he'd feel sympathetic enough to let me go. I went backstage where everyone else was and joined in with the stretches and vocal warm ups before we started.

I found that because I was having to concentrate so hard on on dancing and singing and remembering my cues that everything else was pushed to one side. It was a relief having something else to concentrate on and for a while my mind felt clear. When my part was over, I sat backstage talking to everyone, feeling exhilarated. It was a release to me, finding that there were way to take a break from the thoughts swirling in my head. I wondered if that's why Demi was constantly focused on working out – after something like this you were too exhausted to worry about boys.

After a while I sat in the wings watching the boys perform. I felt like a proud parent as I saw them go through songs I loved. Songs that I knew off by heart. I fell in love with them as a group all over again. When they stepped up to take their final bow, I was one of the ones cheering the loudest.

I walked down to stand with Papa J while everyone else went to grab some lunch – except the band. Nick wasn't happy about something and he was making them go over a couple songs till it was sorted.

"Is he always like this?", I asked.

Papa J laughed, "Usually. He's a perfectionist by nature. He won't settle for anything less". He turned to look at me, "So, how are you feeling?".

"Honestly, that was amazing. I never thought it'd all get pulled together so smoothly", I smiled.

"And...how are you...personally?", he asked. I took a deep breath.

"How much did Nick tell you?", I stared at the ground.

"Unless anything happened this morning – everything".

I shrugged. "Right now, I'm dealing with the consequences of my decisions...its not been easy". He nodded but never said anything. I looked over at Nick. "I think I made the wrong choice", I blurted out before thinking. I felt Papa J turn to look at me, but I never offered any further explanation.

"Sometimes – when were scared or hurt, we make rash decisions. It takes real courage to say you made the wrong one". I nodded my head, wondering if that meant I was supposed to tell Nick this, or would he. I thanked him and went over to get lunch but found I still wasn't hungry. I grabbed a bottle of water and went for a walk, not wanting anyone to comment on my lack of eating. It wasn't that I was trying to hide it, I just didn't want to answer the thousand and one questions that came with it.

After lunch break was over, I headed back into the building, walking almost directly into Nick. "Hi", I said timidly. He shook his head and kept walking. "So, that's it then? You're not even going to talk to me?". He didn't even turn around. By the time I had gotten over to the stage, I was blinking back the tears from my eyes.

I stumbled a couple times through the second rehearsal, but nothing that anyone would really notice. Everyone started making plans for the night, deciding that they should all go to a meal. Everyone it seemed, bar Demi. "Hey, any plans for tonight?", I asked her. She shrugged.

"I was just going to hit the gym then grab something quick to eat", she said. "Care to join me", smiling, I gladly accepted the offer. Anything to keep my out of Nicks way was a welcome blessing.

At the gym, we were both met by personal trainers. I stifled a giggle at how unreal this all felt. This surely wasn't my life? Before, gym had always seemed like a three letter curse word. And now here I was, willingly participating in exercise. It actually wasn't as brutal as I thought it would be. Again I found that having to concentrate – well, struggling to keep up – with the workouts left me very little time to think about anything else that might be trying to creep its way back onto my mind.

I would maybe even go as far to say that I enjoyed it! Well, okay, maybe not enjoy but felt the benefits. We went into the sauna afterwards, Demi saying it would relax our muscles so we wouldn't be as sore tomorrow. I thought it would probably be a good idea considering it was opening night tomorrow night.

"You want to talk about it?", she asked, having the sauna to ourselves. I shook my head.

"What's there to talk about?". I had created this mess, I'd have to deal with it.

We sat in an awkward sort of silence before calling git a day and heading back to the hotel for something to eat. It felt strange knowing that everyone else was out eating together and here we were – outcasts of the group. Mine was my own doing, Demi's from her broken heart. I pities her and her unwillingness to join in with the group – but at the same time glad. It meant I wasn't left on my own.

By the time we reached our rooms, I wasn't in the mood for food. My mind was too preoccupied. I made up an excuse to Demi, telling her I had a headache and headed to my room, slipping into bed praying sleep would come quickly.

It didn't.


	51. Everything In Its Right Place

**Everything In Its Right Place**

I woke up on the morning of the first concert feeling exhausted. Not the best start to the day. Then I fell out of bed...also probably not the best start. I didn't imagine the rest of the day being that much better. I got up and went down to breakfast, not really seeing anyone I recognised. It must have been a late night for them, I thought with a pang of jealousy. I pulled my phone out of my bag, wanting to look busy as I sat at a table by myself. I would really have to start carrying a book around with me.

Checking my phone I was surprised to see I had a missed call. From Nick. I checked the voice mail, slightly worried that it was another long rant about how much he hated me. There was a lot of noise in the background and I had to listen to it a couple times before I fully understood it.

"Emma", He started, slurring slightly. Had he been drinking? "You should be here. I miss you and I know you miss me. You lied to me but it's okay. I forgive you". I think the right emotion to describe how I felt was bemused. I couldn't imagine Nick getting drunk enough to phone someone at 3am...in fact I couldn't really imagine Nick drunk period.

I sipped my coffee wondering how he would feel this morning. I didn't know if he would even remember calling me or if I should text him back. I would talk to Joe about it later. I could feel my resistance wearing down. The more Sterling became just a memory the more I realised I wanted Nick. I needed him – in my life in some sort of way at least. Even if we weren't dating – which if I was honest, right now I would rather be – but I needed to find a way past all this drama! That's all our relationship had been from the beginning. Why could it never be just simple?

I grabbed a second croissant, barely even registering that I had made my way through the first one already. It was nice to be hungry for a change. We had a meeting in the rehearsal space and for the last time, I headed over there. I thought about how much had happened just over two weeks and it made my head spin. It was a lot to take in and I hoped the rest of the tour would be slightly less complicated.

I was the first one there and that really didn't surprise me. Soon after, the tour managers started to show up and gather. Papa J came along and sat next to me asking me how I was, but didn't sit still for long, his phone letting out an endless stream of shrill tones that he had to answer. After half an hour and still most of the group hadn't showed up, worry lines began to appear on Papa J's forehead.

He made another couple of calls and seemed quite angry. Understandably, seeing as this was our information meeting as to what would happen at every upcoming show we had. After a further 15 minutes, Papa J ran through it with the 100 or so people that were in the room, handing out a call sheet to everyone who had turned up, letting them know what was going on.

When we finished I grabbed two cups of coffee and headed back to the hotel, hoping to talk to Joe. But he was pretty useless in the state he was in. He barely managed to open the door to me before climbing back into bed.

"Long night?", I said, leaning over him to put the coffee on his bedside unit. He groaned and I took that as all the answer I was likely to get. I made myself comfortable, knowing it was going to take a while to get the answers I needed. Joe groaned again. I sighed and picked up the remote, flicking through the channels.

"Your Dad is pretty pissed at you for missing this mornings meeting", I said, changing the subject hoping to gain his attention. It worked.

"What meeting?", He sat up to look at me.

"The pre-tour this is how things are going to go down meeting". Joe turned to look at the clock.

"Crap", he muttered under his breath. He reached for his coffee, making a conscious effort to sit up. "You think he'll come up and yell at us?". I shrugged.

"You should know, he's your Dad. But probably not. He looked like he had 1001 things to do today". Joe just groaned. "So", I said in what I hoped was a casual tone, "Busy night last night?", I asked, picking at the bed sheets.

He sipped his coffee slowly, glazed eyes glancing over the tv. "Honestly I don't remember a whole hell of a lot". I nodded, trying to keep the mood light hearted.

"Tsk tsk Mr. Jonas", I smiled over at him.

"Please, like you've not done worse", he grinned back.

"Yes...but it was legal when I did it", I said and stuck my tongue out at him. "Nick called me last night". Okay, so maybe not so good at the subtle.

Joe however, looked unsurprised. "I thought he might. Say anything interesting?", he looked over at me, grinning, but something deeper buried struggled to get through. Worry? Maybe, but Joe was getting good at guarding his emotions. I surrendered my phone over to him and watched as he listened to the voice mail smiling along with him at his realisation at how drunk Nick was.

"Well", he said finally, "That wasn't as bad as I expected". He drained the last of his coffee, aiming the foam cup for the bin and missing horribly.

"You expected worse?", I asked, my brow furrowing.

"Emma", Joe sat up in bed and turned to me, "Do you actually know how messed up Nicks been the past few days? I think -", Joe hesitated, "I think there's a pretty good chance he's in love with you". I felt the colour rise then drain from my face all at once.

_In love?_ That couldn't be right...could it? I got up off from the bed, suddenly wondering why I was playing childish guessing games here with Joe when...

In love.

Those two simple words echoed around my head as I walked down the corridor to his room.

In love.

I pulled out the key card that Momma J had given me the few nights before. I forgot to give her it back. But now, it being there seemed so simple. Of course it was there, it was where I needed it.

I slipped the card in and out of the lock, watching the little light change to green. I barged in, swinging the door so hard it banged off the wall. Nick came out of his bathroom, wiping toothpaste from around his mouth, his face confused. He barely had enough time to adjust his emotions to something else – embarrassment, I thought – before I had wrapped my arms around his waist and placed my lips softly against his.

I felt the surprise and his hesitance just for a moment before he was kissing me back. Responding with such a ferocity, such a hunger I had never felt in him before. He walked towards me, pushing me backwards until my knees hit the back of his bed and buckled underneath me. Barely breaking the kiss, he lay down on top of me, moving the kisses down the side of my cheek, down my neck, kissing every bare inch of skin.

I was on fire. His kisses worked their way back to my mouth and I grabbed his lip between my teeth, sucking and pulling, wanting more of him. His hand slid down my waist, gripping me tightly.

And then it was over. He had pulled back from me and I groaned at the loss. We were both breathing heavily and his face was flushed in excitement, feeling the burning in my own. He looked down on me, his eyes searching with mild curiosity. What had caused this miraculous change? I smiled at him. "Hi", I whispered breathlessly.

He smiled and gave a small laugh. "Hi". He pushed himself into a standing position and I shimmied up the bed, leaning back on his pillows. Nick hesitated before lying down next to me. I curled onto his chest and he wrapped his arms around me.

"What changed your mind?", he asked softly.

"I decided you were worth it all", was my almost silent reply.

And I lay in his arms feeling that suddenly, something was going right for a change.


	52. Don't You Forget About Me

Don't You Forget About Me

I spotted him across the room before he saw me. I was surprised to say the least. These sort of functions were never usually his thing. He looked good, better than the last time I had saw him - almost 3 months ago. It was strange to think that this was the person I had spent almost every day with for 4 months.

Well that was until he cheated on me and I ended things. He spotted me across the room and turned to the woman he was standing next to, wrapping his arm gently around her waist. I knew that move well - the power play to gain all her attention and manoeuvre her where he wanted. Not that I was bitter or anything.

They walked away from their group straight towards me and my gut instinct was to run and hide. Self preservation and all that. But it wasn't the first time I had seen him since the split and it would likely not be the last since I was still managed by the Jonas Group. But I had become a master at arranging my schedule so I never had to see him more than once every few months.

I eyed the tall blonde he had brought over warily, not sure how she would react to me. But she smiled cautiously and seemed pleasant enough - an improvement from the last at least.

"Hello Emma, how are you?", he asked more awkwardly than I would have expected.

I smiled - or something as close to a smile as I could get. "I'm good Nick, you?". He smiled and nodded before turning to his date.

"Delta, this is Emma, my - my old friend". Old? Please this woman was at least 10 years his senior and he was calling me old? I smiled and offered my hand, choking back the bitterness.

"How's things going?", he asked, firmly taking hold of Deltas hand which I had just dropped.

I shrugged, "Keeping busy, can't complain". Delta smiled at me.

"I love Glee!", she exclaimed at me. I smiled. I had barely been on the show for a month but was loving every second of it.

"So do I", I said laughing slightly.

This was then followed by an awkward pause in which nobody really knew what to say. I was rapidly trying to think of excuses in my head but they all seemed to allude me. I decided it would just be easier to turn and walk away when I felt someone wrap their arm around my waist. "Sweetheart, there you are", the person said and I turned around quickly to find my saviour.

Of course it would have been Darren. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of his arm wrapped around me. "Hey", I said as he leaned over and kissed my cheek.

We weren't dating. He had been a really good friend to me in work but outside work we had barely interacted with each other. "I'm sorry, but could I steal Emma away for a second", he asked without waiting for the reply. I walked away with him, never been more happy to escape someone's company.

"I've never actually seen a rabbit paralysed by headlights but I imagine it would look something similar to how you did just now", he smiled down at me.

"Thank you", I turned to look at him. "That was about as comfortable as it looked". I glanced back over at the couple who were now animatedly chatting and couldn't help the pang of jealousy.

"An ex?", he guessed correctly. I nodded and tried to put it to the back of my mind, concentrating on the group I was with now instead. I did still feel a little bit of an outsider - although it was nothing to how a group of people can make you feel after your break up with a guy they'd all kill to date.

I grabbed another drink and sat down, wanting nothing more than to run away. It was something I had become extremely accomplished at. After tour ended and with it most friendships I had made, I took off to Atlanta to work on a show for a few months. After that I spent a month at home. Then there was the two months I spent travelling Europe. And then I worked my ass off to get the part in Glee. Now I was back in LA, in my home that was still down the street from Nick. Although I heard that he had moved out now. I didn't ask him or Momma J, feeling it was no longer any of my business.

The only person I still had any real contact with was Demi. She had been. Through a fair amount on her own lately. But she was home and healing and I was grateful for it. I spent most of my free time with her now, opting for movie nights or meals instead of the club scene we had hit in South America. I spent a considerable amount of time with her in Chicago while she was in therapy. The city brought back some less than pleasant memories but supporting my friend was more important. I found some irony that we ended up back where all the problems started.

I didn't hear Darren walk up behind me and jumped when he placed his had on my lower back. I turned towards him as he asked if I was OK.

"Get me out of here and get me drunk", was my reply. He smiled, shook his head and walked away. I debated slumping my head on the table and attempting to sleep but I wasn't really sure it would be dignified enough for a party such as this. I suddenly missed my friends acutely. Not my Hollywood ones. My back home friends. The ones who would take the piss, hand me another drink and tell me to man up, instead of letting me sink further into this pity party I had begun for myself. I was the one who broke up with him, I reminded myself.

I got up from the table and decided enough was enough for one night. I was going to go get my coat and leave. I'd rather be curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself than sit here watching them. I squeezed myself out from the table, turned and walked straight into Darren. "You ready to go?", he asked, handing me my coat.

"Where are we going?", I said confused, turning around as he helped my into my coat.

"To get you drunk", he smiled.


	53. You, Me & the Bottle Makes Three Tonight

**You, Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight**

We ended up in a small bar I had heard Darren talk about before. It wasn't exactly a dive but it was hardly the normal places my agent was glad to have me spotted at.

We had hardly been there 20 minutes when Darren flagged down a few guys who just walked into the bar. "Is that...?", I started, watching them walk over to our table.

"Re-enforcement's", he said, winking at me. I tried not to stare as they sat down with us. It was very rarely I actually got star struck nowadays, but with them I couldn't help it.

"Emma these are my friends, Nick Lang, Brian Holden and Joey Richter". I mumbled something non de-script as a hello and took another drink from the beer bottle I had in my hands. I knew who they were. I had never told Darren about it. It wasn't really something you could start a conversation with and after a while it just felt too weird to bring it up.

Of course he had talked about his friends before but in such a way that I really shouldn't have known as much about them as I did. Stupid fan-girl moments.

"Emma, its so nice to finally meet you. Darren has talked about you a lot", Brian said to me. I was sober enough to catch the look between him and Darren but drunk enough to not dwell on it. I had enough men problems of my own to consider taking on inside jokes between old friends.

They were good company to have on a night where you wanted to be distracted. They all seemed happy to tell each others most embarrassing stories from college and I was more than happy to sit and listen to them. I even forgot how over dressed I was, sitting in a black floor length dress.

I was up at the bar - assisted by Nick because apparently I didn't look like I would be able to carry the drink back over to the table. "I'm Scottish, we don't waste alcohol", I replied as I fell out of my chair.

While the bar tender got our drinks, Nick chatted away to me, asking about work and the tour I went on the previous summer. "I actually saw A Very Potter Sequel while we were rehearsing in Chicago", I blurted out. I waited for a big reaction but it never came. The only noticeable difference was Nicks eyes widened slightly.

"Really? Darren never mentioned it", he said in far too casual a tone.

"That's probably because I've never told him", I turned back to the bar, watching them assemble our drinks.

"Hmm", was Nicks reply. I tried not to look round at him, worried about how he now viewed me. After a few moments he asked, "have you seen Starship?". I couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah. My friend was recently taking a break in Chicago when Starship was on. I actually managed to get tickets for it". Our drinks were placed on the bar and I lifted two of them, Nick the other two.

"Your friend. That wouldn't be Demi Lovato, would it?". I felt a wall close up around me as it always did when I was protecting my friends.

"Yeah it is", I said in a tone that was very defensive. He never asked anything else about it.

Demi had been through a lot this past year and I had been there for her almost every minute of it. I virtually moved to Chicago while she was receiving treatment up there. It was mostly because she had become my best friend while we toured together. But there was still a small part of me that felt guilty that I didn't realise what she was going through because I was so wrapped up in my own break up problems. Even though she told me over the years she had become an expert at hiding it, I still should have realised something was wrong.

And here I was, hiding away in some bar because I was too afraid to confront any feelings I may or may not still have for _him_. I made a conscious effort to move him out of my thoughts and concentrate on the company I was with now. I slid back into the booth next to Darren feeling a lot better than when I had first come here. I even went as far as singing some karaoke - quite badly mind you, I was pretty far gone after my fifth beer. I hadn't drank this much in a very long time.

We stayed until closing time - well until the manager kicked us out, we were getting pretty loud - and headed outside to find a taxi. I started to mention going home but Brian cut me off. "Nope. You, young lady are coming with us", he said, pulling me towards the group.

"Where we going", I said stumbling over slightly, grabbing onto him.

"Were going to Darren's house to continue this night". I laughed a bit took a step forward and went over on my ankle again.

"For fucks sake!", I shouted, suddenly sounding very Scottish. I grabbed back onto Brian's arm and reached down, un-clipping my shoes. I tentatively lowered my foot to the ground feeling instant relief at no longer having to wear heels.

"Classy", Joey said to me as I looked up, carrying both shoes in one hand.

"Oh piss off", I said, grinning at him. This was another first for me in a long time, not having walked barefoot since I had been home over the Christmas vacation.

"Emma you can't walk like that, you'll cut your feet or something", Darren said, walking over to me.

"I'm fine! I've done this loads of times before", I said, swatting his hand away. He grinned at me then lunged forward. I screamed and made a run for it but my long dress was hindering my escape. He grabbed me around the waist and lifted me into his arms easily, keeping me there until we found a taxi. He put me down gently, waited until I was in then slid in next to me.

For the first time, my stomach reacted to Darren touching me. Darren was a great friend - had really been there. But for some reason, I just hadn't felt anything like that for him before. Which I guess was why I had grown close to him - talking to him was easy when you treated someone like a brother...or better, your gay best friend (not that I didn't have enough of those already). But right now all I could think about was the heat of his leg against mine and the tightening knots in my stomach.

Its just the drink, I told myself. It was screwing with my judgement. But at the same time I couldn't stop the butterflies as his arm wrapped around my shoulders, no matter how lightly he was touching me.

It was hot and stuffy in the cab with all of us tightly crammed in. I could feel myself dozing to sleep and wondered whether or not I should just ask to be dropped off at mine. That was the last thing I remembered before being lifted back out of the cab. I had curled my head into the crook of Darren's neck before conciseness dawned on me.

"So hard core, Emma", was Joey s sarcastic response to noticing I was awake. I struggled slightly and Darren let me down in his living room. I had been to his house a couple of times but never really inside. I tended to just hover about the door waiting for him to come out. It had a very unlived feeling to it - half his things were still in boxes, although I think that was due more to lack of time than anything. It felt like my first apartment.

I looked about curiously, fighting my want to sleep. I was still a bit unsteady on my feet but my mind felt sharp. I swayed, unsteady but eyed the couch warily. I knew if I sat down there was a very good chance I wouldn't get back up. I chose instead to use it as support, leaning against the back of it.

"You okay?", Darren said softly, his hand sliding across my lower back. I nodded almost certain that words would fail me right now. "Come on", he said, leading me away from the room, his voice full of pity. Maybe he was just wishing he had dropped me off at home as well.

He looked back at me nervously as he opened a door. Why was he nervous? I wondered. It was a bedroom. His? Probably. It was the only room that felt like it had a personal touch to it, with photos hung on the wall and DVD's scattered on a media unit. "You can sleep there if you want", he indicated to the bed. I nodded, already feeling the sleep fighting to take over at the sight of a bed. I fiddled with my dress, wondering if I could get away with sleeping in my underwear. I didn't have a bra on and I had those lovely hold in your stomach panties on. Well, that was a sexy look.

"Here", Darren said, reaching into his dresser, handing me a t-shirt. He noticed everything. I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. Hopefully all he noticed tonight was my inability to handle my drink and not...

"Could you unzip me?", I asked before realising the words had left my mouth. He stepped forward without hesitating, brushing my hair to one side. His fingers left a trail along my neck and I couldn't repress the shiver that ran down my back. His left hand rested on my shoulder as his right gripped the zipper, slowly pulling it down.

I clasped the top of the dress and looked up as an electric current of shock made its way through my body. There was a mirror on the far wall which I hadn't noticed before.

But now staring deep into Darren's eyes, that mirror was all I could think about. I struggled to pull my gaze away but managed it when I began to feel light headed. It was as if all the oxygen had been sucked from the room, burned away with the flame of desperation that consumed me as I pulled away from him.

Darren mumbled something that sounded like sorry and left me alone in the room. I breathed deeply, worried about what the hell had just happened. I would need to sort that tomorrow. I had done the whole "relationship with a co-worker" before and look how that had ended. I would nip this in the bud before it had a chance to even contemplate growing any more.

I slipped out of the dress and into the t-shirt that he had loaned me, smiling at how it was just big enough to pass as a nightgown and slid between the sheets. I was unconscious almost the second my head hit the pillow.


	54. Last Friday Night

Last Friday Night

The ringing of someone's phone brought me out of my near coma state. I felt someone move their arm from around my waist then a sudden draft at my back. "Hello?", the voice was groggy and I fought with the desire to curl back up to sleep. "Hey. No man we got home okay. Yes we. No, not like that". I tried to place the voice and the room but opening my eyes burned and trying to remember the night before hurt my head. All I could gather was that I probably had drunk a lot. "Speak to you later". The person put their phone down and rolled back towards me, their arm wrapping back around my waist. I was going to have to figure out who this was sooner or later but I felt too close to death to give a shit, instead letting the urge to sleep take back over.

When I finally fully woke, I was in the bed alone and this time it was my phone that was ringing. I reached for it on the floor, the noise of it causing extreme discomfort in my head. "Hmm", was all I managed to get out, putting on the speaker phone as it was too much effort to hold it to my ear.

"And where the hell are you? I get up this morning and make you a lovely cup of coffee to wake you with, only to find that not only is your bed empty but it doesn't look as if you even came home last night!". I could place this voice easily, haven known it since I was 10 years old.

"Callum, piss off". I rolled over, letting my phone fall down beside my head.

"But seriously, where are you?", he asked with some genuine concern. I preyed my eyes open to look about the room but there was nothing familiar about the place.

"Um...", I couldn't think of anything else. "I'll get back to you on that", I told him.

"You're in Darren's bed!", a voice shouted from the other room.

"Oh, I've found people", I told Callum, "Call you back?", I said to him and ended the phone call.

Getting out of bed proved more of a challenge than I thought it would be. My legs were shaky and my stomach was under constant threat of giving up. I slowly and carefully walked through to the other room in search of the voice. I was glad that I found some familiar faces, never having been one for one night stands before, I was glad to find I hadn't started now.

Darren and Joey were sat together on the couch both wearing the same bemused expression as I entered the room. "How you feeling this morning?", Joey asked me. I just nodded, not quite having the vocabulary at hand to describe exactly how hungover I was.

I spotted a chair just across from them and made my way carefully towards it, curling up on it like a cat when I finally sat down. "Nice t-shirt", Joey said to me. I looked down to see I was wearing a blue top with bright yellow letters across it.

"Is this one of your Michigan tops?", I asked Darren.

"Um...yeah. You know you needed something to wear and it was the first thing I grabbed. I mean its just a t-shirt, you know". Darren was babbling. It wasn't unusual for him to go off on a tangent but I wasn't sure where this one was exactly going. I just smiled at him, half to shut him up, half because I wasn't sure what to say.

I lay dozing on and off before I decided I should probably head back to my house and the 1001 questions Callum no doubt had for me. "I should probably be going", I said to the guys, who had sat talking the whole time in hushed voices.

"You could at least take Darren to breakfast first. Gosh, he's not just some floozy you can spend the night with then dismiss when you're done with him", Joey grinned at me. I was unclear as to whether or not that was sarcasm. Normally I would just ignore it but Darren's refusal to meet my eyes made me pause.

"Do you want to go for breakfast?", I asked Darren softly. He looked up and for some reason I blushed when he met my eyes.

"I mean, only if you want to", was his reply.

"Good its settled then", Joey interjected, "You two can go for breakfast, have a lovely chat", he said throwing a look at Darren, "and you can drop me off on the way, because some of us have jobs to get to this lovely morning".

I nodded and walked back through to Darren's room feeling more confused than ever. Did something actually happen last night? I mean I know I was pretty drunk but I was sure I'd remember if we had...

"Are you okay?". I jumped at the sound of Darren's voice behind me.

"Um...sure. I just - I need clothes. I'm not sure I can get away with just this t-shirt at breakfast and wearing last nights dress is just such a cliché", I said trying to make like of the situation.

He went over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweat pants. "Good thing I'm short", he said handing me them. I forced a laugh, a notable tension still surrounding us. As short as he may be, I was still shorter and had to roll them a couple times at the waist band. I left him to get ready and went back out to sit with Joey, who still had a grin on his face.

"Oh, shut up", I said folding myself back into the chair.

After dropping Joey off, we headed to a small, relatively quiet café. Darren lead the way to a table near the back. A waitress made her way over to the table. "Hey, what can I get you guys?". I glanced over the menu.

"Just coffee", I said. Darren looked up.

"You sure?", he asked and I nodded. My stomach was in knots as it was. I was going to have a very awkward morning after conversation with him and food would only complicate the situation. Darren ordered - coffee and a muffin - and then we sat in silence.

It had never been this way with him before. It was usually easily, light banter. None of this heavy serious crap we had going on. I sighed and turned to look towards him to find him watching me. My eyes widened at the intensity of the stare.

"What are you thinking about?". He asked it so quietly, so gently. I was taken aback at the intimacy that suddenly surrounded us. I leaned back, away from him. It was too intense at this table but there was my opening.

"Last night...did...um. What happened?". My heart was pounding in my chest and I stared at my hands rather than him. I didn't think I could face looking at him. Not for the moment anyway.

"You mean at the bar?", he asked. I shook my head.

"No, after the bar. When we were - I mean, when. In your...just. After the bar", I stuttered. Dear God, just take me now, I thought, my face burning with embarrassment.

"Oh. Well you fell asleep in my bed. Then I slept next to you for a few hours. I mean, I wasn't sure if you minded or not, but Joey had the couch so I just thought...". I looked up to see Darren now looking away. Good, at least I wasn't the only one who was awkward here. But I had to be certain.

"So we didn't..?". He looked up and our eyes met for the first time since this horrid conversation had started.

"No. No we didn't". A strange sense of relief mixed with...disappointment? Washed over me. I couldn't pull away from his gaze and was glad when the waitress brought over his food, giving us both distractions.

I cradled my coffee, sipping it as slowly as possible to have to avoid saying anything. When there was nothing left, he got up from the table. "Ready?", he said, barely turning towards me and not waiting for a reply before he headed toward the door.

The car ride back to mine was silent. And awkward. And uncomfortable. I glanced over at Darren a couple of times but he kept his eyes firmly on the road. He stopped the car outside my house and I turned to thank him. "I'll walk you to your door", he said before I could even open my mouth, abruptly getting out of the car.

"Okay", I muttered under my breath and got out of the car. I fumbled with the keys to my house, hyper aware that Darren was stood behind me, watching every little move I made.

Finally I got the door open and turned again to thank him. He was still watching me. It was very unsettling.

"Well, thanks", I said to him. Darren hesitated for a moment before leaning in towards me. I barely had enough time to think 'Oh God, he's going to kiss me', before I was taking a step backwards into my house. He paused mid-lean, looking embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, I just...I thought - never mind", he said and turned, walking back to his car. I watched as he slid into the seat and stared as he was well out of the street. He never once looked back at me.

I turned after a few moments and walked into my house. When the door snapped shut, my room mate/ personal assistant/ best friend came out of the kitchen with a sly smile on his face. "Oh look, here comes the dirty little - hey what's wrong?". The laughter was replaced with lines of concern. I just looked at him and attempted to smile.

"Nothing. I'm fine, just a little bit sleepy". The look on his face told me he knew I was lying but he let it drop. I would tell him eventually - we both knew that - I just needed a moment to process it first.

I walked up to my room, wondering if I should call Darren. I mean it was a pretty uncomfortable way to leave things. And we were having to work together next week. The longer I left it the harder it would be to talk about it.

I sighed and fished my cell phone from my purse, searching for his number. I felt nervous as it began to ring but that quickly faded into impatience as he didn't pick up his phone. Maybe he was still driving? I let it go to voice mail but decided not to leave a message.

I threw my phone to the bottom of my bed and curled up waiting for the blissful ignorance that sleep would bring.


	55. Been A Long Day

**Been A Long Day**

When I woke up, it was late afternoon. I searched around for my phone, finding it underneath the sheets. I was bleary eyed as I tried to take in the glaring screen. No messages, no missed calls. I sighed and threw the phone away again, flopping back down on my bed. I reached for the remote and flicked the TV on, settling for some Big Bang Theory. The only good thing about summer television was the repeats. I could catch up on everything before regular scheduling resumed in the fall.

I was torn between getting up and getting a shower or going to raid the kitchen for food. I mean, I looked like crap but I was still pretty hungry. The decision, however, was taken out of my hands when Callum knocked on my door. "I have food", he said handing me a bacon roll and a cup of tea. He lay down on the bed next to me. "Soooo...how are you?". I turned to look at him.

"I've been better...I've been worse". I continued to stare at the TV not sure I was ready to talk about everything that had happened.

"Is that as specific as you're going to get?". I turned to him.

"What exactly would you like me to be more specific about?".

"Well I don't know, I guess you could start with how you woke up in quite possibly the best looking guy I have ever met's bed and how you still managed to come in looking like someone just killed someone you love". I went back to looking at the TV.

"Oh, that". I paused, choosing my words carefully. "Nick was there last night".

"Shit. Yeah I guess that'll do it". I put my plate on the bedside unit. I felt guilty not sharing everything with him but seeing Nick last night had been the root of the problem...so technically it wasn't a lie. It just wasn't the full truth.

"Aww sweetie, what are we going to do with you?", he asked, pulling me into a hug.

"I have no idea".

I crawled into what was quite possibly the longest shower I had ever had somewhere around 6 o'clock. The bathroom was so steamy when I got out I could barely see my hand in front of my face. I wrapped a towel round myself and walked back out into my bedroom. Someone was sitting on my bed.

"Hi", Darren said, avoiding eye contact. "I tried calling you but I didn't get an answer, so I came over. Your...room mate let me in". I was stunned for a moment. I crossed to my dresser to grab my dressing towel, making sure it was properly wrapped around me before letting the towel fall to my feet. I turned to him.

"So...", but I couldn't think of anything to say. This was the second conversation like this I was having with the same person in one day. I realised I was standing on the opposite side of the room with my arms crossed over my chest. Not a very inviting position. I walked over and sat next to him.

"You tried to kiss me", I said. It sounded so stupid but part of me still didn't believe it. I wanted some sort of confirmation and was satisfied when he nodded his head. "But you still have a girlfriend".

His head shot up and he frowned at me. "No, we broke up a month ago. The long distance thing it - it just wasn't working". He stared intently at me. "Do you really think I'd be the type of guy to cheat". I shrugged.

"You're human. We make mistakes in moments of weakness". Not that I couldn't despise you for those mistakes but that was another - very bitter - story. But Darren continued to frown.

"Is that the only reason you...that we didn't. I mean...", but he didn't seem to know what he meant. Either that or he didn't want to say it.

"No", I said after a moment, "I've done the whole dating at work thing and it didn't work out and I had to spend 3 weeks with a cheating scum bag of an ex when all I wanted to do was punch him in the face and leave. And trust me I wasn't the only one on that tour", I said making a light reference to Demi. She was my best friend but only I was allowed to make jokes like that. Anyone else, and I would seriously damage them.

We sat in awkward silence for a while. I glanced around my room finding it suddenly strange that Darren was in here. I couldn't remember ever having a guy in here. Well Callum but he didn't really count. I shivered slightly, not sure if it was from cold or nervousness.

"I should go", he said to me, somewhat reluctantly.

"Oh...okay then. I'll walk you down", I said getting off the bed.

"You don't have t-", he started but I cut him off and he followed me down the stairs. I looked for Callum on the way down but he was either out or making himself scarce. When I got to the door I turned to Darren.

"I don't want things to change between us", I said, speaking to the floor. Darren exhaled deeply.

"I think its a bit too late for that". His voice was filled with sadness.

"No its not", I said protesting, getting angry, "Why would it have to change? We're still friends, right?". He nodded, avoiding my eyes. I was feeling frustrated. I counted to ten in my head, trying not to let my annoyance show.

He made a move towards me and my heart jumped for a moment, wondering if he was going to try to kiss me again. But instead, he pulled me in for a hug. It was comfortable. I moved my face so my head was buried into his neck, before I realised what I had done. I pulled back and barely caught the look of curiosity on his face before I turned away, opening the door for him.

"See you later", He said and I just nodded. I watched him walk down my garden and get into his car. This time he looked back at me as he drove off. I started to wonder exactly what I had just gotten myself into.


	56. I Found A Boy

We both seemed to be making a conscious effort at work over the next few days to act normal around each other – so much so that after the first few days, it stopped being an act. I was happy around Darren – he was funny, smart and yeah he wasn't half bad to look at. It was nice, being back to where we were. Well mostly. Sometimes there was a moment – but it was made easier by the fact that we were rarely on set together, except for the choir scenes. I was on the phone with Selena, when Darren sat down at the table with me for lunch.

"No that's totally cool. Yeah, sure I understand that. No sweetie, don't worry about it. Speak to you soon. Bye". I hung up the phone and let my head fall to the table in sheer frustration, narrowly missing the plate of food in front of me.

"Everything okay?", Darren asked, laughing as he shovelled food into his mouth.

"Yes, every things amazing! Can't you just see I'm having the time of my life here?", I said, sarcastically mumbling from my position on the table.

"Who were you speaking to?".

"That was Selena. We were supposed to be going to a concert together tonight, but she just called to bail on me because her boyfriend is back in town", I said all too bitterly.

"Call Demi then?".

"Well", I started, exasperated, "I was supposed to be going with Demi originally but she had to pull out because her new album is coming out in a month and she still hasn't quite finished it yet. She's been virtually living in the studio the past few weeks".

"Who was it you were seeing?", Darren asked between mouth fulls of food. I had never seen anyone eat the way he could.

"Jack Mannequin, at the Roxy". Darren looked up.

"I'll go with you", he said, half hopeful.

I suddenly felt awkward. "Um...I'm not sure that's the best idea". The mood at the table changed in a moment. Bringing up what had happened between us had been an unwritten rule. Darren looked almost angry.

"Emma, its just a concert". _Yeah and date is just a word,_ I thought to myself. "Come on, it'll be fun", he said. If I was perfectly honest I'd rather go by myself than with him. He looked at me, his face seriously composed. "Just friends. Promise". I found myself nodding before I had thought it through. "Cool, pick you up at seven?", he asked, clearing his things away.

"Or we could just meet there?", I replied.

"Or I could just pick you up at seven?".

"Or we could just meet there?".

"We've been here before".

"I recognise that tree". We both stared at each other until we finally cracked up. He grabbed his foam plate and threw it in the trash as he walked away.

"Pick you up at seven", he shouted over to me. I gave up seeing it as a lost cause. #

I paced my living room nervously, looking at the clock every 3 minutes. It was five to seven and I was eagerly anticipating Darren's arrival...or dreading it. I wasn't quite sure yet.

"Why don't you just sit down?", Callum said from his spot on the couch. I just threw him a look. I didn't think I'd be able to sit down. "You know...for someone who had told me repeatedly that this isn't a date – you sure seem nervous". I glared at him.

Callum had been teasing me all night. He sat with me while I tried on almost all my clothes, suggesting that while on my date with Darren I should suggest that we fix Callum up with Chris. I responded by launching my hairbrush at him.

The doorbell rung and I froze in place. Callum glanced over at me. "Its open", he shouted. There was a pause before Darren opened the door. "Hey man", Callum said. I was still trying to reconnect my brain to my body.

"Hi Callum, nice to see you again. Emma – you look beautiful". I searched his face for the sarcasm but saw nothing but a genuine smile. That made it worse. I mumbled a thanks and went to grab my purse, suddenly feeling pissed off and I wasn't sure why. I headed towards the door – towards Darren – and could only half muster a glare when Callum reminded us to behave ourselves tonight.

Darren walked a few steps in front of me, getting to the car and opening the door for me. It just irritated me. He knew how I felt, yet now he was purposely flaunting it? It was cruel and unnecessary. I slid into the car, avoiding eye contact, avoiding any kind of contact. I was in a bad mood and if I was perfectly honest, I had no idea why. He slid in the other side and we pulled away and I stared determinedly out of the window.

He flicked the radio on and it filled the silent and obviously tension filled car. I drummed my fingers on the car door handle. I saw Darren glance at me a few times but kept my gaze firmly towards the window. "Hey, Em, you okay?", he asked softly. I shrugged.

"Fine", I said to the window, my tone flat.

"Would you rather we listened to something else?". I just shrugged again. It happened so quickly I barely had time to hide the surprise from my face. Darren pulled the car onto the side of the street and killed the engine. The car was silent once again. "Have I done something to piss you off?", he said, concern making his voice raise a few notches. I stared at the window. _You called me beautiful_. I didn't say anything or make a movement.

"Did I offend you in some way?". Well that was definitely some sarcasm there. "Emma, God damn it, look at me!", he shouted. His anger filled the car, echoing in my ears. I felt my face flush – I'd made him angry at me. I turned to face him and saw the anger had gone almost as quickly as it had come.

"What is wrong?", he asked again but with a firmness in his voice.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong", I said breathing deeply. _Well nothing except the question of my sanity._ Darren was quiet for a moment.

"Can we just start this night over then?". I looked at him and smiled, nodding slightly. I was too ashamed to say anything. What on earth _was_ wrong with me?

Darren started the car back up and continued onto the venue. I didn't know what to say to him so just sort of nodded awkwardly as he spoke to me. At least I was paying attention this time.

Darren found a parking space not too far from the venue and we got out and walked the rest of the way. It was a nice night – as it so frequently was in LA – but tonight felt different. The air had a sweet quality to it that I never noticed before. Usually it just smelled like traffic. I walked close to Darren, listening again as he talked but stuffed my hands into my jeans pockets. Just in case.

We joined the queue with every one else. I heard a few whispers debating whether or not that was in fact Darren Criss but no one approached us. I was grateful. For some reason I was quite nervous about being spotted with him. I'd been a girlfriend before and remembered distinctly what the reactions were when it broke I was dating a Jonas. I had to stay off twitter for over a week – the responses were horrible. I couldn't imagine what they would have been like if I was spotted here tonight.

We got in and I headed into the crowd to get a good spot. "I'm going to get a drink", Darren shouted to me over the noise of the hall. I couldn't help but tense up as his arm wrapped around the small of my back. I watched him as he walked away. Something about him – he couldn't but help command your attention. And not in a Nick way either. Nick demanded it – Darren...just had it.

I looked around the hall as more people made their way in – it was going to be packed tonight. I pulled out my phone, not enjoying standing on my own, looking like a twat. "Hows the date going?", read a text from Callum.

I typed, "Fuck off", and hit send. I knew he was just doing it to wind me up, but it still bothered me.

I shrieked slightly as something cold hit my neck. I reached up and found Darren's hand. I turned quickly, still holding the hand at my neck. "I got you some water", he said nodding to the bottle in his hand. I quickly dropped his and and accepted the bottle, turning my back to him and gulping down the water so I wouldn't have to say anything, trying to block the smile that had spread across his face, or how rapidly my heart was suddenly beating.

The lights dimmed as the opening act came on and I tried to ignore Darren and got into the music – which was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. There was something about seeing a band live that made you forget the rest of the world existed.

The three hours passed quicker than I thought they would and all too soon we were stepping back outside into considerably cooler air. I could feel my hair sticking to my face and wondered exactly how red my face looked. But I felt better, more relaxed. I even smiled this time as Darren held the car door open for me. It was some sort of progress. "Enjoy it then?", he asked as he slid into the car.

"Ahh I loved it!", I exclaimed and launched into a play by play of how great every song they had sung was. This time it was Darren who was quiet and watched me while I talked. "I'm starving now though. I think I'll order a pizza or something when I get home". Darren slowed the car slightly.

"We could always go for something to eat now if you want?". He didn't look at me this time and I realised it was because he was waiting for me to freak out. I just smiled.

"Sounds good. Got anywhere in mind?". I almost laughed at the look of surprise on his face but managed to hold it in – barely.

We decided just to go for junk food, pulling into the nearest drive-thru and grabbing burgers and fries. Darren passed the bags to me, piling it up on my lap and he drove off. I assumed he would just pull into the packing lot, so was surprised when he pulled back out onto the road. "Where we going?", I said stealing some fries from the bag.

"You'll see. And stop eating without me!", he said trying to grab the bags back off me. I responded by shoving some fries in his mouth. "Thanks", he said between bites. I shrugged.

"Its okay – it was your fries I was eating anyway". The sound of his laughter filled the car. It was a nice change from the yelling earlier.

After about 20 minutes he pulled into a deserted packing lot. "The beach?", I asked, my voice full of scepticism. "Come on", he said kicking his shoes off in the car. He got out and walked around to my side, helping unbuckle my shoes as I still had all the food. The ground was warm under foot. Sometimes I really loved living in a hot place. We walked down to the beach, choosing a spot not too far from the water and divvied up the food, not really speaking as we ate. The water crashing over itself provided enough background noise. And I never really felt uncomfortable sitting in silence with Darren. As much as he liked to talk – and man did he like to talk – he was comfortable just not talking. I liked that. Too many people felt the need to fill every little silence as if afraid to just be left with their own thoughts.

After a while we finished eating and both lay back in the sand. We were far enough from the street lights that I could actually see the stars for a change. It felt as if we were miles away from the city, barely even able to hear the constant rumble of traffic that LA brought. "Do you miss home?", Darren asked suddenly. I turned my head to look at him, but he continued to stare at the stars.

"Yes", I answered honestly, "all the time. Sometimes more than others. But its always there. How much of my families, my friends lives I'm missing".

"Is that why Callum lives with you?". I watched him for a moment, cautious of how much I should answer.

"Yes and no". I sighed. "Callum broke up with his boyfriend not too long before he graduated. And it sucked. He was really in a low place. And I had not long ended things with Nick – just coming off tour and back from Chicago with Demi. Coming back to LA alone...it was hard. So I asked him if he wanted to come over with me. It gave him a break and it gave me a piece of home". I looked back at the stars. It had been pretty selfish of me really, asking Callum to come live with me because I didn't want to be alone. But he hadn't wanted to be at home, so it had all worked out in the end.

"What happens if he wants to move home? Then what?". I shrugged.

"Then he moves home". It had been on my mind, even if he had only been here 5 months. It was a long time to be away from home but he seemed settled enough. And I think he realised how much I needed him around. Like I said, selfish.

Darren went quiet again. "What about you? Ever feel lonely?", I asked. It was only fair after he grilled me.

"Of course. It was harder before, when everyone lived in Ann Arbour or Chicago together and I couldn't get out to see them as often. But now with Joey living here and everyone visiting as frequently as they do now...its easier. Plus Glee's a nice family to be apart of", he turned to look at me. "Its okay to grow attached to us – we're not going to leave you too".

That hit home. He knew everything. In that moment I realised he noticed everything about me – how much id been avoiding becoming too friendly with the cast. How I missed everything and everyone from home. He saw it all.

And it scared the crap out of me.

I sat up. "Its getting kinda late", I said to him.

"What is it a school night or something?". I forced a laugh. Darren sighed,

"Don't do that. Don't shut down from me. Please". I couldn't even think of a response. Guys were usually so unobservant. It unnerved me to have one who noticed stuff.

We headed back to the car, the mood of the night changed again. It had been a long time since I'd felt so emotionally exhausted. Darren flipped the radio on and the elephant in the car was ignored the whole way home. He pulled up in front of my house and I turned to him. "Thanks-"

"I'll walk you to the door", he said getting out of the car. What was it with this boy and walking me to the door? Friends always just dump you on the side of the road.

I followed him out, hesitating at the door. "Emma, I like you", Darren blurted out. I stood still, the blood pounding in my ears. "And I want to take you on a real date", he said, taking a step towards me. I'd never noticed how intimidating he could be before. His and reached up and brushed some hair behind my ear. I paused. He was going to kiss me. This time I didn't move, my eyes fluttering shut slightly.

Someone cleared their throat and we both turned, faces inches from each other.

"Hello Nick".


	57. Lost and Found

Nick, Callum and I perched awkwardly on the couch. No one spoke. Darren decided he would just go home, telling me that he'd call me. I'd wished I'd been able to escape with him – this was not my idea of a good finish to tonight.

"So", Callum started but never finished his sentence. I glanced over at Nick, who was staring at his hands.

"Well, you said you wanted to talk, so...", I said to him. Nick glanced over at Callum.

"I'll give you two some privacy then, shall I?", Callum said and walked towards the kitchen. I don't even know why he bothered – he knew I'd tell him everything later anyway.

It took Nick a few minutes but he eventually spoke. "How have you been?", he asked and I just shrugged. There was silence again. "I tried calling you a couple times the past few days", he said. I nodded. I had ignored those calls and never gotten round to returning them.

"Okay, well I guess the real reason I'm here is, its my birthday next week and I'm having this party – nothing too big – and...and I want you to be there". He reached into his coat and handed me an invitation. I glanced over it and put it to one side.

"I'll think about it", was all that I could manage. Nick looked at me – really looked at me in a way he hadn't in a very long time.

"What happened Emma? We used to at least be friends? Can we not go back to even that?". No, I thought, we were never friends. You were an arrogant ass whole who thought I was too much of a freak to date – at least publicly anyway.

"I guess", I said to him.

"That was a plus one invite, so um...feel free to bring...you know, whoever", He said glancing towards the door.

I stood up. "I said I'd think about it", I said, sharper than I'd intended. Nick took the hint and stood up as well.

"Okay. I really hope you come", he said with some sincerity I hadn't heard in a while.

"Nick", I called out and he turned back to me. "Thank you – for the invite. Really". He just smiled and nodded, letting himself out. As the door clicked shut, I sank back into the couch, flipping the invite over in my hands.

I thought back to the moment we had ended. Nick had been in London for the Les Miserables anniversary concert and I flew out to visit him a few days before it was on. As I arrived at my hotel room, I received ten or so texts, all saying the same thing, "Have you seen the news?". E! News was reporting that Nick had been caught the night before with his co-star Samantha Barks. A picture of them kissing flashed in front of my face as I sunk onto my bed.

It took me a few hours to even process what they were saying.

And then the anger hit. How dare he? And even worse – to not tell me himself? To find out from a gossip site? He rung my phone almost constantly and when I did eventually pick up, I could barely speak to him and anything that did make it out was spat out with venom. I told him it was over and never to speak to me again.

Of course he turned up at the hotel room begging me to understand. It hadn't meant anything, had been a mistake. I responded by slapping him and slamming the door in his face. He was lucky I hadn't kneed him in the groin.

I stayed for the concert then went home. I was still never sure why I stayed. I guess part of me still wanted to support him. And by home I meant my real home – Scotland. After a couple weeks surrounded by just my closest friends and family I headed back for the second part of the tour in South America with the group. I would be lying if I said I had been okay. Those three weeks were a strange blur of parties and alcohol until the incident with Demi snapped me out of my self pity slump. It was Papa J that suggested maybe I take some time out in Chicago with Demi, deal with everything. I was glad that I did, it had helped me a lot.

I did seek some therapy while there – nothing like Demi's – but just enough to get me through everything that had happened. But I was dealing with it much better now – well that was until I had to see Nick and it was like we had just broken up all over again. It wasn't the healthiest way of dealing with my emotions – repressing them until I had no choice but to face them – but it was the only way I could keep a handle on them.

But that was then. I wasn't that same person any more. I'd grown into myself more, become more confident in my situation. I looked down at the invite in my hand. I could deal with this too.

There was one thing that was bothering me now though. Darren. That little trip down memory lane had made me remember what it was like to work with an ex. I couldn't do that, not again. God he was going to think I was bipolar. Oh well, I'm sure he wouldn't be alone for too long. Not looking the way he did any way.

Callum came in and sat next to me. "What you thinking about?", he asked.

"I can't date Darren and I don't want to go to Nicks party".

"So what _do _you want?".

"To go to work, do my job, come home and eat pizza", I told him. He just laughed. "What? It _is_ what I want".

He shook his head at me, "No its not. I've seen the way you look at Darren. Its okay to like him, you know. Not everyone will cheat on you".

"No maybe not. But I don't think I could survive working again with someone who has broken my heart". Callum pulled me in for a hug.

"Maybe he won't break your heart though". I just shrugged. People always leave, right? And the way his career was going, he had already been thrust so brightly into the spotlight, it wouldn't be too long before he didn't have any spare time to himself. And on top of suffering a horrid break-up, I'd also played second best to someone's career. Both scenarios that I wasn't in a rush to relive.

I said my good nights to Callum and headed off upstairs, snuggling down into bed, flicking through the crap on the tv when my phone rang. Darren, of course. I debated just letting the call go to voice mail but when it didn't ring off, I muted the TV and took a deep breath before answering the call.

"Hey", I said, quietly into the phone.

"Hi". A pause. "So...how are you?", he asked carefully.

"What you mean after you almost kissed me and my ex showed up out of the blue to have a nice chat? Oh, you know, totally awesome", I drawled sarcastically into the phone. Darren laughed, instantly dispelling any tension that had been in his voice before.

"Well I actually meant after going to a concert where no one noticed you. Your ego isn't too bruised I hope". I laughed, happy to find we could still talk to each other. "But seriously, I'm hear if you want to talk about it".

I hesitated. "He invited me to hi birthday next weekend", I told Darren.

"The bastard", he quipped back and I couldn't help the laugh that exploded from me. "You going to go?". I shrugged into my empty room.

"I have not idea". Darren breathed in and I could tell he was gearing up to something.

"Well...if you really didn't want to and needed an excuse, I'm going to be in New York next weekend filming my first scenes for Imogene. You'd be welcome to escape with me for a while?". I pulled the edge of the blankets and watched the images flicker across the screen of the TV. "Emma, about tonight – the almost kiss thing – I'm sorry. I was out of line. You told me you just wanted to be friends and for some reason, I have this incessant need to push people until I get what I want. I'm sorry that I put you in that position", he said all in one breath. It sounded rehearsed, like he had planned what he was going to say to me before he called me. "But I meant it when I offered New York. Just as friends. We'd have separate hotel rooms and everything", he said and I could hear the grin in his voice.

A chance to escape an ex boyfriends party where his gorgeous girlfriend would be in attendance? Sold. "Sure, okay", I told him.

"Yeah? Aww, awesome! I can show you all my old stomping grounds there", he said, suddenly sounding like a hyperactive 3 year old. I smiled glad that I didn't have to be the one to say that I didn't want to date him. Mainly because I did want him, so bad. Maybe taking some time in New York with him would give me the reassurance to move forward with him? Maybe it wouldn't but for now I was quite happy listening to him describe some movie he was watching. I flicked through the channels until I found what he was talking about and watched it with him. I didn't even remember drifting off to sleep.


	58. Before The Storm

I was still packing for the flight when the doorbell rung. I grabbed the pile of clothes strewn on my bed and carried them downstairs to where I had left my suitcase. "It's open", I yelled at the door. Darren stuck his head round.

"Way to be organised", he said, eyeing the pile I dumped on top of the case. "You realise we're just going for the weekend, right?". I laughed sarcastically at him, and sat on the case, trying to close it over on the jumble that I didn't have time to fold. "What do you still have to do?", he asked.

"Just pack a flight bag. And call Nick and tell him I won't be here this weekend". I avoided Darren's eyes. He had been asking all week if I'd told him yet. I said I would do it eventually but there never seemed to be a right time to bring it up. Darren crossed the room to me, taking my hands and waiting until I looked up at him.

"I'll pack this, you go call Nick". I sighed and nodded. I wanted to just send him a text, but Darren wouldn't let me. Something about if he had the balls to come ask me in person then I should at least phone him to tell him I was running away to New York this weekend to avoid him.

I went into my office and closed the door, pretending I didn't see Darren watching me. I dialled Nicks number and counted the rings. He only let it ring five times which I analysed meant that he wasn't trying to avoid me. I used to just let Nicks calls ring out.

"Hey", he said sounding surprised. I don't know if it was that I hadn't been the one to call him in over 5 months or that I still had his number.

"Hey, um listen", _do it like a band aid,_ I thought to myself. "Um...I can't make it to your birthday this weekend. I totally forgot that I told someone I'd go to New York with them this weekend". There was silence on the other end of the phone. A large amount of silence. The silence that makes you feel like you're being judged. Close on a minute went by before he answered me.

"Okay...when do you leave?". I hesitated. There was no point lying but the truth sounded so bad.

"In about five minutes". The silence was back. "I'm sorry, I was meaning to call you all week but...I forgot". It sounded even worse out loud than it did in my head.

"Emma", Nick started, his voice heavy with exasperation. "Have fun", he finished with a sigh and hung up the phone before I could say goodbye. I stood for a moment wondering what it was, that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I was halfway out the door with Darren before I realised what it was – guilt.

I thought about it the whole way to the airport. I was confused as to when my feelings shifted from complete hatred to the ability to feel compassion for Nick again. I jumped slightly when Darren reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Where's your head at?", he asked softly so the driver wouldn't hear. I shrugged and continued to frown at the window.

I wasn't sure how I felt about the realisation that I didn't hate Nick any more. I mean we'd been apart quite some time now. It was defiantly a good thing – except now I was feeling guilty about missing his birthday. But I still wouldn't have wanted to go to his party and see him with someone else. There was a pang that I knew fine well was jealousy. I suppressed that feeling as quickly as possible. Not hating him was one thing – still caring about him? That was a whole Pandora's box that did not need opened again. I made a conscious effort to stay out of my thoughts.

Darren was a good distraction for keeping you in the present. When you needed him to, he could talk for hours. And hours. And hours. In fact the whole plane ride I don't think he stopped for air once.

We collected our bags and headed out to the front of the airport. "I've just realised you never told me what hotel we were staying at", I said to him as we walked along. He turned to me grinning.

"Well I thought we could experience New York as it was supposed to be experienced", he said cryptically. "Hey, Joe!", Darren called out to someone a few feet away. I looked over and recognised one of his college friends, Joe Moses. I wasn't sure if Nick Lang let slip that I knew the whole Potter Musical thing yet, so I decided to go with blissful ignorance and pretend I had no idea who he was.

Joe walked over to us, smiling at Darren. "Joe, this is Emma. Emma – Joe", Darren said after hugging his friend. I gave an awkward smile that turned to uncomfortable after Joe said,

"Ahh, Emma. Darren has talked about you. A lot". I busied myself with my suitcase, avoiding all eye contact until the blush in my cheeks had faded and even then as Joe lead us out to his car, I stayed a couple of footsteps behind them.

I happily settled myself in the back seat and prepared for the hour long drive against traffic into the city. "So, Um...I thought we'd just stay at Joe's house since, its only for the weekend. You know – see how real New Yorkers live", Darren said, turning round from the passenger seat.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I had lived with my friend at her college dorm for two weeks and knew exactly how the young live in New York. I stared out the window, my anticipation growing the further into the city we got. In fact, I was almost so excited, I almost missed the almost silent conversation going on in the front seat.

"I'm sorry man, once she heard you were coming to town – there wasn't much I could do", Joe told Darren.

"Its okay. I mean, we're still friends...I guess. She was okay last time we talked". My heart started beating faster than normal in my chest. Were they talking about Mia? I knew Darren's ex lived in the city but it never even entered my head that I would see her.

I was confused at my sudden worry at meeting Darren's ex-girlfriend. I mean, its not like he and I were dating. Just friends. I sighed a little to deeply, trying to dispel some of the tension that was starting to build in my chest. "You okay?", Darren said, catching my eye in the window. I plastered a fake smile on my face.

"Course", I said, my voice three pitches too high. I came to New York to escape my ex and ran right into Darren's. I believe this was what people commonly refereed to as karma and I had the feeling that the only one who was likely to be a bigger bitch than it this weekend, was Mia.


	59. Unopened Letters To The World

Joe's apartment was what could be described as comfortable. It was nothing too extravagant but enough to know he was at least getting along semi-successfully in his work. I perched awkwardly on the end of a couch, Darren sprawled out; the picture of comfort. Joe put our cases in what was to be our room for the weekend and sat on a chair opposite us.

"So Dare, I know you've got your whole movie star thing to do this weekend", Joe said to Darren and I smiled at their easy banter but was caught off guard when Joe turned to me and asked, "What are your plans this weekend, Emma?".

I hesitated, "Umm...". Truth was, I hadn't thought much about what I would actually be doing this weekend other than escaping from L.A. Darren and Joe continued to look at me expectantly. "I have some family in Jersey that I'll go visit – and some old summer camp friends go to university here", I said eventually.

"University?", Joe said.

"We call them colleges here, Emma", Darren said grinning. I felt too wound up to care at them taking the piss, so I just shrugged my shoulders. I avoided looking at Darren knowing he would have that stupid look of concern on his face again. I couldn't deal with a whole weekend of him glancing at me like I was on my death bed.

Instead I got up and walked over to the window, looking out on the block below. It seemed like a quiet street – well quiet by New York's standards. Up the block I could see a few stores, a couple of coffee shops, everything you needed to give off an urban neighbourhood vibe. It was nice. I always thought if I was to move to New York it would be somewhere out of the direct hustle of the center of Manhattan Island. Maybe even Jersey? Kevin and Danielle seemed to have settled pretty well out there. I'd not seen them in a while and felt pretty guilty that they'd be in L.A. This weekend while I was here.

"Anyone want something to eat?", Joe asked. "We could go out, or order in – your choice". There was a prolonged silence in the room and I realised they were waiting on my input.

"Would you mind if we stayed in tonight? I'm quite tired after that flight", I told them.

They both muttered in agreement and Joe went off to find his take-away menus. I saw Darren's reflection in the glass as he came up behind me, gently wrapping his arms around my waist. "You've been so quiet all day", he said, lowering his head to my shoulder. I moved my hands so they were interlocked with his, both resting on my stomach. I guess that was my way of letting him know I wasn't shutting him out; whether or not he understood it was another thing.

"I...", I started but didn't know how to finish. In all honesty I wasn't even sure what the hell was wrong with me. I just felt all day like...like hiding away. Curling up in a tight ball and not having to deal with anyone. I hadn't felt this way in a very long time and last time – it was bad. Eating disorder bad.

Demi wasn't the only one getting treatment after that tour.

But standing here, with Darren just – just being there. It was better. It was what I needed. I didn't know how to tell him that, or how to let him in. It was my practise nowadays to shut as many people out as possible. It hurt left when they left. In in the end, every one leaves.

When Joe cleared his throat behind us and Darren was letting me go, I wanted to pull him back to me. It felt safe in his arms. Of course, we were "just friends". We poured over the take-out menus, deciding on Chinese food. It wasn't exactly my favourite but I had yet to find good Indian food in this city.

I sat back on the couch, feeling slightly more relaxed that I wouldn't have to make any sort of effort tonight. It was also helped by the fact that Joe had run to the store for some beer and Darren was making sure his things were set out for his first day on set tomorrow. I made a mental note to tease him later about being nervous for his first day on set tomorrow and lay back on the couch. As the remote slid from my hand, it slowly dawned on me that I was falling asleep and was far too comfy to do anything about it.

When my eyes slowly opened back up, there was a blanket over me. The TV drowned on in the background and Darren and Joe talked quietly to each other. "But you've not been on a real date since-".

"Since we broke up yeah. But I don't know", Darren sighed, "I guess I'm just hoping...", I felt his arm curl over my legs.

"You like her. A lot. Does she know?", Joe asked. I tried to slow my breathing back down. I had heard far too many conversations I wasn't supposed to but they always seemed to give interesting results. And this one seemed like one I could do with hearing.

"Yeah. I mean, I have told her. But every time we get too close – she shuts down, pulls away. Her friend told me its just what she does and that if I really want to be with her...that I should just be here". Friend? Callum maybe. I tried to remind myself to ask him about it.

"Be here?".

"Yeah, like, prove to her I'm not going to leave her. Like I could, if I wanted to. Some days she just seems so...vulnerable". There was a lull in the conversation and I wondered if I should 'wake-up'. I stretched slowly, kicking Darren in the process. I pulled the blanket down from around my face and slowly got up, rubbing my eyes. I spotted the food on the table and faked being annoyed at them for not waking me.

I filled a plate and ate, while the conversation turned to what every one had been up to last since Darren had seen them. It wasn't really one that I could join in, so I sat back, pretended to listen and mulled over the one I had overheard. I wondered if I should bring up the conversation to Darren. I mean I loved being with him - I just didn't want to be with him.

We decided to call it a night, Darren having to be up early, me just being in love with sleep, and headed through to the room. I suddenly felt shy and awkward. I mean, sure I'd shared a bed with him before but I hadn't really realised until I woke up hungover the next morning. It was strange being aware that I was sharing a bed. I took my things to the bathroom, delaying as long as possible before I would have to go back to the room. I wished I had went to bed earlier - or hoped that he would already be asleep, or at least faking it - by the time I got in.

Of course that would mean that I was lucky. By the time I got in the room, Darren was lying in boxer shorts and a t-shirt on top of the bed going over the call sheet for tomorrow. I played about with my clothes, folding them back into the case. When there was nothing else for it, I turned towards the bed, suddenly very conscious at my choice to wear shorts as well. But the summer had been hot and I didn't want to be restless all night due to overheating.

Darren must of sensed my hesitancy, as he pulled back the covers and patted the bed, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at me. I laughed, feeling stupid. I mean, I shared beds with friends all the time - sure they were either females or gay males, but was it really that much of a difference. I slid into bed, sitting up, suddenly feeling far too awake to ever get to sleep. New York tended to have this effect on me. I was restless and wanted to go wandering. The feeling would pass eventually, but for now it was a constant battle to fight the urge to head outside. I lifted Darren's script up instead and read over the scene he would be doing tomorrow.

It seemed like quite a funny scene, the two were at a coffee shop discussing what a wreck her life was. I looked up from the pages to see him staring at me. He took a deep breath and started to say something but stopped himself. I raised my eyebrows but said nothing. Recalling the conversation I overheard earlier, I chose not to say anything, not wanting to open that Pandora's box. Darren shook his head and put the papers down, getting up to double check his things were laid out for the morning and climbed into the bed beside me.

I tried to ignore the fact that I could feel his body heat or that his bare leg was inches away from mine. I rolled over onto my side, my back to him, curling up into a ball. He leaned over and switched his light off, sliding down into the covers. "Goodnight Emma", he said softly and my stomach clenched. I couldn't explain it.

"Night Dare", I said, calling him that for the first time. I could feel his smile in the dark.


	60. Crash Into You

I woke up and the room was still dark. I was confused for a moment where I was till it dawned on me I was in bed. With Darren. Curled into his side. My head was laying on his chest and my arm wrapped round his waist, grabbing the side of his t-shirt. He had both arms wrapped tightly round me, clasped together at my waist.

I lay still, listening to his steady breathing. I didn't want to move away from him but I didn't want him to wake up with us like this. Not after his confession tonight. I slowly pulled away from him, trying not to disturb him.

I woke him anyway. Not enough that he was fully conscious, but he still muttered in his sleep. "No, don't". It was almost enough to make me curl back up next to him.

"Shh", I said quietly, "I'll be back in a minute". I grabbed my phone from the bedside cabinet and my purse from the floor and crept out to the living room.

It was 4am, Darren would be getting his wake up call in an hour or so. I didn't know what to do - go back to bed or sit here awkwardly until he came out and asked what was wrong. I made a split second decision, running back into the room for my jeans and a hoodie, picked up a set of keys Joe had left out for us and headed outside.

There was a chill in the air and the sun hadn't come up yet. The streets were pretty empty but I walked up to where I saw a few stores yesterday. There was a small coffee shop just opening up so I walked in. "Hey, I'll be with you in just a minute", a girl said from behind the counter.

"No problem", I told her and sat down in a couch. It was quite a small place, even by New York standards but it had a cosy, local feel to it. Like, even if you lived on the street, you'd come out just to get a coffee to be amongst people.

She came over to take my order and I went with just a black coffee. I cradled my cup and watched her as she set up the store. The world outside was beginning to wake up as I sat still, wishing I could just run away. When things got too much I became very good at running away. I mean, wasn't that the reason I was here in the first place?

I checked my watch and seeing that Darren would be getting his wake-up call in five minutes, I ordered three more coffee's to go and headed back to the apartment, gulping in the cold morning air. I couldn't explain the feeling I had - like a tightening in my chest as if I was suffocating. I balanced the cups carefully and let myself back in.

Darren came rushing out into the living room. "There you are! I've been trying to call you for like ten minutes now". I set the cups down and rummaged through my purse for my phone. Sure enough, there was six missed calls.

"Sorry, it must have been on silent", I said, pulling a cup from the cardboard carrier and handing it to him.

"Where did you go?", he asked, accepting the drink but not drinking it, still staring at me. I picked up a cup from the carrier and shook it at him, before taking a drink from it. It was quite good coffee. "Oh...right", he said, finally drinking from the cup.

I walked away from him and sat back on the couch, still cradling the coffee in my hands. I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed. Darren walked over and sat next to me. "What time are you getting picked up at?", I asked him, closing my eyes over.

"In five minutes", he said. His arm and leg were lightly resting against mine. It was that familiar comfort I felt when I was around him. It was nice just to have him be there. The funny thing was, despite overhearing his conversation last night, I never felt pressured around him. He was really good at the just being here thing. "Hey, we should go out tonight", he said suddenly. I opened one eye to turn to look at him.

"Out?".

"Yeah, you know that thing people do, when they hang about with other people in a sociable situation", He said playfully.

"I hate out. And people. And what part of me has ever given the impression that I'm sociable?", I said, shutting my eyes back over. Darren laughed.

"We're going out. Come on, you can't spend the whole weekend in here – not while the city is waiting for you out there". He was also quite good at the persuasion thing.

"Maybe – if I'm not tired", I said eventually. Darren's phone rung and his driver told him he was outside.

"Okay, I have to go. But tonight we're going to have fun. Try to get out today as well – go do some tourist stuff or go for a walk. Just don't sit in here and wallow in the misery that you're not going to your ex boyfriends party", he said quickly, grabbing his things.

"I wasn't going to wallow in misery...it was guilt actually", I muttered. Darren gave me a half smile.

"Either way", he said opening the door to leave.

"Hey, Darren!", I shouted just before the door closed. A minute later it opened back up and Darren stuck his head round the side. "Good luck today – I know you'll kill it". He hesitated for a moment, then quickly crossed the room, kissed my cheek and left.

The door closing seemed to echo all around me as I now felt wide awake and had nothing to do all day but be left with my thoughts, which at the moment, were very dangerous things.


	61. Letting Go

I must have been tired because I woke up four hours later with a stiff neck and a post-it note stuck to my forehead. I pulled it off and read that Joe had gone to work and if I wanted I could meet him up later for lunch. He left his phone number so I texted him and told him that would be great. At least that would give me something to do with my time.

I hadn't made any plans with anyone and felt it would be too rude on such short notice to call people up and ask them if they wanted to hang out. Plus I hoped to spend this weekend as anonymously as possible – one of the great things that a city of eight million people afforded you. However that didn't mean I wanted to spend the whole weekend trapped indoors with nothing but my thoughts to keep my company.

I wandered into the room, tidying things up. I made the bed, put my clothes away, folded Darren's neatly on top of his luggage. I headed into the kitchen, doing up the dishes and straightening things out. After that I headed in for quite possibly the longest shower I had ever taken, hoping the heat would wash away the headache I felt coming on.

When I finally emerged it was almost eleven thirty. I got dressed – nothing much, just jeans and a t-shirt – and plaited my hair down my back. It was as much effort as I wanted to put in; it wasn't like I had anyone to impress this weekend.

I headed out and towards the nearest subway. A lot of people hated it but I always found it fascinating – although I did tend to avoid it late at night, but it being just before midday, it wasn't too overcrowded.

I found a seat and stared out the window into the blackness. The subway had an emptying effect; I couldn't focus on anything, found my mind blank as I stared at the darkness occasionally punctured by the fluorescent lights on the stops. I had to change lines twice but did so on auto-pilot. I had been on enough undergrounds in my time already that I felt comfortable, navigating them with ease.

I finally got off and managed to find my way to the PIT where Joe was setting up some shows for the coming month. The place was practically empty save Joe and a couple other people. The door, however, was open and saved me them embarrassment of trying to flag someone's attention. They all turned towards me as I opened the door and Joe walked over from the stage. I say stage but it was really more of a platform area. "Hey, you made it", he said raising his arms up to what I presumed was going to be a hug but very quickly and very awkwardly turned into a pat on the shoulder. I smiled at him with some amusement as he lead me over to a stool at the bar. "I've just got a couple things to finish up and then we'll head for lunch, okay?".

I smiled and nodded, not sure why I suddenly felt shy. It wasn't as if this was my first time meeting him. And I was perfectly used to meeting people all the time now because of all the bloody awful parties you were expected to show face and 'mingle' at. Their words, not mine. Yet here I was, my hands stuffed uncomfortably under my swinging legs, unable to find my voice.

I watched Joe with some interest, occasionally turning to look at other people who always seemed to be looking away from me at the same time. The uncomfortable feeling grew. The door clattered open noisily behind me and I caught a glimpse of Joe's face before I turned around. It was a mix of exhaustion and wariness. When I finally turned I imagined mine was probably in the same expression.

The girl I knew to be Mia stood in the doorway. I froze as she walked towards me, unsure of how she would react. "Hi, I'm Mia, you must be Emma", she said, extending her hand towards me. I accepted it and tried to return the smile.

Out of all the reactions I was expecting – it wasn't this one. "Hi", I said awkwardly, wondering how she knew my name. Someone must have told her I was going to be here. Joe walked over at the back of us, pulling Mia into a hug.

"Hey, I didn't know you were stopping by?", he said.

"I'm just full of surprises", she said, smiling a very wide, confident smile. I felt like a dying weed next to her, shrinking further into my seat. "I just wanted to check you were still coming to the show tonight? I need names on lists". Joe paused, clearly awkward, glancing over at me. "I mean, you'd be welcome to come too", Mia said, turning to me. "My band, we're putting on a show tonight. I mean, you'd be more than welcome to come", she said, flashing that smile again. The thing that got me the most – how genuine she seemed. Like she really would be happy to have me there. I found myself agreeing to go.

Joe finished up his rehearsal and we headed up the street to a relatively quiet place for lunch. I just ordered a burger and fries, picking at them, no longer feeling hungry. Joe made idle chat with me asking about my friends and family, life in Scotland, what it was like to have moved to America. I was happy to keep up the chat for a while but the questions were nagging, building as the time went on. I didn't care if I had only met Joe the previous day. I had to ask, so as soon as there was a pause in the conversation I blurted out,

"Why did Darren and Mia break up?". Joe hesitated and at first I wondered if he would even answer the question. There was a long pause where I wished I could have taken the words back. After what seemed like an eternity, Joe sighed.

"I think mostly it was the distance. You know, he's tied down in L.A. with Glee and Mia, well her job, her friends, her home is here and neither was willing to compromise. It was just one of those things". Joe never looked at me once whilst telling me this. I couldn't help but feel like he pitied me.

Here I was, 2000 miles from home, in a somewhat fantasy relationship with a guy I worked with, who had recently broken up with someone – it was just...such a mess.

I pushed all of the food to one side of the plate, throwing my napkin over the almost untouched meal. I was done. With it all. I just needed to get through tonight and then I'd start to put some distance between Darren and I. It wasn't healthy for either of us. And it wasn't fair on him. I didn't know what I wanted and he was clearly chasing me in avoidance of his own feelings towards Mia. I needed a break from it all.

Oh the irony that I had though I was running away to New York to avoid the problem, when it had only seemed to have gotten worse since I had came here.


	62. Believe Me, I'm Lying

Darren hadn't seemed too pleased when I told him about going to the show tonight. "I was hoping for more of a quiet night in", he had pouted, claiming he was exhausted after a day of shooting. "Plus I still have to go in tomorrow, and I don't want to turn up unable to deliver my lines because I'm hungover". I turned to him.

"No one said you had to drink tonight", I smiled. "It'll be fine. You don't have to stay late. And they're your friends. You should be supporting them", I said turning back to the clothes in my hands. I was finding tonight difficult to dress for – because I didn't really know the music but mostly I was just so damn nervous about being in a room with them both – and I wasn't sure why. I ended up with a grey tank top and black jeans. Nice but not over dressed.

I dragged my clothes and make-up into the bathroom to get ready, trying to avoid all eye contact with Darren who was almost glaring at me in frustration. I didn't know why I was so determined to go to the show. Maybe to prove to myself that I was okay with Darren and Mia – even though I had decided he was just going to be my friend. I caught my reflection in the mirror and it looked guilty.

I would talk to Darren tonight. It would be fine. Although I wished my brain would tell my stomach that. It was churning uncomfortably with nerves. There was a light tap on the door as I started to get changed. "Yeah", I called out.

"Can I come in?". Darren.

"Bit busy at the moment", I called back out, my top half way over my head. I turned at the sound of the door opening. "Darren!", I screeched out, quickly pulling my top back down. "What the hell are you doing?". He came into the bathroom and closed the door.

"I just...can we talk a moment?". I sighed. Why was it he always anticipated my moves before I had even fully thought them through? I sat down on the edge of the bath as he sat on the toilet seat and I watched him. He was staring at the floor, picking at his hands. "Why do you want to go tonight? Why did you even agree to it?".

I stared up at the ceiling, hoping to find the answers there. "I just thought it would be fun. You know, you get to see your friends, I get to dance a little. Win-win situation", I said, my voice catching at the end. I was a terrible liar. "Plus, I came to New York this weekend to avoid my ex, not yours", I said, hitting closer to the truth. He deserved at least that. "And I don't know – maybe it would be good for you and Mia to talk tonight". I just couldn't help myself.

Darren finally turned to look at me, but I found I couldn't look at him, choosing to watch his reflection in the bathroom mirror instead. "Is that what you want? For us to talk?". It was said so softly, I almost missed it. I offered a shrug instead, suddenly feeling like the walls of the room were closing in on me. There was some movement, and I turned to see Darren kneeling in front of me, not breaking his gaze. I was held there. "Emma, tell me what you want". I felt the blood rush to my head but didn't answer. I stared down at my knees, where Darren was holding on to me. But I said nothing. After a minute or so, he got up and left. I barely breathed as I tried to process what on earth had just happened.

We got to the gig an walked in through the front door, apparently being "on the list". The room was already quite packed but no one paid much attention to Darren except a few whispered comments behind hands and a couple people pointing. Maybe people just weren't as aware as Mia as I though. Darren was a pretty private person when it came to that sort of thing after all. Mia spotted us and came bounding towards us, ever the ball of energy. I had to do a double take when I took in what she was wearing. Black fishnet stockings, black panties and a black bra. That was it. Well, knee high boots as well but they weren't coving up much more than oh say, actual clothes would! I bit the inside of my cheek, feeling guilty for even thinking something so bitchy. It wasn't like she had ever done anything to me personally, yet here I was treating her like some sort of arch nemesis. Well I wasn't treating her like it but I was definitely thinking about it. I decided it would probably be best if I stayed sober tonight and left the conversing group to get a bottle of water from the bar.

Darren followed at the back of me, ordering a couple bottles of beer, glancing down at my water. We hadn't spoken in over an hour now. I still avoided eye contact with him, choosing to only glance at him from the corner of my eyes. I got my bottle and turned, heading back towards the group but stood to the side a bit.

When Darren walked back over, he walked past me to the other side of the group. I was left standing like a spare wheel. His friends came over, musicians I recognised but didn't personally know but he never introduced me. Sure I had been pretty cold with him since but he also knew that besides from him and Joe - who was over talking to his girlfriend - I didn't know anyone else in this room. I sighed and wandered away from the group, towards the back of the room where there were a few tables left.

I pulled out my phone and sent out the text with out a second thought. It wasn't anything too bad, just a simple happy birthday. I mean, he deserved at least that, right? It only took minutes for the thank you reply to come back. At least he didn't totally hate me right now. Maybe severally pissed off at me, but not quite hate.

I sipped the water, scowling at my self control for not buying myself something stronger. I thought about the last time Darren and I had went to a gig together. We had argued then as well. I hoped we would make up soon; I hated fighting with him.

I watched the bands perform on stage, still sitting back at my table alone. Darren was dancing almost manically and I knew this meant he had probably had quite a few to drink. I smiled while watching him and he turned over to look at me. He glared at me for a moment then turned his back on me.

I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as the blood rushed to my face. Was he really _ that_ pissed off at me? I started to get out of my seat, feeling I needed to at least explain earlier but Mia walked over, her band's set finished and Darren pulled her towards him, the pair of them moving out onto the dance floor. I watched in almost silent horror as Darren leaned towards her, giving the softest kiss to her neck. I couldn't handle it. Physically I felt sick but also angry. Only a few hours ago he was virtually telling me...well nothing.

I thought back to this evening. He had only asked what I had wanted – never once saying that he wanted me. Maybe Darren was backing off? I thought back to the conversation I had overheard the other night. The one when he said he would wait. I looked over at Darren and Mia, thinking about how it would be impossible for even a sheet of paper to get between them with the way they were dancing. Clearly he was done waiting.

I left the room, needing to get out of the place, hailing a taxi after just a block of walking. I asked the driver to take me to times square, ignoring the sighs and complaints about how packed it would be on a Saturday night. He took me regardless, and I gave him a bigger tip than usual, feeling kindness would outweigh a bitchy comment.

I grabbed a coffee from Starbucks and walked over to the red stairs, packed with tourists. I sat in the top right hand corner, looking down on the plaza below. For a moment I thought of nothing. I just tried to clear my head and watch the people.

The excitement on the faces was almost touchable. There was an aura that surrounded people just knowing that they were in New York city. The hopes and dreams of some trailed behind them in an almost visible cloud as the circled their heads, trying to take in everything at once. I smiled and thought of the first time I came to New York. That overwhelming desire to be every where at once, yet not wanting to move in case you missed something somewhere else. I was so naive back then, trusting every thing would be better now that I was in America. That being removed from past influences would make everything easier. I could be who ever I wanted to be. I had changed the past year. The only question left to ask was, did I like who I had become?


	63. If I Just Lay Here

I sat there on the steps of times square for god knows how long. A combination of a mild evening, bright billboard lights and the not so far underground subway added with the hundreds of tourists who were still around on this Saturday night left me feeling quite warm, considering my usual lack of clothes.

I wondered how long could sit in my corner people watching until I would inevitably have to check my phone. At least another half hour, anyways, I thought, pulling my legs up to my chest.

People came and went. The square got busy then began to disperse and I guessed it was after 11pm, the Broadway crowds coming and going. I pulled my phone from my bag. 4 voicemails, 10 missed calls and 15 text messages. I sighed. I knew it was irresponsible to just disappear in a city like New York but part of me didn't want to respond to any of them.

I had more than enough money to just check myself into a number of hotels within a 30ft radius. In fact, I could have done that in the first place if I had really wanted to get away. The fact was, I was no longer sure if I had wanted to get away...or spend time with him.

I dutifully picked the phone up and returned one of his calls. It only rung twice before he answered it.

"Where the fuck are you?", Darren yelled down the phone at me. "I have been fucking worried sick about you for the past fucking hour and you wouldn't answer your fucking phone!".

Apparently he was angry.

I held back a sigh and responded, "I'm at Times Square. I...I just needed some air". I could hear his voice soften on the other side.

"What's wrong? What happened?". I shrugged at no one, not entirely sure what exactly was wrong with me and not sure how to answer his questions. "Just wait there, I'll come get you", he said after a moment.

"No!". Silence. I hadn't meant to shout it so forcefully. "I mean, I'll just grab a cab and head to the apartment". I said my goodbyes and gun the phone up, not really wanting to head back straight away. I needed to sort my thoughts out before I went back.

It was 1am and the plaza was finally starting to quiet down. Not empty out, just had less energy to it. People were content to sit and take it in, instead of the frantic chatter that had filled the air half an hour before.

I pulled out my phone and searched Nicks number in the contact book. It took him longer than Darren to answer but he did eventually.

"Hey", he said, somewhat cautiously into the phone.

"Hi. Um...happy birthday", I said no longer sure the call was a good idea. "Can you talk?", I asked, distracted by the noise of the party going on in the background.

"Yeah, give me a sec". I heard him walk across a hall until the noise lessened and eventually sounded muffled in the background. I head him take a deep breath before bringing the phone back to his ear. Jeeze was I really that difficult to talk to? "Everything okay?".

"Um yeah", mostly. "I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I was I missed your birthday".

Nick paused and stuttered slightly before asking me a question I knew he already knew the answer to. "Did you already have this trip planned before I asked you?".

My voice sounded small, guilty, when I told him no. "When you come back...do you - do you think we could grab a coffee? Talk?".

Now it was my turn to hesitate. The truth was, we had never talked. I had shouted. A lot. But we had never sat down and talked after the break up. And I still had a lot of questions that needed answered.

"Sure. Okay, I'll call you when I get back", I told him.

"Um...you sure you don't want me to call you?". He didn't think I would call. Not that I could blame him.

"Nick, I'll call you", I assured him. We said our goodbyes and I knew I now had to go face the music with Darren.

The taxi back to Brooklyn didn't take as long as I would have liked. I debated the subway but first of all, didn't even know if it ran that late and second of all - even I knew that the subway alone at night wasn't the smartest of decisions.

I tried to let myself into the apartment as quietly as possibly hoping that Darren had already passed out somewhere. No such luck as he was sat on the couch looking strangely awake for someone who was quite inebriated last time I saw him. I knew what had to be done, yet part of me didn't want to do it.

"Hey", I said, standing uncomfortably to the side. I could barely even look at him.

"Emma, you can't just keep running off like that". He sounded tired.

"Why? It's worked so well for me every other time", I said laughing a hallow, empty laugh. Running - it was what I did best.

Darren got up from the couch. "You coming to bed?". Here it was. Time for me to break whatever this was.

"Actually, I was thinking maybe it would be best if I just slept on the couch tonight". I stared down at my shoes as Darren sighed heavily.

"Emma...", he started but even he who was so usually chatty was at a loss for words.

"You and Mia - you looked good together tonight", I said, struggling to rein control over my voice. I walked down the hall to the bathroom before I was overcome. You would think for someone who had put up such a protest at dating a guy would be happy when he finally moved on. So why was I feeling nothing but an aching crushing on my chest?

I spent longer than I usually would in the bathroom trying to calm the hysteria threatening to erupt. When I had expertly rid myself of any telling emotions, I left the bathroom for the couch.

A blanket had been left out but the door to the bedroom remained firmly shut.

I don't think I slept at all that night.


	64. I Wanna Go Home

I lay on the couch checking my phone every five minutes or so, willing myself to sleep. I dozed slightly between 4 and 5 am but other than that sleep not just evaded my grasp, but danced tormentingly out of my reach. Or at least that's what I was imagining in my sleep deprived state.

Around 6am I finally gave up and pulled myself into a sitting position. I debated getting up and making coffee but was torn with the thought that it might wake others in the apartment. The last thing I needed was an awkward confrontation in a confined space.

I pondered it over for a moment then nodded to myself in confirmation. I could just catch an early flight home? Darren and I were supposed to fly home this evening leaving him around 6 hours before call time tomorrow. I had a couple days off before i was due back on set. But flights were for sleeping so it was never too much of a concern. But now...money wasn't too much of an issue now and flights weren't too badly priced. Why not? Darren's call time was 10am which meant his alarm would be set for 9-ish. I could go into the room, grab my stuff and just head for the airport. Easy.

Yes, sure I was running away. Again. But really, would either of us want to talk about it this morning? Or if we didn't talk, sit in almost silence? No, I could leave it a few days, till I had had time to think it through. Then - maybe - talk about it.

My heart pounded in my chest as I quietly tried to collect my things from around the house. The majority was in the bedroom but there were still bits and pieces here and there. I dumped them all on the couch and headed for the bedroom.

My heart was beating so loudly in my chest, I was scared that alone could wake Darren. I slowly turned the handle and gently pushed the door open.

Darren was lying face down,spread across the bed, his mouth ajar and breathing quite loudly. I doubted greatly if I would have been able to wake him trying. He was out for the count. Still, I tread quietly just in case taking extra care when hauling my suit case from the room. He barely even stirred.

I walked over to the bedside unit grabbing the rest of my things and paused a moment. I glanced down at him, taking in his image like it was the last time I would see him. His extraordinarily long eye lashes and slightly lopsided mouth that gave him a sort of boyish charm. One of his curls fell on to his face and I reached down to brush it back when his eyelids fluttered open.

"Hey", he said, rather sleepily. I could feel the small, sad smile forming as I barely chocked the word "hi" back to him.

"Emma, about last night-", I cut him off, shushing him.

"It's fine, go back to sleep. You'll need your rest for today". I reached down and brushed the curl back, letting my hand linger on his cheek. He pulled his hand from underneath the blanket and interlaced it with mine. I left mine there until he drifted back into a deep sleep, wondering if he would remember this when he woke later.

Suddenly my flight plans changed. I wasn't due back at work for 4 more days. Plenty of time to go where I suddenly needed to be.

I quickly stuffed my things into my case and wrote a quick note to Darren. I wouldn't be able to call him until sometime later this evening and didn't know if I'd make it with time differences.

I let myself out and hailed a cab on the street, ignoring the drivers huffing at being asked to be taken to JFK.

At the flights desk, I was reasonably lucky to be able to catch a flight that day, although paid a considerable sum for it. It would be worth it though.

The queue through check in then security was frustratingly long and I started to panic that I wouldn't make the flight. I ran down towards the terminal just as final boarding was being called.

"Flight BA 178 JFK to Edinburgh is now at its final boarding call", was blasted around the area as I handed the stewardess my ticket.

"Welcome to British airlines, enjoy your flight", she said handing me back my ticket.

For the first time in almost a year, I was going home.


	65. Runaway

There were very few facilities still open at the tiny airport. Luckily, one of them was a car rental place. One lone, agitated woman sat at a counter, seemingly pissed off at my interrupting her read of a woman's magazine.

"Hi, I'd like to hire a car for a week", I said to her.

"I'd never have guessed", was her heavily accented, sarcastic reply. Well...I was definitely home. "Did you pre-book?", she asked, pulling a ledger towards her.

"No, no I didn't". She sighed heavily and stared at her computer screen, glaring like having to do her job was the biggest injustice of them all.

"This won't be cheap, mind", she said eye balling me. I just shrugged.

The woman eventually found a rental for me and I stood in awkward silence as she arranged for someone to bring it over. She hung up the phone and went back to reading her magazine, leaving me to stand and play with my phone, pretending to be busy. When a man walked towards us, he handed me a set of keys per her grunt and showed me out to the car.

The car was a white VW golf and I sighed inwardly as how white trash or as the natives would call it – chavy - this car made me feel. I smiled at the man as he helped me with my bags and reached in my purse to tip him but he had already headed back to the car waiting to take him back to whatever depot he arrived from. I forgot that tipping wasn't really a thing over here. I had been away far too long.

As I pulled out of the airport car park I almost caused a head on collision from veering over to the wrong side of the road. I really hadn't been prepared for this. I fumbled with the radio station to calm my shaking hands. Driving manual was also somewhat of a frustration and took me ten minutes to get the hang of it again

I drove home slightly faster than I should of but only broke the speed limit once or twice. It was nice to be driving out of a city and not stuck in 2 hour traffic at 8pm. Not to mention how light it still was outside. The sun set at almost the same time of day through out the year in LA. Seasons were a welcome relief.

Around 40 minutes later, I pulled into my street and found a space to park. I just stared at my home. The home I had lived in for almost 10 years before I left for LA. I almost felt like crying but still wasn't quite sure I was really here.

I left my suitcase in the car, not really bothered with much in it and headed for my garden. Two grey cats ran out to great me but then stopped, unsure of the person. "Theo", I called out to one and in recognising my voice, it bounded over to be picked up. They were so spoilt. I carried the cat through the door, dropping it down in the kitchen.

"Becca, is that you?", my Mam called out from her bedroom.

"No it's me", I shouted back. There was silence then the sound of someone quickly getting off a bed.

My Mam rushed into the kitchen/ dining room and just stared at me a moment before pulling me into a hug. I felt my eyes well up and a lump for in my throat but I blinked back the tears as I held onto my mother for the first time in a year. God I had missed her.

"What are you doing here?", she asked, her voice a mix of confusion and happiness.

I shrugged at her, "I just...needed a break". And that was the thing I loved the most about her - she didn't press the issue, just nodded and put the kettle on. She knew I would talk to her eventually.

But for now, I was home, at my table and my mother was making me a cup of tea.

Later that evening I dragged my exhausted body upstairs to my tiny little bedroom I had lived in for 7 years. It felt so comforting looking at the room that had hardly changed in the past 2 years since I had left it. Photos of my friends and my travels were still pinned to the wall, as well as the various postcards I had collected from towns and cities I had visited. Back when it was still exciting and rare to travel.

I loaded up my laptop and tried to work out the time difference between here and New York. As Skype set itself up I noticed the three people I needed to call were fortunately online. I started with the easiest first, Callum, telling him I needed a break and would be home by the end of the week. He was understanding but I felt guilty that I hadn't taken him with me. I wasn't the only one who hadn't been home in a year.

As I clicked Nicks name, I breathed deeply. This would be fine. Really. We were fine. Sort of.

"Hey. Long time since we've done this", he said over the video chat.

"Tell me about it", I said which led to an awkward pause.

"Honesty, I didn't think you'd call me", he said, not looking at his laptop.

"I told you I would. But I can't meet up with you before next weekend", I said quickly.

"Work?", he guessed.

"No. I came home for a bit". I looked up at my photos again. I still referred to here as home.

"You're in Scotland?", he said, confused. I just nodded. "Needed a break?".

I'll say one thing for Nick - he knew me better than I'd like. I just shrugged, not willing to go over it - especially with how tired I was feeling. And I still had an emotionally exhausting conversation to have. I said my goodbyes and promised to meet Nick the following weekend.

I stared at the screen, half hoping Darren would sign out before I could call him. After five minutes of playing about I resigned that I would have to call him. After almost a minute of dialling, he finally answered the call. I was surprised to see he was mid-flight. Technology these days.

"Hey", he said, avoiding the screen. He pursed his lips together and folded his arms across his chest.

He was angry; not that I could blame him really.

"Hi. I take it you got my note?", I asked.

"Your note? Yes, Emma, I got your note". Silence. Damn he was not making this easy.

"I'm sorry I just...I decided to get a different flight", I finished lamely.

"What, and you couldn't wait a few more hours to fly back to LA with me?", he asked, not staring at the screen.

"Yeah, um, I didn't fly to LA", I said quietly but Darren's head snapped up to the screen.

"Where the hell did you go?", he asked, nothing but worry now.

"I just came home for a bit. Needed to spend time with my family. It's been too long", I said, shrugging.

He was quiet for a moment before asking, "Was this weekend really that bad?". I looked up and felt butterfly's in my stomach as I looked into his light hazel eyes.

"No. No it wasn't. I just - I need some time. I feel like I'm constantly becoming this person I'm trying so hard not to be. This bitch who plays with everyone around her. I just need some time with people who know me as just me. Who wouldn't ever see me as anything but Emma". I took a deep breath. That was a hell of a lot of rambling but as I said it, I realised it was true. I was becoming someone almost unrecognisable and I needed to just remember what it was like before the move.

Maybe then I would be grateful for the things - and people - that were in my life.

"I...I don't even know what to say to that", Darren responded. I shrugged.

"I suppose there's not really anything to say". I avoided looking at him but still noticed he was doing likewise. "Um...I better go. It's been a pretty long day", I said to him eventually.

"Oh, yeah sure. I - I guess I'll see you at work then?", he said. I desperately tried to ignore the hurt look he was now wearing.

"Yeah, I'll see you", I said and quickly hung up, not waiting for a response. Part of me didn't understand why I was pushing him away. But honestly? He had become one of my best friends in the short 2 months I had known him. And I knew what it was like to date and then lose someone you cared deeply for. I wasn't willing to go through all that again.


	66. Other Side Of The World

I woke early the next morning – well, early for me – and stared confusedly around the room for a few seconds before being able to place where I was. I lay in my bed staring up at the photos once again. I really needed to do something like this in my house back in LA – the office maybe? A glamorised office, to be perfectly honest. I never really did much work in there. It was much more of a library these days.

I swung my legs out of the bed, heading back downstairs to where my mother and younger sister were both already sat out on the deck in the garden. "Morning", I said, sitting next to them, still half asleep. It was already turning out to be quite a nice day. I was still surprised when Scotland got sunshine; as was the rest of the population.

"Morning", my sister Rebecca said to me. "Mam said that you were home last night but I didn't wanna wake you", she said, leaning down to pick up a cat that had been circling her ankles. I smiled at her.

"Thanks". I turned and watched the other cats chase flies around the garden. I loved this garden, full of honeysuckle, roses and the best part? High hedges that gave complete privacy. I liked being able to sit out here with not a soul – or should I say soulless paparazzi – knowing where I was. "I was thinking of asking a walk down to McDonalds today", I said suddenly. I don't even know where it came from as it certainly hadn't been on my mind 30 seconds ago.

"Really?", my Mam asked me. "I thought you vowed never to go back to that place?".

"No, I believe I vowed I would never work in that place again. And it wasn't always that bad", I said, closing my eyes, desperately trying to find a happy memory about the place. They were few and far between. But time has a funny way of making the bad memories not seem quite so bad any more. And God knows I'd had nothing but time away from that place. Chances were I wouldn't know half the people who still worked there anyway – they always changed every couple of years.

I opened my eyes to see both of them watching me closely. "What?", I asked, sitting up straighter. They both just shrugged. I got up from the chair and headed in for a shower. I didn't like the judgement on their faces. So what if I wanted a trip to McDonalds to see the people who made my life hell. There was nothing wrong with getting some satisfaction seeing them still be in a job they hated whilst you were...running away from yours. Fine, but at least I could pretend I was happier. I was technically an actor after all.

I tried to shut my brain up and not think about how messed up that sounded as I stepped under the warm stream of water.

The store was pretty busy and I was hot and sweaty after taking my old walk down to work. It gave me time to think about some things I needed to – the ones I was avoiding thinking about. I stood in the queue and tried to fix a smile on my face, the closer I got to the counter. And that's when I saw him. I was almost ashamed to admit my heart did a mini flip at the sight of his face. The boy I crushed on for almost two years, who told me he just wasn't attracted me. I meanly wondered if he ever regretted that comment now. "Emma!", someone screamed out my name, and I turned to see one of the girls I actually used to get on with. I walked forward to her till, all eyes on me.

People came over to talk – those who I knew, those I didn't – everyone asking twenty questions. It was very overwhelming. "Why the hell are you back here?", Chris, a manager, asked.

"I'm starting to wonder the same myself", I said, only half serious.

"How long you here for?", he asked, the rest of the customers being virtually ignored.

"End of the week-ish", I told him, giving myself wiggle room, in case someone invited me to something I didn't want to go to.

Five minutes in this place and I was already swamped with a great feeling of dislike. The smell of the burgers alone was enough to send me towards the edge.

"Back already? Everyone always ends up back here", the store manager said to me. He was one of the ones I only occasionally got on with. I just shrugged and smiled. People came home all the time. This wasn't that unusual. Okay, yes, so I had been home a few times already and this was my first visit back to McDonalds. But so what? I was busy.

I didn't know why I found myself making up excuses in my head trying to explain to myself why it way okay to be here. Of course it was okay. I mean, some of the people I still talked to on a semi-regular basis. "Chaos this Thursday, anyone?", I asked to the small crowd that had gathered.

Chaos was the only nightclub within a 15 mile radius that was worth going to – and consequently the only one that anyone ever went to. There was a small cheer in agreement and I actually felt something close to excitement. It would be nice to have a night that was just people I knew before...this. Who knew, it might even be fun?


End file.
